Every morning I walk my dog for about 30 minutes. During that walk I usually see a neighbor who looks to be in his forties. He seems a little shy and a little "slow" and he is living with his parents. Every day he sees me coming and quickly turns around and heads for his house. Sometimes he can't get there fast enough and I am able to get out a "hello". Usually he keeps going and doesn't even turn.<P>There are other neighbors who say bad things about him like he is strange and such, but to me he just seems really shy. For the past year and a half our morning routine is the same. Sometimes I see him while I am driving and I either wave or call out "hi" from the car. Again he pretends he didn't see or hear me. This morning we were walking in a direct path towards each other and I had expected him to turn and retreat. But NOT today. Today he knelt down and began to pet my dog. He began telling my how beautiful the dog was and how he always wanted this exact kind but his parents are "cat" people. We chatted for a couple minutes then we continued walking. As I walked away he kept telling me how great my dog was. The further I walked the bigger the smile got on my face.<P>My prayer was answered in the strangest of ways.<P>Let me explain: In another post here I mentioned the problems I had encountered with a new woman. It ended about a week ago - when it did, there were things I wanted to tell her "as a friend" but that I never got the chance to say. So I wrote her a letter. The letter expressed my regret that things did not work out. It went on to say that I thought she was very nice but that she may be holding on too tight to a pain she encountered over 4 years ago from another relationship. I used my recent past and divorce as a way to show her I understood why, but that we both needed to not let our pasts dictate our futures. Some may say it was a little inappropriate for me to bring up, but I don't think so. All her friends say the same thing behind her back, but no one is strong enough to tell her to her face. Our time was over, so I felt that it couldn't hurt anymore if I told her and that at least she would know that there may be a problem she could address and fix, instead of always believing she was at the mercy of "bad" guys.<P>The letter was nothing but nice. Many of you may write back saying that I only knew her for a short while and it may have been inappropriate to have written it. That is what several people I know are saying, because apparently it really upset this girl. She has been carrying the letter around for days and when she first got it, she went out and got extremely drunk. Now keep in mind the last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt her in anyway. And there is nothing mean or cruel in the letter - just the truth. <P>And the last thing I want to do is pursue the relationship further in any way. But that did not take away the fact that I did/do care about her as a friend and the pain she has inside is very obvious. I could have just moved-on and let it go, but I chose not to.<P>I tried to reach out through the letter but she took it the wrong way. Instead of reading it at face value she is trying to look into every sentence for hidden meaning. Guess what? There isn't any. I was simply being nice. Just as I have been nice to my neighbor for the past year and a half.<P>So I prayed about it. (I actually prayed before I sent it as well). I asked if what I did was really "wrong"? Knowing that I only had good intentions in my heart and that I was not in anyway trying to save the relationship. Really I wasn't. I was sad it didn't work out, but I knew that much of the reason was because I wasn't ready for it. And I guess I felt a little bad for that and wanted to do something nice for her.<P>This morning God sent His answer through my neighbor. God chose today for this man to stop and talk to me. I could have stopped being nice anywhere along the way this past year, but I chose not to. And I am so glad I didn't. That little 3 minute conversation made my day and my week. But it did more than that, it helped me realize that there is nothing wrong with being nice. I hold doors, I say "hi", I stop for people in trouble, I go out of my way for friends, family and strangers. Sometimes I get hurt in the process, sometimes my actions are misinterpreted. But that does not stop me.<P>What makes me sad though is how people like this girl are so quick to believe that people are "evil" and that someone who is only being "nice" is actually covering up something. And the other people who so often don't go out of their way because they may feel uncomfortable or "don't want to get involved" or whatever.<P>It is sad that it used to be someone who was truly nice was common everywhere you went, now someone like that often appears to be some kind of abnormality and is shunned by society?<P>The good news is that it won't ever stop me from being who I am. In a selfish way, being nice makes me feel good. Not only does it "usually" brighten the day of the person on the receiving end, it brightens mine as well.<P>I did the same thing ALL the way through my divorce - I remained nice. In the face of heartache and pain, as my wife threw "daggers" at me, as she bad-mouthed my name to others, I remained nice. It got to the point where not ONE single person could understand how I could still be nice to her - they all thought I should and had every right to retaliate. But I didn't. The day of our divorce my wife came to me and thanked me for being so nice throughout the whole process. I told her that is who I am - I love her and I wished her well.<P>Mike<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Didn't Jesus say that what you do to the least of your brethern, you do to me? Face it Mike, society is NOT geared up to accept agape love...it is the definition of selflessness, and society demands selfishness. Otherwise, you are defective.<P>She took it that way because of her insecurities. The letter is just an extension of the relationship. You wanted to get closure, and have both of you learn from it, what could possibly be wrong with that? If she is walking around with it, then you DID touch her, didn't you? Too bad she has a guard there, the guard got her drunk, etc. I'll bet she grows from it...like your neighbor. Hey, Mike...you're doing His work, don't expect a party from a society that just 'doesn't get it'. We gotta do this one person at a time. Get a pyramid going, or something.<P>It is sad that we take things badly, but the reason in part is that we have self-esteem issues...why would this be positive for me? What is the downside? Where is that other shoe? Tough. We miss a lot that way. Its sad. Very sad.<P>I am also named Mike. I also am D'ed against my will. I am also finding these miracles in my life that has been decimated. I also share your hope. I pray for the restoration of my family, including my XW, so maybe I am a little more naive, or blind to it. I would not attempt a relationship right now, but I would enjoy some female companionship once in a while to keep me whole, and get a bead on how I am doing with things. I took enough from my XW to know what to do, but the validation is GONE.<P>Good for you, Mike. God is smiling...you get it! Your Grace and peace will grow as much as you let it. Keep in touch. God bless.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited June 20, 2001).]

