Here is my story:<P>My husband and I met in college when we were 19 and we are now 30. We graduated from college and he moved my hometown. We were engaged and he cheated on me. I called off the wedding and moved out (we were living together). He came back to me and said he would do whatever it took to make me trust him again. Well, he did and I did. He asked me to marry him again two years later and we got married a year later. We have now been married almost 3 years. Everything was great and I had my best friend for my husband and thought we had a wonderful marriage. He is always very thoughtful and everything has always been 50/50. I thought we would be together forever and were planning on starting a family this summer. We were having some issues with sex - mainly not enough. I knew this was an issue and didn't really address it. He would casually mention that it bothered him and I just thought it was something that would work itself out. I knew I loved him and that wasn't why. I think I just got lazy which isn't an excuse. In February I noticed he was acting differently - not being as considerate, loving, short tempered, etc. He started going out with people from work a couple of times and staying out later than normal. At the end of February he was asked to go on a project out of state for 6-8 weeks and coming home every other weekend. I was so upset thinking of not having him around but he said he would be good for us and it would be ok. March 12th I opened the bills (which I always let him do and didn't even look at them). I found his cell phone with a phone number on it over 100 times in a month! I called it and a girl answered, I hung up. I called back and got the voicemail so I had her name. I called him and asked who she was. He said "nobody", got defensive, hung up. He called me back and said she was someone he had met and they were just friends. Then he said that he and I had some things to work out and he felt differently about me. I freaked out and started counseling the next day. He came home that weekend and continued to lie about this girl. I then found a credit card bill where he had flown her up there! He STILL lied and said he booked the flight then she didn't go and he hadn't slept with her. He finally admitted that she did go up there and they had slept together. Over the next few weeks he kept lying to me and continued to talk to her. He came home every weekend and was going to counseling on Saturdays. I think he saw the OW some ( coming home earlier on Fridays and not telling me)but he was out of town and home on the weekends with me. His basic explanation was that he loved me but felt like we were just friends. He said he had always missed the intimacy with me but thought that everything else was great so that was ok. He said now he realizes he needs that. I told him I did too and that I would turn it around with his help. He agreed but things just kept getting worse. I found out the girl is a stripper! He doesn't usually go to those places. I went out of town for training on January 12th and he went with some friends that we aren't usually around and went home with her! I then found credit cards that he had built up and paid off with some money I had from an inheritance. In counseling he said that he had built up the credit cards bills (which he has always had a problem with) and didn't want me to know. While he was in St. Louis he met a bunch of people that he was going out with there. He said it was a fun group and since he was out of town he always went out with them. One is a girl that I believe he probably has had or now is having an affair with. He talked about her and said they were just friends and she had just gotten out of a bad relationship. The last week he was there she was all over the cell phone bill but he says they are just friends. I don't believe him. He came home from that project April 25th and told me he wanted a divorce and that things were too messed up and we couldn't get past it all. He said he felt differently and that I would never trust him again anyway. We went to counseling and he then agreed we need to try to save our marriage so we to Hawaii for a week (a pre-planned trip). It was ok and we had some nice times. Memorial Day weekend I came home to a note saying he needed some time to think and was going out of town. He told me he went to his hometown but I have never really believed him. He came home and said he wanted a divorce. He was going to leave but I did and went to my cousins since my house makes me nuts. He then called me and said he didn't know if he wanted a divorce and just thinks that is the easiest route at this point. He said he needed time to get himself straight. We have been separated for the last 3 weeks. However, the last two weeks he has been in St. Louis. He went to interview for a job they offered him there. He said not to read anything in to it and that it is a great opportunity - a lot more money. He has called and talked about us moving there for a fresh start and then in the same breath says maybe it will be best for him to just leave and let me get on with my life. He was suppose to come home Monday. He called yesterday, said he was sorry and that they had asked him to stay to talk to more people. He said he would be home on Wed (last night) and wanted to get together to "talk" tonight. He said he just wanted to get together start talking about things, about this job, wanted to hug, etc. Now, I went by the house and he didn't come home last night and I haven't heard from him. We were suppose to get together today (tonight) and I have heard nothing. I called him and left him a voicemail saying how unfair and selfish he is being and that I can't believe he didn't have more respect for me than this. I know he is going to ask for a divorce. I can't believe it and after all this don't want to live without him. I can't bear to give our life up, our relationship, house, cars, friends, families, etc. I am sorry this is so long but how do I handle him telling me this tonight or whenever he decides to face me? I need some advice from those that have been there. Our friends don't understand either. It seems he has become a different person completely in 5 months. I must sound crazy to want to be with him but I want my life and best friend back. I feel so lost and unhappy....<BR>

Hello... so did you talk with him tonight or what?<P>Okay, please read <I>Surviving an Affair</I> by Dr. Willard Harley. Also, spend a LOT of time on this board reading as much information as you can. There is also a Board about Just finding out... and General Questions II which really address the infidelity issue.<P>You need some space and need to think about yourself and how you're going to breathe here... So, if you can, hear what you H is saying but give yourself some response time.<P>Read about Plan A - and all about it... with meeting emotional needs (which sounds like sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship are a couple) that your husband (H) has... Do NOT get desparate... you WILL survive this... and you NEED to think about how you can get a hold of yourself and present yourself in as calm a way as you can given the MESS you are in.<P>Please take a deep breath and relax... you are in for the roller coaster ride of your life - I won't kid you on this. So, think long and hard about what you want and what you want to look like in a year... take each step, each decision, every word with the END IN MIND... (ooh, I'm preaching now and preaching to myself too!)<P>Really post on these boards... try anything you can do to find the peace inside in the midst of these storms.<P>My prayer for you is that God will calm the storm, OR to calm YOU in the midst of the storm... life happens and it's bad sometimes and it's extremely painful... but YOU will survive.<P>Keep us posted...!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17<p>[This message has been edited by OvrCs (edited June 22, 2001).]

First of all, stop thinking of the divorce issue. You have not talked with him you are not sure of what he will say when he gets back. No amount of imagining will make you feel any better, only worse. <P>I know many of the same feelings that you have had before. In fact, I could have written much in your post. We had issues with sex-same as you. He casually mentioned it, and I got lazy as well. I realized later that it was a big need for him: the connection, the feeling, etc. WHat it made me see is that I did not do a good job meeting or recognizing his needs. That is number one. It opened up a whole door of realizations for me.<P>Getting to counseling was the best thing you could do. He should go with you but don't pressure him. The Harley's also have some great articles here on rebuilding a marriage by yourself, about affairs, and about needs. I learned a lot. Also, if it is one piece of advice that I can give that helped me the MOST: when he does come home, DO NOT BEG, CRY, OR BLUBBER. Be supportive, loving and patient. Even if he tells you that he wants a divorce. Remember that you love him so always show him. He will notice, believe me.<BR>