Hey guys,<P>I need some help. I'm not sure how many of you read my last post because it was first, but I need the advice of others in the same situation as me. Very briefly for new folks, my husband of 12 years left in March after saying "I'm not happy" around the end of January, shortly after finding out he lost his job of 16 years. Has a new job with better pay but that didn't help depression. He is not willing to work on relationship. Says he doesn't know what he wants and stoped taking depression meds after 2 weeks. Anyway I didn't expect an affair at first because 1.) I'm a fool who believes the best in people 2.) I totally didn't see my marriage in trouble 3.) He had never given me any reason to suspect anything and 4.) He strongly denied it when I asked and when his mom asked.<BR>Well, he lived with his parents for 2 months and about 3 weeks ago moved out into a duplex on his own (he says). He will not tell either of us exactly where he is. I said I wasn't going to let him take the kids (5 and 10yrs) there unless I knew where it was but of course, I broke down Saturday and let him. We had been to our son's championship baseball game(we won!!!) and he had been at the house cutting grass, playing with son, fooling around with me ( your typical Sat????) It had been such a great day, my hopes were renewed again that he might still want to be with me, etc. Well Sunday when son got home at noon, even though it was Fathers Day and wasn't supposed to be home until 5, he says our son met a friend who he says is the granddaughter of the landlord. This was a bit odd but believable enough. Anyway, I then find out that the girl, also 5, went fishing with them Sun AM. H says she had to go because they went to her family's creek. Son later says her mom went too. At this point, H is already gone but I'm really not sure what to beleive. My gut tells me now that something is definately going on. I have seen a lawyer for a consultation but have not put on retainer yet. Should I go to lawyer and discuss this or proceed with getting a PI, or confront my H with my feelings. I know he won't say anything but " I don't know" or "I don't know what to tell you" His favorite 2 sayings. Of course he will deny any involvement I'm sure. Does an affair really make any difference in divorce court anyway? I need to see a lawyer because he has not been keeping his financial support the same since he moved out of mom's. However, if I push the issue and become hateful, he may never want to consider coming home to our family..<BR>I know this is a loaded question but what should I do???<P>L

New with all this myself. What is it with men placing their whole identity in their jobs. Mine was highly upset & stated he was a failure, & I had hope he was thinking clearly but now he's renegged again. He has had severe job rejection & politics. I think there has to be a little mid life crisis thrown in there too, he has said all the things Ive seen listed in the articles & is behaving that way some. Now throwing himself into projects. Its like they cant live with their thoughts & will do anything not to think! & wont share true feelings with the wives either. Then if theres a sympathetic ear of some other female, even if no sex involved. GRRR. Why dont these women butt OUT!! Then the husbands really cant think for themselves or take responsibilty for their own actions. Why must it always be someone else's fault?<P>ANyway, enough ranting. I havent seen a lawyer yet. But I guess alot of states are "no fault". They dont care about the why. All they care about is getting the 2 of you to agree on how the finances are split. I wish they would make counseling mandatory!, except in cases of violence or addiction. Someone once mentioned the site uslaw.com<BR>Theres good info there. Select the family category & then look for divorce category. <P>What do you want? Are you willing to be divorced or wanting reconciliation? Its all hell on the emotions. Showing anger initially feels like a release, but in the long run it accomplishes nothing. I'm sure others will have good advice for you. I think lawyers do offer a consultation for free sometimes. Try talking to your H first saying the kids mentioned this girls mother & who was she. But if you accuse he will be on the defensive automatically, even if falsely, just to hurt you back. Tread carefully.