Thanks for your encouragement. I agree we can't wait around for a "big party" for just being nice, nor should we.<P>I guess the reason I write these little stories here is two-fold: One it helps me get things "out" off my chest and learn, and secondly so that those going through the process of divorce may choose NOT to strike back against those that are hurting you. I've been there - BOY IS IT HARD to do sometimes, but I tell you after it is all said and done, it is worth it. So worth it.<P>Mike,<BR>There is no reason to "give up hope" for your X. Even though in situations like ours, hope is often seen as not being able to let go, I think it is nearly impossible for everyone not to at least have a little tiny hope that things could still work out (even if they don't want to admit it to themselves). Even though I am trying to get back on the "dating horse", that does not mean I have lost all hope for my xwife and marriage - I think that deep within I will always have a little hope. In this life you don't know what will happen today, let alone weeks/months/years down the road.<P>I don't think you are "blind to it", I think your eyes are wide open and seeing perfectly clear.<P>Hang in there guy!<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Looks like He has a full schedule for you. THANK YOU.

It's easy to be nice when you are not being told anything you don't want to hear, or being rejected, or competing for some resource or other. It's easy to be nice when you haven't been hurt. <P>We're not called upon to be "nice" all the time. Even Christ wasn't "nice" all the time. Christ trashed a bazaar--how nice was that?<P>In fact, Christ comforted the afflicted and afflicted the comfortable. And the latter saw to his crucifixion, with the full support of a duped public--they thought he paid the price for not being nice, but he actually paid the price for all of us who fawn over the comfortable and disdain the afflicted. <P>No one needs to be nice in the face of injustice. Now that doesn't mean that we necessarily confront it shrilly and directly. It just means that if we're not nice, it may not count against us; and if we are nice, we may be doing less than we should.<P>I've managed to maintain a veneer of "niceness" in my dealings with my XW. Nonetheless, it has been sorely tested, and if not for folks here and a close confidant or two, I probably would have already sent to her boss information that would deprive her of a job, perhaps even a career. Not nice. I won't do it unless it's justified. And I've reset the bar much higher for what will justify it.<P>But did I do something that wasn't nice? You bet I did. In the face of her silent refusal to face an embarrassing secret, I revealed it (while trying to maintain her anonymity) to the guardian of a couple of endangered minors. Things have never been the same, and cooperation has largely deteriorated. I have to accept that. <P>When I made the disclosure, I wondered if I might ultimately regret it. I wondered if I wasn't meddling, or hurting someone for something done very long ago that would never happen again, or hurting XW unnecessarily by breaking her silence for her (even though I didn't identify her, or myself). Now, a few months after I did it, I'm happy to say that I feel more than ever like I did the right thing. I'm simply free of having to worry that my inaction might allow those kids to be hurt. I guess what I did was nice after all. <P>Nice is not always right, hurting someone is not always wrong. When several people's interests are in conflict, the course that protects the innocents may make some other people mighty unhappy. Where someone needs to hear the truth, we're wrong to omit it. Even where speaking out won't be perceived as nice. <P>Is virtue its own reward? Not always. But we answer to something higher than ourselves. There's a reward coming.

