Well, to those of you who don't know the story, briefly, my stbx H and I are closing right now on an old house that has been made with an in-law apartment upstairs (so it's like a duplex). My H will be moving in up there and I will remain on the mainfloor. Each floor has three bedrooms - and each floor a room for the parent and for the kids (3 boys: ages 4, 5 & 7).<P>Obviously, they will start asking some questions about this... does anyone have any suggestions on how to explain the fact that "Daddy doesn't want to remain married to Mommy anymore but we want to stay close because we love the three of you so much..."<P>Today while looking at bedroom furniture, we saw a bunk bed for the kids' room. It's a single on top and a double on the bottom and my oldest S (7) says, "Oh Mommy, you and Daddy can have the top and us three can sleep down here." So, I'm left wondering how to explain that? Actually, son, you will have two bedrooms and Mommy will have her own room and so will Daddy upstairs.<P>Yeah, so now I see where the confusion is going to start... I know that with this arrangement they will hold out hope that we will be reunited (as do I, quite honestly) but H says there is simply no chance. So, instead of passing the buck saying, "Oh ask Daddy." What can I say without endorsing this idea of ripping apart the sacred union of our marriage (that he claims was a mistake from the start)?<P>I guess I'm doing some thinking these days... trying to be prepared with an answer to what my son asked today at the furniture store.<P>Thanks again...! <P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

I just told my kids a week ago. I had to write it out before the "family meeting." my h and i conducted. This is what I wrote:<P> <B>Children-<BR> You know that for almost a year now, Dad and I have been having difficulty. We have found that we are not happy together, we are happier apart. We wtill care for each other, and we both love you so much--that will not change.<P> There was nothing you did or could have done because the problems were all ours. We could not come to a solution.<BR> Things will remain much like it is now as much as possible. This will be our house and you will continue to go to the same school and have the same frinds. You will see Dad as often as you do now.<P>The things that will chan is Dad will eventually get his own place and will need som of the stuff from this house to fill it, and Mom will get a job to help support this home.<P>You will have two homes with toys and beds. We will always take care of you both because we are your parents and we love you.</B><P>We worked from that as a basis and answered any questions honestly. The important thing is for the kids to know that they were not the cause, that you will work on staying frinds, and that they are loved and will be taken care of. <P>They took it well. They are still asking questions. It is okay. H moved out 4 1/2 months ago to see if he could come to any decisions, when he could not, I did. But the kids were prepared and were already doing the every other weekend vistation-thing. They were used to it and the way things would be from now on. Though H is living with his cousin at the moment.<P>One question they asked is don't we love each other anymore. the answer had to be thought about. I told them that when two people are married they have a special love that makes them want to be together, live a life together without thought of ever being a part. I told them that dad and I did not have that kind of love anymore, but the love we shared for them would keep us as a family forever, but that dad and I would not be husbund and wife anymore. <P>For a little levity: my 12 yr old D interjects at this point, " and they won't be sleeping together any more either." and I said "right!"<P>Good luck--keep to the positive.

Don't lie to them. If you don't want the marriage to end, do not pretend that it is in any way your idea. <P>The last thing I would want to do is pretend that it is somehow ok to destroy a family because someone decided that he or she is not "happy" - that certainly violates everything I believe about the permanence of marriage, and about love being a decision. They know that I believe that marriage is forever, and that if there are problems you should work them out. <P>I told the children that I believe that their father is suffering from depression. They know their is an OW, because he introduced them to her a few weeks after he moved out, behind my back. The only positive to that is that they have never blamed themselves for his leaving. <P>I have told them that I love their father, and that I will always love him. They know that love does not go away, although it can be buried. They know that people continue to love, even when they are angry. <P>They know that I want to reconcile. The other day my 15 year old son saw a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, who had remarried her husband after 10 years. He called me in to the room to tell me about it, and told me that I shouldn't give up hope after only two years. I think that is one thing he worries about, that I might give up. He is very angry at his father, particularly since his father refuses to spend much time with him, but he has said on many occasions that he would welcome him back with open arms when the aliens return him. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited June 21, 2001).]

My 17 year old told me...Dad, don't worry, the kids always stand behind the one that stays in the home...NICE TRY, SON.<P>I'm not looking for their support AGAINST Teri, but I can't tell them that what she is doing NOW is alright. Been through it on my thread...you know what I mean. I don't say ANYTHING bad, if I can avoid it, but when S2 said he didn't think it was fair when OM spent the night, I ALMOST HAD TO BITE COMPLETELY THROUGH MY TONGUE...I'm not kidding...I still can't drink OJ...feels like mercurichrome!<P>Gosh, Nicole...don't know what to tell you, except what I said.<BR> 'I love your mother very much. She no longer loves me, and does not want to be married to me anymore. That is her choice, and she deserves to make her own decision. We have to respect that. OM gives her something she needs now that I can't. We have to respect that, too.<BR> I want nothing more than to be a family, and if this is the only way, then this is the way it will be. We have got to move on from here. (Remember S2 at this point started to cry.) I said, Garrett (because that's his name!) I still beleive that God will restore this family, I just don't know to what extent, and I still want to be her husband, the rest is out of our control.<BR> We both love you very much, and that will not change.'<P>She chickened out of the family discussion by going out with the over-medicated home wrecking sister of her OM that night, and I was left with breaking the original news, but they are old enough to know, and she didn't have the decency to do her character assination speech in private...they were all four here, and heard it all. I was pursuing her, and they heard my weak begging, as well. I thought they lost respect for me, too.<P>Why don't you get a telephone consult with Dr. Harley, or someone...or read a book, or just follow your heart? Honestly, he should figure out how to justify his actions to them, but given what he has said to you, and his parents...probably not gonna happen. Dropped the ball again, didn't he? Too bad.

Nellie1...aren't you from DC? I am from the other end of Route 66 off of 495 beltway originally...when I visit my parents, I want to meet you...I've read your stuff...sorry about your marriage, and H. You are an interesting person, and you seem strong, and convicted...BTW...GREAT POST on the women bashing thread! Take care. God bless.

waiting for her,<P>Thanks for the support. I don't live in the DC area, though; I live in New England.