Well, I hadn't given much thought to what your ages were. And Frankie you are right, maybe there is comfort in numbers huh???<P>Anyway actually this is my third marriage. But if you met me you would probably never know it. I am down to earth, have a good job, take care of my mom in the nursing home, have two older loving brothers who have kids, and grandkids married 11 marriages altogether in their families and NO DIVORCES! Why this happened to me I will never know.<BR>My first marriage lasted 19 years, and I really didn't know what sex and intimacy was all about. I was just busy trying to keep us from fighting and raising 2 kids. Perhaps I didn't give the sex thing enough importance. We divorced and I married (stupidly) a younger guy who taught me that sex was really pretty nice and important. We divorced for ??reasons. and Now I am married to the one guy who I would like to go into old age with but he doesn't understand sexual intimacy at all. Or something,....See I don't know what it is.....But you know , we go through lif and we should all learn lessons along the way. I learned to appreciated the sex and enjoy being intimate with the man I love. <BR>OH WELL....I keep hoping things will get better. <BR>dlara, what state are you in???<P>didi

Hey guys,<P>I am back! I was away for a few days....Kentucky derby....(that was an experience). Anyway, I agree with what the two of you are saying.......Frankie, I think marriage is a rough challenge for most(including me).. I would love it, if we could all sort of have just a 5 year limit, and decide if we want to do more or not.....LOL......this forever is not realistic to me at all! And that could be because I have not met the person that I could do that well with as yet.(not sure)...<BR>Didi, I am not sure what you meant by state I am in...........emotional or location? Therefore, I will answer both...I live in Pa. and I am emotionally working real hard on getting what I want out of this life. It is not an easy feat, since the decisions affect others, but I am in the process of working on it. Also, if I do decide to leave my hasband I would like to get it right(if that exists.....which I am told it does....this time). I know one thing for sure, I would make sure that we would be totoally compatible sexually in addition to other areas, of course. I do see the unbelievalbe improtance to a great sexual relationship! <BR>Sure helps get through the rough spots!

dlara,<P>Ha! I see what you mean. No I probably wouldn't question your emotional state at this point. I was just wondering how for across the nation we all were. I am in Indiana.<P>You were pretty close to where I live (2 hrs)<BR>when you were at the derby. Did you have fun. I will get into deeper stuff about what you said tomorrow. Too late tonite and my brain is dull.<P>cya<BR>didi

Didi,<P>I was close to where you live! The Derby was an experience! Definitley glad I went, but I don't need to go again! I see things have been quiet around here lately.......How are you doing with your situation.....<BR>Frankie,......Are you out there? How are you doing? <BR>I am still doing my looking into myself,and taking it day by day. I will keep you posted.

dlara,<P>Situation not much better. Now he is talking about Scientology. Anyone out here know much about that? I've never heard of it before.<BR>Oh well, something new every day I guess.<P>How's your situation??<P>I haven't heard from Frankie either..<P>didi<P>I v\

dlara and didi, i'm here and have been all along. we've just missed connections i guess. there are so many new posters and a lot of times it reads like a broken record. i just don't know what to write in response to so many people suffering through marital nightmares. the hardest for me to respond to are those h and w's who's spouse is having the affair and the h or w is desperatly seeking an answer to their problem. the answer they're looking for just isn't there. they are lead to believe they can resurrect their marriage and so they suffer and struggle on and on. so often i think they should just cut their loses and move on. but all i can do is read on as nature takes its' course and people do as they will and i'm no different. have you ever dropped a dozen eggs and seen the mess? so many of the members have marriages that seem to be like that dozen eggs lying on the kitchen floor. i think i see now why i respond to postings about a specific marital problem, i.e., differing sexual needs. now that's a problem i can get my arms around. anyway, thanks for asking.

didi, i reread your 04-29-99, 5:44, post. i read how, in addition to other things, you went from a funtional marriage with little sex, to a marriage with good sex, to your current marrage with little or no sex. before you married the 3rd. time, did you two check out the sexual compatibility department. i don't mean this to be a dumb question but it got me to thinking about my current marriage. we did it many times, at first she was terrible at sex and i just thought i could fix everything. she wasn't good but she was willing. after some time, she became quit responsive and finally started having orgasms regularly. yet she never learned to participate reciprocally, if you know what i mean. in other words she really enjoyed everything i did but didn't add anything to the performance. now i ask myself this, why did i take up with her. i think i liked being her knight in shinning armor but didn't think about what i needed or wanted. of course, i must have wanted someone to think of me as a knight in shinning armor, you know, the admiration thing. it must be one of my higher emotional needs. years ago i used to hear it said that no one person can satisfy all of your needs and that's why it's ok to have other relationship, including affairs, i suppose. this was during the sexual revolution and made sense then. i'm thinking there may be some real truth in it. so, what do you think and what about your 3rd. marriage? did you feel comfortable with the quality and quantity of sex?

