As you can see from my previous posts, my husband and I are currently going through a lot of bad stuff and just this week he decided he wants a separation, so we are going to try and in-house separation. He indicated that during the separation, things would be different. For example, no phone calls to each other everyday, no physical contact, no I Love You's, etc. But we would still have dinner together as a family and still take the weekend trip we have coming up in July. Well, I have been sticking to Plan A, NO LB's, keeping my distance in the house, doing a lot of stuff with our kids, just basically keeping busy and giving him his space because that is what he wants/needs right now. It eems when I start up basic conversation, he is very blah so I gave that up so I don't LB. I basically don't speak unless spoken to. Well, everyday this week he has called me at work just to see what I was doing and to let me know how his day was going. Which is fine but it is confusing for me because when he calls me because we talk like there is nothing wrong but as soon as he gets home, he becomes very quiet and will hardly look at me much less talk.<P>Anyways, twice this week I left work early to clear my head because I felt I could possibly LB if I didn't and I am really working hard on not LB'ing so I can save my marriage. Since we are "in-house separated" and he is planning on moving out at the end of July, I didn't think I needed to call him and tell him I was leaving work early. So he again tried to call me at work and I was not there, so he tried me at home and on my cell but I did not answer. He leaves me a message on my cell phone that says "I TRIED YOU AT WORK, I HAVE TRIED YOU AT HOME AND NOW I HAVE TRIED YOU ON YOUR CELL PHONE AND YOU HAVE NOT ANSWERED, I GUESS I SEE WHERE WE ARE GOING WITH THIS, I WILL SEE YOU AT HOME LATER." Can somebody maybe give me some insight. I am not sure how to interpret this message. He is the one that wanted the "in-house separation" but everytime I leave the house for a walk, to take my kids somewhere or the market, it drives him nuts and has to call to find out what I am doing and when I will be home. You see, I am starting to do a lot of things for myself now before anybody else and that is very out of the norm for me. <P>When I got home, he arrived home a few minutes later and I told him that I was at Target and the grocery store and my cell phone does not get service in either location. The rest of the night, he was very quiet towards me if I made simple conversation but if he wanted to talk, he was just fine. Though it was hard/frustrating, I did not LB at all. <P>Can someone help me make heads or tails of his behavior?<P>He is off work today and he has already called me twice this morning. Which again, I do not mind but it is very confusing for me and I am trying to stick to Plan A and start moving on with myself healing and the kids because he does say that he is moving at the end of July so I don't want to get my hopes up that his behavior this week is a good sign. I have been let down so many times before in the past 4 months. Just when I think it starts going good, one of us LB's. Usually me. HELP!<BR>

Your husband's behavior indicates that he is struggling with powerful feelings of insecurity. If he moves out, life should get...interesting...for him.<P>I can't guess exactly what he is afraid of, but he's afraid of <I>something</I>. When he calls you, or when he initiates a conversation with you, he's fine because he's the one directing the conversation and he feels in control. When you are in close proximity at home, and when <I>you</I> initiate a conversation with <I>him</I>, he doesn't know what to expect, and so he puts up all his protections in case you say or do something he doesn't think he can deal with.<BR>

GnomeDePlume --<P>I completely agree with you. We have been battling this out for 4 months now and he is torn on staying or leaving. He has basically become a "shell" of a man. Before I put Plan A into action, we would go around and around about if he really wants to leave and his answer is "that is how it has to be". He can never say "YES" he wants to leave but can say he does not have the strength to fight about our problems anymore. Before this week, he was always saying he really wanted to work it out but does not know how. I know a lot of his problems in this past 4 months were my LB'ing and I explained to him that it is something I am working on personally and to just give me a chance to make the changes I need to make. He then comes back with "Why do you think you can change now?" and "I wish you could have fought this hard for our marriage sooner". I never knew before how bad he was hurting and how much I was hurting him until just recently. Now that I am making a concerted effort to make the changes I need to make, I feel like it is too late. He tells me he still loves me and is still "in-love" with me but he doesn't know how to get past this and thinks that being alone is what he needs. When I leave him alone and stick with my Plan A, he appears to be threatened by the fact that I can just let things roll off my back now. You see, I am a very strong minded/willed person who always speaks her mind and I am not doing that anymore because I have realized it is a big LB for him. I am also someone who always makes sure everybody else is happy for myself and now that I am putting myself first, its seems to "scare" him.<P>I just really need to know what I should do and if I am doing it right?<P>Should we continue with the in-house separation?<P>I really believe deep in my heart that he really wants to work this out but is in a really "bad" place right now and is not willing to seek help. He is completely against counseling or even reading any of the materials from MB's but does know that I am reading it and it does sit next to my bed. Which is intentional in case he should get curious. In fact, some of the MB materials that are by my bed were in a different order the other day. Maybe he did read some of them. HE would never tell me though.<P>Also, now everything I do that is out of the norm for me, he questions. Is that his insecurity too?

