How long have some of you waited before divorcing and moving on???<P>Everyone keeps telling me to give it six months, but I have already GIVEN it almost 5!!! I found about one in Jan and finally pushed him into telling me about the rest in March (all in the past- 8 or 9 people over 5 years 3 at once during 2000 and last one supposedly ended in July of 2000)<P>We have moved- my state laws require that I am a resident here for 6 months before I can file- I didn't want to file in our old state, because I knew we were moving- but I think that was a mistake because instead of being one month away from a final- I am just getting started!!!! AAUUGGHHH- so I guess I have to wait 6 months anyway- but I'm wondering-<P>How long before you start to move on in EVERY aspect- not just waiting for the little paper to make it final!!<P>Do you wait to date? Did you wait to move out/have spouse move out? Arrangements for the kids? I could use some advice because this is my first and hopefully last divorce..<BR>The marriage was over for me the minute he said- "Yes, I did have a relationship..blah blah blah" and OBVIOUSLY the marriage was over for him 5 years ago when he started his fun....so what do I do now???<P>I guess I'm just tired of waiting- by the time I can actually GET ON WITH MY LIFE from the legal stand point, it will have been a whole year!!!!<P>What have some of you done?<P>Thanks<BR>TLFM<BR>ps- we have three kids- and I have been taking things slowly for them also- they know about it all (except the three year old), and I'm trying to help them move forward too- but honestly- I think as long it is taking legally- is actually HURTING? I don't know?? any advice?

What's your definition of moving on?<P>First, the priorities are your kids, until they are adjusted to the divorce and understand the seriousness of it, and have gotten over the hurt, really, its not in the best interests of dating. In fact, there are so many reason NOT to date, that moving on means learning and accepting that you can be a successful mom, and that you are happy living byyourself, and not for anyone else.<P>So what do YOU mean by moving on?<P>WIFTTy

I only have one child and by the effects the divorce has had on her plus the way she's reacted to the OM and not to mention my own frame of mind, moving on, i.e. dating and such is not a option for me right now, it's been 18 months since she left and five since the divorce was final. I think my priorities right now are my daughter and getting comfortable on my own before I can even tackle the thought of another relationship. The loneliness is the hardest part to deal with but at least my daughter has my complete and undivided attention while she's with me and I know that's what she needs to help her adjust since she's not receiving it from her mother. Guess the decision is up to you to make on whether or not you're ready to "move on". Good luck.<BR>

Some of you have heard me say this but I've been told (DivorceCare group) that for every four years you were married it takes one year to heal emotionally, spiritually, mentally and whatever else... <P>You sound antsy... that's fine, we all go through that. Just focus on bettering yourself now not freeing yourself from you stbx-husband. So, also remember that in your pain, the kids love their Dad so very much (I'm assuming). So, try to lay aside your bitterness for their emotional and spiritual health and development. The time will come when you feel ready to move on... in the mean time, start with yourself. Don't look at him nor anyone else (including potential dates... I am preaching to myself here also).<P>Do things you haven't been able to do, haven't really had the time to do... explore life, love others, bless and cuddle with your kids and enjoy yourself! You will be much happier if you do!<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Too Late For Me?:<BR><B>How long have some of you waited before divorcing and moving on???<P>Do you wait to date? Did you wait to move out/have spouse move out? Arrangements for the kids? ...so what do I do now???<P>I think as long it is taking legally- is actually HURTING? I don't know?? any advice?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We were separated for just over 4 months when my stbxH (the ws) filed. I don't want the divorce.<P>Dating? Don't get me started. H took our daughter out with the OW. Our daughter knows and likes the OW as a friend; but she does NOT like her Daddy messing around with the OW. <P>It's just a messy business all the way around. Litle bit was coming to me with odd comments and leting things slep during her creative play (she's 3). A few questions and playing revealied that H and OW were holding hands, kissing, and 'touching' in front of our daughter.<P>It also strained relations between me and stbxH, to the negative for our daughter. I tried to get H to enact the Policy of Joint Agreement specifically where our daughter was concerned. He refused, and has been refusing. I asked him to not take our daughter around OW. He refused. Finally, one day I just blew up and I almost hit him over the issue. He promised to comply after that.<P>After that, he began telling our daughter to keep it secret whenever she saw the OW. He's been teaching our daughter to lie and tell/keep secrets.<P>After filing, we got temporary orders to govern our relationship during the interum. Good thing too, I've had to lean on the orders whenever he's gotten belligerent again, which is too often (latest issue, he wanted to change daughter's daycare for one month). The temp. orders also lay out child support and visitation rules, and prevent him from taking daughter around the OW.<P>In short, use the time to find out about the rules in the state that you are currently living. You may be able to file for a formal separation, but not divorce (yet). That would lay down some rules, which could help you with the problems that you are currently having.<P>~Amy