Frankie, that was a great analogy you had in your previous post! It is a mess....too bad that we were never taught how to communicate properly. I think that has a lot to do with problems in realtionships. <BR>didi, I have read a bit about scientology, but I don't quite get it. Does your husband want you to get involved? Is he thinking that this may help him sexually? I was actually wondering the same thing about your husband and sex prior to your marriage. I was young when I got married, not very experienced sexually. Therefore, I did not know that my husband was not the greatest lover. However, I did discover he was always lacking in that area. As I have mentioned before, if we do split up, that is going to be an important factor in who I am with next time. I see that knowing and understanding yourself is the most importnat thing a person can do......I am still in that process, and until I understand more, I could make another mistake choosing a man....Like going for the same as my husband, or the total opposite, which comes out to the same, in essence.

I agree also about the dropped eggs analogy.<BR>One thing I guess you guys may think of. I think I see some pretty good marriages out there in the real world, and this forum is of couse going to only show the 'mess' ones.<P>When I met my husband he was a very dynamic, interesting personality that enjoyed stimulating conversations and like a lot of the same things I did. He is devoted to me as a person now, even though now I'm not even really sure what that is all about. I guess I am trying to say I was intrigued about all of that. <BR>Frankie....I knew that the sex was a complicated subject for him but when he finally decided he could be married (he was single for 10 yrs) again because he had finally found the gal he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, I just thought it would get better. NOT!<P>GEt this analogy, (just for thought) Sometimes I think he has an unusual affection for his daughter, she is 20 and getting married in July. In the beginning of our relationship when she was 14 I was jealous of them many times. When we were together he gave her more attention than he did me. Attention like you would give a girlfriend, rubbing her back, stroking her hair, giving her workouts like a chiropractor. I thought that was all kinda wierd but it finally wore off as she got older. But sometimes now I feel he is just trying to replace what he had with her, with me. Incredible deep love like for a daughter, but not sex. Seems like he treats us both the same so therefore we compete for his attention and he doesn't know how to put us on different levels the way it is supposed to be......By the way when he is not around, she and I get along fine. WE get along anyway but when we are all together I feel kinda 3rd man out I guess.<P>Scientology. I don't know, just came up, he doesn't know anything about it. JUst something to agravate me because I am Christian. Even though I am low level. Anyway I am reading about it just to keep on top of things. Like I said if we aren't in deep discussion about 1 thing it is another. Remember I said interesting conversations, now I am thinking its always political and controversial. Where is the peaceful side of this marriage.? You know safe from the strom outside kinda thing. I know this is all heavy sorry I woke up in the middle of the nite with all of this on my mind.<P>didi

dlara,<BR>I read your last couple of postings. Have you already decided to move on? Is there other things about your marriage that are good or not? I don't remember reading what your h says about the sex thing. Do you feel intimate feelings for him anyway?<BR>didi

