This is something I would REALLY like to hear other peoples views on, because as a Christian this has been very hard for me...but as a woman something that was very much needed.<BR>After 27 years of marriage we are calling it quits, things just got so stale (and boring and lonely for me), as we had not had sex for several years(his choice). Over the past few years we have just lived like brother and sister, and my husband would have been fine for it to go on being like that.<BR>I wanted more. He didnt feel he could give me more. As far as he was concerned, being a good provider covers everything, and my own needs - physical, mental and emotional were pushed aside. In my early 40s...kids now adults...no direction...we are divorcing, and I have a wonderful man in Scandinavia (younger) who meets all those needs, and we have spent a few months together already. There may or may not be a future. And, although all this stuff is pretty new and scarey to me, I also feel a sense of freedom and release to be able to live my life the way Id like to...and not to live my life in default because of my (ex)husbands preferences.<BR>The seperation so far...has been fairly amicable, as we both acknowlege the situation has gone on long enough.<BR>But, I would still really love to hear from others who have been anywhere near this kind of situation.

You may have the wrong website. This is a marriage builders website and is dedicated to saving marriages. You don't say much about what you did to save your marriage except find someone else to meet your needs.<P>Those on this forum are for the most part divorced or about to be divorced because their attempts at saving their marriage failed. I don't think you will see too many post with the smiley face icon about getting divorced. <P>There are people here who actually have good reasons, all types of abuse,for getting out of their marriage, that still tried to save their marriage.<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited July 03, 2001).]

Chipmunk, I can sympathize with you. My marriage has not been totally celibate but my husband, for reasons I don't understand and he can't seem to explain, could probably live out the rest of our marriage (or at least a very long time) without sex. We have other issues as well, but I really think that I could deal with the others (i.e. have the patience and understanding to stay and work on them) if we at least had a physically intimate relationship. We usually go months before he allows my (now sporadic) attempts at initiation to lead him to 'the act'. We separated several months ago and had a recent meeting with a divorce mediator. We are also being very amicable but it's still sad because I would much rather have him meeting my EN's than divorcing. But we have been working on things for almost a year and he still has not made strides in that direction (and I don't understand why when I have been very specific about what I need) and I have run out of patience and hope.<P>RWD, I would only say that you may have jumped to a conclusion that may not be correct. You seem to think that Chipmunk has not tried to reconcile the issues in her marriage. Do you really think that she hasn't tried to save a marriage that she has spent 21 years in? Her husband has told her that he has no interest in working with her to meet her needs. What would you have her do? Pretend that her husband doesn't know what he wants and try a multitude of different ways over the rest of her life to get him to change his mind? In my opinion her reasons for wanting out of her marriage are just as good as the other reasons you cited. Yes, this is Marriage Builders, but if people were not supposed to come here and discuss their divorces, then why do they have a separate place to do that? If for no other reason, it gives others headed in that direction a look at what divorce is really like, and that has just as much relevance in a Marriage Builders website as Emotional Needs does.<P>Just my opinion.<BR>

Ava,<BR>No where did I read in her comments that she tried counseling or anything else. She said their marriage was tired and boring and she had now met someone in Scandanavia that is meeting all those needs. <P>Sounds awful alot like to me like an affair and she is looking for justification. Also hits awful close to my situation, except my kids aren't grown. <P>She says she is Christian and is still married, but has met someone else, what would you call that???

I have to agree with RWD on this one. This is a site devoted to saving marriages. Those of us that are on this forum wanted(and still want) our marriages to work out. There are those who even see divorce as a step to reconciliation.<P>That said....Chipmunk if you were not happy being married the noble thing to do would have been to get the divorce before finding someone else to meet your needs. Now answer this question.....would you have left your H if there was not another man, a safe place for you to go to escape the guilt and hurt you are inflicting? What happens when Mr. Scandinavia decides he has had his fun and moves on to the next older woman who needs his help?<P>It shows a lack of personal strength to go the route you have chosen. Good Luck.

