I am a new member. I just signed on yesterday. I became aware of this website last year when I was looking for some help with marriage counseling. I have been receiving the newsletter and I have read some of the information regarding infidelity. I need some interaction now. Please help.<P>My husband and I have been fighting an uphill battle for several years. I don't want to get into blaming. I have really been trying to heal from the bitterness and anger that causes me to continue to blame.<P>We are recovering drug addicts with more then 10 yaers clean. There has been infidelity (on both our parts), abuse(physical and emotional), lots of lying and lots of neglect and rejection in our 21 year relationship. Yes, we will have been married for 16 years on Oct. 5, 2001, but together for 21 years. We have two children, an almost 18 y/o son and an almost 14 y/o daughter.<P>Most recent: We seperated last year. While we were seperated we still had a lot of contact with each other. I also met someone and started somewhat of a relationship with him, but lied to my husband about it. He questioned my sincerity regarding another man, but I held true to the lie that I was not seeing anyone else. Then one night he found my car in the hotel parking lot and the cat was out of the bag. He was furious. He went to our house, which at the time he was not living in, kicked the doors down and threw all my things on the lawn in the rain. My children where in the house begging him not to do it but he was in a blind rage. From that point on I promised not to see this guy anymore and we began to consider reconciliation. <P>Then my husband begand dating someone. It was a mess. He was angry and hurt and began to lie to me and/or abouse me with his new girlfriend. He did everything he could to pay me back for the pain I caused him including telling me he loved the girl and comparing her good qualities to my negetive qualities.<P>Finally, he came home. He decided he wanted his family and he was going to stop what he was doing. We argued all the time, throwing each others indescretions in each others face. Both justifying our actions. Both wrong. <P>Then one day he told me he didn't want me in his life anymore. He said Marcus (our son) made him sick and he was just sick of being with us. With this I took an overdose of pills and tried to end my life. <P>Shortly after my suicide attempt I moved out, with my duaghter, for about 3 months. It got really hard for us because of the enviornment we lived in and the fact that I had little or no income. So, We moved back in the house. Only this time I did not sleep with my husband. I slept with my daughter. We moved all of our stuff into her room and he had our bedroom to himself. We still were having sex, frequently, but I could not sleep in that room with him. We basically lived seperate lives. Only I was not dealing well with the women calling and his frequent nights out. <P>Finally we had a big argument, I was being just plain ugly that day, and he moved out he says for good. He has re-started the divorce that was put into action last year but never finalized. It has come as close as me having to sign the documents, but I have not signed them. We are using a legal clinic and I have not agreed with the terms he has had written in the petition for divorce. This has been going on since May. <P>He is determined to have this divorce and I am determined not too. I don't think there is anything too big for God to fix, and I believe that if we both agreed to live the principals we already know we could save our marriage in spite of the trust many trust issues that we both have. But my husband does not want to hear any of that he just wants a divorce. <P>Finally, this past weekend we spent a good part of the weekend together. It was great. I still love him, still love making love to him and still enjoy his company. He was very kind and loving. But I was painfully aware that this was nothing more than a nice weekend. It didn't mean "Reconciliation" by no means. Although we have not discussed the "D" in almost 2 weeks, I know it is still pending and it is still his earnest desire to have. He is very angry and bitter and he is having a very difficult time getting delivered. Mostly because he doesn't want to be delivered, because he does know and have the tools necessary to get free. But he is totally in denial to his bondage.<P>Please talk to me. Please help..<P>I forgot to click on the email response button and I don't know how to change it. idostylin@msn.com<P><p>[This message has been edited by idostylin (edited July 03, 2001).]