This is EXACTLY the reason people should give their existing marriages every single opportunity to work out. We often forget about the innocent children and its impact on them. I am now trying to get my wife to see the future impact on them as well as US. Sometimes there is a point of no return. However, I do agree that vows to an affair partner are not vows. I hope I wasnt too harsh and I understand your feelings. I hope that it works out for you. I dont believe that the children rightful family staying intact will harm them. I think that it may benefit down the road. Of course, it may be too late for that. I sure hope that MY wife considers this before we divorce in a year. I will be praying for you and your family.

I've seen people say this before but your story really parallels with mine and I've not experienced that before! Anyway, I don't have too much to say except... keep the eternal perspective.<P>Keep working on yourself - (it's like Love Must Be Tough principles) and he will respond with insecurity that you're becoming so independent. But you have to go THROUGH the independence to get to the interdependence phase of life. Many people when getting close to "inter"dependence freak out because it reminds them a LOT of "dependence" where you really need each other to survive. Interdependence is a choice - you choose to submit to each other but you also have the ability to make it on your own. <P>My recommendation during this immensely confusing time, don't think too much about it. Take one day at a time, keep working on yourself. Before you know it things may turn around. But again, you sound a lot like me in that you're trying to analyze and make sense out of all of it. Do not at this point... Just be... continue working on yourself and gaining your own sense of inner freedom. Keep working on those LBs because anyway, whether he sep/div you or not, they will make you a better person.<P>I see from your profile that you're out in LaVerne... I was just in Monrovia for a conference this week. Now I'm back in Chicago... but we lived in Glendora for a while before going overseas.<P>Keep hangin' on! Don't read too much into his actions as Gnome says, he's confused and insecure. He has to take that long journey alone in order to come through it... it may be a separation, even divorce for him to realize who he is and what he wants. You can do it... you said it yourself, you are strong. Just be strong for the hour, the day and not more... BE in the moment!<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Never follow children, or animal acts on Ed Sullivan...and never follow OvrCs posting here! Nice post again. Some interesting insights I had not thought of.<P>The in-house spearation I think serves the purpose of keeping control of the relationship...just in case. I wasn't able/about to do that, and I think it was a mistake on my part. You MUST establish that independence thing, there is a further implication that you will 'stay in your place and wait for me' that is going to establish itself if you don't. Leaving work early obviously interfered with the program, good for you! Yes, and your cell phone might just develop some battery troubles, where it won't work for hours at a time. Strange things happen to women in your shoes. You never know, now, do you?

My H also had trouble believing I could change so that our marriage would improve. He kept breaking things off with OW but then would go back to her in a weak moment- she constantly was telling him she'd be a better wife to him etc. and running me down to him. My problem was the opposite of yours- I had let myself go after baby #3 and didnt spend enough time with H, was too passive, indecisive, etc. After he confessed his A, I re-did my entire wardrobe ( lost 15lbs on the famous infidelity diet!) , began to work on my confidence and my mood swings. H was confused thinking I was just doing it as an 'act' then would revert back later. It wasnt till near the 5 mo point after d-day that he began to see my changes were for real and that our marriage COULD be much better! Now in the last few wks he has decided to make some changes himself too- maybe your H needs more time to think about the whole big picture. lifeismessy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sballplyr:<BR><B>Before I put Plan A into action, we would go around and around about if he really wants to leave and his answer is "that is how it has to be".</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In other words, he refuses to take responsibility for his own decisions.<P>My wife used this kind of language. In her case, I believe she felt she was losing her sense of self. She felt that if she didn't get away, she would cease to exist. For her, this was a matter of survival, and questions about what she wanted, or what was right, were meaningless.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Should we continue with the in-house separation?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It doesn't look to me as if you really <I>have</I> a separation. Your husband is not playing by his own rules. Since he's the one who asked for the "separation" in the first place, I don't know what you can do.<P>I guess if I were in your shoes I would just stick with the agreed-upon rules myself, and let my spouse do whatever. I would Plan A and try to wait things out.<P>But I don't really intend that as advice. I really don't know what's best in your situation.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Also, now everything I do that is out of the norm for me, he questions. Is that his insecurity too?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by GnomeDePlume (edited July 02, 2001).]

