Obviously, this is a very, common situation for a lot of people, both male and female, since the last topic got totally filled up. Thought I would begin again, this is something ongoing for a lot of couples. It is also a destrustive problem in a relationship. I find that for me, it is getting too difficult to deal with. I am at the point that my daughters are grown, and I don't think I can stay involved in a partnership where the sex is no longer an important part of my husband's life. It is still a priority for me, and I am a very sexual person. Therefore, I can see how this type of disproportionate sexual need can end up splitting a relationship. It seems to trickle down into every element of our communication. Can anyone else understand what I am saying?

dlara, i too have always be very sexual until recently. i've posted on this subject elsewhere but i want to say more. i recently ended an affair and now my w wants to have sex more often. before the affair we went for over a year w/o doing it and i just thought it to be just the way things were after 26 years of marriage. at the time i had lost interest in sex with her. this was at least in part because she had gained a lot of weight and was no longer attrative to me. at the same time she didn't seem interested in sex with me either. i think because she felt embarressed by her weight. i've always be sensitive about her weight and never knowingly critisized her. anyway, now she wants sex and i'm at at all interested in sex with her. she's trying to lose weight and always has had to battle the weight. i can do it but i'll not be able to finish. that's ok for me, for now. she want me to do it and like it. i can't help how i feel. i think i'm being loving by doing it anyway, but to expect me to like it is not fair to me. i know part of this has to do with my residual redrawal from the affair. i want to have time to maybe grow into the marriage again but she want it to be alright now. i know this is a sensitive subject with many people who are overweight but this problem has two victims. and what will i do if i can't become attracted to her. at this late stage, i'm thinking i and she may just have to live with it and be happy we have so many other things in common. i want to hear your thoughts.

Hey Frankie,<P> I have few thoughts and questions about your post. I totally understand how you are feeling about the attraction issue, especially after a year without sex with your wife. Could and lack of intimacy and another women who has showed interest in you and given you that intimacy, be playing a role here. I also have not had sex with my husband for over a year! He has been trying to deal with repressed stuff from abuse in his past.(that he had no idea of before 2 years ago). I have made a concerted effort(difficult as it has been), not to have an affair yet. I am aware of the confusion that it can cause. I am actually at the point that if my husband wanted to have sex with me, I would not be turned on anymore either. He is not heavy.....It is just like too little, too late..............I am sure that the weight does not help the matter for you, but do you think that is at the top of your priority list? It may very well be, I am just wondering? In addition, you cannot help how you feel.......Have you tried to talk to her about it? In any way? Both of your feelings need to be communicated with one another. <P> You ask what would you do if you cannot "grow into the marriage"......she will have to live with it, what about you? Can you live with that? I think you have to ask yourself that question...........Do you want to live with that? From the little I can read into your situation, sounds like there is a lot more going on for the two of you. Have you ever tried counseling/therapy? as a couple? or individually? I would recommend it for you and your wife. This way you can both be clearer on what is going on for the two of you. Hope you can work on this and get some resolve..........It is not an easy problem with easy answers. Good luck

dlara, thanks for your compassionate response. we did attend joint marriage counsiling many years ago and i guess i learned to be a better person and husband. i learned to sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice at the expense of my important emotional needs. i'm not sure anymore if i've ever loved my w. we get along well and do most things together. we're considerate and supportive. i think i've always thought that i had to make the marriage last. and that's what i've done. but, i don't feel love for her. i know she loves me a lot. just last sunday morning she told me that she was leaving because she knows i don't love her. i'm not effectionate and she knows she deserves more. i explaned that if she left there was no certainty that she would find mr. right. and that's where i am. could i find ms. right? i know i could find plenty of woman to marry but there is always trade offs. if i find the one that loves to have sex with me and i love to have sex with her, she may not be sincere or honest or any number of other things that i wouldn't want to deal with. that's why i think i'll just have to deal with this and concede to an affair, from time to time. but even that is a poor alternative. please let me have your thought to this.

