I am at such a loss and have such incredible anger that I want to rave and rant!!<P>My D's bday is coming up this weekend. H is in on it and is in charge of the nightly activities because he got trashed and fell asleep last year and left me holding the bag.<P>He also is going out of town on vacation next week. He and my D talk things out a lot and she has been focused on her bday for some time. On the way home from father's day weekend she informs me his plans, not realizing that I dont' know them. Also not realizing that it is a big deal for him to make plans that occur when I am present and not even consulted.<P>He made this trip plan with OW over two or three weeks ago. I asked him for the divorce 5 weeks ago. I do not have a problem with that. My problem is that he put me off for a month before he would sit down with me and talk about the kids and how we were going to tell them and when. Then I find out he has made this vacation plan before he tells our children this life changing future in store for them.<P>Then the birthday plan. This without one word to me mind you, he is planning to spend the night at my house and head to vegas at 4 am after being out with the kids until 12. If it is not bad enough, on top of it I get stuck with the mess before a board meeting being held later at my house? While he meets up with his beauty for vacation? Right.<P>Also he is doing just what we agreed we would not. He is using D as a go between. She is having an adult behavior put on her when it is not for her to bear any of our strain. He must learn to do that for himself, but he always takes the easy road, even at the emotional future of our D. Yes it affects her. Already she is Codependently trying to keep the peace between us. We do not fight, but when info that he should discuss with me, to see if will work; is going through her as a final, accepted plan. That is just plain wrong.<P>She gets nothing but negative from me about H. I always get upset at H's behavior, and is already giving her ideas of hiding things from me. Mostly it is the shock of his continued inconsiderate behavior reguarding fair and necessary correspondence.<P>He feels so free with this easy ride I have given him about the woman, continued financial management, asking HIM for the divorce when nothing has been done on his part to take even one step to our marriage. Now he expects me to continue on with the divorce--it is almost as if he just wants to sign the papers and move on. Yea. It is this attitude that is getting my goat. He has not had to pay for one thing emotionally except his 40th bday he spent alone. Our kids took him moving out as an adventure, and now with us telling them of the divorce, they expected it and did not freak out.<P>I have so much pressure on me, and he gets this easy ride of having a girlfriend, working and playing squash until 8 pm. His perfect life. No complications. While my life is so complicated i can hardly function. Plus I have the kids full time with no camp in sight!<P>Thanks for letting me blow off more steam!

burnedspouse, So sorry to hear all you're going through. I can empathize, but don't know what to tell you... Just wanted to let you know someone was reading. Take care.

One of the hardest things for codependents to do is to set limits and maintain them. If someone crosses the line, there should be a consequence. Think about it. Don't make it so easy for him or anybody else in your life to treat you like a doormat. You have your rights. You work hard to maintain a home a raise your precocious daughter. If she is sent by your husband as a "go between," don't buy into it, listen, or respond. You have to keep it up. My husband, Mr. Hot-Shot Alcoholic put me off about the divorce, too. Wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks. Finally he agrees, then never calls. Guess what? I'm done talking. I'm filing. He had his chance. Oops. He crossed my boundary. That's it. He can talk to my lawyer. I already had the divorce meeting and negotiated. He must have been absent. I won't be held hostage to his social life. At all. No way. He can just...<P>Kiss my grits,<BR>Nell