Mike..<P>That was an AWESOME post! You are one very classy person! I have so much respect for you and your views that you mentioned in your post. The take about people viewing "nice" people as abnormal was RIGHT ON!<P>You're my HERO man!<P>Thanks<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>It's easy to be nice when you are not being told anything you don't want to hear, or being rejected, or competing for some resource or other. It's easy to be nice when you haven't been hurt. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sis,<P>No it is not easy - but then again doing the right thing is in fact not always "easy". Christ said to "Turn the other cheek" - "To love your neighbor as yourself". I understand the situation you are in, but like I have written to you in the past, I question whether what you do is for the "good" of the family or just as something you "hold over your x's head"? Only you can answer that and you don't have to answer it here - you only need to answer it in your heart.<P>Since you often bring up the issue here, I really feel you are struggling with what is "right" as it concerns this situation - and that is a good thing. Sometimes knowing what the "right" thing is, is a hard thing to do.<P>Conveying the truth to "help" is usually not a "bad" thing, but when it is done for other reasons, I'm not so sure.<P>And I know you know my story from reading my posts, so you should know that I wasn't only "crushed" by my X, my heart was ripped out and stomped on (repeatedly ). And yes it was extremely difficult to remain the "bigger" person, but I did. Sure there were times where I slipped - I am human. But for the most part I stayed as strong as I could.<P>What good does it do to "hurt" someone just because they are hurting (or have hurt) you? Does it really make a person feel better to get even? For me the answer is "no". I loved my wife when I met her, I loved her while I was married to her, and I loved her when she divorced me. Did I love her actions? No - I loved "her" even when she didn't love me. If you label me a fool - so be it.... My love for her was not dependent on her love or her actions to me...<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P><P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Just a thought....<P>Maybe the reason your friend (the girl) was so upset about the letter you wrote wasn't because it was the truth; maybe it was partially because she didn't think you were the appropriate one to tell her those things. I don't know...just guessing.<P>I'm all for the truth and being nice regardless if others are nice to you, but there is also the question of appropriateness. It may be the truth to tell someone they have cancer, but it's inappropriate if you are the doctor's secretary. <P>On the other hand, maybe you not knowing her as well as her other friends, allowed you to say something that she needed to hear and wouldn't have if one of them had said it. Maybe that's why she's upset....<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>BTW....I love this post! I smile at strangers all the time and say "hi" whenever I catch someone's eye...and I'm NOT a flirt, by any means. Just want to touch base with the humanity all around us. Bye!

Mike,<P>It took courage to do what you did..You opened a door for her in her own life she may not have realized needed opening..you forced her in away to look within herself for<BR>whats wrong..and not to blame everyone else..you took the responsiblility for YOUR actions in the relationship..and also put hers on her..where they belong..you did something her so called friends are afraid to do..you shared something with her about herself that others haven't..her friends may be afraid to say anything for fear she'll do what she did..<BR>go get drunk..and then hate them for her feeling so badly..<BR>but..you didn't have that to go through..because the relationship was over already..and your problably the ONLY person who has ever said anything to her..and since she kept the letter and is reading it..maybe God will be able to use it to heal her wounded heart..maybe she will look at the things you shared with her and look within herself..<P>I think you did good

