I have heard this saying several times and it is one which seems to surface among many or our threads, but what does it really mean to give your marriage to God?<P>To me it means to let go of the things we can’t control and to focus on those elements which we can control, starting with ourselves. Then if it is God’s will for us to reunite with our spouses, he will bring us back together. If this is correct and I understand its meaning, then I have another question….<P>By “letting go” and turning over our marriage to God, are we then free to start living our lives for ourselves, which may or may not include the onset of a new relationship? And then where do we draw the line as to when God would potentially bring us back together with our spouse? If we end up getting divorced even after giving our marriage to God, then we get involved with a new person and our ex makes the attempt to rejoin our life, is it now God’s will that we reconcile with our spouse, abandon our current relationship and reconcile with our spouse because of our original vows?<P>I know this will also bring up the topic of whether God will acknowledge a second marriage, which isn’t really where I am headed with this, I am just wondering about the initial concept of God’s role in a troubled marriage.<P>So again I ask the question: What does it really mean to give your marriage to God?<BR>

You say, <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>To me it means to let go of the things we can’t control and to focus on those elements which we can control, starting with ourselves. Then if it is God’s will for us to reunite with our spouses, he will bring us back together. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This sounds good. So, your question is about the possibly starting a new relationship or not? Or being free enough to do so? I don't know... I think that until the Div is final, no, you're not free. I think that until you feel emotionally healthy that it's not a good idea to start a new relationship - UNLESS that new relationship happens to be with your x-wife. I'm actually mixed on that because I often find myself fantasizing about being in a "healthy" relationship once we get through this sep/divorce. I don't like to think of myself being "alone" for the rest of my life. I think God calls us to live our lives in peace. I guess I'm rambling here trying to sort out my thoughts... for some reason, I think the relationship is a 2ndary issue and the primary issue is getting your true vocation, your true calling, your true relationship with God maximized and not concern yourself with other relationships.<P>Anyway, if our "ex's" decide to return to our lives, it's not rolling back the clock, in my opinion. It's starting over, fresh... honoring each other and not falling back into the sack with each other because it's familiar territory. And, I do think there is something about the original vows... though I'm not sure it's blood ordained as some people think. I haven't thought that through yet.<P>So, it's late and I don't know if I've added any value to this conversation or not... G'night!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Yes, Jayhawk, I think you put how I feel about it into well chosen words, good job. Make sure you choose that wisely with her, too, and Bob's your uncle....<P>Hello, again Nicole...I guess I am just following you around, reading your 'book'! You have much clarity and great insight today....please go post some encouragement on my thread! LOL.<P>The distinction about what you are working on is important to me. The goal to me is still reconciliation with my XW, and a new relationship doesn't support that, does it? Nor does it make sense in any other respect. Those thoughts are your Taker talking...be advised that your Taker is to be in a coma right now...seriously. She will give nothing...without an expectation. That is not a healthy relationship. You need to decide whether your goal is reconciliation, or not. If you are seriously considering seeing someone, especially since you are not divorced yet, then you need to explore what that means, and decide to keep that representation or not.<P>This is about you, not her. Take care of you, but don't be too caught up in yourself, okay?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 03, 2001).]

