Forget any of my postings....guess I will have to manage through this alone. Have your little click, just tell us new users that we are not welcome here....would be much easier.

Hi-<BR>I'm not part of any clique- i'm new here too- i read your post down the page further- and the first couple lines made it sound like you had gotten a lot of suggestions, etc. from other areas, but none worked- in that post you asked if any one knew of support groups-<P>I don't or I would have responded-<P>Is that why you feel let down? Maybe no one really knows<P>Also- I don't always go to the other boards because- like on the infidelity ones- it brings up a lot of bad stuff for me- and so many of the Otherwomen and Othermen post there it is depressing- so maybe no one that is specifically on this board knows your story or how to help??<P>I would like to encourage you- I would like to help if I can- I don't know how much good I'll be because I'm fresh in this also- but if you need any thing??? <P>This is a bad support group to have to be in huh?<P>Well- I wish you the best and hope you will come back and maybe people will respond to you that can help!!<P>thinking of you<BR>TLFM

Yes there are cliques, but sometimes posts just don't get a response right away. It doesn't mean that no one cares or that they want to see you go it alone. I read your post from the other day, but had no time to post and really could offer no suggestions for you. I understand that a word of encouragement is sometimes good, but it is often not even enough when you want answers. Of course everyone is welcome here, but your frustration is very evident. Just don't get a bad taste in your mouth because of one incident. Give it time, and give everyone here a chance. There were cliques when I started here a year ago, and it took time for people to know and understand my story. But the nature of this place is not to form cliques as you put them, but friendships. We try to check hostility at the door, though it doesn't always work.<P>I do have one suggestion: the name that you chose may be part of the problem. It clearly expresses your feelings of loss and confusion over your marriage, but it also expresses something dark and frightening to people. If it was meant to be darkly humorous, it may not have worked for some. <P>Best wishes in your search for peace.<P>

You seem to have a penchant for melodrama, which, I suspect is a big problem with your marriage. That is unfortunate.<P>I am sorry that you are here. No one that is here wants to be here, and your pain, while intense, is just that: your pain. This forum has a lot of pain, and anger. I'd suggest that you not take it out here, if help is what you expect. I have read your story, you have been given some good advice, but you have not acted on it. You are still 'messing things up' with her, as well. If you don't intend to follow up on this, and give us feedback, then we can't help you.<P>Your general lashing out, and your handle, are not encouraging signs, friend. You are an angry, proud man, and you are suffering the result of that, besides any injustice that you are suffering at the hands of your wife. While it is not all your fault, you do bear some burden of culpability, and I'd say that you are bringing that same baggage here. Don't do that, unless you want your situation to worsen. I'll say it straight out: You hold on too tightly to things, you feel cheated when you don't get your way, and you get frustrated easily. This is a vicious cycle, and your pride will consume you if you let it.<P>By coming here, you have decided to get some outside perspective, or validation for your present course of action...which is it? Do you have a plan? How do you think you are doing so far? Are you using the materials from elsewhere on this site, or did you just come in here, hoping for a rubber stamp solution? If you are to be successful, you need to get one thing straight right out of the gate...you will not 'make' her do anything, and it will take some time, and a mountain of patience, healthy persistence and genuine integrity before you even get a chance at attempting reconciliation. Your apparent current mindset is woefully inadequate for the task.<P>You have conviction, which is good. I also seem to think you are willing to go to great extremes to make things right, am I wrong there? Those two will do, but you need to put them behind POSITIVE things, and you have not done that. You will suffer just as long as you want to. It will get as bad as you make it, and your steadfast position based in self-pity will win: not you, and not her.<P>You sound like a good man, and I feel for you, but you are being told right now that you have some issues that you need to address. Be honest with yourself, and be good to yourself. Fix the things you need to, and take it easy on your wife. Believe me, she doesn't like this anymore than you do.<P>Start over again here...post your story, we need to understand how you and her interact, etc. You need to get a plan...we can help. God bless you.

waiting_for_her, Very well said.<P>Depressed,<BR>The only thing I can add to all of this is my advice for you to stick around a bit longer before assuming that none of us care or are able to help. My first few posts (over a year ago) were not "received" as well as I had hoped, but looking back to when I posted them, nothing short of my wife coming back to me would have been acceptable either.<P>I feel for you and I know that you are in pain. All of us out here have been through it and we are still working through the aftermath. It is going to take time, work and most of all, it will take patience.<P>The best thing you can do now is work on yourself, read all you can from this site and keep posting your thoughts. Even if you don't get the response you are looking for, getting the words out of your head and on the screen will help. At least it always helped me.<P>Best wishes.<P>

I guess some of the reason why there wasn't a response about coping, is because we're all trying to figure that one out. I know I sure wouldn't want to assume to be an expert on coping with the hurts of losing someone that you love. There is alot of love and support here - not only with reading our own posts and the responses to them, but other's posts too. Learning from others sometimes is the best. I sincerely hope things look up for you and your marriage.

