please, someone let me know if i am going crazy!<P>in the middle of february, my unusually moody husband started doing little things to show me that he was unhappy in our marriage. then one day, he just flat-out told me that he didn't love me any more, that he wished we had never gotten married, that he would file the divorce papers and start the procedure -- after 10 years of being together!<P>i was shocked! i knew that we had not been "connecting" and, truthfully, i was also dissatisfied. however, the thought of not being in love with my H or that we couldn't work out whatever was not working never crossed my mind! <P>a week or so passed after that "bomb" was dropped. i begged my H to talk to me, to tell me what could be done to make our marriage work. you see, i had hope. he had none. yet he never filed the initial divorce papers and he continued to share our bed with me -- opposite sides, of course. on the other hand, his actions began to take on this feeling of complete abandon -- he acted as though he were already divorced! i was in complete emotional turmoil. <P>nearer the end of february, he did the unthinkable: he took another woman (someone i've never met, never heard of) "up north" for a weekend, to visit his brothers, no less. (he now says that it was a mistake on his part, but that she is and never was a sexual interest -- just a drinking buddy). i was so distraught that i saw a lawyer and had the papers drawn up and served.<P>that's when the anger, bitterness, madness began... angry words were exchanged, nasty things were done (on both our parts) and i forced him to leave our home. <P>he moved in with some friends (and i use the term loosely, because the seem not to give a sh** about me, only care about him). <P>weeks later, after hardly exchanging a civil word, my H called to tell me that he was wrong -- he does love me and wanted to try to work it out. i was, needless to say, extremely relieved to hear this! i never stopped loving him; i was just SO HURT by his actions.<P>well, the reconciliation has been a very slow process... after that inital phone call, very little effort has been put in on his part. no calls (unless i call him) and no "explanation" for WHAT HAPPENED!? i have been trying to be very patient -- not a virtue that i have been well-endowed with. <P>so, i found the marriage builders web site and was intrigued by what i saw. i realized that my H and i were not the only people to go through this "loss of love!" what a revelation! so i made multiple printouts of the material on the site and borrowed two of dr. harley's books from the library and presented them to my H. i filled out the emotional needs questionnaire and made a copy of my H to fill out. and amazingly, he did! (it didn't, however, reveal anything more than what i already knew.) but it got my H thinking about WHAT HAPPENED!? <P>now i have been being as much of a GIVER as i can be and my TAKER has been tearing my mind apart! all of my friends and family warn me about not protecting myself and letting my H "take advantage"; yet i know that i have to be the one to get my husband to come out of withdrawl -- i have to be a giver or my taker will take over the situation which will then end in the divorce that still looms over our heads (our preliminary hearing is scheduled for late june). <P>so i feel as though i am going crazy! my H is willing (when he feels like it) to talk about fulfilling each others needs (expressed in the questionnaires we went through together), yet he won't move back home. the house is on the market and my H is currently looking for an apartment. i have been trying very hard to fulfill his number one and number two emotional needs (sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship were what he ranked as most important)... but i often feel more like a "woman for hire" than a wife. and i am having a hard time getting my H to understand how much i need my number one emotional need fulfilled -- affection. <P>am i doing the right thing in trying to be the "giver" and doing my best to fulfill what he identified as his most important emotional needs? is it ok for me to wait to get my needs fulfilled while he gradually gets more comfortable with our "new" relationship? i am trying gradually to introduce the "policy of joint agreement"; but that is very difficult with us being physically separated and seemingly going separate ways. <P>the hardest for me, though, has got to be the fact that my H keeps telling me that he's "not getting his hopes up" and that i should not, either. he is still "not sure how things are going to end up." i hate the feeling of fighting a self-fulfilling prophecy -- but i don't know if that is because my H needs "time" to get out of the withdrawl stage.<P>to make matters worse, i am feeling very badly about not being able to trust my H because of the not-so-distant past. i want so much to do so, but i don't want to be made a fool of again, either!<P>please help me... i need advice from those who are further along in this process than i am. thanks....

Dear S.G.<BR>No you are not going crazy! However, I'm sure you feel like it some days. Maybe reading post on this web site will help. I found it to be very helpful with all my questions of WHY things happen and if I'm doing the right thing. The advise I received here was one of the best things that happened to me.<P>In your post you stated "you didn't want to be made a fool of again". That doesn't happen to someone that trys to make a marriage work. The FOOL (if there is one) is not you.<P>A close friend of mine had a situation like yours. She made up her mind to be strong and follow through with her plans to make the marriage work no matter how bad it hurt.<BR>When he wanted out of the marriage, she said "good-bye let me help you pack". When he went off with another women for the weekend, she rented the top floor of the house (his weight room and hobby shop),always ending every conversation with "I love you Dear". Never raising her voice and always speaking very respectful.She knew in her heart that letting him go was the only way.She showed her husband she could make it without him. And again always telling him how much she loved him.She never allowed her husband to return for visits (sex). She told him it was all or nothing, no in-between. He had to feel he had lost her before he came back.<P>COMING BACK! Her terms only. Counseling was a must for one year or more.She was dealing with no trust because of the other woman and being left after years of marriage.Their year was up 6 months ago and they are still going.<P>She called this her version of Tough Love in A Marriage.<P>This will not work for everyone because there are so many factors to consider. However,now they have a wonderful marriage, better than ever she says. The other woman is never talked about. Her love is stronger than the bad memories she has.