Hi all, a lot of new faces in the group...and a lot of us old timers as well. I see that we were all stating how long we have been coming here...I am at the 1.5 year mark. You guys don't know me under this name...I once was a pickel...but not any longer. Well the end of the summer it will be official. <BR>I thought the new name was fitting. I feel like I am myself again these past couple of months. It's amazing how damaged we become once surviving infidelity, betrayel, lies and so on. I was commenting to my fried that I always thought myself a very together person until this all happened, and now I find myself wondering if being married to someone is realistic. Don't get me wrong I am in no way signing up for a pitty party or a anti-marriage campaign but I just wonder sometimes. <BR>I sat next to a guy on the plane last week who I believe was placed next to me in a cosmic karma way. He of course could have been full of it but we got to chatting and he asked me why I wasn't married. I gave him the brief run down...once was, kinda too soon to be serious with anyone and that I didn't know if I would ever re-marry. He said he said the same thing..he was married, bad marriage and after his divorce he met his current wife ( I was thinking he was going to say they have been married for a year now )of 20 years. So it got me thinking maybe there is hope. <BR>Amazing how that one innocent conversation can help. I have been at this healing for about 6 months now...give or take. I have dated and learned that I don't want to play these games. I am drawing boundaries. Why is it that men won't call the day after ( I know I have read the books...something to do with being from mars...and e-mail after a date to thank someone...so impersonal)<BR>As I read through some of the posts here, I relate to the pain being expressed, the desperation. I always reflect back to parts (the parts I can remember) of a post someone on this site posted awhile back about not begging our spouses, ex-spouses to marry us, be with us, love us...and yet I bet we all for the most part can recall those desperate pleas rolling from our lips at some point. I was ashamed of myself for doing so, for being so angry for being so foolish...it has been 6 months on the wagon so to speak and I have added perspective to those pleas, I was too close to the situation, too hurt, and most of all in shock...I can honestly say that I was in shock for about a year, perhaps it could be denial...but shock is more accurate. I am no longer in shock, and while I hope down deep in some corner or my being that my STBX cared(s) it ultimately isn't about him anymore...<BR>I hope those of you that feel the pain daily still find peace soon. It is out there and you deserve it. <BR>I will hover from time to time...but I am no longer building a marriage, I am rebuilding me. Anyone else at this stage?

I am not at that point yet, however, I have been on MB since Nov 00 when H walked and never to return. Paperwork was signed last Monday-the 18th-ExH has announced he is marrying OW this weekend. I planned A' from Nov-February-but could only do it thru notes because H wanted nothing to do with me-at all-plus he was in hiding with OW. In January I hit my big downslope and went into deep pain and depression. I did come back up for awhile but am down again with the finaliztion of paperwork and the announcement of this marriage taking place. Your story gives me encouragement that someday this pain will go away. My doctor is uping the anti's this week until I can feel better again. The pain is like heartburn and is constant right now. My counsler said this is good because I need to hurt to properly heal. I too think I will never be able to remarry-that I could not trust or love any one again. I m terribly afraid of a relationship right now. Maybe I will be past this point in a year. They say you should wait 2 yrs after a divorce to start another relationship-right now I just try to make it day by day!!P.S. my old name was Trs...<p>[This message has been edited by White Dove (edited June 27, 2001).]

Hi myselfagain, I almost freaked out as to how close your situation sounds to mine. If all dosent go well then, Im probably looking at a divorce by the end of summer. I too cant see getting remarried if my wife and I do divorce.(pray it dosent happen) let alone date while the situation is in progress. I cant even see myself dating anyone, how did come to terms with trying to let someone else in your life at this point? Im not judging you, so please dont feel offended, but wont it complicate your proceeding divorce? As far as feeling ashamed, I must say that I feel that you too, because Im sure Ill go through that pleaing, or I should say Im doing that when you consider my other posts. And as far as your STBX he probably does care but has too much pride or anger to let on. Because I know that I still care for my estranged wife. Let me know how you got through to the point of rebuilding yourself because I may need it myself.

~~<p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited June 27, 2001).]

Gosh if only we can bottle the potion to get us through these times huh? I guess some have tried with the anti-depressants. I never went that route. I had the undying support of my friends and family. I had no idea how much I was going to and still do need them. I hope each of you have this. I am truly thankful for them.<P>White Dove: I hear ya... it is hard to believe that they could date let alone re-marry so quickly. I think taking your time and going through the grieving is key. I grieved. Let me tell you I grieved. I should have bought stock in Kleenex. But I don't cry anymore. In fact I have stopped remembering the past year...at least intensely, and remembered the good times...when he was the doting husband. He was a good man longer than he was this hurtful/self centerd man of the past couple of years. It helps me realize that I didn't chose a bad man, but a man who has issues and who is unwilling to look at himself as someone who makes mistakes and learns from them...my situation ran 3000 miles away. Your's sounds like he is buring himself in another relationship that has the odds against it. But that isn't your doing or burden. I hope you see that. The well published 2 years from divorce gauge before having another relationship, I don't know. I think it is a case by case situation. I have dated, not had relationships. I am very picky now...I want different things than I did in my early 20's. And so I think if it takes you 2 years to learn what those must haves are and to heal yourself then that is a great mark. I think some depending on their circumstances can start the clock before the divorce is offical...keep the hope alive...we can't see sharing our lives with another today...but I have hope that someday I will be ready. Until then, there is no harm in meeting new people and having some fun, Lord knows we all deserve some happiness and to allow ourselves some happiness after all that we have been through.<P>Knownaim: I don't offend easily so as you saw with white dove, I have gone out a couple of times with people that I have known or worked with...(thank goodness for downsizing, you don't have to face them the next day if you didn't really have a good time j/k) it's was strange, awkward and yet familiar when the car door was opened for me, or any door (the signs of manners) the hug at the end of a date, or what floored me was the flirting...I almost wanted to turn around and see who he was flirting with...sad how we can shut ourselves down like that. I hope you are doing what is best for you. I am an outgoing person, and to be honest no one has really gotten into my life, just dinner, a movie, things like that and by no means do I have a date each weekend...hmm...or even each month You will know when the time is right and when you realize that the cute woman with the nice smile is flirting with you and then you notice that wow, there are more women who flirt with me than I thought...you just weren't open to it. I had a friend read one of my co-workers(who isn't one now...downsizing) e-mails to me...I was shocked to sense he was flirting in e-mail...she laughed and welcomed me back to the land of the living. I had no idea what to do...(imagine deer in the headlight ) I flirted back...cautiously..it was work...and well we had dinner...it was nice. So it can be innocent. But it sounds like you are still working on saving the marriage...and I am in your court on that one...I believe there is nothing more sad than divorce...but for all of you who were so kind to respond, there is hope if divorce is inevitable. Baby steps...<P>And one last thing...White Dove we need to stand up and never check a Divorced box on any form ever. It is no one else's business....we are single....