Didi,<P>I have not made any final decisions to move on, as yet. I am vascillating. Some days, i feel as if I don't want to stay with him, and others, I am thinking maybe I should, and just have a lover. (but I know that would be more confusion for me). If one were to look at our lives from the outside, they would think we live a fantastic life together. He had built a company for years and just sold it and we are beyond comfortable (financially). We have everything that $ can buy. We have some good, friends, still have fun when we go out with people that we love, we both have a good sense of humor, share 2 daughters whom we adore, etc.... this has been a way of life...a lifestyle.....30 years is a long [censored] time! BUT.....the sexual part of my life with him has come to a halt as of a year and a half ago. I think I may have mentioned this, but he shutdown after realizing that his father saexually abused our daughters when they were very young! They repressed it until the youngest went away to her freshman year of college. Then it came pouring out. Needless to say this last 4 years has been a trip for all of us.....traumatic! We are all in therapy individually......with good people, so we will be oK, but he may have been sexually abused also. This is possibly why he just shut down. Sexual intimacy is such a big part of a realtionship...it goes into so many other areas....without it, I am finding that we are more detached from each other. It is uncomfortable when we are away, in a hotel, etc........This has been going on for awhile, and it's been eroding whatever we had together. Whew! That was a mouthful!<P>Didi.........I don't know if I am being just paranoid, but what you said about your husband and the way he treats his daughter is a bit disturbing to me. Also, I hear you say that you have always felt something strange about it......a red flag .....What is that all about? Have you ever discussed this with him? <BR>I agree with you........there are some great marriages out there! Not a lot, but there are a few, and that does give me hope and desire to have that for myself. It is a reality, and it seems wonderful. It is something that $ cannot buy and this is what I have been trying to explain to my husband.Well I think I vented enough this morning!

dlara,<BR>Wow! You said a lot. We can discuss further the shut-down. He is probably going through a lot. Perhaps sometime we can talk on the phone. What do you think? I can give you my e-mail address. If this is not acceptable let me know. I am a bit leary of giving it on here but I don't know what else to do.<BR>Any suggestions.<P>My (step-daughter) situation, I can say more but I don't really think it is a red flag situation and I think I know your insinuation. I just think it's a psychological thing with him and he doesn't even realize it. I wonder sometime if there is a way I can ask her without her really knowing what I am doing. Neither one of them are psychological thinkers, if you know what I mean.<BR>didi

Hi,<P>I'm dealing with the same thing with my wife. I feel very vulnerable but don't want any more "eggs on the kithen floor" to clean up. Don't have any answers either. Sorry. I wish you all the best.<p>[This message has been edited by TD (edited May 08, 1999).]

Didi,<P>I am not sure of amy other way to exchange emails.....I guess it is Ok on here. Sure, I would like to talk to you! Yes, you are right, he is going through a lot.....it has not been an easy situation all around. It sucks actually!<P>I am sure you could find a way to ask your step daughter. If anything did occur, she may want to protect him.... That sometimes happens in a situation like that. But as you said, It may very well be something totally different. I hope that is the case.<P>TD, Hope things work out for you also. Anytime you feel like sharing with us, we would be glad to listen. You indicated that you are vulnerable.........I understand. Were you comparing the egg analogy to your realtionship?

dlara,<P>I was just referring to Frankie's analogy to a dozen eggs dropped on the kithen floor (a few posts back in this thread).<P>I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that we all met at a certain day this summer at the Field of Dreams (www.fieldofdreamsmoviesite.com/), looked around a bit, sat in the spectators stands and visited for a while and then walked into the cornfields and disappeared.<P>Happy Mother's day to those of you who have attained that honorable status. I hope it's a good day for the rest of you also.

TD,<P>That dream was very interesting! How would you interpret that? Hummmmm? Thanks for your Mother's day wishes........Happy Mother's Day, Didi! And every one else! Enjoy your Sunday........

dlara,<P>Thanks! I didn't see my children on mom's day. But the rest of my family spent a wonderful day with my mom. She is 91 and stayed out with us by the lakeside until 10pm. Hope all of you had a good day.<BR>didi<P><BR>didi<p>[This message has been edited by didi (edited May 10, 1999).]

my husbandvalso is not vert sexual. we have been married for 18 mths. but we never had sex, every night. excepot on my honeymoon for a month. i would like tpo have sex avery night. but he is tired, angry or not well. we used to be together every 10 days. but this week a coulpe times. i have learned to accept this.

sonu, so you've learned to accept this. accepting life without sex is like saying you've learned to live without breathing just because you can hold your breath. but that's just me. i'm doing w/o too. not because i'm being denied but because i don't care to do it with my w. i guess i'm accepting this situataion too. maybe a better chose of words would be tolerating the absense of sex. i'm tolerating the absense of sex, but only barely.

Sonu,<P> I need to ask you,....Are you ok with what you have accepted? Really OK? If so, more power to you! I am happy for you........I cannot accept that, I suppsoe that what I am doing is what you said,<BR>Frankie, just sort of tolerating it, and not doing it well, by the way.........