I have posted here a couple of times and actually have a recent post from today. Unfortunately things have gotten worse. Since a big fight my husband and I had on Saturday, he said he was leaving and I have been putting Plan A into action. Though it has only been 2 days, I had a huge angry outburst that was warranted. I went out for my 20 minute walk and while I was gone, our 2 1/2 year old son went out the front door to follow me but my husband did. Well I did not know this so when I get back, my husband is sitting on the couch watching TV and my 11 & 6 year old daughters are riding their bikes around the neighborhood trying to find him.<P>Well like any mother would do, I freaked out and then of course started yelling at my husband because all I asked for was 20 minutes to take my nightly walk and he lets our son get out the door and then sends the kids out looking for him while he sits on the couch watching TV. Anyway, after 10 very long frightening minutes, I found him around the block. Thank God that some stopped and stayed with him while I was looking for him. Well my outburst seemed to trigger all of our past emotions and brought us to a very long talk. We went over everything that has been going on for the past 4 months and he said it will be best if he leaves. Unfortunately right now we are financially unable to run 1 household, much less 2. We decided to give this until the end of July to try to get financially stable.<P>He and I both agreed on this in house separation but have not really decided on the terms. I mean, how do you set terms on something like this. I finally let him know that I was posting here and suggested he read some of the great material on this site. But he said his solutions to this on not on a piece of paper. He finally admitted that deep in his heart he does not want to split up but he does not have the strength to fight anymore and does not want the kids to see us fighting anymore.<P>Can anybody out there give any suggestions on making and in house separation work!<P>My husband has said that when he thinks of in house separation, he means no calling each other and work and not doing anything together or talking. I agreed to that but also suggested that maybe we could try to spend 1 night a week alone with each other to try and rebuild our love. I also asked him to keep a very open mind as I am trying to make the necessary changes to myself that have really pushed him away. We have a planned trip coming up in mid July and I asked him what we should do and he said we should still go and still stay in the same hotel room. I then asked him what about dinner time everynight, should I just not include him or what, and he said we can all still eat dinner together. This all sounds like he doesn't really want to leave but then he followed up his statements with this is only until we get back on our feet and that he is doing this for the kids.<P>He also finally admitted that he wished I would have fought this hard sooner to save our marriage. I would have if I would have known sooner how miserable he really was.<P>PLEASE, any advice on making an in house separation work would be greatly appreciated. I am going to continue with PLAN A but I think I am going to need more help here.<p>[This message has been edited by sballplyr (edited June 26, 2001).]

Hi... Well, if you've read any of my posts lately, you'll know that my situation completely resonates with yours - in terms of the in-house separation. We've been living it the past 10 months now. We're now in the process of purchasing a duplex home, where my stbx will live upstairs and I will live on the main floor. The basement will likely be shared space - though that's where my laundry facilities are located.<P>Anyway, it has been immensely helpful to be on this board and to read the materials and listen to all of Harley's commentaries on marriage and conflict, etc. I too had a problem with love busters in our marriage... the natural consequence of those love busters (LB)?... alienation. He's gone.<P>Well, your H sounds hopeful but it sounds like he needs some space. You definitely are on the right track to get a hold of your LBs... Though I can understand your reasoning for losing it with your H, if you're serious about changing it has to be sustainable EVEN under pressure/stress. I'm finding that not only do I need to control my LBing behavior with my H but with all of my relationships - like my own mother, my children, etc. That is the only way it will be sustainable. At this point, you will be practicing the law of protection... protecting others from the harmful side effects of LBing. <P>In the meantime, please keep an eternal perspective here... if you separate and divorce, it won't be the end of you. It may be the end of the world as you have known it, but is that such a bad thing? So, hang with me here... I'm not advocating for this nor suggesting this... just keep the eternal perspective as this will eliminate the hold FEAR plays on how you act. Do not fear it. It doesn't mean you have to like it... just do not fear it.<P>So, with that in mind, you have ample ground to work on yourself to make the changes necessary to rebuild yourself into a loving person. You need to be trustworthy... no where (that I can find) does it say to trust other people in the Bible. In fact, it says often not to trust other wo/men. But, it does say BE TRUSTWORTHY... I think this is the fruit of a well planned and executed Plan A.<P>Regarding the separation - in house... you will have to establish rules. Have you seen the book "Should I Stay or Should I Go: Controlled Separation" by Lee Raffel. It's an excellent hand-book on managing separations and there is a section on in-house separations. It's very good and I would highly recommend your getting a copy to think through the agreement made and all of the factors to be included in an agreement.<P>All the best, keep us posted and let us know how we can help or if you have further questions!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

OvrCs has given you some wisdom ther, I'd advice you to take heed.<P>I wouldn't pipe in except that a word that you 'spoke' sticks out to me, and tells me that you have a LB behavior that is probably causing a LOT of your turmoil: warranted.<BR>Okay, yes it was bad parenting, or maybe simply 'normal' negligence, but you are trying to justify a rant, and that does not cut it, I'm afraid. Your concern is for the child, right? Then rescue the child, and be done with it...totally. No need to ruminate on HIM at all. It does not serve you well. This is the somewhat confusing aspect of all of this. Your conscious mind will JUSTIFY LB behavior because it is comfortable, and brings a known result. Never mind the fact that it is destroying your marriage, taking you both with it, its a known evil. WATCH YOURSELF VERY CAREFULLY WITH RESPECT TO JUSTIFYING LB BEHAVIOR. A good rule of thumb I use is this:<BR> Do not do the first thing that occurs to you, nor speak the first words you feel the need to utter. If you need to justify it, then let it die without action.<BR>It works very well, and I've never not said something I should.<BR>Your tongue can bless, or condemn, get control of that before anything else.<BR>In response to your H's response about reading, all truths are ultimately written down somewhere, and he will not be able to 'conjure up' a decent sustained relationship on what his father and friends have taught him, of that I am certain. He is, of course, free to make his own decisions, but he is a very limited man if he doesn't check the horizon once in a while, and go outside his comfort zone. If he does not look up once in a while, you will leave him next time, and it will be for good.<P>Every time I post extensively, I recommend this website: <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>http://www.restorem.org</A> It is definitely Bible based and little else, but it contains the truths you seek. Go there, and read, and be comforted.<P>I am sorry that your husband has blinders on, but still, try to become the wife God wants you to be, your husband will notice if he has a mind/heart to. If not, you will be a better person, and some other man will be the lucky one. If he is a good man, you will be lucky, too. Honestly, that's all you can expect, or hope for. Now what you can pray for, work for, etc. is to have your marriage to him restored, you just can't make it the only possibility, you know?<P>Take care, and God bless you. I will pray for you, him and your children.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited June 27, 2001).]