DTS---<P>I admit that I am one of the ones that read your previous posting. I tried to do a search just now for other ones, but for some reason my system keeps timing out on me. Perhaps it will allow me to later. In regards to your first subject on how to cope... I really don't know. Some who know me will say that I am doing a piss poor job of it myself, so I don't feel qualified to answer in that department. The most I could offer in that area is check your local newspaper for live meetings and see if any will apply to you. Otherwise internet searches could prove useful. For the longest time, I drowned myself in work so that I have little to no time to deal with it on any level. As I said... I am not the best one to answer that questoin.<P>As for this post... I won't comment on your name... since I have been known to use the saying when people ask me what is wrong in saying that "it is nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 couldn't fix" (line from the movie The Truth About Cats And Dogs-- NOT how I truly feel). I will say that I am hoping that your name is just dark sarcasim.<P>As for the actual contents of your posting... It reminds me of an old Calvin and Hobbs cartoon where Calvin is standing alone yelling that he is in a crabby mood and wants everyone to just leave him alone. In the second frame it is just him standing there... alone. In the last frame he is asking why doesn't anyone recogonize his cry for wanting attention...<P>New people are welcome here. Honestly enough... weekends are slow here. I know that I was not here at all from about early afternoon on Friday until just now. I was new here once too. Unfortunatly that was a long time ago. I remember I didn't feel all that welcome here either... But it was more my perception than reality. My perception was that I didn't feel wanted in my marriage, and I projected those feelings towards people here who I have never met before.<P>The people here DO want to help. They do care. I have found more honest and nice people here than I have through my travels through this life. I know that sometimes it seems that there are "groups" and things like that, and I admit that there are. But we don't limit ourselves to those groups. A lot of the time it is just that we have followed certain peoples stories here since we started. We feel connected to them in some way. A lot of us have even ventured out to meet one another. When our time online is short, yes, we check up on the people we consider friends. But that does not mean that is all we read here. Sometimes we are just at such a loss on what to say. Sometimes we don't feel that we have either enough information in regards to a posting or we don't have that certain expierence which is needed to respond. It is a lot of different things for different people.<P>I am sorry that your expierence here was less than you hoped for. I would offer more, but as I said, my system is still timing out on the search for your previous postings. I do wish you luck in your journey ahead. All of us here knows just how hard it is. If you need us... we are here for you...<P>~Java

Hi,<P>I admit I didn't look and it was mainly because of the username you chose. I know how you feel to have chosen it, and mine's no better (sounds like a freaked out teenager, right). What you originally posted sounds so much like the things my own Dad expressed when he wanted to go over and get the OM my mom was messing with, but didn't. We've probably all had nasty thoughts toward this other person who barged into our lives. The only support group I found was thru church, DivorceCare, and it helped to be with those people. But it ended and I eventually had to face it alone anyway. As long as you have a good friend, brother, relative, parent, someone who you can really talk to whenever you need to, that helps more than anything. And of course, time really takes care of it. I hate to tell you that because I wouldn't believe it either until it started to happen. I'm not a big one on counseling but that may help you, and don't know if you believe in God, but that was where I drew my strength and still do. Every night, God and I take a walk around the block a few times and just mull things over. I would only say to be careful with some support groups because they can tend to be meat markets.<P>I've actually been here for a while and I don't think there are cliques but just other people who've been here for a long time also and are now friends. And I don't know everyone, and I've probably PO'd a few, but would never feel afraid to butt in and say hi on someone's thread because they are all really nice. I hope you'll stay and let people get to know you.<P>Kathy

Depressed,<P>Whoa, slow down, this is a pretty good bunch on this board, but everyone cannot reply to every thread. One needs to take a little time to get the feel of it. As iln the case Jayhawk pointed out, my first posts didn't meet with a rush of responses either. Now they do pretty well. Clique? I don't know about that, but I'm a recovered alcoholic and folks with a common interest certainly exchange with me more frequently than those with other interests. If that makes it a clique, well OK, but anyone is welcome as far as I know.<P>After reading your first post, I looked up your profile to see if there was a reason you picked out that screen name. I have a tendency to respond well to the loveable fuzz ball types. The screen name is just a little intimidating, but then I think you knew that when you picked it out.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <B> Forget any of my postings....guess I will have to manage through this alone. </B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why would one post something like that if one wants friendly interaction with people here? Doesn't that invite a negative response like "Poor baby"? It reminds the reader of a four year old threatening to take his ball and go home. Why even open the door for that kind of response?<P>Well you kind of went about it the hard way, but you sure got some responses. Now, its up to you to decide whether or not you want to stick around and make some friends.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P>

Yes, depressedtowersniper, you picked the absolute worst time to make your initial post on this forum: Friday evening. Not your fault, of course. You wouldn't have known that weekends tend to be slow.<P>I have also found that the more specific you are in a post, the better the chance of a response. Something like a generic "I need help" doesn't garner that much attention, because nobody has a clue <I>how</I> to help.<P>In your case, though, you have already revealed something we <I>can</I> help you with. It seems that when politeness doesn't quickly get the response you hope for, you switch to seeking negative attention. That's an unfortunate "love-busting" habit, and one you are well-advised to watch out for.<BR>

DTS,<P>You didn't like my suggestions? I wrote about 6 things you could do to help you cope, and even how you might find a divorce/men's support group. I found in the beginning, I would get extra posts to my questions if I responded to the writers. And sometimes, on more than one occasion, no one responded to my post. I was upset, oh, maybe 20 seconds, then I figured they might need the time to get to know me better. I think I'm right; now others will refer to me in their posts occasionally. Hey, and if they don't, no big deal. This isn't the only support group I surf through. <P>Don't go away (although I believe you may have done just that). Waiting_for_her shoots straight and is on the mark. I think if you humble yourself a little bit and participate more, you'll receive more interaction from the group. And let me tell you, as bad as I thought I have it, there's always someone here who lost even more. Nothing like getting help than helping yourself. Offer some of your objective observations to other posts you feel you can contribute to. The writers always read their feedback, and yours would be in there too. You would be noticed. <P>Blessings,<BR>Nell