found out my wife still wants to contact om.i found a love card that could only be going to om.when i confronted her she lied and said she buys cards all the time when she likes the wording.what a liar.i don't no how to stop this affair except for telling om's wife.she still does not know.this will not change our situation but a least she will be aware of what a rat she lives with.i posted this before and got a few comments but i still haven't decided which way to go.i have decided to seperate asap because of the continued attraction.please i need some feedback

I don't think I could handle not being #1 in my husbands life.I don't think I would want to compete it would not be my style.I do know other people who have told the other party,it will make you feel better and alert that person to face what they want. That's a tuff one...I try to look at things as I am only responsilble for me and my behavior the rest will fall into place in do time, not on my time.I would have to take care of me and ask what I want in a relationship and search for that in a mate who would like to fully participate in our relationship.

Iggy, you know what I am going to say, here. Have you read DB? What do you hope to gain by doing this? Are you aware of what your continued pusrsuit, and attempts to control and manipulate are doing to the vestiges of your marriage?<P>I know that you are hurting, but you are not helping yourself, here. Detatch, and leave her alone in this, unless you just want to be a total pain in the a$$ to her. In that case, I'd say steady up on this course.<P>If you are looking for validation, you will get it; people handle these things differently, and see things their own way, but I want to urge you again to quit trying to point out your righteousness, here. You are being wronged, but that doesn't mean you go playing detective, and being all morally offended. It is not going to put you in a favorable light in any case, and who are you trying to prove things to, anyway? Do you think this is turning her heart back to you? Do you think its healthy, even if you agree with her that its over? Look at what this is doing to you:<BR>You spend a great deal of time and energy ruminating, snooping, playing imaginary movies to yourself, etc., and for what? Has she even budged an inch, or is she picking up speed here? She will run with this, you are playing right into her hand. Go dark. Take care of yourself, and put this down for a while.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 01, 2001).]

Iggy, don't know all your story and such but, I'd say don't tell OM's wife..what will that accomplish other than hurting her as well? Maybe she already knows and is trying to work on herself to make her a better person for her husband to come home too...<P>Have you been working on you? Have you looked inside yourself to see what you can do to make her want to come home to you? have you been showing her love and compassion?<BR>trying to woo her back?<P>Just some thoughts..

Iggy:<BR>Waiting for her is right. About the movies we play in our heads, all of it.<P>Sorry this is just a long vent, but a nerve got hit. I dont wish for you to fall into what I have been dealing with the last 2 months. I cant eat & have heartburn for the 1st time in my life. My hair is shedding tremendously. (Im female). I dont know if my H had a physical affair but I believe he is emotionally involved with a woman at work. Maybe not in the sense of declaring love etc, she is married. But in the sense they Have to be talking privately to each other all the time & share personal details of our lives with the other. Are also whispering & hiding private conversations. <P>Anyway I have tore myself up over this. I cannot see straight. I fantasize about telling her H. He travels & is gone alot, so she gets attention from mine. I can almost predict the days hes gone - she will be all over my H's office. "Work" my a@# !! I am very angry. I tried to guess what my H is thinking or feeling & tried to show him I Do care. It is all from stress. I brought home booklets on stress, got some special bath stuff for him to relax with. Put them in the other bathroom where he moved all his things. He threw a fit, worse than any toddler when he saw them. Cursed & yelled at me & threw the items I bought all over the floor & in our (now just mine) bedroom. Removed photos I had of him on my nightstand out of their frames & hid them. Does he think thats how easy it is to remove him from my heart & mind?<P>Sorry, Im ranting. People tell me "work on yourself". It is very difficult, almost impossible for me. But you MUST do that. It is the only way to make "the movies in our heads" stop. Our spouses are not in their right frames of mind, I swear!! I dont drink or do drugs or party & have no male friends. All I did was respond with curse words when he cursed at me first. (Not any more). I tried talking & he vehemently denies any personal private conversations with her, not to mind phone calls or an email I saw. <P>For 6 weeks I have tried & tried to preguess his feelings & the "why" of all this? The how could he do this to me? I will never know. I didnt want him to feel like I didnt care. But inspite of all my efforts to show him I care, He still goes out of his way to hurt me & be hateful. He refuses to acknowlege that I DO love him & dont want this marriage to end. I have been so hurt over & over. I am still upset & cry by myself alot, but I am also angry now. I did NOT do anything wrong. This is not MY choice, it is his. Im almost at the "screw it" attitude. Its not worth putting yourself thru these horrible emotions. If you still love her, try to show her at first, but dont keep at it. Let it go. (Im still trying to let go). Go about your own business. If she approaches you fine, but dont go out of your way for her. You'll only wind up getting more hurt. They are having their own negative self talk that they cant see past it. You have to let her sort out the demons in her mind by herself. We can only hope that process does not take too long or it will be too late for them and we will have been forced to move ahead!<P>