<BR> I'd like to get my separated wife to come to her senses and realize what she's throwing away. But how can I "compete"(especially on plan B) with the free and easy fun of dating with no strings attached?<P>She basically escaped from family and parental responsibilty. I've got a house,a small business to run, a lot of financial demands, and our teenage daughter to raise on my own.(she wouln't be able to handle her)<P>She's got a little apartment, a monthly disabilty check,(for a marginally disabling condition)<BR>alot of tine on her hands,rarely is in contact with us, and is "dating" some other guy who is also collecting dissability, trying to "move on with my life". Its easy for someone in<BR>a single dating situation, with no responsiblities or fanily demands, to look like "more fun" than what I represent to her. <P>Its frustrating to be in limbo, waiting around while she dates others<BR>and eventually gets around to filing divorce papers like she is implying.<P>I'm trying to do the right thing, and not close the door on our marriage while there is any chance.(I still care about her and I want what s best for my daughter.)<P>Sometimes I feel like its too easy for her to do what she's been doing. (She's still got piles of stuff in the house(major clutter problem upstairs),I'm still paying her car insurance cause she can't afford it, I'm raising our daughter while she's basically escaped from daily parental involvement, etc.).<P>Perhaps I should take a harder line, but I don't want to <BR>be seen as vindictive, mean and legalistic,ending any chance of reconciliation that may exist.<P><BR>How do you think I should deal with this?<P><BR>Thanks, <P>JDH <P>

man, oh man. your situation is spooky. it mirrors mine except for the disability issue. she seemed happy to be married for about 3 years and then she starts telling me, that she at 35 is watching life pass her by. she has a ea and pa with other man that i discovered last sept. she runs out of the house stays away for 6 weeks. she comes back in october (i think boyfriend, dumped her). she stays until jan and then moves out for good. she has made no effort to start divorce proceedings but talks about it as if to hint that i should do it?? i sit here in limbo with my son. we are both wondering whats up. i was pretty much doing everything she wanted until recently. i too didnt want to seem mean or vindictive. it hits me out of the blue, just how much she has used me for the last 6 months. now, i tell her enough is enough. its time for a divorce. she agrees but now couldnt be nicer. shes bending over backwards to be nice and pleasant???? go figure. the nicer i was the colder she got. now that i make a move, she gets sweet?? this is all too much for me, i am tired of the games.<P>damn, buddy. i am sure i didnt help you much. i just dont want to see u get caught of in the games for months. she sounds like my wife who has become selfish in her needs. she has become loyal to herself and not to us her family. i want a loyal partner not a wandering selfish person. until there is some resemblance of sanity. i have to save myself too. myself and my son are more important. good luck. tom

Hey guys, room for one more? Yes, I'm having what you're having, too.<P>Well, you aren't going to 'get' them to do much if that is your goal. The best results I have gotten are by being consistent, showing integrity (watch out for the added barbs, they come out on their own...be careful!), and letting her alone. No judgements, no confrontations, zero OR talk, and I did nothing save sign papers. When she is disrespectful, I end the interaction, then and there. She walks on eggshells when she talks to me, and is generally very pleasant. This is by design. What you need to eliminate (still, it seems) is the little judgemental things that tend to 'stick in people's minds.' The comment about the 'marginally disabling condition' is an unnecessary character assassination, true or not. If I am off base, I apologize, but you need to be that honest with yourself, if you intend to get through this and into a better place.<P>You are not being asked to compete with anything, except yourself. She has decided to 'take a break', and you need to get yourself together in this time, otherwise it will be over for good. Her PA will die off in time, it is not worth your time, or the LB behavior you show in obsessing wbout it. I do hope you don't talk to her about that, do you?<P>Try to quit being personally offended by her...detatch, and get into plan B, your circumstances don't matter, just do it today.<P>Take care, let me know how you are doing later this week, okay?

I hate to inform you...but its over. She is in the proverbial mid-life crisis stage. My spouse is doing the same thing to me. Your wife is playing you because you are there being the standup guy...she knows that. I did the same thing till I woke up and smelled the coffee. As long as she knows your there waiting for her she will keep using and playing you. Your paying her car insurance cause she can't afford it? Why??????!!!! What is she doing in the mean time while your paying her bills for her?, shes playing the field. You do not have to take that! I hate to be so blunt, and I may be bitter cause of my own situation but drop any financial support you are giving her. Let her face reality and then see what happens. You might wake her up and then again you might not...statistics are she won't. What will happen is you will begin the process of getting her out of your life so you can move on. Divorce.. don't wait for her to do it, you do it. I know some of the decisions will be hard. I actually was crying while calling our all accounts and creditors, trying to get my name off of them, but it has to be done. Your taking care of your daughter and that is the most important thing you can be doing (I am also taking care of a daughter). Take care of yourself to, no one else can in a situation like this.

Just looking at the title of your post, in my mind I screamed..."DUH!"<P>That's the disease! Selfishness. Dump the other person with all the responsibilities and run off into the sunset to have fun. My X is now having is second vacation this year - we weren't able to as a family because of $ restraints. Now he and Toots (who is a working girl with no kids) are really out having a party and I'm so angry. I want to see him punished for what he's done to me. I want to see him miserable for dumping his boys that he never bothers to see or contact ever. I want to see justice.<P>But for now, I will just settle for getting as much as I can in line to start over again. It'll be a huge struggle for me, but I believe there will be a payoff in the end and he'll just be a lonely old man still trying to fool around behind the back of whatever bimbo he has at the time. I agree tho that you need to cut off the money. You are clearly being used. You can do it in a way that isn't mean or all that other stuff you said. Tell her you love her and are there for her when she wants to go for counseling and work on your marriage, but just as you would do for your children if they quit school, moved out, started using drugs, etc., you would cut them off out of love and let them fend for themselves if they want to be so big, grown up, and disobedient. Doesn't mean you don't love them - just means you won't support their behavior. Why would it be different with your wife? You wouldn't want your wife to reconcile purely out of need for your money would you?<P>I hope someday you'll be happy again.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited July 02, 2001).]