Well it has been two weeks since I have put Plan A in full force. My husband and I have been getting along better than we have in months. I have not LB'd at all and have just been moving along like everything is ok. I have basically accepted things the way they are right now. We have even gone out to dinner with friends (his form of protection) 3 times in the past two weeks and we have had a good time. He also seems a lot happier in the last two weeks. He no longer appears to be a shell of a man. He actually smiles and jokes again.<P>This past Saturday, for the first time since all of our problems started, he approached me and said "Can I ask you something without getting mad?" I said of course. His question was "Why am I acting like things between us are back to normal?" I of course wasn't sure what he meant until he told me that this past week I have called him "BABE" and "HONEY" a couple of times. Well I guess for me it is just habit and I never thought he would assume I thought things were back to normal. I mean come on, we sleep in separate rooms and don't even kiss or touch anymore. When he leaves for work, I am lucky to get a "See You Later" where before I would get a kiss goodbye and an "I Love You." I expressed to him that I by no means feel everything is normal. I also told him that he is the one that has been calling me everyday at work since he said we wouldn't be doing that anymore. He also pointed out that the last time we talked, he would be moving out at the end of July and now I am acting like things are fine again. So I asked him, "Are you moving out at the end of July?" He said that is beside the point. I also asked him if our goal was still reconciliation and his answer was his infamous "I don't know." I told him not to be afraid of this working out and that I am still working on myself to change the things that I know are LB's for him. I also said to him it seems like he is looking for the bad things in me and since in the last two weeks he hasn't been able to find anything, he has to take me calling him "BABE" and "HONEY" as being bad. I also let him know that I can't change overnight and to give this time. He was very open with me for the first time in a long time.<P>Anyway, what am I to make of all this?<P>Is he scared?<P>Is he confused?<P>Do you think he wants to reconcile but doesn't know how?<P>Now that I pointed out he has been the one calling me everyday, he of course has stopped. Which is fine with me. He also makes little comments that imply that he is not really leaving.<P>If anyone can give me insight on this, that would be greatly appreciated.<P>Michele<BR>sballplyr <P><p>[This message has been edited by sballplyr (edited July 11, 2001).]

Again last night, I am still Plan A'ing like nobody's business. Now it seems that because I am not letting things bother me and I always appear that nothing is wrong, he is always asking why am I grumpy today. When in reality I am not. Is he trying to pick a fight? Is it his form of striking up conversation? Or does he want to see if I will break?<P>This is really confusing, is there anything else I should be doing or do I just keep Plan A'ing. I want nothing more than everything to be good again but WOW this is hard.<P>I guess I am just having a really frustrating day today and feel like I could LB and thought I should come here for advice so I can prevent a LB.<P>Thanks for listening again.<P>Michele

