Well, in exactly one week, the divorce that I never wanted will become reality. My stbx’s head has only dropped down from the “fog” for about 7 minutes over the past 2 months. Other than a couple of custody and financial issues we have agreed on everything. We are trying to iron out the final details to avoid the cost of mediation.<P>To those who have followed any of my posts, I can say that I can finally cry again. I went for a walk late yesterday afternoon and the tears finally came. Only problem is they still haven’t stopped since and I have to work.<P>I’d like to thank all of those who have helped me throughout this ordeal.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

(((((((((((((BIG HUGS BILL))))))))))))<P>You are right Divorce sucks.<P>I was probably crying with you as you were walking. I cried a lot yesterday. The pain of the loss of my marriage is still very real and whenever I speak to my STBX I lose it.<P>I'm still teary this a.m. too. <P>Take Care Bill. I will be thinking about you.<P><BR>

I'm sorry for your pain... but know that you will be okay. <BR>Its not much but that is what I have to offer you right now.<BR>I will share with you something that a good friend wrote to me today:<P>"Keep on feeling all those feelings until all those feelings do not have the same effect anymore and you stop having those feelings (this was an answer to the question: but how do I stop feeling sad,angry and so on) - so what I did was to go through +/- 7 days of emotional (very very private) rollercoaster - I forced myself to feel to remember to go through every thought every emotion - not trying to fix or understand - just go through it until my system started not reacting to those same feeling the way it did in the beginning - after that period of time I was calm and ok."<BR>

Bill,<P>My thoughts are with you today. I know this all sucks right now, but in time, it will get better. The tears are cleansing and I would not fight them off. Even if you need to excuse yourself from work for a short time, do it.<P>In all honesty, I have shed more tears in the past year than I had in my 30 years prior. It was as if I had finally tapped into that part of my soul and once I did, it was hard to stop.<P>You will continue to have good days as well as bad, and your moods will swing, but that is ok. It has been a year since my ex walked out of my life and although I am better, I still have my days.<P>Just keep expressing your feelings and allow yourself to feel. <B>Don't</B> close off your emotions. Divorce is a process and not an event. You are better today than you were yesterday, but not as good as you will be tomorrow. Even after D-day next week, you will still be in the "process" of healing. It does suck....just give it time.<P>Hang in there friend.

Know what you are going through. The only recommendation I can give is to talk to your family members. Mine were and still are a great source of grounding for me. They will be there for you through thick and thin.

Dear Bill,<P>I followed your posts (didn't we do a letter?). You sound like a terrific guy, a nice person, and a caring husband. If you are the kind of man who is not ashamed to cry, there are a ZILLION ladies who would like to get to know YOU better. I know that's not in your heart right now, and if your writing does reflect your heart, your sincerity and honesty are quite evident. My husband and I are beginning the nut-crunching ordeal of marital settlement. Actually, we're just lobbing scud missiles at each other's forts. I take no prisoners, though. Hehehehehe...<P>Ready, aim,<BR>Nell xxoo

Thank you all so much. Man, today just really, I mean, really sucks <P>Hopeless, I just can't stop these tears. I did just talk to her and some tears got replaced with anger, but now back to tears.<P>Pantha, I'm doing that today. I'm listening to all kinds of emotional music and reflecting.<P>Jayhawk, Thanks man, I will hang in there. So many good days I knew this one was coming.<P>Lokton, I do have great support there but it's all on the phone. I just want to be held, you know.<P>Nell, yes we did write a beautiful letter together and no I'm not ashamed to show my emotions. So where are all those women that want me Just kidding, my heart is not ready for another beating. Yes, my writing does reflect who I am an honest, sincere, loving person. So why does this happen to me.<P>Anyway Thanks to all <p>[This message has been edited by LostHusband (edited July 03, 2001).]

LostHusband<P>I understand what you mean about the tears. I went months hiding in between classes (I was a teacher) in the womens handicap stall. I hope you have something nice to do for yourself next week, something positive to look forward to. Have you ever seen this posting (see below)? I think it was basically spam, but ironically in my family where divorce had never happened, all of my cousins including myself that were married (all around the same time) divorced or are in the process this past year. 3 of us due to infidelity and the husbands just walking out on us. We vary in age, live in different states and they all have kids (I don't, thank God for that) anyway, one of my aunts sent this to me, perhaps you could use it...some of the formatting didn't come through, but you will get the idea... if you have seen it already perhaps it will remind you to have hope during these next few hard days...(otherwise sorry for the spam )<P>Take Care of yourself, I found that Root beer floats can be of help as well ( ) just not too many, we don't want to gain back all that pre-infidelity weight <P>here's the post:<P>THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM<P>Two travelling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guestroom. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."<P>The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.<P>"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it."<P>"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."<P>Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later...<P><BR>Some people come into our lives and quickly go…<P> oooO<BR> ( ) <BR>Some people \ ( <BR>become friends \_) and<BR>stay awhile...<BR>leaving beautiful<BR>footprints on our <BR>hearts... <P><BR>oooO<BR>( ) and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!<BR> \ (<BR> \_ ) <P><BR>Yesterday is history. <BR>Tomorrow a mystery. <BR>Today is a gift. <BR>That's why it's called the present!<P>I think this life is special...live and savour every moment...<BR> This is not a dress rehearsal!<P> (\ /)<BR> ( \ __ / )<BR> ( \( )/ )<BR> ( / \ ) TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL<BR> ( / \/ \ ) AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU<BR> / \ SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL<BR> ( ) SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU<BR> ____<P>THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL...<P>