{{{{{{ Chipmunk }}}}}}<P>I am truly sorry....27 years....wow....I was married for 18 years, our kids are 17, 15, 13, and 6. Its truly a difficult burden to bear. You be strong, okay?<P>I think that anyone who comes here at the end of a 27 year marriage has tried to make it work. My XW and I never made it to counseling, she ran too fast, and there were other reasons.<P>I would call this a very sad and deplorable situation for all involved, that is what I would call it. The mistake being made here, in my opinion is that WE are assuming a lot (we have no right), and this forum is for anyone that wants to post, and be pleasant, and helpful. Personally, my Christian beliefs cause me to want to reconcile as well, but my XW is making love to a former friend a block away in an apartment that I basically pay the rent on (I'm unemployed). Our sex life had been horrible for over 10 years, sporadic is not an adequate word to describe it. 'Nuff said, read my other posts, lest you get confused about me, as well.<P>Chipmunk, I am certain that you have enough guilt about your situation...more so than you desreve. When one partner withholds sex, it is to make a point, and get their way. Funny thing is, they usually are the one saying how special it is, and how they need a connection....quite correct all of that, but then they move away, and make that impossible. We get to take the blame, and the cold shower. Well, 10 years of that is enough, I guess, but she D'ed me, not the other way around. I am glad you have found someone...that is great news. Yes, I'd have preferred it be your H, but I'm sure that you agree with that, plus...be realistic, he's not at the table, is he? I would admonish you to get the D straight before proceeding full steam...you will feel better about it then, believe me. What you do is your business, and none of mine, just wanted to let you know that what I support is you feeling better, and finding a way to be happy, and that you have a good relationship with your Creator.<P>Take care, and God bless you.

Hmmmm...you mention counselling....been there,,did that several years ago! Even got re-married for our 25th anniversary 2 years ago...that was never consumated! My husband promised to love me as a husband...not as a step brother or a best friend! We are not in love any more...nor do either of us find the other physically attractive now...so you think that we should stay in the marriage to keep it intact for the sake of it? NO WAY - I found this other man quite by chance, and it is wonderful to feel the love he gives! Think on this...in 27 years my husband never called me darling, baby, sweetheart,...he never even told me I was lovely or beautiful...what he did tell me in the past few years is that all marriages are like ours...and when I refused to believe that, the marriage lie was through! To my new guy, I am all those wonderful words and many more...I am in heaven! (we spend months apart b/c of his location) So editors...dont be so cruel...I feel as though I am loved at last. (God still loves me too - thats why my icon is that way...my God is awsome, cool and loves all of his princesses, no matter what they do) <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by chipmunk:<BR><B>This is something I would REALLY like to hear other peoples views on, because as a Christian this has been very hard for me...but as a woman something that was very much needed.<BR>After 27 years of marriage we are calling it quits, things just got so stale (and boring and lonely for me), as we had not had sex for several years(his choice). Over the past few years we have just lived like brother and sister, and my husband would have been fine for it to go on being like that.<BR>I wanted more. He didnt feel he could give me more. As far as he was concerned, being a good provider covers everything, and my own needs - physical, mental and emotional were pushed aside. In my early 40s...kids now adults...no direction...we are divorcing, and I have a wonderful man in Scandinavia (younger) who meets all those needs, and we have spent a few months together already. There may or may not be a future. And, although all this stuff is pretty new and scarey to me, I also feel a sense of freedom and release to be able to live my life the way Id like to...and not to live my life in default because of my (ex)husbands preferences.<BR>The seperation so far...has been fairly amicable, as we both acknowlege the situation has gone on long enough.<BR>But, I would still really love to hear from others who have been anywhere near this kind of situation.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

This is a very intersting topic to me. My husband and I have not really been attracted to each other physically for 25 years. I know that being a christian holds you to the belief that you surrender your body to your husband - I know that in my head, and I know that from many years of bible study. But...how do you tell your heart and your body the same thing. It's a different story. I know that passion fades, but the sad thing about me is that I found passion in my affair. It is sad - and it is over. But - I don't know how to fix it. Do I hurt my husband further by telling him that I never felt that kind of attraction and passion for him? Is that what God wants me to do? Is that what I want to tell my little toddlers to do when they are adults? Do I tell them to hold out for passion and heart felt love, or to stay with someone that has cared about you and hopes that someday you'll feel it? <P>This is a really hard thing for me to think about. I'm on the brink of being old (38) and don't want to get to the point where I wished that I had stayed (with my faithful loving husband) or wished that I had left (for someone that I was attracted to and was attracted to me). <P>Ok - have I watched the Bridges of Madison County too many times? <P>