When do you know its over? I think it depends on the person you are.. How much hope you have, and how much you are willing to put into it to try and save it. Each and every person of different. <P>Do you wait to date? I would say YES.. I started dating about 3-4 months after seperation. I stopped it after about onee month. I felt/Knew it didn't feel right. Don't get me wrong here.. IT felt good to get it started as it was kind of a reafirmation of the me that was and could be.. The problem was as time went on I realized it was right for the other person. Its now been a year since I've dated anyone. Yes I do go out and party, Flirt big time, and basiclly just go play to meet new people. When my divorce is finally final I still don't plan to date for a while. You need time to detox for the bad..<P>Just remember You gotta be you.. People will see trough your problems in a heart beat. Somebody will ask you a question and there will be a hint of anger in your voice. That will tip them off the the fact you aren't over him/her.<P>Personally, I have an objective. I will meet 3 new people a week. I will know thier name and what they do for a living. It makes me get out and meet people. It makes me better aware of what and how I sound to other people. This has been good one for me. I meet so new people.. ;-)<P>Tex.

You have got to be Friggin kiddin me, OvrCs!!!<P>I have been with my H for 20 years, so I have to wait 5 years to HEAL??? Jeeeez! I'm not tryin to complain here, but, I have been going thru this "hell" off/on thru my entire marriage!<P>Since D day (THIS TIME) it has been 2 years, and I am just now recently D. So now I have to wait 5 additional years to be emotionally healed and well. O..M..G!!! <P>Don't get me wrong, I want to be better than okay. I am working on me, I am trying my best. I know you don't know my story, but believe me when I say it was very severe. And now I hear it will be 5 years before I can finally feel like a whole person .... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!<P>Just shoot me now! LOL!<P>Jo <p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited June 25, 2001).]