<B><<So where are all those women that want me>></B><BR>Well, they're not in seedy bars or on street corners. Ann Landers once wrote, "You won't find a trout in a herring barrel." To me, that says it all.<P><B><<Yes, my writing does reflect who I am an honest, sincere, loving person. So why does this happen to me.>></B><BR>The first words to dance in head were, "Because you're vulnerable." Maybe you give too much and others take advantage of you? Maybe you're just a tad too selfless? There's more right than wrong with you, and because you're introspective, thoughtful, and rational, you'll be able to make a few minor, "internal" adjustments to avoid repeating history.<P>One day, your wife and will wake up and lament the results of her prior convictions. She will have effed up her life royally by then, and will begin to think about finding that Olympic torch she once had with you. However, you will have already passed the flame onto another, more rewarding relationship, and will have no desire to stoke her frigid hearth. You are a sensitive, honest, loving individual. She chose to be a callous, deceitful, neglectful spouse. You tried like hell to show her what you needed, and you tried like hell to meet her needs. It was never enough, or it was never right, or it backfired in your face. You either walked on eggshells or were blindsided by decisions made in secret. You lived in a catch-22 world--damned if you do and damned if you don't.<P>The one gift she gave you was release. She was not able to hold up her end of the marital bargain. She thought she was setting herself free, but it is you who may now sally forth into a new life, rich with the emotional prosperity you so keenly desire and so richly deserve. When she presents you with her cold, barren lumps of coal, there will be no guilt nor anger as you turn her away. She is the departed past, and you are the here and now.<P>I live in central Florida, by the way. LOLOL!!<P> :P <BR>Nell

Hugs Bill...<P>Feel your pain and face it... I think that's what people have been saying. Don't run from it because it won't go away. I wish we could say something that helps... Just know we're right here with ya!<P>Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts with me in the midst of your own personal pain... that's what I call serving and loving in God's name... You're really a gift... believe in God's plan for you... life sucks sometimes but you'll make it.<P>Keep posting and cryin'! We're right here with ya/ and for ya!<P>Blessings, prayers and hugs!<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nell:<BR><B>The one gift she gave you was release. She was not able to hold up her end of the marital bargain. She thought she was setting herself free, but it is you who may now sally forth into a new life, rich with the emotional prosperity you so keenly desire and so richly deserve. When she presents you with her cold, barren lumps of coal, there will be no guilt nor anger as you turn her away. She is the departed past, and you are the here and now.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think there is a lot of truth in this statement. My ex sent an email to my mom shortly after she filed for divorce which basically said that even though things don't make sense now, she was doing what was best for me in the long run. Maybe my ex really didn't feel that she had what it took to live up to her end of the marital bargain either? <P>Hey LH, watch out for those women from Florida! <P><BR>

I'm throwing myself a huge pity party today and thank you all for coming. <P>WOW! Nell how beautiful your comment were and so darn true but at the same time so hard to believe.<P>Here's the part that's getting me, in the midst of my emotional suffering, enters problem #2. Phone, Gas, & Water will be turned off Thursday. Van is scheduled to be repossed Thursday. So on top of all of the CRAP, I've got to figure out how to come up 2,500 in ..oh... two days. It's not optional, cause if any of these things happen it will hurt my court case. I'm telling you when it rains it pours. <P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

<B>Bill,</B><P>I'm so sorry about all this. I am happy to be at your pity party today. Misery loves company. Should we have a crying contest....most tears, reddest eyes, most tissues used, best recovery when someone walks in..... <P>BTW, sign up one woman in AZ who wants a guy like you!<P><B>Nell</B>,<BR>Your words were wonderful. I am going to print this and read it over and over until I start to believe it!!! All my friends say the same things to me. Perhaps I'm just a little impatient for it to happen. Thanks. <P>