I tried to get my head around this one for many years - the idea of the Godly wife and her husband. I think God had his hand on me (then as now) and kept me in the marriage until both kids were adults. My "wiping chins" days are gone...and although its tough for all of us, they are adults and will have to deal with it. We all are. Its a lot harder when there are little children around...and part of me wants to say "bite the bullet and wait until they are older", but take it to the Lord and He will guide you. My own parents divorced just after I married in my late teens, and my dad...who died a few years ago, met and re-married a very Godly woman, and they were devoted to each other (and she got him to start going to church again after more than 30 yrs !). It may yet work out for you...I certainly hope so...and just for the record...I still love my husband - as a Christian brother and a nice guy. God Bless. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LivingInLimbo:<BR><B>This is a very intersting topic to me. My husband and I have not really been attracted to each other physically for 25 years. I know that being a christian holds you to the belief that you surrender your body to your husband - I know that in my head, and I know that from many years of bible study. But...how do you tell your heart and your body the same thing. It's a different story. I know that passion fades, but the sad thing about me is that I found passion in my affair. It is sad - and it is over. But - I don't know how to fix it. Do I hurt my husband further by telling him that I never felt that kind of attraction and passion for him? Is that what God wants me to do? Is that what I want to tell my little toddlers to do when they are adults? Do I tell them to hold out for passion and heart felt love, or to stay with someone that has cared about you and hopes that someday you'll feel it? <P>This is a really hard thing for me to think about. I'm on the brink of being old (38) and don't want to get to the point where I wished that I had stayed (with my faithful loving husband) or wished that I had left (for someone that I was attracted to and was attracted to me). <P>Ok - have I watched the Bridges of Madison County too many times? <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I for one am very glad you posted chipmunk. I've been hanging out at the emotional needs board for more than a year now. I've been celibate for 8 years. My counsellor says celibate marriages are not uncommon. If that's true, those people aren't posting at MB very much! I feel like such an oddball. Add to that the erosion of my self esteem, self confidence and sense of self worth over the years as my H rejects me in so many different ways, and I too am about ready to call it quits. <P>My C emphasized to me yesterday that I am responsible for my own happiness. I've clung long and hard to the notion that I can carve out some happiness for myself within the context of a celibate marriage where my H is emotionally absent. I've been on that path for a long time. At this point, the pain I feel exceeds the amount of love I have for my H. In order to excercise self care and do everything within my own power to meet my own emotional needs, I believe I'm slowly reaching the same conclusion as you. It's time to let go and move on.

chipmunk, I also lived in a nearly celibate marriage for years and a completely celibate marriage for 2 years. Ironically, what rekindled our sex life seems to have been his affair, which I didn't know was going on at the time. <P>I had decided to take one final stab at a sexual relationship and seduced him in the hot tub last August. This time he actually responded passionately! But the next day he began raging at me about his jealousy over an old boyfriend of mine from 25 years ago who my H had decided, from reading my journals, that I loved more than him. This was based mostly on things written during the relationship with this old boyfriend but also because I'd wistfully mentioned him more recently, remembering and missing the passion since I was living in a sexless marriage with a H who rejected my advances and made me feel unattractive and undesirable. <P>My sex life was rekindled, but my H was already firmly entrenched in the A. He continued to rage at me for 4 months, then moved in with OW in December 2000, and has been with her ever since, except for 1.5 months of reconciliation where he continued to cheat on me. "Cheating" on her, as he called it, seemed to be very arousing to him, so I assume that cheating on me was also arousing. We now have no contact because I have a permanent restraining order because of all his abuse.<P>I don't know what I would have done if I'd met a young Scandinavian, or anyone with whom I experienced a mutual attraction. I am turning 50 (alone ) next month, but the 35 year old, reasonably attractive married maintenance man who works for our business has made many flattering and even seductive comments to me. Thankfully, I'm not attracted to him, but I'm flattered, which is good for my ego.<P>I wish you luck. I used to obsess about spending the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. Now my H has chosen to leave. At least I will soon be free and hopefully, in time, will find someone else who loves me, isn't abusive, finds me attractive, and even enjoys sex with me.