First, for those of you who don't know, my story in a nutshell. <P>I discovered Marriage Builder's in Nov. 98 when I suspected my husband was having an emotional affair with a woman he meet on the internet. When that relationship culminated in a physical affair in March 1999, he pledged to cut off all contact and we got off the internet.<P>In January 2000, we got back on the internet, and almost immediately, his behavior returned to that of the days of the 'emotional' affairs. In May 2000 I left. <P>Now, for my question. He has not pursued the divorce. It has been me. I have wanted to become financially independent of him because of many poor decisions he makes over which I have no control. He has said all along that he wants to work it out. So I gave him a few things I wanted him to do in order to get back together. He has not done any of these things. He does not like ultimatums he says. He says that he does not like my attitude of controlling him.<P>Three things I asked of him:<BR> 1) Make a male Christian (church-going!!) friend<BR> 2) Go to church (his choice) 10 weeks IN A ROW -- same<BR> church each week<BR> 3) Go to counseling -- his choice of counselors. He <BR> was to go 3 times alone to show his commitment before<BR> I joined him.<P>Let me say that he claims his Christian faith, otherwise I would not have asked those things of him. Also, we went together to a counselor in January. After the first session, he told me he did not want to work on the marriage because I was not enthusiastic enough about it. I went to the counselor 3 more times on my own. The counselor basically told me that I did not need him. But that all I needed was to stick to my guns with my husband and to talk to friends who would not judge me (like you guys here! ) but just listen.<P>Now here is my question. My divorce could be final as soon as July 2. Since I have had to hold my ground on child support and other issues, he has started treating me with more respect. He is now saying he wants to work on the marriage. He has promised to go to counseling. So what do I do? Do I believe in this?<P>Just when I think I am really over him, and over the end of the marriage, something like this happens again, and I wonder. Mostly because I know that the best person to help me raise my kids is THEIR FATHER. But only if we can have a committed relationship.

I would say, I agree with the counselor and stick to your guns. I don't think you asked to much of him. <P>It takes more than saying you are a christian to be one, I think need to act like one to be one.. <P>My .02$<BR>Tex.<P>

Nora,<P>You are not asking anything of your H that is out of line. All of your requests are conducive to helping restore your marriage to a loving relationship.<P>I can understand your mistrust. However, if your H says he is willing to do these things, perhaps it was the "near miss" of losing you via divorce that made him realize how much he does love you. My opinion is to give him another chance. Divorce brings yet another set of problems, you know. For some of us, there was no other option, because our former spouses never wanted to come back to the marriage. If your H is sincere, you CAN rebuild a better marriage. If he is not sincere, a little more time will bear that truth. Then, if it goes south, you can always file for divorce at a later date.<P>God bless and good luck!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Can you visualize what you want? What would it look like?<P>Your last comment that he is the best father for your kids it right on. But only in a happy and healthy environment.<P>If your husband did those things listed would it have made a difference? Love is patient and love is kind, but love doesn't make demands or threats. What is your husband like? What were the top 3 things you enjoyed doing together?<P>I wish you the best. Whatever you decide, be happy! Whatever you decide, pour all your heart, soul, and energy into it. If you do that, good things will happen.<P>You are in control of you, your future, and your kids future.<P>I was married for over 10 years before I realized that I'm in charge of my live and that I need to grow up and be happy with me. I can't change others, but I can hope to make a difference by others seeing a change in me.<P>Love is unconditional! I have never heard anyone say that love is easy. Love is an action that takes hard work and dedication to keep the love alive and growing. This applies to any loving relationship, not just marriage!<P>Live life with passion and a purpose.

1 Corinthians, Chapter 13. KJV uses the word charity, but the word is usually love.<BR>You are both putting expectations in the mix, and it is the agape love you lack. If you base success on seeing that, you will fail. You are both called by God to produce that love NOW. You expect this, he perceives that...these are selfish motives, and your counselor is NOT helping by having you concentrate on YOU here. It is not fundamentally bad to do that, but we are talking about (as Dr. Harley points out) a relationship that is, by its very nature, codependent. That is not a bad thing, after all, you are that rib that completes him, aren't you?<P>Forgive me, but you seem to be demanding a response from him that he is not producing....because you demand it so. I insisted that my XW respect me, which she promptly decided that she would never do that again. Time is changing that, but I did that damage, and I regret it. My pride is my foe, when I have it (hubris), and when I don't (self-loathing). I now realize that pride is a false emotion, it is something others have in you, not you in yourself.<P>Do not justify staying for the children, you must get comfortable with staying for you two, and the institution. You BOTH have to die to the marriage, become one flesh as a result. You are both trying to get 'your end' out of it, and that is an impasse. It won't happen that way.<P>Go to <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org," TARGET=_blank>http://www.restorem.org,</A> and get a couples workbook set, and work it out the way God intends...by working you on you, him on him. Counselors at this point tend to emphasize individual needs over the needs of the marriage. This leads straight away to divorce, which, make no mistake about it, God abhors. If either one of you can't recommit (or at least try for a while), then divorce, and move on. No one needs the pain and suffering. If, on the other hand, the promise of a wonderful marriage still holds promise, then pursue it with a loving vengence.<P>Take care, and be strong for the marriage. I am praying for you. God bless you.

NoraP, I don't think I know enough about your situation to give reliable advice, but I'm inclined to think you should go ahead with the divorce. One of your primary concerns has to be financial protection for your children, and the one good thing about divorce is its ability to disentangle finances in situations where financial irresponsibility is a concern.<P>All your husband can offer right now are promises, and in the past his promises have proven to be empty. If he is to gain your trust, he has to demonstrate follow-through. That will take time.<P>It would be nice if you could give your husband another chance, and if he proved himself worthy of the opportunity. But you don't have to stay married in order to give him that chance, and you can always re-marry.<BR>