So, welcome here... Have you then read about Plan A and are you implementing this - not only the being nice, and meeting emotional needs but surveying your lovebusters and the laws of marriage? Read up on these first of all, try not to have too many expectations of your H, if he pursues a divorce that's not the final solution... you can still build a new relationship with him. You do have history but it's tattered and torn... I think you may need to concentrate of yourself for a while - in the meantime, trying to instigate a Plan A on your H and children. <P>Let us know what your plan is and how you're doing along the way.<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Thanks for your quick response. I feel like I am in ICU. <P>I dont' know where to find Plan A and Plan B. I have looked for it but i have not been successful.<P>My "H" just e-mailed me and asked me about signing the "D" papers. Just as soon as I wrote that we had not discussed it he brings it up. How disparing just before the holiday.<P><BR>

I am sorry that you are here. I know that you don't want to be here, no one wants to be here....I am glad you are here, and I am glad that I stopped by your thread. I see here an opportunity to make something right...not on my part mind you, but on yours. There are a few things that seem apparent enough from your post, do you mind if I elaborate? Hope not, because I'm going to anyway...people here will tell you that!<P>It seems as though you and your H are a lot alike...I mean a lot! The same is true about my XW and me, although she will deny it. You hold on WAY too tightly to things, and can't seem to let go. I'm not saying to give up, I am saying to, as .38 Special said...'hold on loosely, but don't let go' Did it, for example, actually surprise you that he mentioned the D papers? No, it HURT you. I'll venture to say that you got ANGRY about that, which...even if you don't respond angrily to him...affected the interaction in a negative way. It is not enough to let things 'slide', they never 'slide'...trust me! God wants you to be CONTENT in your present situation...yes, CONTENT...No one is asking you to be happy about it, or to roll over...just be content...It's easier than you think...Realize one thing...your marriage is where it is at, there is no fixing it, there is no 'way back machine', here, Sherman. Sad, hell yes....over? Probably. Fixable? Not in its current state.<P>What you need is a new relationship with him that takes into account your ACTUAL needs. What do you want/need from him? (And be SPECIFIC here, the trouble with people is that they DON'T know what they want, and they DENY what they need. Here is a good way to tell what you want...what have you tried the hardest to give to him? That is most likely WHAT YOU WANT FROM HIM, not the other way around. Is it possible to talk to him about needs in a rational way?<P>Would he be willing to talk with me about it? I was married for 18 years, and we have 4 children, the people that my XW went to had other plans for her, and she is dating one of them now. Its, well...pretty bad, to be honest...it hurts like hell most of the time...but, I have discovered that the way I handled things in the past would not help this time. (Angry outbursts...big LB) I have wanted to be extremely physically violent with this 'man', and a couple of others in the situation, but I have not even said a word about it...VERY DIFFICULT, I might add...did I say I was a man? Wasn't kidding there...the testosterone is fairly expolding out of me, I am ready to ().....Then, I realized the root cause of all of my problems.....PRIDE. The exact thing I am talking about...pride and anger. Pride leads to anger, which leads you to embarass yourself...oops, need more pride...damn, got more anger...oh, well...get more pride, etc. We are all at the mercy of small children inside...look at your life, and tell me I am wrong. Now, why is that?? Why do babies cry? To get their needs met, that's why.<P>Now, for some predictions:<BR>Your H won't talk to me....he is a proud man. His reasons?<BR>1. I am divorced...what would I know about making it work? (Plenty...plenty.)<BR>2. He can take care of his own problems. (Really?!)<BR>3. You should just 'know' how to act, if you don't you're defective. (Uh, yes, about that...WRONG!)<BR>4. There are more, but they don't get any more intelligent, or appropriate.<BR>5. You will give up, and walk out again, except this time, you won't go back.<BR>6. He will be devastated by that, and attempt to win you back.<BR>7. You will be unmoved by all of that.<BR>8. Something drastic will be done...again. I can't predict beyond that, but IT AIN'T GOOD, SISTER!<P>Okay, enough gloom, let's set about getting things inline, and see if we can steer your ship off of the reef. I am afraid that it is entirely up to you here, at least for the time being. You definitely need to take a hard, uncompromising look at yourself, and come to some hard conclusions. You are still an addict...truth is we are all dependent on something beyond our capacity to cope with its absence. Sometimes, its drugs, sometimes its alcohol, sometimes it approval...what is it for you? With me, its approval...gotta have it, can't do without it. I am a fairly moral fellow, not a bible thumper, and I feel there is 'room' for alot in God's plan, but that's just me. I live the scriptures as much as I can, and I don't need any earthly validation for my actions...my value system is based on good, and I am true to it...that's integrity, and that is what all of us (addicts) seek...integrity. Look the word up in the dictionary...you might not be clear enough on its meaning...I wasn't. The root word, integrate, carries the implication that you are putting pieces together to make a whole. That is the process that you are in now, but your pieces are scattered about the floor like so much debris. Hey, these 'pieces' are your life, your spirit, your soul....pick them up very gently, and HOLD on to those! These pieces are what he loves about you, and you two have shattered them into many tiny shards...they cannot exist alone, you need to maintain them. Get your Bible out...do you know where it is? Do you need one? Get one. I am not asking you to go overboard with this, but the Bible is still the best self (?) help book ever written, get what you need from God, this situation is just the thing He loves to help with. That is the void in your life, dear lady, not your marriage. Get right with Him, and things will get better, you may even be able to start a new relationship with your husband. My website is available in my profile, and there is what is known as a mailto link on the first page, on the lower left hand corner...click there, if you want to e-mail me, I have some stuff for you to read, okay? If you are serious, you can win the day, but you need to get started, the train is leaving the station without you right now.<P>God bless you.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 03, 2001).]