Hi...<P>Yes! Mike, I was so touched and thrilled to read about your own personal "Norman" story - have you heard that on Focus on the Family? Anyway, what a reward to hear a <I>brother</I> persevering in niceness and in love - truly loving your neighbor. Thanks for that.<P>As for the former girl, I was kind of feeling the same as Mrs. O... I'm all for honesty and openness but appropriateness needs to be brought in also. I don't think you should have regrets but I'm struggling with this issue myself... just because I know something or discern something, is it my role to open that door? Or is my role to pray or what exactly is my role? Just a thought...<P>Sysphus... yeah, I'm with Mike on the idea that there may be a bit of a confession and justification in your reply... If I remember correctly, about when I started on these boards, is when you dropped the family bomb... again, I'm wondering about appropriateness but can't fully remember the details. THAT being said, you make excellent points about protecting the "innocent" in the face of conflicting interests... So, it's a personal judgment call one that needs to be made with integrity - congruent to the values within a person.<P>What else did you say Sisyphus... oh, the bit about Jesus NOT being nice in the Temple (I think you called it Bazaar - seemed like it and that was the problem). Well, yeah, he was in defense of what the purpose of God's Temple is about... they were exploiting it. They were not threatening him nor accusing him at this point... he reacted in the name of what was right, honorable, true, pure and right in the name of God the Father (IMO). He continues to do this today... Jesus does, as WE (our bodies)are now the Temple of the Holy Spirit and HE continues to attempt to turn the money-changers and the retailers out of our lives who are distracting us from the true, right, honorable purpose of God's Holy Temple within us! Ok, there's my sermon...<P>Anyway, being nice... it's definitely not easy and I beg to differ from your opinion, Sisyphus, when you state <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>No one needs to be nice in the face of injustice. Now that doesn't mean that we necessarily confront it shrilly and directly. It just means that if we're not nice, it may not count against us; and if we are nice, we may be doing less than we should.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> What exactly is being nice? What does it look like? Are we having differences over semantics or is there more? If we are to err, I'd say err on being nice - anyway, our call is to live at peace with one another if at all possible and is up to us (Ro 12). Being NICE is one of the best ways I know how to markedly achieve that goal... isn't it so?<P>Cheers!<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

What struck me most about this story bis the "leap" you made between your neighbor and this girl. A wonderful connection and shows that you truly look for signs of God's hand and grace in your life. That is so important and a lesson that I have learned through all of this myself. Too many people overlook small happenings in their lives and never try to recognize any personal significance in these events. Through this experience you learned something about people, about your faith, and about yourself. We should all humbly look for the same lessons.<P><p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited June 22, 2001).]

A few fast points:<P>I'm <I>with</I> Mike on the writing of that letter. And if <I>she</I> thought it was inaccurate, <I>she</I> could easily dismiss it. Life <I>is</I> like the old mouthwash commercial ... your best friends <I>won't</I> always tell you the truth. Mike is <I>no</I> fool for how he has handled anything.<P> ************<P>My writing about the letter <I>I</I> wrote ... wasn't to justify it. No need--I can feel the justification in my heart. My point was that it was not at all clear what I would do or not do, or why I would be doing it. There came a point where it was still not entirely cleared up, but a course presented itself and I chose it on faith that it was the best alternative out of several uncomfortable choices, having honed it into a scalpel for a specific situation when it had formerly been a <I>bludgeon</I> that would have mainly hurt the XW.<P>I <I>feel</I> it was the correct choice and has had <I>approximately</I> the intended effect, although I do not feel bound to try to follow up and learn the true outcome--<I>that</I> in itself would invite disaster.<P> ***********<P>I called the Temple a bazaar because that's what the moneychangers had made it ... that area had become a <I>bazaar</I>. To say that Christ trashed a temple ... might give those less familiar with the New Testament a wrong idea. He wasn't in the <I>holy of holies</I> shredding the <I>Torah</I>! Nor was Christ against commerce <I>per se</I>; remember he was a skilled carpenter from a family of carpenters. They didn't work wood for free! He just saw the commercial sphere impermissably invading the religious sphere.<P> *************<P>Here's what I mean about not being nice: If Serbs are slaughtering Kosovars, we will send well-trained people in with awesome weaponry. They will kill some people and break some things before order is restored. And they will maintain order through the obvious threat that they will kill some more people and break some more things. I would hardly call that nice. Nice would be to send a note, a <I>Hallmark Card</I> perhaps, with hearts and flowers, that says: "Neighbors sometimes bother us, but we don't have to kill them and take their belongings." - Regards, The International Community. The latter would be far less than man's duty to his fellow man. So sometimes there <I>is</I> a duty to deviate from being nice. There's nothing I can do to help it. <P><I>Diplomacy</I> is being <I>nice</I>. Diplomats exchange notes, throw social events, sit down and negotiate things. Career diplomats are chosen for (and advance through) their social graces, and skillful ability to reconcile others' interests with their own country's interests. That's nice. If diplomacy has run its course without acceptable results, it's time to go back to the other course. <P>In fact, I tried the diplomatic route with XW. I told her in an e-mail that I wanted to engage her in a discussion about that situation. I heard only silence. She knew from my words and tone that I was serious, and on the verge of unilateral action. There was no surprise. I was as nice as I could be, given the situation.