I think it's oversimplifiying a bit to make a blanket statement and say it takes "X-amount" of time to heal. That span will be different for everyone depending on how well they deal with emotional upheaval, the length of time that the marriage had been in decline and how ugly and messy the split itself is.<BR>In my case, I'm coming along pretty quickly and I'm in month 8 of all this. But then this is far from the worst emotional loss I've had in my life, my stbx and I are dealing with each other civilly and I've made a decision to not allow the break up to take away any more of my life. Wallowing in self pity and yearning for things I can never have back took away 5 months of my life, that's all that he gets. <BR>Healing is different for everyone and everyone has to make their own determination of when to proceed. You'll know instinctively when the right time is.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Too Late For Me?:<BR><B>How long have some of you waited before divorcing and moving on???<P>Everyone keeps telling me to give it six months, but I have already GIVEN it almost 5!!! I found about one in Jan and finally pushed him into telling me about the rest in March (all in the past- 8 or 9 people over 5 years 3 at once during 2000 and last one supposedly ended in July of 2000)<P>We have moved- my state laws require that I am a resident here for 6 months before I can file- I didn't want to file in our old state, because I knew we were moving- but I think that was a mistake because instead of being one month away from a final- I am just getting started!!!! AAUUGGHHH- so I guess I have to wait 6 months anyway- but I'm wondering-</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We're telling you to wait six months to make a decision because it won't do you any <I>good</I> to make a decision before then. State law prevents you from <I>acting</I> on a decision to divorce until after six months, so you may as well keep an open mind about it for that long at least. Just waiting impatiently for that interval to expire isn't going to make you feel any better about yourself or your situation. So don't waste your time and energy thinking about divorce; concentrate on doing what you <I>can</I> do right now!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>How long before you start to move on in EVERY aspect- not just waiting for the little paper to make it final!!<P>Do you wait to date? Did you wait to move out/have spouse move out? Arrangements for the kids? I could use some advice because this is my first and hopefully last divorce..<BR>The marriage was over for me the minute he said- "Yes, I did have a relationship..blah blah blah" and OBVIOUSLY the marriage was over for him 5 years ago when he started his fun....so what do I do now???<P>I guess I'm just tired of waiting- by the time I can actually GET ON WITH MY LIFE from the legal stand point, it will have been a whole year!!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't really understand the question here. How long before you start to move on? You start to move on <I>right now</I>! Not in every aspect of your life, no, but so what? As long as you can do <I>something</I>, why worry about not being able to do <I>everything</I>? You can't do everything all at once anyway.<P>That "little paper" won't make <I>anything</I> final, especially not with children involved. That "little paper" is actually pretty meaningless where your relationship and your feelings are concerned. It only defines legal and financial rights and responsibilities.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OvrCs:<BR><B>Some of you have heard me say this but I've been told (DivorceCare group) that for every four years you were married it takes one year to heal emotionally, spiritually, mentally and whatever else...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Are you sure you don't have that backwards? Are you sure it isn't that for every year you were married it takes four years to heal?<P>I'd put a little winky-face icon on there, if I weren't so ****** serious... <BR>

Jo!!!!<P>You are too funny!!! Well, I agree with you, 5 yrs is a long time to wait....<P>I think the main thing to remember is that it takes ALL of us a while to sort out the feelings, the figure out our contributions to the failure of our marriages, to grow within ourselves as well. <P>Some people are able to do this on a shorter time frame than others. There are some who may take all those years to be able to have another meaningful relationship.Some people may choose never to try again, for reasons only they know. <P>For me, even though I am seeing one person now, I still go through periods of growth. But, for me, I enjoy this persons' company, he has been a good friend through this rough time in my life, and he knows I still have some issues to work out for myself. <P>The whole experience is one that I am not sure we EVER completely "get over". But taking care of yourself and exploring YOU is the most important. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Thanks guys!!!<P>I'm not really rushing into anything head first right now....It actually feels nice to just be able to relax and breathe and be a little SELFISH "What? You mean I really AM a person?" hehehehe<P>I just feel like 6-10 months is SOOO LONG from now!! It is awkward- like- how do I introduce myself when I am around him? Or- when I talk about him to someone else is he my husband, ex husband or "soon to be ex husband"(which is quite a mouthful and then seems awkward like it requires an explanation)???? AAUUGGHHH!!<P>These past 6 years of major relationship decline have taken such a toll on me, and quite honestly, the kids too (my one son even said "wow mom- no wonder dad was always mad- and we thought it was US")- it is nice to focus on myself and on them, and I really don't want to factor anyone else into the equation right now.<P>Also, With it taking this long though- what if he decides he doesn't want it to be friendly anymore (gulp)-<P>I also actually DO have a couple of men interested in taking me to lunch, etc., but i feel so wierd!!!! How could I even do that- wouldn't that make me a cheater too? Wouldn't the kids be confused? It might jeopardize the friendliness that we are experiencing? I've been with this man for ten years (since I was 19)- how would I even date again anyway? Do you compare the new people with your spouse? VERY WIERD!!!<P>I just don't know....It is nice to have some validation from men about my looks, company, etc.- but oh my- I am SO NOT READY yet for another relationship...not even with him (which is what he wants)<P>HEHEHE- I'm just feeling a little selfish here is all- cause I really don't have anything to offer anyone yet but some baggage (ick) and I have some things I want to do for ME and my babies first, ya know?<P>Everything is just doubly hard and confusing because he decided to love me??<P>I was just wondering when people decided to move on-<P>Thanks to everyone for your responses!<P>TLFM<BR>