<BR>My wife and I have been separated for 6 months.After 23 years together and a 15 year old daughter she moved out after having an affair(which ended before she moved out).<BR>I,ve always been faithful to her. She has resentments and complaints about noney issues and thinking that I have'nt been "understanding" enough about her health problems(fibromyaligia) and depression etc. I feel I've been exceedingly patient , helpful,caring and understanding of her situation in the face of critcism,unappreciation and dishonesty on her part.<P>I helped her move into her place, and have been on good terms with her, helping her out with many things.<BR>I hoped we could give it time to work things out<BR>(staying faithful to each other) as we initially discussed.<P>Now she tells me she is going to be "dating" some guy she met at a chronic pain support group, and she wants to "move on" with her life (i.e. divorce) <P>Our daughter lives with me.And so my wife and I must have frequent contact on practical matters.<P>I wrote her a long letter explaining how I feel and that I'd like to get back together on a healthier basis and re-establish trust, but she has to want to make it work too.<P>Now I'm trying to figure out how to structure our present interaction.I care about her but she'd have to stop dating others, and re-establish commitment to each other, to make anything work.<BR>Dr. Harleys "plan B" does not seem to apply to my situation.<BR>She has alot of problems and shutting of all contact with her wouldn't work with our daughter and is not the kind of person I want to be, nor is it the kind of uncommunicative relationship I would want between us after divorce if it does come to that.(we still have a daughter who loves us both and wants us to get along).<P>I miss the intimacy, but I don't want to jump right into another relationship, like she has.<BR>I want to show a decent example to my daughter. This whole thing stinks. Things are in limbo and this is unfamiliar territory for me. Any advice or info. will be appreciated.<P>Thanks, <P>JDH

JDH,<BR>Sorry man, I feel your pain. Been there done that and still doing that. NO....damn straight it's not fair. We are the ones that have to deal with the pain of loss and abandonment while they move along with there lives. I chose to do the plan B but I don't think it applied in my situation either since we have a daughter as well. I don't know how you'll be able to keep a good line of communication open with your wife but coming from a person whose having practically no open communication with my ex, I'd have to say that being on some sort of good terms is definately better than getting nothing but the cold shoulder, it makes dealing with issues about my daughter extremely difficult. Best of luck and lets hope your wife will have your daughter's best interests in mind. Jax

My situation, now with divorce final, was similar. I think you have to expect quite literally <I>anything</I> from your wife. She's probably working through some pretty intense emotions, particularly guilt. Does that mean she'll treat you and your daughter nicely to ease her guilt? I have been shocked in our case how she has dealt with this situation, Hatred, spite, incredibly disrespectful comments.<P>Putting your daughter first? In my case, the worst was when she broke two major promises to our daughter in one day. Why? To be with her boyfriend. I don't see how I could have lived with myself doing that. How did she apologize. After explaining to her how she had disappointed both of us, she finally yelled an apology to me. She then promised to keep her promises. Well, she did, by promising our daughter the next day that <I>I</I> would pick her up early.<P>Will you experience this? Don't know. Should you expect it? Yup, and anything else you can think of.<P>How to deal with it? I think the key is to make sure you're always doing things you won't feel ashamed of. This is very, very hard, and often thought I was, and wasn't.<P>Were I to do this again, I would always be respectful of my ex, no matter how disrespectfully she treats me. I would never tell her what I think is going on or analyze her openly. She's dead, and I'm now dealing with a stranger who is unfortunately the mother of my daughter.<P>I feel even now with the divorce final, my dating someone would more likely than not be dangerous to that person because I feel I'm not completely recovered. I'm still sometimes disrespectful to my ex. Only once I feel I can confidently deal with my ex intelligently do I feel I won't make someone else a victim of this divorce.

Plan B doesn't mean that you cut off all contact with the XW. It does mean that you are no longer making any effort to connect with them on an emotional level. The parenting issues can be handled ... in a businesslike fashion. <P>A spouse who has a chronic condition ... can be a very difficult spouse to live with. They take more out of you than you realize. If you've underearned, is it any wonder? It's impossible to always have your ministrations and expectations constantly match what they want/need and what they are capable of. If that becomes a <I>fault</I> of yours in their eyes ... the strain produced is obvious. <P>The old <I>Games People Play</I> book listed as one of its games the husband who speaks of desperately loving his wife, but really doesn't want her and has in fact driven her away by one means or another. I'm not sure how much credence to put in that. I'll just say that after my psoriatic/arthritic wife left, I discovered a deep wellspring of anger against her for various things (mainly that she left, though), and have only avoided shattering her career as revenge ... through frequently talking myself out of it.

You've GOT to watch yourself with attempting to justify pursuit, especially this sort of push you-pull me stuff. Your mind is quite adept at justifying the wrong course of action. Its easy to detect. You will come to the conclusion that 'this is best for all', 'that does not apply to us', etc. Well, it does! Plan B is the ONLY plan at his point. Your ruminations to the contrary will not serve you well. You are insisting that she return to a monogamous relationship right now, and THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Plan B, and wait and see. Do you think that the 50% that fail did anything too different? No, they did not, and they are DONE. YES, FRIEND IT IS OVER. I'm sorry, but it is. The question is, can it ever be restored? The answer is ALWAYS yes in these cases, but YOU HAVE TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN. It takes time, and you need to realize that. It takes detatchment (for your sanity, and to help you see things clearly.), and that is the real test...do you love her enough to let her go? Then that's what you do. The letter is just more pursuit. Its okay to write and thank her, and let her go...the reconciliation talk is not good...its pursuit all over again.<P>Take care and be strong. You need to express your love to her in actions, not words. Do not think/speak ill of your wife, that is not healthy in any case. How much do you know about your wife's condition? Become an expert. Find out new research, and tell her about it. Show concern, not neediness. I'd plan B anyway...quit justifying your weaker (and totally ineffective, unless you count how it moves you away from your goal.) responses.<P>This is a rough situation, I'm in it, too, but I want it to work as much as you do, so I am really taking a hard view of my side of it, and not EVEN thinking of hers. I recommend that you do the same. If, on the other hand, you think that what you are doing is working, tell me more...