Hi Michelle...<P>Believe it or not... this is great news. You're pulling him from "withdrawal" back into the "conflict" stage of marriage. The final/first stage is "intimacy". Now, you know what is going on, you've stated it yourself.<P>He may be "testing" you to see if the changes you're trying to make are sustainable. YOU need to work on that for yourself... this is not just a cosmetic job you're doing here. You need to make changes for not only you and him but between you and the children. If he sees you controlling typical love-busters in all of your relationships, he will begin to trust in them again. <P>Now, you will need to come up with a plan for handling things that really bother you instead of stuffing them down. How I've handled that is definitely NOT deal with it in the moment. Maybe I wait until the end of the day or the next day or when I can sense from him, by small talk, that he's open to receiving that information from me. I used to just say when I felt like it whether he was ready or not... big lovebuster.<P>Then, you'll need to phrase your concerns/issues in "I" statements. "I feel this ... I sense this... It bothers me when I feel this is happening, could you help me understand?" Another phrase that has helped me a lot is, "Would you be willing to..." rather than "Why don't you ever do ..." or worse "I want this done."<P>It's a matter of treating someone politely... something I never learned at home - well not really, anyway. So, I've learned it in the big wide world! <P>Oh, and one more thing... don't point out anything that you see that he's doing that is progress... just give him that and enjoy it when he does it. Or, what you can do, is simply acknowledge something... like it was a big lovebuster for me that I used to have to clean up everything and then would blow up when everyone would leave things around for me to clean up. I told him that one of my emotional needs is orderliness in the form of domestic support. I NOTICED the very next day him helping to clean up the boys' toys. I was so touched! He heard me and responded... I didn't say anything until later and only in passing, "Oh, thanks for helping me clean up the living room." as I was passing him by. I didn't want to put him on the spot... but I also wanted to acknowledge it.<P>Now, what you need to plan is a NEW way of communicating with your H over everything. Think through the things that used to just bug you... think of a NEW response of how you can act... it has to be a plan and done consistently over time. <P>Remember, it may get as bad as him threatening you with moving out or formal separation. STAY YOUR GROUND! Anyway, you want to be a good, kind and considerate person don't you? Remember the cr@ppy stuff happens in life and you have a choice... taking the high road with God's help or the low road - thinking only of yourself and your losses or potential losses. Separation and the end of your marriage IS NOT THE END OF YOU, just the end of your circumstances as you now know it... hopefully, you will be able to rise above and try the high road... while your H can decide to change his mind.<P>Be kind and seek peace. It will bring you joy in the end! Keep us posted! Gotta run!<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Michele,<BR> Nicole has what I think is the 'skinny' on your sit. I agree completely. I can plug myself into H's shoes, and I'd be putting those feelers out there just like that!<BR> Here is a secret about men: We puff up, and act like we don't care, and have no feelings...and inside we are more 'cream-puffy' than you are ...when it comes to relationships. You get confused, because it looks the same as the stuff we do to each other. (which is BS, too, BTW...just that we usually mean it!) He is proud...I keep harping on that because it is a lot of the reson why many of us are here. Pride. Not kismet, or 'I don't love you'....its 'I've painted myself into a corner, and don't know how to get out.' Michele...did you 'start this' in his mind? If so, then he is wanting you to 'finish it'...one way, or the other. I am not saying he's right...but these things occur to me...I try to get into the situation as best I can given the circumstances...draw on experiences I have had with people, and reach some conclusions. The conclusion I reach with your sit is that he feels like he is standing on some principle of his, and you have yet to respond. Having said that, your virtuoso performance in Plan A has moved him...you are more important to him that whatever value he is upholding by leaving you. Ordinarily, at some point after he leaves, Plan B would be wise. First of all, he probably won't leave...July still has two weeks in it, and you are less than that into it with outstanding results. He probably won't be able to 'last' in the face of your Plan A. The <I>problem</I> is that the value he is upholding is <B>still</B> important to him. Do you have <I>any</I> idea what it could be...think...I'm fairly certain your marriage depends on it. God bless you, I think you are doing <I><B>very</I></B> well. -Mike.

Nicole and Mike,<P>Again you have provided me great advice and support and I thank you for that. You are both very special people to me and to a lot of people on this board.<P>I am going to continue with the advice you have both given me in these recent postings. <P>Nicole --<P>I think you are completely correct in saying I have to do this for myself. In the end, whatever the result may be, I will be a better person. I do think my husband is trying to test me to see if I am "FOR REAL" or not. Believe me, I want nothing more than to work this out so I know I am "FOR REAL". For example, last night I had to pick him up from work because we are finally getting our other car fixed. Anyway, the whole way home (40 minute drive), he and I talked and carried on conversation like we were the happiest couple in the world. Sharing our days at work talking about this weekend, just everything, it was wonderful. Anyway, this morning, he left for work without saying good-bye or anything, like he was mad at me. He seems to gets really scared/distant right after we have had a great day or conversation. Normally, I would have called him by now and pointed out that he did not even say good-bye but I haven't and I won't because I know that is a LB for him. It has been a struggle for me to not "REACT" to certain things that would normally bother me and with advice from you, Mike and reading everything I can, I am learning to handle things a lot better.<P>Mike --<P>Again you are a truly wonderful person that always has great advice. I completely agree with you too that my husband feels like he has "painted himself in a corner" and needs me to pull him out. At this time, I just don't know how to get him back out. I am concentrating on Plan A'ing and I think that is helping a lot for myself and definitely him. I wish I really knew what principle of his that is causing the struggle for us to get past this very difficult time. I do know that his one HUGE problem with me is that I am generally a "Negative" person. What he/I mean by that is, I always look for the worst in every situation and that is just something I was raised with. I have expressed to him that I will not be able to change that overnight but in time, I can/will. In the two weeks I have been Plan A'ing, I have only lapsed in this once and it wasn't a LB for him but he did make sure to point it out to me. The other thing I notice that is happening is he is trying to take control of our relationship when in the past 8 years, I have always been the one that has controlled it. I never knew this bothered him and he kept it bottled up all these years and now it is just finally coming out.<P>Here are my big fears in all this "distance" we have put between us.<P>1. I am getting so used to not hearing the words "I Love You", am I going to be able to accept it again if/when he starts saying it again?<P>2. Now that I am becoming more independent and doing things for myself first, will I be able to be the person that dotes over him again?<P>3. Even though I am completely and totally in love with my H, will this "distance" he has put between us destroy that for me. What I mean by that is, I am getting so used to NOT BEING NEEDED by him, will I be accepting when he/we work through these current hurdles.<P>I guess my other real question is this -- How can a person (my husband) say he is still "totally in-love with me" and "completely attracted to me", not want to touch, hug, kiss, hold hands, make love or just call me everyday. This is the most confusing part for me.<P>Thanks again for listening and I look forward for anymore advice/support anyone can provide me.<P>Michele<BR>sballplyr<BR><p>[This message has been edited by sballplyr (edited July 12, 2001).]