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If someone crosses the line, there should be a consequence.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes there should be...but...<P>It's not our job to punish the offender when a boundary is crossed. Anytime we set ourselves up as judge and jury over our spouses, regardless of what they have done or not done, we are making a disrespectful judgement, and setting ourselves up as morally superior.<P>When my H walked all over me this weekend - did I punish him? No. It was MY responsiblity to hold onto my boundaries, and I didn't. He simply did what he always does. I didn't decide to "teach him a lesson" by attacking him for what he did....instead, I took a good hard look at myself. What did I really need? What was most important? Where should my priorities lie? How could I avoid having my boundary crossed like that again? What could I do differently next time?<P>I'm not suggesting that what you are doing by filing and communicating only through a lawyer is wrong - I'm simply pointing out that if your motive is to punish him for crossing a boundary - and your motive is NOT about taking care of you, then there is a problem.<P>Yes there are consequences for bad behavior. Sometimes we are the cause of the consequence by our reactions to the behavior. In my situation, my H continued dating while we were in counseling with Steve Harley and so I filed for divorce. I didn't file because I was gonna show him what happens when I get walked all over and taken advantage of....I filed because I needed to be safe emotionally and financially from his destructive actions. <P>Do you see the difference?<P>Sometimes my H does things that walk all over my boundaries, and when I figure out what I need to do to take care of me, there is no 'consequence' that I can see. It's not my job to make sure there is. My job is simply to take care of me.<P>I hope you are seriously considering <B>Al-Anon</B>.<P>Does anyone think I'm sounding like a broken record yet? <P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Did we just blow over here from two other threads? Codependence and alanon. I go to both too. And really feel that the coda is the better group for me because I am the one that needs work, and my H needs to make his own choices for recovery, which he has not.<P>I find that the drinking bothered me a lot when he lived here, but when it is not under my nose, I am not affected. But working on the steps for codependence is more beneficial to my personal recovery than having me accept the behavior from an H who behaves that way. <P>I don't enable, or feel fault for behavior that is not my doing. I did not cause it. Doing the Coda work keeps my relationships healthy with everyone, family, friends and children too. I show them more respect by showing myself more respect. I value them by valuing myself.<P>okay! I am done preaching.

BrambleRose,<P>A consequence is not necessarily the same thing as a punishment. A consequence to my husband's alcoholic behavior is that I will not be left waiting on the line until he feels "ready" to see me. And he is never ready when I am, eventhough he says he will be. He may see it as punishment and call me a *****, however the focus is on my needs at this particular moment. He had his opportunity to engage me in a discussion of our impending divorce. I tolerated his frank hostility for 2 weeks, asking him to calm down over and over. Finally, he agreed to call and set up an appointment with me. 5 days past the time he was to call me, I was sitting in the lawyer's office, drawing up a petition. The next day he called me. Too late. This is not an isolated incident, trust me. I need to get my show on the road (progress through the divorce process) for my own happiness. <P>A consequence of my husband's chronically tardy behavior is that he may miss the boat a few times. Better not make reservations on my steamer. Consequences are naturally occuring results of one's behavior. If my husband ties one on, falls through the front door, crawls 3 feet and passes out, he will stay there. His behavior is not acceptable to me, although it may be to him. I don't think I should be his nursemaid when he is more than aware of 12-Step help right down the street. He won't die down there. He may get uncomfortable. He may get embarassed. He is a grown up with a disease that comes with the responsibility of seeking treatment. I'm bipolar, and it's my responsibility to make sure my moods are stable by attending to the medical needs that make it possible. To do less would make my family and friends not want to be around me. It's a daily struggle. Alcoholism is a daily struggle.<P>Bramble, we have to let alcoholics be responsible for their own behavior. We do this by attending to ourselves first. We clearly mark our boundaries for our own emotional safety. I do not want to be a codependent. It's a psychiatric disorder unto itself, and I want to heal my emotional state. To punish someone, even an alcoholic, would take a lot of mental and physical energy, and I would end up more upset than whatever bothered me originally. I loved my alcoholic husband, but I can't proceed with living when my mate is spinning his wheels that push the keg. It's very difficult to be sober and survive in an alcoholic marriage. I know I can't do it.<P>Blessings and good wishes,<BR>Nell

P.S. BrambleRose, I learned about consequences at Al-Anon. <P><<If someone crosses the line, there should be a consequence.>><P>I tried to infer that if someone crosses your boundary, taking action to maintain your personal limits is healthy.<P>In the stress of a disolving marriage and trying to maintain my "even keel," I sometimes phrase my spontaneous thoughts aggressively. I think we're on the same wavelength, BR. Seems I'm always doing the 4th-Step boogie!<P>Nell