Well, I turned in all the mandatory stuff on Monday--disclosure, financial affidavit, interrogatories, request for production--and what a job that was! Making copies of everything for my husband's lawyer and mine, plus whatever the court wanted was nerve wracking, indeed. Following that, I amassed a large, milk crate filing box with tons of evidence and documentation. I filled 5, 3-inch ringed binders with letters, notes, poems, receipts, bills, Internet surveillance, journals, timelines, P.I. report, phone numbers, bank statements, and other chronicles. I had stuff hidden all over the house, in every nook and cranny. In each binder, I placed sticky notes on the copies that needed further explanation. It's done, it's beautiful, and I am sleep deprived.<P>And I am only happy about not having to (hopefully) dip back into my filing cabinet to retrieve documents my lawyer may need. It's all quite sad. I see the divorce train a-comin', and I cain't git off'n these tracks. I don't want this. I wanted an idyllic marriage with my Prince Charming, and I ended up with an alcoholic, adulterous toad, foiled again by my own surreal expectations. I thought I was going to get to be the most important "thing" in someone's life, but that valid expectation was not to be realized. I could not compete with Sir Baccardi, Earl of Rum.<P>People who love each other aren't supposed to do this, but they do, and I am. After trying for, oh I don't know, 4, maybe 5 years to keep my marriage afloat, it sank. Like the Titanic. What a profound sense of loss I have. How pure the emotional pain is that grips my chest and overwhelms my eyes. Too young to die, too old to have babies and start over again, I wonder, what's next? Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? How will I ever survive? I don't know how to be single any more. The rules changed, didn't they? I can't dance those dances. I can't listen to that music. My era is gone. I'm supposed to be looking forward to retiring, with my husband. Rocking in the slider on the front porch, holding hands while the sun sets, eating popcorn and sipping lemonade. Barefoot.<P>But those rules changed, too. I have to go my separate way and forge a new, indeterminate life for myself and my son. It's so frightening, yet exciting in a way. The thrill of the chase. The hunt for the new and improved-ness. The passion of great expectations. We will make of it what we will, I suppose. I just wish I didn't have to.<P>To the lawyer's,<BR>Nell

I don't think anyone gets married with plans to divorce someday, but this is what we have got for now. It gets better nell and you will come out of this the better person. You have done all you could do and no you never had a fair chance against the booze and OW. You couldn't compete with those things. Take care of yourself<P>

Nell, I'm going through the same thing you are. My H is an addict/alcoholic. We are close to 50 and I went into menopause almost 3 years ago following chemotherapy for breast cancer. Now my H, who had been clean and sober for almost 10 years, has started drinking and using drugs again and turned to a 22 year old MW (w/ a 4 yr. old D) who parties with him. I was never able to have children, but H and OW talk about having kids together. He listens to rap music with her, enjoys kinky sex with her, knows all the young people's slang, smokes pot and drinks sweet drinks that kids like, and shoots crank with her... <P>He's living in a different world. I was looking forward to that same retirement world that you describe while he's starting all over again at the bottom, except he's saying that he's retiring to the beach with the OW because he's permanently and totally disabled from an injury he suffered about 15 yrs, and several jobs, ago. He expects me to support him with spousal support from the business we own and used to run together. <P>I am just starting the divorce process, haven't gotten as far as you. At the moment I'm focused on making sure my temporary restraining order is made permanent. I'm also trying to think about the future as positively as I can. It's definitely not where I want to be either, but it's where I am. <P>I follow your posts since we are in the same boat. Sometimes I wish we could have an MB Al-Anon meeting. The alcohol and/or drugs are the primary issue, more than the A, though the A just makes the whole situation hurt so much more. There is no hope of recovering the marriage without sobriety and that seems like a distant hope.