Frankie,<P> I am glad to hear your response back. Just good to hear that you are in the process of a continual thinking and feeling mode. It is not an easy feat to face our realtionships! It is truly difficult (to say the least)! Ok.........I don't have enough info to really let you know my opinion, nor do I know you. From what I have read........It stands out to me....are you guys really into each other? beyond the daily routines? I am hearing otherwise on both sides. The problem is for me.........I don't have enough feedback to give you anything valid back to you. I do feel for you. I also hear you trying to comply with your choice. That is fine, and worthy for you if in fact it is. If not, or you have a question......just let yourself know your truth. You seem to be in touch with yourself at times. I hear you continue to repeat a mantra here. it is "I made my bed therefore" Just want you to know that many humans grow and learn beyond their initial relationships........don't feel guilty for being human!

Frankie.......one more point.......just reread your last post.........I hear a lot of guilt going on for you! I also heard you try to tell your wife a guilt trip kind of thing" who could she find?" That is a bravado kind of sound to me..........You need to decide what you want in life for yourself........ and if it soes not fit the scenerio of what is...........check it out, Frankie...Good luck...tell me how you are doing, OK?

dlara, the complexity of us as individuals and the lives we live are clearly too great to be effectively dealt with on this medium. but still, i enjoy writing about my life and feelings. i believe that, eventhough what's written is only a tiny speck of the whole, at least that speck may be seen a little more clearly. i feel better communicating with you and others about these important issues. i like knowing someone is out there reading my stuff and thinking about me long enough to put their thoughts in writing. so, thanks for that. i didn't intend to come across as, i think you said, bravados, when i told my w that i wasn't sure she could find mr. right. i know she would have her pick of any number of men. but, like me, she must decide if the grass is greener on the other side. that's hard to do when the grass on this side is pretty green. it's not an easy decision when obviously our relationship must have a lot of positives to have lasted 26 years. i think in every relationship, one values the relationship more then the other. a good relationship is one in which both people think they got the better bargain. i wonder how often two people love each other equally. my w has convinced me that she loves me but i haven't convinced her that i love her. i think she is becoming aware of this. i wonder too, in a relationship where the two do not love equally, is it better to be loveed more or to love more. another thing, you wrote, let yourself know yourself. good advice. but that's easier said than done. the old saying, to thein own self be true. if it was somethink we did naturally, we wouldn't need to be told to do it. but, i have a hard time deciding how i feel about certain things because the strong- shoulds, oughts, other pressure to do the right thing and concern for breaking someones heart clouds my ability to make a decision with conviction. i think this board may help me make a dicision but on the other hand, i've been thinking of these things for a long time. your thoughts, please.

frankie, I can realte to a lot of what you are feeling and thinking since I am also going through this "mental torture". It is a very rough decision to make! I also, don't want to hurt my husband, but as time goes on I realize that this is not a dress rehearsal...this is it, and it is up to me to get my life as good as it can get. I have done lots of soul searching and I see a therapist(fortunately)......a very good one. by the way, I wanted to discuss with you about the counselor that you saw withyour wife. sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice? that is totally ridiculous. A quality therapist would never have you consider that! I am actually shocked to hear people are dispensing that bull ****, and acting as a counselor. I have done counseling and NEVER would I consider telling someone that in terms of a relationship! Now I understand your sense of guilt! I also understand the comment about another man.....sorry I misread it........no bravado. I know what you mean about trading one thing for another with another partner. But for me, a definite priority is to be with someone that I can have a hot ongoing sexual realtionship with. Someone I can realte to sexually, in addition to good communication, being open with feelings and thoughts about life, etc. Think I am asking too much? LOL I actually don't..........My husband also told me that I will never find anyone that will take care of me the way he does.......(maybe that is why I assumed your statement was made in the same vain. It was not.........I of course let him know again what I feel is being taken care of. He thinks it is all about making money! I need more than $ to keep me around! I feel much clearer since I have been working in therapy. You are correct in saying it is easier said than done. This is a process and I do recommend that you try to see someone. You must be sure the person is quality.......someone who can help you understand yourself better, and get more clarity. Not someone who is going to tell you the "oughts" and "shoulds"!!! That is not what you need now! No way! Also, you may want to read a book that I just read. "Too good to leave......Too bad to stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I assume that this is going on for you, but my mind goes back and forth over everything! This is a trip to have to deal with.....but once the denial was over, and I started to really look....it is hard to go back, you know? I also appreciate your input. You are not in an easy place now. I know and understand......