Shawn,<P>I struggled with this issue for quite a while and every now and then I still think about it. To me, when I gave my marriage over to God, I let go of trying to influence the outcome - to not worry about what I said or wrote to my wife - I stopped trying to "fix" things between us and rather focused more effort on "fixing" me. I let go of the stress that was bringing each one of my days "down". I began focusing all the loving feelings I had, on others in my life (family, friends, people in need).<P>At the same time I tried (try) to live every day by how HE wants me to live. So that brings up the point - what do I owe myself, my wife and God now that I am divorced? Do I need to remain faithful to my wife even though there appears to be NO chance at reconciliation - not even a glimmer of hope? I'm torn on this one. I truly believe deep in my heart that is what God wants me to do (remain faithful) - but I don't feel that I am strong enough to do that. I need to be honest with myself and I am just not strong enough - I find myself daily longing for someone in my life. So maybe in a way I am letting God down. I just don't know. I do know that my heart is empty and longs for someone special in my life. I went about 2 years without even considering someone new. Only after my divorce has the thought really began to take hold in my life.<P>Over the passing weeks I have met several women. I don't know if it is the returning of my confidence or what, but quite a few of them been interested in dating me (and believe me, this is something very new to me ). A couple I have even went out with, but none of them set off the "fireworks" we all get when you meet that "special one".<P>What I have decided to do is to keep moving around - keep meeting women - keep socializing and wait. If God feels it necessary to place someone special in my life, He will, in His time. If that person turns out to be my x-wife in some kind of miracle turn-around, then so be it. If it is someone new I have yet to meet, then so be it.<P>By turning my marriage over to God I put trust in Him that He will lead me to the right decisions. He knows that we are all flawed and we all have so many human weaknesses. He knows that we all don't live up to His expectations and He understands. It saddens Him, but just as when a human father is let down by his children, he doesn't stop loving them or doing things for them - he simply continues to try and give advice and lead his children out of harms way. Even if he fails in one respect, he adjusts his message and continues to prod his children wherever and whenever he can. So even if I am not following God's direction 100%, I feel that as long as I try to do the best I can, He will continue to nudge me in the direction I need to go.<P>Another way you can look at it is maybe some of us need to experience "other" people in our lives, before we are "made" ready to reconcile with our spouses. I don't think this just applies to the WS's either. I think that once you are betrayed by your spouse, some (some not all!) people may need to go out and experience another relationship before they can even think of forgiving the WS.<P>Does this present problems for the "new" people that may enter our lives? Most certainly, but every new relationship always runs the risk of failure for any number of possible reasons. Those people that avoid people who are divorced because of the risks involved I think are foolish in their thinking - they are trying to "minimize" their risks of being hurt, but you know what? I think many divorced individuals are better suited for relationships than many single men and women who may never have been married. Those that are divorced have "been there" and "done that" - they know what to expect, they have made the common mistakes. I think instead of just avoiding all divorcees, people should only avoid the ones who don't seem to have learned anything from their previous marriages. And as for the risk that the X-spouse will someday re-enter the picture, well it is just another risk of life.<P>By giving it all up to God, I don't have to worry too much about all the "ifs" (if my X comes back and I'm dating someone else, etc...) for I am putting HIM in charge of the "ifs" - my only focus is to try and remain as close to His path as possible. I saw a great roadsign a couple weeks back, it read: "If God is your copilot, move over and let Him drive!"<P>God made us all different. He made those who are so strong in their faith and convictions, and He made those who have little or no convictions. And He made all those people who are in-between the two extremes. I believe He wants us to live up to our potential, but only we truly know what that potential is. When some of us exceed our potential, I believe He is extremely happy, and when some of us fall below our potential I believe He is saddened. But in either case, He still loves us and He doesn't let our past mistakes get in the way of the future blessings He offers us.<P>For me, I feel this is how I need to progress. I won't ever count my X-wife "out", just like I can never count her "in". I am simply living a good life one day at a time...<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Who is Bob?<P>Seriously, though. I am not sure you meant to head down the road regarding new relationships, but I had to comment on what Mike has said. He said he will never count his ex wife "out," just like he will never count her "in." Yes, we would have to deal with a reconciliation just as we would any other relationship, as a new one. I would never count anyone "out" of the picture in my life until I was committed to someone else. That includes the mailman, the dog catcher, my next door neighbor, or my ex (an exaggeration, but you get the point.) You never know what God has in store for you, and his blessings may be hidden in places you would not expect. I think that that statement means exactly what Mike said so well : <P>"I let go of trying to influence the outcome - to not worry about what I said or wrote to my wife - I stopped trying to "fix" things between us and rather focused more effort on "fixing" me. I let go of the stress that was bringing each one of my days "down". I began focusing all the loving feelings I had, on others in my life (family, friends, people in need)."<P>If we do that and acknowledge that we really have no control over God or his will and accept the blessings whence they come, then I think we are truly giving our LIVES to God, and therefore our marriage and relationships.<P><p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited July 03, 2001).]

