I have recently found this site and have posted in the "Other Topics" sections, trying to get some advise on how to save my failing marriage. Although I have received some great advice and suggestions, questions for the both of us to answer, and even worksheets, it nonetheless failed. Now that I am losing the one person I LOVE the most, and always will, I do not know how to cope with the loss. Yes, I have had some ill thoughts in passing, but they did just that, passed. How do you deal the complete emptiness, the loss of trust, friendship and love. What am I supposed to do next, where am I supposed to turn, and what happens next. I don't want to deal with the divorce, I guess I will let the attorney's do that, but emotionally I am hurting, and although I know that is to be normal, when will it stop, if ever. What will take it place, if anything. Help me to understand this better. Are there any support groups for this, like AA?

Hi DTS,<P>There are support groups for people who are divorcing at our mental health center. Maybe if you call yours they will sign you up or refer you someplace else that can help you.<P>The emotional pain is exquisitely intense and unrelenting. It does get better. Then it gets worse. Then it eases up. Then you're sobbing uncontrollably. Healing is not a linear process, and people jump back and forth through the stages of grief like popcorn. It gets better. From what you've written, I was where you are now about 4-6 weeks ago. It was awful. I was really suffering. It seems like a year ago, but I'll try to remember what I did to cope, as meager as it was. I tried to "focus on myself" as everyone was telling me. Those words made me puke, because I just wanted to obsess over what was not to be. I tried to save my marriage like you, over the course of 4 or 5 years. It failed. I did my best, but I think this is for the best. Anyway, whenever I dropped my son off to spend the weekend with his father, I went to the mall and got my nails done. I usually ran into a department store and bought something from the sales rack. That gave me a little boost for a day or two. I exercised every night, too. I did strengthening exercises, lifted weights, and ran the neighborhood. That helped a little more on a continuum. I took my son to the matinee a few times. Often, we rented videos and ordered pizza. <P>I kept telling myself to keep busy. I couldn't stop thinking about my husband, but at least it wasn't so intense any more. Have you had the mental "picture show" yet? Those images and flashbacks of your marriage that appeared like a photo album? For me, that lasted 2 or 3 weeks, and it was killer. I too, felt the pain of "what do I do next?" I still don't know. All I know is, all I have to do is today, and that's it. And tomorrow, all I'll have to do then is today. Sometimes, all I can go is hour by hour. And I don't know where I'm going or in what shape I'll be in when I arrive, but I'll try to get ready for it in the meantime. I just spent 2 solid weeks amassing information for my lawyer, my husband's lawyer, and the court. I spent about $100 at Kinko's, too. Sometimes it made me really sad, and other times I remembered why I was doing what I was doing when I looked at all my documents, evidence, and journals.<P>And that's another thing. Write. Writing takes the suffering from your brain, down your arm, through your pen, and down onto the paper. It's almost magical. It's as good as a 5K run as far as blowing off negative energy and steam. Some sittings I wrote 12-20 pages, blubbering all the way through. You have to write a lot to feel any relief, but you will--guaranteed.<P>Most folks on another board I frequent take antidepressant medications. These wonderful drugs help so much, they really do. Most people do well on a short-term regime, and the newer medications are relatively safe. Make an appointment and ask your doctor about them. There's no reason for you to suffer so pitifully as you wrote about. No Joan of Arc medals are given out for divorce done in valor.<P>I don't go around telling a lot of people this, but I consulted a couple of psychics, too. It rested my mind more than anything else. I went here <A HREF="http://www.keen.com/default.asp" TARGET=_blank>http://www.keen.com/default.asp</A> and selected who I thought was a credible psychic for a reasonable price. It was a phone reading, but the information was incredible and very, very accurate, especially about my past relatives. Really scarey stuff, but what a complete comfort I felt! If you're on AOL, they have free psychics set up in chat rooms, but people are selected at random out of 40 or more hopefuls. The psychics work 2 hour shifts and do 15-20" readings.<P>Well, that was my bag of tricks. Do things for yourself that you enjoy, and pamper yourself a little bit. You're emotionally injured and frail right now, so try to keep extraneous responsibilities at a minimum. Good luck.<P>I feel your pain,<BR>Nell

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by depressedtowersniper:<BR><B>Are there any support groups for this, like AA?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>dts ---<P>I've been trying to write to you, but the Internet connections both at work and problems with the MB site have caused problems. Hopefully it'll go through this time.<P>Yes, there are support groups.<P>A group that might be able to provide some initial intervention and support for you is "The Beginning Experience". <A HREF="http://www.beinfo.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.beinfo.com/</A> <P>To quote from their website: "Beginning Experience is an international support program for divorced, separated and<BR>widowed individuals and their families. It is a program intended to facilitate the resolution of the grief surrounding the breakup of a marriage/relationship and to<BR>promote healing."<P><BR>Other things, since you seem to state that you are depressed about the situation, go to a Dr. and get on anti-depressants. They do help. And no, they aren't necessarily habit-forming (depending on what you take). I, and a number of other people on MB are on anti-depressants.<P>And get into counselling. A combination of drugs and counselling is the most effective way of dealing with depression. My counselor has already been through a divorce, so she's able to share a lot of info. with me.<P>In the meantime --- the MB divorce forum is where I go when I have a 'situation' arising that I'm having trouble dealing with. Mainly it's a place for me to vent and to get ideas from other people....and comfort.<P>There are also a number of programs through churches and community programs. But this varies from place to place and sometimes takes a lot of digging to locate. <P>Let me see what I can find in your area --- but I don't know how current any of the info. is:<P>======== <A HREF="http://members.aol.com/SinglFrenz/drw.html" TARGET=_blank>http://members.aol.com/SinglFrenz/drw.html</A> <BR>What: Cleveland-Area Divorce Recovery Workshop<BR>: <BR>: Who: Anyone who is divorced, separated, or in the process of divorce<P>: Place: Willoughby Hills Evangelical Friends Church <BR>: 2846 SOM Center Rd. (Rt. 91) <BR>: Willoughby Hills, OH 44094 <BR>: <BR>: When: Friday nights at 8:00 pm <BR>: 8 weeks long <BR>: 3 sessions each year: <BR>: March/April <BR>: July/August<BR>: November/December<BR>: <BR>: Call 216/944-1026 for registration information <P>: <BR>: * Also, Single Again is a follow-up support group held Jan/Feb, May/June, Sept/Oct.<BR>: * Also available: Marriage Rebuilders Workshop, for marriages on the brink of divorce, <BR>: for couples who are willing to work together to save their marriage.<P>: Call 216/944-1026 for information<P>==========<P>Alfred Adler Center Of Cleveland<BR> 14701 Detroit Avenue<BR> Lakewood, OH 44107<BR> 216-228-7780 <P> Work Family Equilibrium Consultant<BR> Cleveland, OH 44143<BR> 216-381-5424 <P>=========== <A HREF="http://www.divorcesource.com/groups/ohio.shtml" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorcesource.com/groups/ohio.shtml</A> <P><BR>My search was using the terms - Ohio divorce support<P><BR>Good luck,<BR>~Amy<BR>

DTS,<P>I read a book titled "Rebuilding when the relationship ends". That helped me to see all the feelings I'd have to go thru surrounding the loss. <P>It feels as if you may never get thru the grief, but it does come. It takes time and patience, and prayer helps too.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>