Peoplepleaser - it's amazing how easy it is to find out what's going on without putting out the bucks for a PI. You can do a lot of snooping and asking questions of others. Usually in an affair situation there are many others who know. As was the case in my H's affair. <P>Suggestions:<P>When he leaves your house (assuming you know he's coming) have someone follow him.<P>Any mutual friends that you can ask indirect questions of?<P>Your kids will tell you a lot and not even know it. Do try not to bring them into it though. They are so impressionable.<P>Just some suggestions.<P>Cagney<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peoplepleaser:<BR><B>Hey guys,<P>I need some help. I'm not sure how many of you read my last post because it was first, but I need the advice of others in the same situation as me. Very briefly for new folks, my husband of 12 years left in March after saying "I'm not happy" around the end of January, shortly after finding out he lost his job of 16 years. Has a new job with better pay but that didn't help depression. He is not willing to work on relationship. Says he doesn't know what he wants and stoped taking depression meds after 2 weeks. Anyway I didn't expect an affair at first because 1.) I'm a fool who believes the best in people 2.) I totally didn't see my marriage in trouble 3.) He had never given me any reason to suspect anything and 4.) He strongly denied it when I asked and when his mom asked.<BR>Well, he lived with his parents for 2 months and about 3 weeks ago moved out into a duplex on his own (he says). He will not tell either of us exactly where he is. I said I wasn't going to let him take the kids (5 and 10yrs) there unless I knew where it was but of course, I broke down Saturday and let him. We had been to our son's championship baseball game(we won!!!) and he had been at the house cutting grass, playing with son, fooling around with me ( your typical Sat????) It had been such a great day, my hopes were renewed again that he might still want to be with me, etc. Well Sunday when son got home at noon, even though it was Fathers Day and wasn't supposed to be home until 5, he says our son met a friend who he says is the granddaughter of the landlord. This was a bit odd but believable enough. Anyway, I then find out that the girl, also 5, went fishing with them Sun AM. H says she had to go because they went to her family's creek. Son later says her mom went too. At this point, H is already gone but I'm really not sure what to beleive. My gut tells me now that something is definately going on. I have seen a lawyer for a consultation but have not put on retainer yet. Should I go to lawyer and discuss this or proceed with getting a PI, or confront my H with my feelings. I know he won't say anything but " I don't know" or "I don't know what to tell you" His favorite 2 sayings. Of course he will deny any involvement I'm sure. Does an affair really make any difference in divorce court anyway? I need to see a lawyer because he has not been keeping his financial support the same since he moved out of mom's. However, if I push the issue and become hateful, he may never want to consider coming home to our family..<BR>I know this is a loaded question but what should I do???<P>L</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

People Pleaser,<P>Really suggest you stay away from the the private investigators. First off, the really good PIs won't even take this kind of work, too many heartaches. The PIs that take marital work tend to be the ones who can't get other work.<P>Before you hire a lawyer and put up a retainer, you should interview three or four at least. Think about using someone who will agree in advance to what the fees will be. <P>Then, be guided by your lawyer's advice. The investigation may satisfy your curiosity, but it is awfully expensive, and most likely unnecessary to the divorce process.<P>It has been suggested here that you get someone to follow you husband. Only a fool would do that for you, it gets pretty close to stalking a person, and I strongly recommend against that. In most states it would probably be illegal for the person to do that. Don't involve anyone in your problems that you don't have to. <P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

Thanks for the replies so far. I've been posting from work during lunch or after hours. Sometimes it's nice being the systems adm. Computer @ home is just too slow, or I'm just not patient enough. <P>I have had offers from some friends to let me borrow their cars so I wouldn't be spotted driving around. Haven't taken anyone up on it yet. I have still been hoping for the best, at least until Sunday. I know the secret whereab outs will not be secret long as he plans to pick up the kids tomorrow. My 10 yr old D is no dummy. She notices everything and will know exactly how to get there after one visit. We know the general area, just not the exact location. He says he doesn't have a phone yet but that's probably a lie so neither his parents or I can contact him whenever we want. I have discontinued the mobile effective in 2 weeks so I guess he will have to find an alternative by then. The lawyer I consulted in suppose to be the "best" in town. Known to make grown men cry, I've heard. Didn't pick him for that but mainly to keep my H from getting him. I wasn't all that impressed with him because he sees divorce as a process, no emotions, nothing. I got the impression I should be glad my marriage lasted 12 years considering many don't last 5. My marriage seemed more like a statistic to him, 3 of 4 fail.....<BR>However, everyone I tell I've picked him says, You've got the best. I guess I'll get the opportunity to find out soon as I see no alternative but to pursue something legal to protect myself financially. <P>I swore I would never be the one to file for divorce. I hope it will not come to that but how long to I have to be the one who carries all the responsibility. He doesn't even take the kids for the weekend. His idea of seeing them is from 5pm saturday until 9 am sunday. When he first left, I wanted them back before church but now I would just like to have time to get groceries or take a bath, etc without both kids right under me. <P>I've been in counseling and some days I'm stronger than others. How do I become strong and protect my family without becoming a total B**ch that my H can't stand? Am I just making it harder on myself by allowing our physical relationship to continue, even if it is only twice a month? The roller-coaster ride is terrible on my emotions. I have offered to do anything that would get him to try to work things out, but he won't. He is not ugly to me when he is around. In fact, an outsider would never even know anything was wrong. I think he thinks I'm always going to be his best friend even if he did desert our family for no good reason. I know in his depression, all this is very real to him but he is not willing to get help and I don't know if my life can stay in limbo forever. Then again, what's my alternative....<P>Need to get some work done. May be impossible as I've dragged my kids back to the office with me.... If anyone has any advice, I'm listening. Please pray for me and my family. Thanks<P>L

My lawyer said to hire the P.I. first, then we would file. So I did. I had been monitoring my husband's behavior for a long time using crude techniques. The P.I. was expensive, but I got some good dirt on video and a written report.<P>No, it's not against the law to commit adultery. However, if the spouse is spending marital assets on a mistress, well, that could complicate settlements for the offending spouse. I live in a no-fault state, too.<P>Nell