Once again guys I will have to say. If the other spouse says "You can find no one to treat you and take care of you the way I do" and they say they love you, then why don't they try to find the reason and make any effort to over come the fact that they want no real intimacy with you.<P>Such as my case.<P>didi

Didi,<P>You get the same comments from your spouse I take it? And there is no change in behavior? How long has this been going on? It is a rough issue to face and deal with. It effects everything in a realtionship. takes away all of the special goodies!

double post removed<p>[This message has been edited by Alice (edited April 25, 1999).]

dlara,<BR>We have been married for 3 years. It has been going on for most of that time. Once in a while he is able to overcome whatever it is for a while but the any kind of even slight argument will put him into a backslide and takes months to get it back. I have heard every excuse there can be. Also he is very affectionate and gushy. Read some of my other posts and you will learn more. Otherwise the relationship is mostly pretty wonderful. The fact that he can get it together once in a while is very confusing. I will look for the book you suggested " To good to leave-too bad to stay. <P>didi

Didi,<P> Did either of you ever go to counseling for this or anything else in your realtionship? I know you said to read your other posts, which I will do........I am just wondering if he is bothered by his lack of desire, and would like to discover why that is............Might be an idea......

We were in counseling early on. During those times he would constantly say he wasn't physically attracted to me. But it never really seemed to be that to me. Because he wanted to be by my side constantly and at night wrapped tightly around me etc....and I always call it kissy pooey. My counselor described it as more a puppy love instead of a mature thing..<P>He said we were going to counseling so that I could understand.............I never understood.<P>Also, we should have been going to sexual counseling from the beginning. We messed around with 3 0r 4 counselors who were pretty good as counseling goes but would pussyfoot around the sex subject..and now he is burned out on counseling and would probably not go anymore.<P>Does he feel bothered by it. NO! Does not seem to bother him one bit. He would never approach me. Once in a while it will just happen if my timing is PERFECT!! but nothing on his part. Another funny things when it happens he seems fine with it and kisses, kisses, kisses me afterwards. Believe me it is just wierd. Nowadays that is the worst part for me just not knowing what it is. I don't really feel anything for him now, just going thru the motions day by day. Once in a while I will feel amourous when I see him in a certain way. But mostly I just brush the feeling off in a 'what's the use' way.<P>didi

Didi,<P>I feel for you......that sucks! It really does. I know how you feel, and it is a lonely and frustrating place to be! You are right, the feelings sort of die without the physical imtimacy going on. Start to become apathetic and shut down. I am fighting not to shur down. I am not going to reamin in a situation like this forever....It is not healthy!

dlara<BR>I agree. But I feel kinda trapped. I don't see how but he thinks everything is pretty much a ok. Guess I am to congealing. and don't really show my true feelings.<BR>didi<P>ps. What is your ages and how long have you been married.?? We are early 50's and have been married 3 years. We are both energetic, have good jobs, are outgoing attractive people. It really could be so good.

didi,<P> We are also in our early 50's......coincidence, don't you think?<BR>But we have been married for 30 years!!! wOW, a lifetime! I am 51 my husband is 54. is this your second marriage? This is obviously my first marriage. It is a trip, life and relationships!

i'm going to jump in here. what a coincidence. i too am 51 and my w is 50. what is going on here? and everyone thinks people of our age should have things figured out. looks like we're not much wiser or more knowledgable or have our lives together any better than a typical teenager.

Hey frankie.....jump in anytime! LOL! That is too funny....we are all the same age and don't know what to do!!! Have to keep my sense of humor, right?

just goes to show how deceiving this board can be. i was thinking you all were in your 30(s) and possible 40(s). i think it must have been the way you were describing problems, situations, and how you were dealing with them. it just read like something younger people should be dealing with. just think, that are 1000s of people out there with the same problems. people of all ages or classes. they don't even know about this board. there must be many right here in this building and in the town houses on my street. many people are still in such denial they can't even read or write abouit it. i know because i hear so many guys complainnig about, "not getting any" from their wife, or onlyl once in a while. and that's just what they're willing to share. i wonder if this marriage thing is as good as we've come to think.