Today, I sit here at this computer wondering if all of the hard work and time I have put into our marriage has all been for nothing. I truly believe that I have put my heart and soul into our relationship. If I could think of any changes I would've made, I probably could count them on one hand. And in the last 3 months I have given everything I have. I have been more thoughtful, more concerned for his feelings and opinions, more tolerable to him going out often without me and coming home very late, more tolerable to him not helping with housework or picking up after himself, and even more patient with him refusing sex because he feels it's manipulation. I have basically changed myself to allow for the changes and "depression" he is going through. <P>I do not want this to sound negative because I love my husband very much and would not trade our marriage for anything, but our marriage as it was, has changed. The "agreements" and compromises we each made equally are now up in the air. I have compromised a lot and felt nothing in return. Dr. Harley talks about "Love Banks" and giving and taking. Well, my husband's love bank is full and mine seems to be getting very low. I don't receive feedback from him about anything...not even if I plainly ask. My question to everyone is, how long do I sit back and accept my "new" marriage while my husband takes advantage? The last thing I want is a separation. That's why I'm giving so much. But when do I step up and say "this isn't fair to me! I have needs that need met too." Right now, all of my needs have taken a seat to my husband's...and I know he realizes this. But he shows no signs of caring or offering to change it.<P>So please, someone tell me what to do. I do not want to upset the situation any more. I want a compromise and a loving marriage again.<P>compromising

compromising:<P>You've been in Giver's mode too long, and your Taker is getting ready to emerge. And it's probably not going to be pretty.<P>You don't accept your new marriage. You say you've compromised. I suggest that you read the sections and Q & A's on "the Policy of Joint Agreement" and "the Rule of Honesty". The POJA isn't used to "compromise". You must reach decisions that are ENTHUSIASTICALLY AND MUTUALLY AGREEABLE to both you and your husband. You're not doing this. You're giving without getting what you need.<P>The POJA can lead to what you're feeling, if you're not careful. On partner can "give" too much. That's where the Rule of Complete Honesty comes in: you must continually let your spouse know EVERYTHING, both good and bad, in your life. You must continually let your husband know if he's not living up to what you need (without lovebusters, of course). He needs to learn to listen and you need to follow through on plans. If all this fails (and counseling might be necessary to coach both of you through this process), a separation could be in order. But I think you can address things now and avoid that pain.

I find myself in a very similar situation. The issue here seems to be timing. The title of this thread, "Getting worse?", also points to the issues of how long do you work on a problem without seeing results.<P>Compromising:<P>You have said that you have tried everything for the last three months. Is this the total time of your efforts? If it is, then more patience is probably in order. Most of the profound marriage problems we are dealing with run very deep and it takes time to see results. I know its hard. I'm into four months now. Although some progress has been made, having patience to work on the remaining problems (no sex) is very difficult.<P>K:<P>I am familiar with your story. You continue to represent the best example of patience that I know of. You have been a real support to me. Just when I think I've had it so bad for these last four months and I am so discouraged, I think of you and know that this can be done. I know that you have been waiting for close to two years for the same thing I am. Like Compromising, I ask, how do you find the patience to let these things work?

You find the patience because you must... My husband (friends for 25 years, married for 10, 3 young children) and I have been separated for 8 months now because I got "fed up" and asked him to leave... BIG mistake. <BR> Although he reluctantly agreed to go "work on his issues" alone, I never anticipated what would happen next. We expected to see each other 3-4 times per week, talk every day. I expected to continue to support him in his struggle... Well I got to do all that (in addition to now being a single parent), but he now found time to have an affair, "trash" me in front of our friends and family and, if you can believe this, disown his teenage stepdaughter (my daughter from my first marriage). <BR> Seems that his difficulties had little to do with our marriage (eventhough they obviously affected it). He was under stresses I was not aware of. Why he chose not to share them with me, we still haven't sorted out. I saw his withdrawl and failure or reluctance to meet my needs as a sign that he was withdrawing from me, when if fact, there was a war going on inside his head that he didn't want to "burden" me with. He says he found it easier not to communicate with me becouse he was trying to protect me from his own dilemna. When I asked him to leave, he saw this as me rejecting him in his darkest hour. His angry, desperate "retaliation" surprised us all. <BR> Now that he has healed somewhat he wants to negotiate a "new marriage" BUT he is so "embarrassed" by how he behaved towards us that he cannot bring himself to return home. <BR> He knows that all those "things" he did were wrong, but he can't forgive himself for doing them. More healing is needed.<BR> Conclusion? Patience and more patience is probably what's called for and if you absolutely need to separate or take other "drastic" actions... be prepared that the worst may be yet to come. In the meantime press on for honesty and give as much as you reasonably can. I think it is the only way.<BR>KK

WOW!!! It sounds like some of you may be going through some of the same things that i have just started to experience. I believe that my H and I have just identified that we have a real marriage problem in the last month. It is so hard to give all of the time and recieve nothing. My H has just decided that he is not "in love " with me any more but I refuse to believe that. We have been married for 3 years and have a 1 year old daughter. My H is also very impatient and I am not sure how long he will be willing to say he is working on things. I know that he is having alot of problems inside his head that he does not want to share. He is 31 and I am about 4 years younger and I feel like maybe he is going through a early MLC. <BR>All of the comments on this topic have given me a little hope just because maybe it will help me hang in longer. It is just so hard to be doing all of the giving.<P>Christine

Compromising,<P>I spent many years trying to tolerate, be understanding, be supportive... while my husband went out without me, stayed out late, and refused sex... I always told myself, "well, things will get better when he's happier with his job" or "things will get better when we get a new house" or "things will get better when..." fill in the blank. I thought he was "depressed", and he needed these "distractions" to feel better. And that I was doing the best thing by being "understanding". At nights when I was home alone with my dog and cat (I didn't go out much 'cause he didn't like that) I would chant to myself "I want him to be with me because he WANTS to be with me" and "I WILL NOT be a nag" over and over. Well, guess what happened... I became a nag. I didn't understand all these feelings, I thought I was doing something wrong, he convinced me that I was wrong to want or need or feel the things I did. I certainly wasn't perfect, but I spent a lot more time in "giver mode" than "receiver". In the last few years I have snapped, and it's not pretty. I wish this kind of information found here had been more easily available when I was in the earlier stages... I think my husband might have been much more approachable and open to the concepts presented at this site several years ago... he's not very open to this stuff now. In my case, I now believe that alcohol played a big part in the gradual distancing that happened between us ( I didn't see that at the time), and I believe alcohol is contributing to our inability to make much progress now. I hope that is not the case with your husband. I don't have much other advice except try to introduce your husband to the concepts presented by this site, maybe he will be open to trying. I just replied because what your going through sounds so much like what I've experienced.<P>God Bless.