My wife and I have seperated and she wants divorce after 1 year. I dont. That is not the point. While we are apart I am trying to take care of the financial mess we have, but she is not taking care of her obligations. She said she has no money, but when I transferred money to cover insurance on the vehicles, her account is a 1200. All I need her to do is mail a 100 bill. When I told her that I could get the money, she emailed back that she would take care of it today. What? Before she moved out, I sensed that something was up. I asked her and she said "I have no plans of leaving you." I just recently asked her if she was seeing someone and if she was going to date during the seperation. She said "I am trying to get through what has happened. I HAVE NO PLANS to date. The would be way too much for me." I am again skeptical. I can live without her, but I dont want to. We have three kids that deserve better. We have done this before, but rushed right back into the relationship (3 months) without counseling and such. Could she be lying AGAIN? She was so loving and supportive before she left. I came home one afternoon and everything was gone. Why all of the support and all of the "We will be alright" "Everything is fine". Then BAM, gone. She treats me like the plague. I have resolved to leave her alone...but when I ask about the bills getting paid (they will dock my pay), I get the run-around. Any ideas? Should I believe her? Man, this is a pain in the rump!<BR>thanks

Sorry, RobC, I don't know what to think about your situation. There's not enough information to go on, and there are many different things that could be going on with your wife.<P>My wife deserted me in much the way you describe. She was loving and supportive until I came home from work one evening to find the movers had been there, and my wife would no longer talk to me.<P>But despite a great deal of commonality in the experience of marital betrayal (for both the betrayed and the betrayer), analysis and prediction of the thought processes of the betrayer is non-trivial. The devil is in the details. I went through dozens of books and articles before I was able to find a description and explanation of a pattern that fully matched my own experience, and while my wife's subsequent actions have continued to match the pattern as well as if she were following a script, I still manage to be surprised.<P>I really don't know what kind of advice to give you. If you've got the opportunity to practice Plan A, then do so. If not, pray. And do what you need to do to protect yourself. You may need to make your own arrangements with your joint creditors, instead of just depending on your wife to be take responsibility.<BR>

Thanks Gnome,<BR>I guess the devil IS in the details. She wont talk about anything. Had some bill due asap, one of which would have resulted in the IRS levying MY paycheck when she is supposed to pay the back taxes. So trying to be nice, I call and get them to put it on an installment agreement and she quipped back, I could have done it without them charging $24 to reinstate the agreement. Well, I told her (per IRS) not so and they were going to take a significant chunk of MY pay next week had I not called. What the hell is wrong with her. I have kept my obligations to the letter and even transferred the auto insurance dollars this morning. I have kept up my end, but she wants me to deal with her dad instead of her. What a load of crap. My parts are supporting me, but only through advice and prayer. My folks, said "your mess, you fix it". Not being mean, but trying to allow me to restore some of my character. She treats me like the plague and anytime I try and get something done its "Talk to my Daddy, I am getting upset". Well, damn, SHE walked out, not her FRIGGIN dad! I have tried to leave her alone, but she doesnt hesitate to demand her support payment when it is due. Hell, I am in arrears (spelling?) because she wiped out the damn accounts when she left. Hell, I think she is going on a cruise next week. I am so ticked off right now. Should I demand that she stand up and handle this herself. I am sick of dealing with DADDY! This is so bizarre. Any help, any one! I have hurt her and she has hurt me. I know we DO need to be apart for a while before thinking of reconciling, but damn, the creditors are breathing down my neck. I took 75% of the bills plus any past dues to try and help. She wants me to pay 1200/month in child support AND keep her on my excellent health insurance plan even AFTER we divorce. She wants that in the sep agreement. I told her I would as long as legally possible, but that I would not agree in any legal docs to anything beyond 1 year. She wants everything and is doing NOTHING. I am fed up with this. I want her to be happy and heal, but shouldnt she be helping get this stuff done! I want it behind me, but I am getting nothing from her.<P>Thanks,<BR>

If your wife behaves irresponsibly and then gets on your case for protecting yourself, try not to let it bother you. It's <I>her</I> problem if she's upset, not yours.<P>Forget fairness. Fairness is a myth. How hard is it to deal with "daddy"? If it's easier than dealing with a lawyer, then I'd suggest that you swallow your pride and deal with him. I don't see how insisting that your wife deal with you directly is going to do anyone any good.<P>Behave with dignity and honor, so that you can respect <I>yourself</I>. If you can't respect yourself, it won't matter if anyone else respects you. And if you <I>can</I> respect yourself, you really don't <I>need</I> anyone else's respect.<P>As for your wife, well, wanting all of the privileges with none of the responsibilities is classic narcissistic "fog". Unfortunately, no-fault divorce laws and apathetic courts enable this attitude.<BR>

Thanks,<BR>You are right. I had lost all respect for myself. That was part of the problem. I am just trying to do what is right and true. I had a real problem with that before so I guess I kind of understand her point to an extent. However, I will take your advice and I have decided to deal with her dad. He is out of town and per our previous conversations (she and the kids are living with them) he said that he would not tolerate her not keeping her end of the bargins. However, until a document is signed, I will take care of all things that are legally binding in my name (my dads advice). It is just so irritating. I feel as if I am the one who should be sulking, but I am not. I am trying to get things taken care of. I do owe her that. She did wake me up to some things by leaving. I have been seeing a psych for 9 months on some childhood issues and possible manic depression (this is probably not the case he said). Plus when she left, I had no desire to drink or anything. I feel so alive. I feel like I have a purpose in life now. Its really weird. I miss her, but the more she acts this way the more I dont! Strange huh? Anyway, I will admit I did a lot of wrong. We both did, but what good is sitting by and doing nothing going to help. I guess she is just worn out from the marriage.

Hello All,<BR>Nothing more fun than jumping into the front of the line! HEHE. Anyway, I am really feeling better. Wife and I have finalized a separation agreement. I basically have turned everything over to God. That is, what happens happens. I will continue to fight for my wife and family, but not in the conventional manner. I am using this time to fix me. Man, I was messed up. We both were. Perhaps some time apart will do us good. I have have lost 10lbs. I have been working out and man do I feel fantastic (I still ache for her), however, I still have my moments of doubt and tremendous pain. I have been one who always focused on the past and that was to my detriment. Things have gone well, however, she doesnt want me to call her, but she has called me several times to work on things concerning the kids. It is a bit confusing, but I am resolved to let her have her space and get herself squared away. She said she doesnt want to deal with any correspondence between us at this point however she hasnt said "its over, we are finished". She did say that if she had to decide today it would be. Things have been really tough on us. So much so, I dont think we could really work on ourselves or our marriages. I am in the process of dedicating every minute possible to bettering myself and getting rid of debts (her biggest issue in the marriage). Perhaps she is hoping to see if I will change over this time apart. I told either way I would and I thanked her for leaving and giving me the proverbial "slap in the face". I dont think I would have lasted much longer literally. I was so very messed up. I have gone OFF of the anti-depressants and I feel wonderful. I truly want to live life and enjoy it. It is kind of strange. I got down on my knees and balled my eyes out before God for the path I had chosen in life. I had taken over the drivers seat and pushed God out. Man, what a HUGE mistake. My Commanding Officer had a saying that I think is so valid:<BR>"Good Judgement comes from experience, Experience comes from Bad Judgement"<BR>It is so very true. Anyway, I am trudging along, but not alone. I know rough spots will come, but for the first time in a long while, I really do believe that God is there for me. He always has been, I just never acknowledged it or tapped into His power.<BR>I am praying for each of you.<P>RobC