and now he wants me to ask for a postponement so we can try to reconcile again.<P>Funny, he's had 3 months to either get a lawyer or do something about our marriage. <P>NOW that it's becoming real, he's begging me to once again, put MY life on hold based on his promises with nothing to back it up.<P>He's willing to do everything BUT get counseling and/or go to AA. He insists that I am brainwashed, that he doesn't have a problem, and that I keep focusing on "side" issues, not the real issues - such as our anger and ability to give emotionally to each other.<P>Bleah. <P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

{{{{{BrambleRose}}}}}<BR>I'm not as far along in the process as you, but my H already asked, through a friend, if there was a chance of reconciliation. The friend said he knew what I'd say, that H is still drinking and living with OW. H said he knows he needs to go to treatment and relationship is "almost" over with OW since they both know it won't work out (I doubt very much if she knows it from what she's said in the past).<P>I told friend to tell him that I'd talk to him about it when he was in treatment and A was all the way over. H's answer was, "F### it then." Now he's denying both drinking and drug use and trying to get a restraining order against me!<P>What did Steve suggest? He told me to follow through with D no matter what and see what kind of relationship developed after the D since I'd be in a stronger position then.<P>Is OW still in the picture or just alcohol?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BrambleRose}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>My friend you have been so helpful to me, that I wish I could just say something brilliant for you, but I can't. You know this is just his last-ditch effort to avoid having to deal with this, right? You know that he is just trying to get you to dance the old dance the way you used to, right? I know this hurts and I know this sucks, but I also know that you KNOW in your heart of hearts that this is the right thing to do. He either MUST go to AA and counseling willingly and not, and if he chooses not to go, you MUST look out for yourself. He's going to try to blame you and manipulate you every-which-way-but-loose, so prepare yourself for it. And when he's really slinging it at you, come here and get some support and encouragement and stuff here. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BR}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

BR,<P>The behavior you are describing in your STBX is pure alcoholic reasoning if I ever heard it! It doesn't matter what the problem is, he'll place the blame anywhere except on his drinking. Every problem in life is someone else's fault, it has nothing to do with his drinking, at least according to him.<P>The really sad part of this is that he isn't just lying to you, he is lying to himself too. That self deception isn't going to stop after twenty eight days in a hat factory, it is still going to take him at least another two years to get significantly cleared up. Right now he is looking for a quick fix, and a way to keep on drinking like he is, only without the problems. That ain't going to happen.<P>The fact of the matter is, you most likely do have other problems in your marriage, but you don't have a prayer of resolving those problems while he is still drinking. No one can reason with a drunk. A brain pickled with booze just doesn't process information like a sober mind does. <P>Once again, I hope you will trust your own best judgement, and let your intellect rule over your feelings. And hang on tight to both versions of the Serenity Prayer! You're going to need them this week.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

I am not in favor of divorce, but I do understand addiction and I can tell you he will not get any help until he hits bottom and his world come tumbling down. it sounds like he is just trying to manipulate you once again. You know how that goes you have been there before. Stay focused on yourself and getting better, do not let his illness suck you back in, the way I see it if he gets help and changes you will know when it is real and when you can trust him, I quess you could always remarry again. take care of yourself<P>

Then his next course of action is spelled out with sufficient clarity, isn't it? Tell him its simple:<BR> He attends his first AA meeting, then you postpone. Period.<P>I wish it had been as {simple} as that for me. Really, I do.<P>Don't most states let you back out for a period after the divorce?<P>Doesn't matter, the 11th hour appears to have passed.<P>All that remains to be seen is how much they are willing to pay BEYOND the marriage.<P>God bless, BR, I think you will triumph in the end, and I hope he can open his eyes in time. I will pray for him.