Hope you all follow this new strain as suggested. This is to Violet1.<BR>My H and his Dr. talked about the V but my H doesn't seem to have a problem with erection, only desire and aren't those 2 different things? Also, as I read in Sexual counseling sites the desire factor is the hardest to treat if it's psychological instead of medical. Any comments?<BR>didi

didi,<P>They are two different things. Erection and low sex drive.To my understanding a low sex drive can be a medical problem also or it can be phycological. Both can be caused by work stress or other personal problems, and that could be harder to treat....Violet1<P>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited April 19, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited April 19, 1999).]

Things had gotten progressively worse with my H's sex drive, and erections (when he did get in the mood, the erections didn't stay very long). I seemed to have reached my "sexual peak" a few months ago, which made matters worse-and much more frustrating! After many talks about the situation, and many tears(it's very easy to take this problem personally), and much prayer, I believe God led me to figure out that my H had health problems that both he and I were unaware of.<BR>I realized, by chance, that my H has sleep apnea (he stops breathing many, many times during the night--most people that have this snore and the times they stop breathing are noticable, but he has a "silent" kind-I couldn't tell unless I had my head on his chest). Actually, because I got him into the doctor, we found out that he not only has sleep apnea--he also has a low thyroid problem, and -low testosterone! All these problems come with the symptoms of decreased sex-drive. He is now being treated for the apnea, and the thyroid (he's hoping this will take care of the sex drive problem, because the testosterone can only be given via monthly self injections!) So far, things are getting better. He has more energy to give to me, and he's able to get in the mood more often (it used to be once a month or once every couple months-if that!). He hasn't had problems keeping an erection lately either.<P>You need to rule out health problems before you look for psychological problems, I think.

Also, our doctor told us that Viagra would only work IF there was desire for sex. If there's no desire-it wouldn't do any good.

didi, there's one factor that has a huge impact on sexual drive but hasn't been mentioned. what about sexual attractiveness? one must find their spouse to be attractive, energetic, and responsive. there is much more to sex than just the simple mechanics, for lack of a better word. i've always had a strong sex drive and love to do it. but, my w is overweight. i can't find her sexually attractive. because of the weight, she can not longer be energetic eventhough she is responsive. i posted this issue under various topics and i usually get a higher percentage of negative responses. sure she's a wonderful person, of course i never critize her condition and of course i encourage her to stay active. but the fact remains, i don't find her sexually attractive. i just hope she will continue to walk, jog, and stay active so that she will loose the weight. but, even if she doesn't loose the weight, i want to stay with her, continue to do my best with what i have and accept it as just the way it is. it could be a lot worse. and yes, i am vulnerable to an affair but then again, so is she because what i'm not giving, she's not getting.

Frankie,<BR>I was wondering, were you attracted to her in the beginning? I know that the "so-called" attraction to the other person can be lost or better said "misplaced" in a long term relationship and perhaps then it is hard to find it again. Do you find that you want to be close to her at all? That is what goes on in my house, my H wants all of the gushys. I discussed this with a counselor just a couple of days ago. During the discussion we determined that my H and I set up all of the foreplay....dining out, funny circumstances, lots of laughing, touching, walking with arms around each other. You know foreplay before you get home. Then at home, cuddling on the couch etc, etc. Then when bedtime comes .....nothing. That is what is so confusing to me. It's like he sets me up. I don't mean intentionately but none the less. He says I bring it up all the time. But see HE SETS ME UP. If I don't come to bed with him he gets upset about that.<P>Didi

I posted in the emotional area but just had to say something in this one. My husband had been "impotent" for 8 years. Behind my back he had an affair using "viagra" for over a year. I never knew he was even capable of having an erection. Now I find out he had been a "stud" to an OW. I am so crushed.. It has taken him 4 months to "try" to be intimate with me since I discovered his affair. He is unable to "perform"... acts like he used to...unable to have an erection and claims that the affair he had was "not what I think" it was. In December, 1998, I found out that he had given her a ring for Christmas that matched "our Black Hills Gold wedding bands" and they were Christmas shopping together when a friend of mine caught them.... thats how I found out about it or I would have never dreamed this "poor impotant man" was out there being a "real man" to someone else.<BR>I feel so cheated and cheated on.

