D asked me to take her and her friends swimming today and they would get a ride home. I said I could bring home but not take because of work.<P>I then overheard D calling x and asking if she was working and of course x said yes she was. Then D asked if om/h could take her .<P>I didn't hear the answer but when I asked D later if she had made arrangements for swimming she said no.<P>It hurt really bad that she would ask om/h(stepfather, eecch), but I guess she has accepted it and she wanted a ride. It disappoints me that she doesn't realize how that make me feel.<P>I want her to hate her mother and om/h/sf, but I know that is not right. I guess it is another bite of c*%p sandwich that a divorce is.

I know this hurts. My son asks to borrow the OW car all the time. So I have to have her car here....though I told him to park it on the street NOT in my driveway.<P>I have a great friend that tells me to look at it from a different angle. Let my son drive her car...he is using her gas....leaving Mc D trash in it....wearing out her tires....and I do not have to be without a car if he wants to go someplace.<P>I had a hard time accepting it....But..now I think it is kinda funny...because that is all he wants from her...just her car...and you know how a 16 (almost 17) year old is about having wheels to drive. So my son can USE her all he wants.<P>Though the OW is so stupid...she thinks she is part of the family...she took my kids to get their picture taken for xH for father day....and she even had one taken with her in it....my kids were polite...(I taught them how to be) but they came home complaining about it.<P>So, even though, they use her....(you know how kids are) they do not respect her.<P>I think your daughter just wanted to go to the pool. He did not jump to her rescue....since she still did not have a ride. YOU WILL always be her dad...the one that she asks first.<P>Hang in there....you are a terrific DAD!

Bob,<P>My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel, but really, as hard as it is to swallow, try to get over the "competition". It is a competition of sorts. I know it hurts you very much, and that makes me feel very, very sad for you. Your children's love for their Mom is separate from you. You should do nothing to try to interfere with that. It isn't something you "own", either. I think your D is trying to accept the situation and cope the best that she can. Asking for a ride from the OM to go swimming is not being disloyal to you, although it does understandably hurt your feelings.<P>These situations are very awkward for everybody involved. Children do not have the maturity that adults have to consider the sensitivies of others. I am sure that in no way was your D trying to hurt your feelings. She was merely looking for a ride. <P>Keep praying, Bob. When I have felt the worst, most jealous feelings in my life (and affairs bring those out in the worst kind of way!), only my faith and my prayers brought me any relief. Pray for God's help in accepting the situation that has come to be. Pray for the happiness of your children and yourself, and God will give you the strength to bear all your crosses.<P>Thinking of you (((((((Bob)))))))),<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hey Bob,<P>Sorry to hear about this. I know one day this has got to get easier for you!! You really are a great dad and it shows in all your posts. Your children do always turn to you first. Remember that. <P>Hang in There!! <P>Jen<BR>

Bob, <P>First let me say, "This sucks!" Okay, no that that's off my chest, I have the silliest idea for you. You are one of the most mature, calm, wise people I know, so if you can get a little silly, I think this will help your hurt.<P>On one line of your post you wrote: "I want her to hate her mother and om/h/sf..." put as grownups, we know that that's not really going to happen and it's not very mature to feel that way. We don't have the luxury of having a two-year old's temper tantrum and kicking and screaming and being self-centered and selfish. (Here's the silly part--it's kind of wicked). <P>But what if we did?<P>Bob, wouldn't it be fun to drop to the floor, kick and scream and carry on, and scream out, "It's NOT FAIR!! I was good and she was bad!! I hate her!! I hate her!! She always get everything!!!! You love her more!!" and then maybe spill koolaide on the rug or something? No grown up is really going to do that, and yet, Bob, the child within you is doing just that. It's NOT fair! He's a liar and you're not! You were good and they were bad! You deserve all the love and attention.<P>Right? <P>I don't know if you are a writer or a talker or what, but you might want to let the child in you have a voice for a couple minutes. Personally, I have grown up CJ and "Little Cindy" and sometimes it feels a lot better to let Little Cindy have a voice for a few minutes --let it out and say it childishly.<P>I told you it was silly!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

CJ:<P>What wonderful advice. I think I'm going to let little Jen Jen come out of her shell too! <P>I hope Bob tries it and tells us all about it. <BR>

Bob, <P>Listen to CJ... <P>Sometimes you do need to kick, scream and shout!!!!!

I haven't gone to kicking, although I scream when I'm driving(I bet that must scare the hell out of other drivers to see me screaming while I'm driving!).<P>Usually what I do is talk to one or three people and come here and that helps me to see clearly.<P>Thanks !!!!!!!

Bob,<P>I'd suggest that you not resort to the fantasy tantrum stuff---rather keep yourself grounded in reality. When you feel the urge to hate the om/sf, just remember---he married your xW. What punishment could YOU inflict?? <P>

Oh, K, since I like to use prayer to help: are you insinuating I should be praying for Bob's exW and her OM/H to have a LOOOOONNNNNNG marriage together???? Just wondering, teehee! <P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

(This is the way I look at it, I am not sticking up for OM, I want to show how unreal affairs are)OM wants this new life as a part of your x's life part of that life is your daughter. WHy didn't he face reality and take your D swimming???????? He helps break up your family and than doesn't want to help with reality stuff??? Not that you want him to. It just shows that you are a better dad!!! It urks me to think that these people can walk in and do this and not have to face ANY RESPONSIBILITY!!! Just venting, I guess. I'm glad she asked him-it shows him that this is reality and children do expect nore from us adults-maybe his fog will lift?????<P>Hope this view point helps and not hurts!!!

Bob, look at it from a kid's point of view, she wants to go to XYZ, and she doesn't care how she gets there, she just wants to USE someone's tranpsortation, operative word here is USE!<P>her goal is the event, your goal is the see her happy? she seems to be pretty well adjusted if she tries to find her own solutions, and that shows good coping skills.<P>try to look at it positively.<P>My X and OM and kids are going off on a vacation trip this week because he has a camper that i didn't buy in time (i guess) POJA I wouldn't buy it anyway! so is he being used? or is this real love? I asked son if he wanted to take his fishing pole, but he said OM has some for him. You see, it is the best pole he wants, not the OM. <P>good luck, we will see how this works. probably well, but then again, i wouldn't go where they go, its not me.<P>gotta run.<P>tom<BR>

K,<BR>You're probably right. Someone told me that she was yelling at him in a store for buying the wrong paint. I wonder who caught h%^l when their neighbor called the cops for her stupid dog (whoops, sore spot)barking all the time.<P>Whitedove,<BR>Om/h may have been working or sleeping. He mainly works nightshift. That is if he is working. X is working a lot of overtime so I wonder.<P>Tom,<BR>You are right. She simply wanted to go swimming and didn;t care how she got there. She was supposed to go the day before when I could take her but her g/f backed out at the last minute so she was mad about that so she was determined to go yesterday no matter what.<P><BR>Funny thing is, today the kids went to their mothers around noon. I went out to eat and when I got back around 2, my d was there getting my bike out of the garage. She and one her g/f were going to ride into town to get something to eat. X must not have had anything to feed them again. NOt sure where s was. D's bike is at x's, don't know why she didn't bring it. I can her x saying she was "too tired" after working 5 hrs today to pick bike up and put in the van. I don't know why d even bothered going over if she was coming right back.