Hey LostHusband,<P>So sorry for your pain. I dread having to go thru that...but I will have to face the music come this Fall too, I'm sure.<P>I just want you to know that I pray that you can rest in God's hands and send you this e-mail that my 16-yr-old neice sent me recently:<P><B>IT ALL DEPENDS </B><BR> <BR>>A basketball in my hands is worth about $19. <BR>>A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million. <BR>>It depends on whose hands it's in. <P>>A baseball in my hands is worth about $6. <BR>>A baseball in Mark McGwire's hands is worth 19 million. <BR>>It depends on whose hands it's in. <P>>A tennis racket is useless in my hands. <BR>>A tennis racket in Pete Sampras' hands is a Wimbeldon championship. <BR>>It depends on whose hands it's in. <P>>A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal. <BR>>A rod in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea <BR>>It depends on whose hands it's in. <P>>A sling shot in my hands is a toy. <BR>>A sling shot in David's hands is a mighty weapon. <BR>>It depends on whose hands it's in. <P>>Two fish and Five loaves in my hands are a couple of fish sandwiches. <BR>>Two fish and five loaves in God's hands will feed thousands. <BR>>It depends on whose hands they're in. <P>>Nails in my hands might produce a bird house. <BR>>Nails in Jesus Christ's hands will produce salvation for the entire world. <BR>>It depends on whose hands they're in. <P>>As you see now it depends on whose hands it's in <BR>>So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God's hands because, ... <BR>>It depends on whose hands they're in. <P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Hope,<P>It was for my benefit, too. A major part of emotional life, whether suffering or in play mode, is writing. I think there are days I slap 2-3,000 words on this keyboard (my second one, btw). Everyone keeps telling me how my husband's existance will eventually crumble in ruins, trying to uphold his career and social life with his addictions. The vindictive side of me says that's not good enough. I wanna SEE it happen and SAVOR the moment (hehehehe...). Puritanical Nell buffs her halo and preens her wings while cooing, "I shall pray for his wretched soul, that he may one day find sobriety through the doors of AA. I am content to be on my own path, only looking forward." I wish they had a barfing emoticon I could place here.<P>As hard as it will be, I'm not sticking around for Act II. I'll somehow further detach and reduce my anger. I don't know how; I just have to keep the faith. I think what I need most is time away from him and time to work on me. I now know what it really means to live one day at a time. An Al-Anon friend asked me what my future plans were. I said in all honesty, I don't know. All I know is what I'm going to do today. That's it, and that's enough.<P>Bill, wow, $2.5K? Parents can't shoot ya a quick loan? Hey, I know! Get your lawyer to "loan" you back some of your retainer (if you have any left!). When I'm stuck, I cash advance on the credit card. If that's maxed, I go get a new one. OK, that's a poor idea, but it could help. I was in dire straights in February. Water turned off, lights were next, no food in the house. I turned to charity. Many organizations will pay your utilities for you if you're on the final notice. Maybe car, too, I don't know. St. Vincent de Paul Society (Catholic church) will help you with your prescriptions. Call the United Way, Salvation Army, other service organizations listed in the yellow pages, your church, and mental health clinic (they usually know who the contacts are). <P>I had applied for Social Security Insurance (SSI) for assistance. (You might want to consider this option if your assets are depleted.) I was dirt poor and would have qualified for payments if it weren't for my IRA. I had rolled it over long ago from a 401K, and that baby had grown pretty hefty. So, well, I withdrew a large part of it as I was applying for disability, and it would be a while before I knew that outcome. I know I'll get hit with taxes, but I was desperate. If you can pay it back within 60 days, there's no fee. <P>Some retirement plans allow you to take a loan out against your 401K. You pay yourself back plus interest. You pay the bank a service charge. I'm sure it's more complicated than that, but you may be able to get that rolling and give your creditors a post-dated check until funds are cleared. Desperate times call for desperate measures.<P>Lastly, if nothing else, start selling the furnishings. Begin with HER stuff. Hehehehehehe...<P>Anyway, you may have already thought of these. I'll pray to God and ask Him to "send" you some money. You never know...<P>Ka-ching,<BR>Nell

Bill-<P>Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts. I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes after I cry, I feel better! Physically, my body (not necessarily my mind) feels a little more relaxed. At least for an moment. It reminds me that after the tears, there is peace. Those moments get longer and longer.<P>Nell-<BR>What an incredible post. So eloquently written and insightful. I wish I had a printer. What part of Central Florida are you from? I live a little north of Orlando. <P>Jayhawk-<BR>Hasn't anyone told you that Florida girls ROCK! But you're from Kansas; what do you know. <p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited July 03, 2001).]

gsd,<P>Yeah, we Fla-la-la-ladies do rock! Thank you for the complement. If you give me your address, I'll copy one off to you and throw it in the mail. I'm BelleNelle at AOL. I'm on the east coast, just south of Melbourne in Palm Bay. Maybe we can "do lunch" one day? <P>Nell

Bill, I have been away. How are you? Are things falling into place?<P>You do seem like such a wonderful man. Take care of yourself. Give yourself time. Cry when you need. Find a friend who can give you some hugs when you need them. I know I did that. And it really sustained me. But that might be something that's easier for a woman to do. But, if anyone asks if there's anything they can do, you could tell them you could use a hug or a pat on the back. Or you could initiate some of those one-armed sideways hugs.<P>And don't let us forget that you need us.

Cinderella,<P>Things are starting to fall into place. I literally cried from 8:00pm on Monday til 10:00am on Wednesday and man do I feel so much better. I wish everything would be final next Tuesday but the only thing that will be final is our marriage. We will have to go through mediation on custody and no one has even brought up bill's yet.<P>I talked with my lawyer this morning and since no other motions were filed I need not be present at that hearing, but I think that I will go.<P>Again to all of you out there THANKS SO VERY MUCH for your kind words and support.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Still thinkin' and praying for you. Glad you let the flood gates of tears fully open... there has to be some catharsis in that. One day at a time... custody and bill discussions will come.<P>Blessings...<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17