I've read this and don't have time to respond right now... I will later... your growing from dependence to independence to INTER dependence which is a lot like both - it's scary... you feel independent yet there are dependency characteristics as well... More on this later...<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Sam wants to go swimming, but here is a short piece of observation...<BR> 1, 2, & 3...absolutley, you know that...this is that 'other shoe' you've been trained to look out for, that's all... you are bigger than your problems...for sure!<P>He is scared. He'd like nothing more in the world than to do all of those things, he just doesn't want to get hurt (ego/pride), and he can't stand this, either. Better to be cold, and distant, than to get negativity...LB.<P>Perhaps he takes your negative ruminating as a criticism...Nicole told someone...was it you? to start phrasing things in the first person, not the second...'I' vs. 'you', or even we...we spells you to him.<P>Maybe Nicole and I should open a site in Wheaton, and just let people come and vent, and get feedback.<P>You are still doing fine, Michele...keep telling that mountain to move...I see it moving...be patient. He's coming around. All in God's time, dear. Take care, give me some more info if you want, but I could say more, plus Nicole has a good bead on this. Talk to you later. -Mike

Hi Michelle...<P>How are you doing? I hope you had a better day today inspite of it being Friday the 13th... well, it was Friday the 13th.<P>Anyway, you sound like you are still having a lot of fears about the consequences of your H's behavior. Well, this is natural and there will be consequences. However, try to let the fear go... instead trust... trust in the good of the future and that's with God. You do sound like you like to be in control (takes one to know one) but there is one thing I've learned through all of this... it's SOOOOOOO MUCH easier to let it go and just go with the flow rather than all the extra work of trying to control it. <P>So, my thoughts are to examine those things you've stated, see where they come from inside of you and then just leave them aside... don't let them side-track you or distract you from your transformation in your lifestyle right now... in the Plan A process.<P><B>Mike</B> thanks for your words above... I've been ruminating on them for the past couple of days now. Your introspection into a man's heart is unbelievably articulate. You've helped many on this board. Now, I see you're onto a discussion with a WS... keep your head above water, though it seems personal, I don't think he means it... must be painful though. You're doing a great job!<P>Cheers all! Michelle, keep us posted!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

