Hello this is my first time posting, my wife who goes by the name yuki miaka posts in this forum and has posted in other marriage builder forums. I love her very much but she thinks I want to steal our son from her. I cant talk directly to her or I will be held in comtempt of court. She decided we needed to be divorced without even discussing it with me. I dont want anyone to take my side all I want is my wife and son back in my life. I have never cheated on her and all our current problems come from misunderstandings. I can be reached at misterslugworth@hotmail.com <BR>Please help me

I think I can relate somewhat to your situation. My wife also decided that we needed to be divorced without any discussion (or warning). She moved out, cut off all communication with me, filed for divorce, and took out a restraining order against me. As in your situation, misunderstandings were in large part responsible for our problems, the misunderstandings themselves primarily resulting from a mutual failure to recognize the power of unresolved issues and fears left over from childhood and adolescence.<P>I believe my wife made a serious attempt to make our marriage work before she left. But since our understanding of the problems we had encountered was merely superficial, we wasted time and effort trying to deal with symptoms instead of the underlying problems. In the end, my wife panicked and ran. Turning me into the enemy became a new way for her to hide from her long-buried pain that had threatened to surface.<P>I don't know enough about your situation to know how many parallels exist between your situation and mine. Your presence here is a bit awkward, considering that your wife was here first. Taking sides is not the issue, since it's quite obvious that you both made some serious mistakes, however well-intentioned. But it would be a shame to scare your wife away from here, where she might have a chance of receiving some help. I suspect she needs it pretty badly, but I imagine she's in a very wary frame of mind.<P>However, here's one bit of advice that I think is safe to give: if you are still living with your mother, move into a place of your own. That living arrangement caused enormous stress in your marriage, and it isn't good for <I>you</I> either. Furthermore, I didn't get the impression that your wife was so much afraid of <I>you</I> stealing your son from her as she was of your <I>mother</I> stealing her son from her. Also, note that this is a case where it really doesn't matter whether her fears are rational or not. They are real, and must be respected.<BR>

Hello Tama,<P>Yes, I remember your wife. From what I recall of her posts, these are the areas of concern she had about your marriage:<P>1) Like GDP said, she was afraid of your mother turning your son against Yuki.<P>2) She stopped posting here because she felt that some of her posts were going to be used legally against her in some way.<P>3) She was extremely depressed and upset about living with your family. She felt that all your discussions/arguments were your Mother's business. She felt your family was extremely controlling.<P>4) She was upset because to her it seemed that you always choose your family over her. She felt you would never stick up for her against your family. <P>5) She had her own personal problems with a background of familial abuse.<P>6) You both married very young and had a child right away....this would put alot of pressure on anyone.<P>So, that's what I remember so far. I can't remember what the status of your marriage right now it. Did she and your son move out? I seem to remember she did, and was going to go to school. Are you still living with your family or did you move with her? What is happening now?<P>All I can say is, if you want any chance to get your wife back, just for starters you would have to:<P>1) Move out of your family's house. You and she need your own place.<P>2) Choose Yuki over your family....every time. You have to put her first over your family, always and in every situation.<P>It's unusual that you would post here, but if you really want her back, you should to to the main <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> site and read everything you can about how to save your marriage.<P>You need to read about Plan A and do it. I know that Yuki loved you and wouldn't have come to this site if she hadn't wanted to save her marriage....at least at the time. <P>If you do have a chance to talk to her and straighten out some of the misunderstandings you talk about, you also need to seriously consider counseling. Esp. for your son's sake.<P>I wish you the best of luck. I would very much like to hear an update on the issues I listed as well as what's happening more specifically with your marriage.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Knownaim,<P>Ditto to everything Mrs. O posted here, but lets take it a step further. If you are serious about saving your marriage, get on the phone today to Dr. Harley, and get brutally honest with him.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

Great suggestion, Bumper!

Thanks for the advice and its funny that you call me tama but its ok, I know why you call me that. I now beat myself over the head with all the mistakes I made. I realize that I MUST and WILL always choose her over my family(if she gives me that chance). And I know that I must forsake my family, and I've looked at my financial situation and think I could do it if miaka and I pooled our resources. Anyway thanks for your advice I will look into the url. I dont want to scare her away from here either, but she may think that I am. Like I said before If anyone wants to talk to me Im at misterslugworth@hotmail.com (I really need support to) Even though our marriage has been through alot I know its not over till its over. I Pray that it never ends<P><BR>

I call you Tama, because that's what she said your "name" was....but I'll call you knownaim if ya want....<P>So what is the deal with you and her? Can you talk to her at all? Is she on her own? Is she dead set to divorce?<P>The URL I gave is what this whole forum is based on. It lists the foundation and principles of what a good marriage could be. Well worth looking into...especially the counseling center. You can do it yourself...you don't have to do it with her.<P>Please feel free to keep coming back to this site for support. I think you are welcome. And I think she decided to not return her before you posted. <P>And don't beat yourself up over past mistakes....learn from them. Yes, you DO have to disentangle yourself from your family....whether it's not to late to save your marriage or not. We all came here with pain and mistakes we could do nothing about. However, there are no quick fixes. It's gonna take a lot of work, either way.<P>Hope you can fill us all in more on your situation.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR>

Thank you for the open arms welcome Mrs. O, even if our marriage does end the last thing I want is a nasty divorce. Our son dosent deserve that. I want to tell my story but I dont know if Miaka will get angry or not, and no I cant write, talk, or sneeze at her. I have looked at her past posts and wish so bad that everything she said here<BR>had been told to me the way she talked to you guys. I hope this isnt to little to late. I know she still loves me so I will continue to pray and thank anyone for their prayers. <BR>Im not sure how set she is in divorce, though it dosent feel good according to her latest post. I have icq and AOL IM in case anyones interested. Bye<P>