I am going through a divorce which I did not want. I know that I did things that hurt my ex and caused her to want a divorce. Let me give you a little history. We were married for 13 years and have two children. Our big problem was we neglected each other and did not communicate very well. I am military and moved her all over the country. I did not realize how adversely this was affecting her. We we would fuss, I would give her space because I thought that was what she wanted. I poured my energy into my work because my rewards were there. A was also away a lot due to deployments. I have to say that in 13 years, there was only a handful of days when I didn't talk to her. There was never any physical violence, infidelity, or anything like that. There was just neglect and resentment on her part because I couldn't see her needs. I moved her to another state a year ago for what she called preparation for our retirement. About five months ago, she told me she wanted a divorce. I didn't want one, but I agreed because she said she wanted us to start with a clean slate. The divorce was final about 6 weeks ago. I have read a lot about communicating, and meeting your partner's needs. I have changed my career goals. I wanted to be a good father and husband and I wanted to support her in her new career. She is doing very well for herself. Remember, now that I was used to talking to her every day. I would tell her daily that I loved her and I even asked her to marry me again. She said that she couldn't picture herself with anyone but be and that she loved me. About a month ago, she ask me to stop calling. She has told me that she is seeing somebody. She says he is sincere. I'm not sure what that means. At any rate. I stopped emailing and calling except to talk to or about the kids. When I do call to talk to the kids, she will usually start talking to me about all kinds of things. She still used the word "our" in describing things at her house (I have never lived in the house). She will say our yard, our house, she has asked me to come and work on a couple of things. She asked me why I didn't come to visit the kids on father's day when I know that he new boyfriend went to church with them. She will email me stuff out of the blue (nothing personal, just pics of events and stuff). Here's the question. How could she change her mind so quickly (from I can only picture myself with you) and ask me to stop calling. Why does she still use "we" and "our" so much in her emails and conversations. What kind of emotions is she facing in dealing with this. She knows I still love her. Can someone tell me what she is really thinking?<P>Rcanzan

Who knows? Really. She probably can't answer that, either. Lots of help, huh? Its true. You haven't really given much beyond statistical data, however. I do hear what you are saying, though, so here's my take:<P>BF probably doesn't fulfill her needs as much as she'd like to think, or he'd like to, either. Many of us get it wrong, not just you and me. Trouble is, most are way worse, and its pretty obvious...ever know a couple like that? You know, after you leave them, you and XW would be extra nice, and probably not talk too much about it, too bad. You BOTH missed that boat if that was the case.<P>She misses you. Like you said, you did attempt to provide her ENs, and even if you were not successful, you DID TRY, and that actually counts for something (like chinese finger cuffs, however, not the huge teddy bear...sorry again.) BUT, she also misses being able to say that she ended it, you were weak about it, and she has you under her thumb...maybe. Step outside yourself (Thanks, OvrCs), and look at how you acted at the bomb release, after, and since the D. You are still attached, and she gets a lot of mileage out of holding that carrot out there, and watching you jump for it. Trouble is, you are filling the hole the BF leaves, not the other way around, which is why you got D'ed to begin with, hello ExMrs., you sound like my XW, who had her cake, and everything else, and ate it, too. They do this because they have been backed up so far that they come out both guns blazing. When they notice the unconditional (read pathetic, friend...please clue into that one) love, they will use it to their advantage if they can. Not all, mind you, but read up...you will find it often. We did not want it, they feel guilty...we pay, they play.<P>He's sincere, you are not. Get it? (Go back into your box where I put you.)...what did you say immediately BEFORE that? Whatever it was, she is telling you it was a MAJOR factor, listen to what she is REALLY saying, like your topic states. You can't figure it out because you are attached. Friend...you are divorced, detach from her already...(Me, too, on both counts.)<P>You can fix the R, maybe even get remarried, but don't talk to her about that now. You lessen the chances of success when you do that. He who cares the least, controls the relationship, and that is clearly her right now. Given control, she is going to build her ego on yours, and she can never respect you from that point on. You thought the TEST was before the D? Guess what? The divorce is the test!<P>Plan B...plan B...plan B..you can't plan A after the divorce, in most cases, I think. 'Love Must Be Tough' by Dr. James Dobson, if you want even a glimmer of hope. Also this site has articles that will help you:<BR> -Find out what went wrong...on your own.<BR> -Fix yourself, and be happy. Your terms, not hers.<BR> -Detatch.<BR> -Start to build a new R with XW. This may lead somewhere, or not. Most times, not, however, and to hinge it all on that means certain failure. Yes, the more dedicated you (seem)(are), the less likely you are to succeed. This is because you will jump right back into being needy about it.<P>Take care..you sure took a long time to get here, what's up with that? This not your cup of tea? If so, I understand, but love will make you crazy, brother, you can't argue with that!<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited June 21, 2001).]

Hello...<P>Yes, what W_F_H says is quite true and I especially like the point about the Divorce being THE test, not the stuff leading up to the divorce. I do depart a bit from WFH on one thing,... I believe you can still Plan A - meaning abide by the rules of marriage, resist doing any love busters and can still seek to meet her emotional needs. However, do this NOT with the goal of winning her back... then you're needy and task oriented. Do this with the plan to work on yourself... step outside as WFH says and observe what is really going on and allow the current to flow by you and decide if you want to flow with it.<P>Do NOT give up on your children. This is critical... I think that if you work on Plan A and demonstrate your behavioral changes in the WAY you act towards them, she will definitely take notice.<P>However, I would agree also not to let her string you along with filling those needs that the boyfriend(BF) just doesn't fill. Keep your contact with her to a minimum focusing mainly on the kids... now trying to meet her emotional needs in this kind of arrangement will be tricky but remember... think eternal... divorce is not the end here. You've got the rest of your life to deal with her due to your children... so take one day at a time and make the most of it. Carpe diem my friend!<P>Good that you're evaluating yourself and your priorities and your past reactions, actions to things in your life... it's time for a reassessment and a re-tooling if you deem it necessary. So, you're in the military, you probably take good care of yourself physically, no? If not, do so... if you do, continue and do more... focus on a new thing... try swimming, weights, jogging or something that you don't already do. The endorphins help a lot!<P>Cheers and all the best!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17