Sisyphus,<P>There is no doubt that the situation you encountered was difficult. Often the hardest decisions to make are those that exist in the "greyest" areas where there is no clearly marked path. I believe that is the time when you have no other choice but to turn to God - not just to ask for His wisdom and grace, but to "listen" for His reply. From what I remember that is something that you did. And I know you bounced back and forth on the subject for quite a while. As an intellectual type of person (that is what I infer often from your posts), a decision such as the one you made most likely was even more difficult than for someone who is mainly driven by emotion.<P>Be at rest with your choice. Just the fact that you brought it up here in this forum and debated back and forth with several people here, to me shows that you truly wanted to do what was best. Now it may be time to let it pass. Like you said, there is not much left for you to do about it now. Be at peace with your decision - it was a hard one to make and I'm sure you made the right choice...<P>Now back to being "nice" You mention diplomats being nice. I tend to disagree a little here - diplomats excel at being diplomatic. They may express niceties, but that is not always the same as being "nice". So often their reasons for seeming to be nice is in order to get something they (or their countries) want or need. To me being truly "nice" is something that is as close to selflessness as humanly possible (we could go from here on to a debate about there being no truly "selfless acts", but that may be for another post! ). When I am nice I do it to see a smile on someone's face, or to know that whatever I did had a positive (or will have) a positive effect on that person.<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

The US is such a rich country, I think we spend a lot of our diplomatic efforts determining who needs help, and how best to get it to them. Remember, the <I>Peace Corps</I> is part of our diplomatic efforts. We don't necessarily ask for much in return.

Or you could simply say that the U.S.'s goal is to "spread Democracy" and our way of life (which is us wanting something in return)...

This is a very interesting thread, by the way...<P>Sisyphus, you say: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>: If Serbs are slaughtering Kosovars, we will send well-trained people in with awesome weaponry. They will kill some people and break some things before order is restored. And they will maintain order through the obvious threat that they will kill some more people and break some more things. I would hardly call that nice. Nice would be to send a note, a Hallmark Card perhaps, with hearts and flowers, that says: "Neighbors sometimes bother us, but we don't have to kill them and take their belongings." - Regards, The International Community. The latter would be far less than man's duty to his fellow man. So sometimes there is a duty to deviate from being nice. There's nothing I can do to help it. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Spoken like a <I>true</I> American. I'm not even going to get into the debate about the "nice-ness" of what the United States did in Serbia... Truly, it's unbelievable that THAT was the only solution... I guess ya really had to be there though... <P>SoTired: you're right on about the U.S. propagating <I>OUR</I> way of life... that's the motivation so much of the time. Another TRULY unbelievable thing that is so natural to the American attitude world-wide.<P>Sisyphus: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The US is such a rich country, I think we spend a lot of our diplomatic efforts determining who needs help, and how best to get it to them. Remember, the Peace Corps is part of our diplomatic efforts. We don't necessarily ask for much in return. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Again, we don't ask for much as long as you (country) do things/see things our way. Isn't that a BIT presumptuous? Oh, geeszh I don't know... I've worked all over the place and being an American, I'm had many people tell me that it's not necessarily <B>WHAT</B> we/Americans do ... it's the <B>WAY</B> we go about doing it... talk about being nice and appropriate. <P>I think people would get into far less trouble if they wouldn't presume correctness in making decisions for others if they would just live the way Jesus did... do things the way He did them... ahhh world peace. It's too elusive with people in this world who think their way is the right way... (I know this personally as this is the BASIS for my marital discord).<P>Cheers!<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17