I thought my initial post may get off track and after reading it again to myself, I understand why.<P>All I was really getting at with my initial question was to see what it meant to everyone, individually, to give their marriages to God, just as a way to compare views. I really should not have segmented to the aspect of new relationships.<P><B>OvrC’s</B>, <BR>You always add value with your responses and your views. I also agree that any relationship with an ex must be treated as a new relationship.<P><B>Waiting_For_Her</B>,<P>Maybe I misunderstood your response or maybe most of it was directed to Nicole, but I am a bit confused. I have been divorced since November and even though I feel that I did give my marriage over to God, the divorce still became a reality. Maybe in my case, as in others, this was God’s will? <P>All of us out here come from different cultures, religious backgrounds and core beliefs. Being Jewish, I didn’t know if my interpretation of this statement differed from someone else, simply based on The Old vs. The New Testament? I’m not ultra religious, but I do consider myself to be a very spiritual person. Personally, I believe that once a divorce becomes final, the marriage (and all of its original vows) is dissolved. I hold that we should be faithful to our spouses and our vows while being married, but once divorced we are free to live our lives as we choose. <P><BR><B>Mike</B>,<BR>Once again, your response was very well written and eloquent. Like gsd already pointed out, I couldn’t agree more with your statement, <I>“I won't ever count my X-wife "out", just like I can never count her "in". I am simply living a good life one day at a time...”</I><P>You know, it has taken a great deal of time and although there will always be an unconditional love for my ex, she really doesn’t have any more “claim” to me as anyone else. I have spent so much time and energy trying to figure out how I could have been different and I how I could have met her needs better, but I never took that much time to see what she was doing for me. I honestly believe that the man I am today would be capable of meeting her needs, but unless she has undergone some major changes within herself over the past year, I really have my doubts if she would be able to meet mine. <P>I firmly believe that above all us, God wants us to be happy. <P><B>GSD</B>,<BR>I was also confused by WFH’s comment, “and Bob's your uncle....” Maybe I am having a blonde moment, but I’m not sure where it came from? Maybe WFH will enlighten us????<BR>