Jabber & LetSTry,<P>Thank you for your supportive and uplifting messages. I fell back into my "funk" a few weeks ago, and I'm having trouble climbing back out. Seems I can't grieve without letting go of the few anchors I developed for myself. Really some self-defeating behaviors going on here, despite all the work I did for my case.<P>Why do I abandon the very things that hold me sane and practical? I leave my established routines to feel sorry for myself and pine for my loss. It bothers me to no end my husband seems so cool and "together." He is having a great time, while I try to turn away from feeling bitter and hopeless. He is still intact, and I have been raped of my self-esteem and respect. It really ticks me off for all the abuse I accepted in our marriage, thinking he'd surely change. No, he get to philander about some more, arrogant and haughty in his social position that forgives and accepts his destructive vices. I gave my life away to this man. I gave all of me, inside and out, to make him happy. I took all my identity away, because I thought that's what you did to "become one." Now he's the life of the party, and I have no party to go to. He's Mr. Popular, and I'm a wall flower. He makes all the money, and I have to scrounge and beg so I can feed our son. I'm cut off physically, emotionally, and financially. He even "broke up" with me by email, as if we had just been going steady for the past 14 years, all because he refused to quit drinking and treat me better. In his mind, he never did anything wrong but exercise his "rights."<P>Yes, I'm jealous. I'm angry. I'm depressed. And I still have that insane hope that he will wake up and see what he's done to his family. I'm so afraid of being alone, but that's what I've been living for almost a year. I'm afraid of failure, but I've done that too, big-time. I hate that I think having my abusing, alcoholic, self-centered, egotistical, manipulative husband is better than having no husband at all (I hear the Al-Anoners gasping). And you know what? I'm the one who filed. Yep. He went on for weeks how he couldn't stand me and wanted to divorce, but he wouldn't talk to me, help me, or file the papers. So, I did. And now, I'm not talking to him. He had his chance. I'm not some puppet he can toy with. I'm not some needy mongrel he can hold at bay. I am a force to be reckoned with.<P>Thank God I recognize faulty logic and can still force myself to do what's right, no matter how depressed I feel. And my feelings are just all over the map right now. I know it's OK to be weak at times, but I cannot let him see me as that. My lawyer called me yesterday. He loved the way I organized the mandatory forms and information. He wants me to come in and talk again about what I want in terms of a settlement. He wants a clearer picture now that negotiations are about to begin. I was dismayed that he was not terribly interested in my box of copious information, my incriminating evidence. Ha! Fat chance of using that. Florida's a no-fault state (whose no-brainer was that one?), and they don't give a crap about adultery, abuse (unless you're visably injured), or taking advantage of one's own family for personal gain. No, my husband's lawyer wants us all to convene and negotiate informally. OK, I guess, but I won't sit in the same room as Mr. Happy. I'm really apprehensive about this phase of the divorce process. Gosh, I feel like I'm being discarded, like trash.<P>OK, I'll be alright in a while; I usually am. Menopause? Been there for a while, probably more than a year. I'm bipolar, so the mood swings come frequently, though my meds do help. I'm told my husband will one day crash and burn in Alcoholand. Pity I won't be sticking around for the show. I'm planning on planning a new life away from here, closer to my family. For right now, all I can do is plan one day at a time, sometimes just one hour at a time. I know this is long; I have trouble with long posts myself. If you made it this far, blessings to you. I appreciate the comfort.<P>Pass the estrogen,<BR>Nell

Nell, You found my post "uplifting"? Boy you must really be in a "funk"! But please take care of yourself. You're the only one who can do it. Do you go to Al-Anon? People there would understand how you feel that "having [your] abusing, alcoholic, self-centered, egotistical, manipulative husband is better than having no husband at all." I certainly understand. My H is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is as you describe, but he is also the opposite: kind hearted, generous, humble, intelligent, and a lot of fun to be with. That's why it's so hard to let go.<P>This state is no-fault too. It's frustrating that "they don't give a crap about adultery, abuse (unless you're visably injured), or taking advantage of one's own family for personal gain," which are all issues in my case as well. Actually, I was able to get a temporary restraining order even though there was no physical abuse (but enough threatening, hostile, and intimidating behavior in front of witnesses to convince a judge) and next Tuesday, it will be made permanent since my H's lawyer says my H isn't contesting it. <P>I'm also the one filing while he's living with his girlfriend for free in his parent's trailer at the beach. His contention is that he's destitute and permanently and totally disabled. He has his lawyer totally snowed. He tells her he loves me and would never harm me and can't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing (I guess he means "stealing" our business from him, which would have been impossible if he'd actually been functioning there) and he must have really hurt me. His lawyer told mine what a "nice" guy he is.<P>How come his niece and nephew who we raised for the past 4 years don't ever want to see him again? How come many of our employees have said they'd quit if he returns and gave my lawyer statements and went to court with me to prevent that very thing from happening? How come a 48 year old man has been having an secret affair for 3+ years with a 22 year old girl?<P>We have no choice but to take care of ourselves and move on with our lives, treating others as we want to be treated and, as you said, living one day at a time, because that's really all there is anyway.<p>[This message has been edited by LetSTry (edited June 30, 2001).]

Well OK, maybe not exactly uplifting. There's comfort in numbers was what I was shooting for. I haven't been to Al-Anon in a long time, and let me tell you why. They cry way, way too much for their alcoholics on the other side of our door in the AA meeting. It is profoundly depressing to me, and I'm already wired for major depression. The people in AA do a much better job focusing on themselves in healthy ways that promote goodwill. So, I think I'll go back to those rooms tomorrow and reevaluate my stance. I'll let you know the climate.<P>12-Steppin',<BR>Nell

Nell, I've been to those kind of meetings. A good Al-Anon meeting, IMHO, encourages members to talk about themselves, not the alcoholic(s) in their lives. That's what the program's all about. Sometimes there'll be a lot of people in crisis or newcomers really hurting and it can get kind of heavy, but it isn't like that all the time. If it is, and it's just adding to your depression, please find yourself another meeting. Who needs any more cause for depression than we've already got? Let me know how it goes.