I AM READY TO JUST GIVE IT ALL UP!!!!<P>Can someone please remind me why I am plan A'ing my butt off? I am having a really bad day emotionally. We had our trip away this weekend and it went okay. I will admit that I had one LB this weekend but we managed to civily(sp?) talk through it which brought up a bunch of confusing stuff.<P>My biggest problem is this. He says we are 50/50 responsible for the problems that we are having. Well if that is the case, then why the @^&%$#W^$ am I the only one trying to change and make our relationship better again. Then, when things start going great/good again, he has to shoot me down and find something bad out of everything good that has been happening. What kind of mind games is he playing?<P>Why is HE so afraid of just letting this become a great relationship again?<P>Am I just spinning my wheels to make this good again only to be set up for the big hurt?<P>Is he really staying around because he wants to work it out or is he just waiting until he gets up the courage to leave?<P>I am in such a Catch 22 situation that it really sucks!! I am not allowed to act like things are back to normal between us because that bothers him (huge LB) but yet, I am alos not allowed to act like things are bothering me because that too bothers him (another huge LB). When I start doing things for myself and/or the kids without including him, that bothers him and he will call my cell phone within an hour of me leaving or just follow me around the house if I do something at home that does not include him. WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO IN THIS SITUATION???? I feel like I am playing a game that is never going to end and it sucks.<P>He actually admitted to me the other day that he stopped callying me everyday at work just to spite me/hurt me because I noticed he was making a good effort to keep the lines of communication open. Now he hasn't called me at work just to say hi ever since I noticed he was doing it.<P>I just want to feel like a wife, lover and best friend again instead of a roomate that is not allowed to have opinions or show emotions.<P>My H is fine when he initiates any form of contact or conversation but god forbid I do. I will either get a short answer or no answer at all. But I am not supposed to let that bother me. Is this part of his testing process to see if the changes I am making for myself are for real?<P>This all really sucks and if we are 50/50 responsible for our problems then why can't he start noticing what he is doing is still hurting me and start changing? He has told me that if he starts showing me affection and telling me "I Love You" again that I will assume that everything is okay. Well I know for a fact that is not true. We have a long way to go and I feel like I am trying to fix this alone.<P>He says he is still "IN-LOVE" with me and still attracted to me but only "sometimes" misses touching, holding, kissing or making love to me (which hasn't happened in 4 months now). WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE OF THAT?<P>The most affectionate attention I have gotten from him in the last four months was this Sunday when I literally split my head open when I bumped it on the playhouse in the backyard. Other than that, it has been the same old !@%#$#. I Plan A my butt off and he still ignores and doesn't change?<P>Is there still hope?<P>Am I being too impatient?<P>Thanks again for listening to me vent.<P>Michele<BR>sballplyr_21@yahoo.com

(((((Michele)))))<P>I haven't read any of your thread, only your last post, so I may be speaking way off base here.<P>I unsuccessfully plan A'd my @$$ off for a while and yes I heard that whole 50/50 speech and I dealt with all the testing/backsliding. Now I'm divorced and basically still using the plan "A" principles. Now my marriage ended but one thing I can tell you is that utilizing the plan "A" principles helped ME. I AM A BETTER PERSON and the people that really count, my children, can see who is the "good guy" in our case.<P>I guess the only advice that I can offer is to keep your overall goal in mind. The road is difficult to say the least but the reward is worth the effort.<P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Bill --<P>Thanks for the hug. I could really use one today. I agree that I will be a better person for myself and my kids by keeping this Plan A'ing up and I will continue to do it for myself.<P>My overall goal is to make my marriage work and I believe deep down in my heart that that is what my husband wants too or he would have left by now.<P>Thanks for your kind words and advice. I hope you are doing well yourself. I know this has been a bad month for you too. Take care.<P>((((((Bill))))))<P>Michele<BR>sballplyr_21@yahoo.com

I found this immensely helpful on the Emotional Needs board... thought you might like to see it... in reference to keeping the goal in mind...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I wrote a motivational message to myself on<BR>a small index card and put it in my pocket.<BR>Now, when I feel needy or get frustrated, <BR>I pull the note out and read it. Here's<BR>what I wrote:<P>I love my wife and I want her to be happy.<BR>I know she loves me and wants me to be happy.<BR>I will be patient and trust that she will meet<BR>my needs when she is ready. If I feel lonely<BR>or sad I will gently let her know. I know <BR>I am important to her. I will not make my <BR>needs more important to her with threats or <BR>demands.<P>It has helped a lot and I thought I would share the<BR>idea, although I certainly wasn't the one<BR>to orginally come up with it.<P>CleverName <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>When the ebb and flow of the daily craziness come into play, it's sometimes helpful to focus on what you're really trying to achieve... <P>Michelle, more than preserving your marriage (since it does take two), I'm encouraging you to Plan A just for yourself... just to be the woman God created you to be for your entire family not just your H - including your parents, and siblings and friends! That's been my biggest struggle... making Plan A work in all my relationships not just the one's that are threatened (i.e. my marriage)<P>Cheers!<BR>Nicole<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17