SoTired2000 you write, <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Another way you can look at it is maybe some of us need to experience "other" people in our lives, before we are "made" ready to reconcile with our spouses. I don't think this just applies to the WS's either. I think that once you are betrayed by your spouse, some (some not all!) people may need to go out and experience another relationship before they can even think of forgiving the WS.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Isn't this interesting... sometimes I think my stbx-H is so experiential that he will need to experience another relationship and the problems in it before he realizes that our problems weren't as dramatic as he claims. I too need to realize that this new "relationship" in my head is an expectation that is developing that no one will be able to meet. I keep it there because it give me a breath of fresh air when I am constantly facing this rejection. I am not an unworthy person - no one is - but to be constantly told that there is nothing worth salvageable about our relationship just about kills one's sense of self. <P>Mike you do state it well, we can't control others or the circumstances - we can change ourselves. This leads to the issue of prayer... does prayer change circumstances? Well, some say 'yes' and others say 'no' and others qualify their 'no' by adding, "prayer changes people and people change circumstances..."<P>So, that's my bit for the "let go and let God" - truly be free of the expectations and see what God lays before you... in the meantime, our vocational calling is to love, l<I>love the one your with... doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo</I> And that means loving God first so you can love your neighbor in the way God wants your neighbor to be loved.<P>Okay, now I'm going to go sing in the shower - I love that song!<P>Cheers!<P>ps - WFH, what other post? Did you start a new one? I'll go look...<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jayhawk 93:<BR><B>All I was really getting at with my initial question was to see what it meant to everyone, individually, to give their marriages to God, just as a way to compare views.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think your initial definition summed it up nicely: <B>"To me it means to let go of the things we can’t control and to focus on those elements which we can control, starting with ourselves. Then if it is God’s will for us to reunite with our spouses, he will bring us back together."</B><P>In addition to the enormous support I have received from friends and family, I have been sustained and comforted by...<P>...my integrity. I made my vows to and before God, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Those vows are really intended for the bad times; it's easy to be faithful in the good times. Well, things are now "worse" and my wife is now "sick", and if my vows do not apply now of all times, then what good were they in the first place? I believe that God will honor my faithfulness, although in what way I cannot know. That is up to him. (I am reminded of Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah standing before King Nebuchadnezzar, telling him that their God was <I>able</I> to deliver them from the fiery furnace, but even if he did not, they would not bow down to the King's idol.)<P>...my faith. I believe in God's promises as found in the Bible. I believe that God will supply all my needs. If I live in obedience to him, he will provide the strength I lack. And meanwhile my wife will be "kicking against the goads" as long as she runs from him. I can count on all this as surely as I can count on the sun coming up in the morning.<P>...my love. My wife grew up without an example of faithfulness in a husband. If she ever comes out of her fog, I would like her to have that example.<P>...my hope. I know my wife. She is one of the most strong-willed people I have ever known. I don't doubt that she can resist love indefinitely, even if she destroys herself in the process. But she is also one of the sweetest, most compassionate people I have ever known, and she has a real yearning for love and affection. I do not think her pride is so great that she would refuse to admit that she made a mistake. It is only her <I>fear</I> that drives her, and some day she may get tired of running and seek help. If and when she does, I think the chances are good that she will remember how I <I>really</I> treated her.<P>Should I give up my integrity? My faith? My love? My hope? I don't think so. <I>Those</I> are the elements I can control. I don't <I>have</I> to give them up, and I don't think I would be better off for doing so.<BR>

I think Jayhawk you have it right on with your statement <B>To me it means to let go of the things we can’t control and to focus on those elements which we can control, starting with ourselves. </B> <P>I also think that turning things over to God means laying them at the foot of the cross and leaving them there, until you are directed otherwise.<P>Wow, GDP....<B><I>again</I></B> you've hit the nail on the head. <P>You stated for me the things I truly want to believe in, and do for the most part. I really wanted for so long, to believe that God will restore my marriage. But I just don't see that happening.<P>And yes, I know that FAITH is believing even when NOT seeing. So maybe my faith is lacking....<P>I really do believe in the marriage committment, but I find myself thinking....well, it's time to move on. He's made his decision and gone sooooooo far down the path away from me, that he's NEVER gonna see me again. Is this what God talks about when he says the person's heart is hard?<P>And I don't want to go thru life alone. It is such a quandry I find myself in.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited July 03, 2001).]

Enlighten? Please...I wouldn't attempt to enlighten anyone these days! That is just another way of saying things wiil work out, or there you go, etc. It doesn't mean anything. Actually, just the first part was directed at Nicole, I think I was right behind her all night.<P>JH, I reread my post, and the Old vs. New Testament comment was in another thread we were in, I think. No, all I meant by that is that the writers of the New Testament were (to me) clearly trying to consolidate Judaism and Christianity, a lot of the material is indicative of that, IMHO. Didn't mean to step on any 'feet' that way, it is really just an observation, subject as everything I say, or do is, to being wrong, or whatever.<P>No, I do not disagree with you at all. I simply feel differently in MY case, although I certainly do not shy away from providing it without warning! Believe me, I DO see your point...I do.<P>Peace be with you.

WFH,<P>You did not step on any feet, at least not either of mine, I was just a bit confused and wasn't sure if the majority of your first response was directed toward me or not? <P>The "enlighten" comment was simply in regard to the comment about Bob being my uncle. I didn't understand where that came from. It's funny, but I have an uncle named Bob and I somehow I thought you were trying to say that you knew my uncle <P>Take care!