Red,<P>when you cant give love ...you give an alibi or in this case...if you cant give sex, you give an alibi. This is sad. you must be hurting so much.

didi, i guess i was attracted to her a little in the beginning, at least enough to ask her if she wanted to car pool. it was a come on and i guess it worked. i had been separated from my first w for only 2 months when we met. we saw each other and car pooled a while. she then lost her job and it was only natural for her and her two children to move in with me. i recall thinking at the time that i wasn't ready for a live in but i didn't have it in me to tell her she couldn't move in. we had been intimate for a short while and i just felt it was the right thing to do. we continued to live together for 2 years. she was very good too me and truly helped me grow from a mean person to more of a loving person. she started pressing me to make up my mind, either marry her or not. i think i was too weak to end the relationship and/or afraid of being alone and agreed to marry her. in retrospect i know all this was a big mistake. but we've gotten along well for 26 years and still do. but i don't think and she too suspects i don't truly love her. she's my best friend and we get along well. i've asked many times for advise on how to know if one loves someone or not. i've seen it written that love is a dicision, not a feeling. i'm still confused.<BR>didi, your h may be experiencing performance anxiety. was he ever able to perform spontaneously?

Frankie,<P>There were times that he was spontaneous. Usually when I least expected it. But in 5 years they are few and far between. I will think more on what you asked about love and decisions. and get back to you later...Gotta go for now.<P>didi

Frankie,<P>I thought if I though a while I could address the situation of living with someone, loving them but not feeling sexual. I think that is that way with my husband but he seems totally imersed in the relationship with me and I don't know if you are in that same boat. I do believe whole heartedly that the feelings of wanting to be intimate with a partner can wax and wane. How is the relationship with her 2 children and do you and she have any children together. In bed, You might try just talking more intimately at first and touching and holding and talking about the past and the future and where you want to go in the relationship. Understand I said where you want to go, not necessarily that you feel it emotionally right now. Sometimes I think we have to pretend then the emotional feelings catch up.But time together and not a lot of problems count for a whole lot. Probably the sexual, emotional things just need to be coddled for a time and maybe they will come around.<P>didi

Hey Didi, Frankie, and everyone....guess I am attracted to the lack of sex threads......did not realize this was here..........just considering a realionship without sex and passion, and I don't think I can accept that for myself. Actually, I know I can't and that is what I am facing for the moment. There is nothing I can do to help my husband with this problem, it is psychological and he needs to deal with it with his therapsit. I know he is attracted to me....inside and out, and that is the frustrating part! Someone mentioned that psychological is harder to deal with than physical.......I agree!!!

dlara,<BR>I don't know how I stumbled on the website of drkoop. Perhaps from info on herem but anyway this is good info. Go to: <BR>http://www.drkoop.com/adam/mhc/top/001952.htm<BR>read the article "inhibited sexual desire" it is really good.<P>didi

didi, i read the article and went to the link for delayed ejaculation. that's my problem. i was encouraged to learn there is a positive prognoises with something like 75-90% success rate when treated with a sex therapist.

i have the same problem as you. my husaband didnot want to have sex. it is a matter of libildo. some want it every night like me. he would be with me once every 10 days. now it is couple times a week.i have learned to accept this. also he cannot have erection , it is only once a month.

looks like some of us need to be matched up differently. how could it be that the hot ones marry the cold ones. there ought to be a way for us to be rematched. but i guess that's what divorces are all about, damit.

Frankie,<P>I have noticed that fact on here as well as otherwise. I am not quite sure what is up with that, except that we were young, and or uninformed about the difference in peoples sexual needs and desires......I agree, Damnit!