i've also posted this under general questions in the infidelity section but many think it's more appropriate to post in this area instead so here goes.<P>new to this board and would like some insight. my h has been with the ow for nine months. he moved in with her soon after the affair started. during this whole time, he's told me the whole spectrum of lines cheating spouses spew off - from i don't love you anymore, there's no passion between us to i never stopped loving you, i don't want a divorce, you make me feel whole. i don't know what to believe and don't understand how h can say the total opposite things. lately all i've heard from him is that he does love me but is confused. he's scared that if he comes back, he may end up in the same situation as before and be unhappy. he needs time. but while he's in this state, he continues being with the ow. <BR>he doesn't want to move his things out of the house (he only has his clothes at the ow's place), our finances are still together and he gives me all his paychecks, he's been telling me that he is trying to work his way back home but is not at the point where he can leave the ow. he does not want a divorce at all, will not sign anything and does not have a lawyer. i've filed for divorce and will give him the settlement to sign within days. upon signing the settlement our divorce would be final so it's really close to being over with us. <P>anyway, we have 2 kids and have been together for 10 years, (7 years married and 3 years dating). this is the first time he's strayed from the relationship. if anyone can make sense out of all this, please pass on that wisdom to me. does he really not want this divorce because he honestly thinks he'll come back? on my end, i just don't think there's any hope. i can't hang on and stay in this state of limbo. it's not fair to the kids or me. <P>

The thing I've noticed most about our wayward spouses is that they often stop behaving like adults. They often say contradictory things. They are often in extreme (and I do mean <I>extreme</I>) denial.<P>From your description, he sounds quite confused about what to do, and either guilt or uncertainty or both are driving him. This is an opportunity for you to use Plan A described at this site. But...carefully. I realize now that wayward spouses are time bombs, and very little, very very little, can set them one way or the other. It will often feel that he can get away with anything while you will be punished for being a saint.<P>This board is good for venting, as many of us have done. A good counselor is another good forum for getting rid of that frustration and to put you back on track if you lose the way.<P>Be great to your kids, and be great to yourself. Regardless of how this turns out, it's a temporary situation. You will learn so much about yourself.<P>Be respectful for your husband. He might very well come to you for emotional help. If that happens, listen as if he's not your husband, but a close confused friend.<P>Feel free to ask every little question you have, or vent all you want.