I've been married 23 years and have known for a long time it's over. My H is a great man to other people, he would help anyone and give them his last dime, makes a good living but I am no longer interested. A little background:<P>For the first 15 years of our marriage he did whatever he pleased, went out and stayed gone for hours, came home drunk, went places a married man should not be going. We've had so many talks, he would say he's sorry, it will never happen again but it did over and over. As time went on I kept telling him I was losing interest in him and he would play the dutiful husband for about 2 days and then back to his old self. When my youngest daughter was born (she's 14 now) he went out to play cards the night we brought her home from the hospital. We just had our 23rd anniversary and guess what we did to celebrate, actually we did nothing, he played cards with the boys. He doesn't drink anymore but pretty much does his own thing. We went away for the weekend together about 6 months ago and had nothing to talk about, it was the most boring weekend of my life.<P>I feel like I'm living with my brother and would be completely happy just living as is but he constantly pressures me for sex and gets mad when he doesn't get it. When will he realize that I can get sex anywhere but for the last 23 years I needed a husband? I have been completely faithful to him and he is the only man I have EVER been with. <P>I have asked him for a divorce and he tells me he just doesn't understand what the problem is and he is not going anywhere, I have told him over and over again what the problem is but of course for him it's not a problem and he just doesn't get it. <P>I would file for a divorce myself but I am scared to death to be alone. I just feel too old to start over.<BR>

Hi ajnjj,<P>I don't have any advice but I did want ot welcome you to the site...lotta smart and nice folks here. Also, I responded to you cus I'm from your neck of the woods (Galax, Va) but live in gawdawful Northern Virginia now. <P>Oh well.....good luck to you, ajnjj......keep reading MB.<P>Xman

You are being abused and he is not living up to his promise to love you and be faithful<P>He is taking advantage of your saying that he is the only one you have ever been with<P>I suggest this<P>Start going out<P>But do it just as he is going out too<P>When you know he is coming home to go out be ready with nice outfits and make up on<P>It will make the insensitive him think<P>Get a minister in your area involved in your situation or counsellor before all hell breaks loose<P>You are wasting your life away with your faithful attitude<P>Write to my minister also for advice and get out of your situation<P>Make yourself a life<P>Carol ur2rad@aol.com (minister's email ad)<BR>

If you had a stomachache you would go to a doctor. If your garden withered you'd grt books on gardening, or talk to experts and educate yourself. You know your marriage is seriously broken, that is a start, moving out of denial to awareness is the first step. I suspect you thought for many years this was your fault, if only you were a "better" wife, and so forth, also you have the normal survival instincts we all do, a roof is better than no roof, but eventually the price (your mental health) is too high. From your words your husband is clearly an abuser, one does not have to beat someone to abuse them. Emotional neglect, and/or anger, belittlement, withdrawal (leaveing you alone) etc. are all abusive behaviours. First step is to make a decision, you won't live rest of your life this way. Second step is to educate yourself, there are many books out there about abusive relationships, start studying, maybe find a counsellor that deals with this stuff (but be careful, many counsellors are not effective, so study up first so you can assess this). You might also read all the stuff on this site to assess what you want to do with your marriage (leave, or attempt to fix it). Mostly, just educate yourself now, and work on changing your thinking in a positive, healthy manner. You don't want to act out of anger, or depression, but out of understanding who you are, what your life is like, and what you want. Another good practical book is by a man named Dr Phil Mcgraw called Life Strategies....it is essentially a interactive course in taking control of your life, go read it, and do the work. Good luck.

Hi AJNJJ,<P>I would suggest to focus on the things that are really important to you, like your daughter, and nurture that. I guess I'm saying this on the assumption that he won't be willing to go for counseling. You have been living separate lives for a long time. He seems to need someone else to point out his destructive behaviors. Maybe AA if he's an alcoholic - but I haven't experienced that and can't be much help in that area. Heck, I'm probably not gonna be much help anyway - but I wanted you to know someone out here cares.<P>Does your daughter see any of this going on around her, or have you managed to keep her from it and make her life as normal as possible? If you can't see staying with him, can you make it until she's 18 and maybe going to college before you make any big moves? Not that I'm saying to do that, just asking the question. This is so hard for me to post on because honestly I think I'd want out too but I'd be patient for the kids' sakes since it's already been a large number of years so what's a few more, BUT I would live as if divorced (just my personal feeling). I mean my focus would be on my kids and off of him. Not that I'd stop being faithful and go out and screw around, but stay focussed on good things in life and not him (and ya, sex with him would be a thing of the past-who knows where he's been?). Does he get violent against you when he wants sex and doesn't get it? I'd definitely get out now if there is any violence.<P>Living alone is very scary. I was a homemaker for 10 years with 2 kids, married for 14 years, with him for 20 years. I don't have a degree and XH makes a bundle. I guess that's helping me get going because he has to pay me a lot, but when alimony runs out it'll be all up to me and that is scary. And I think the rest of my life will be single since he ruined my health with his extramarital screwing around, so it REALLY is going to be all up to me! But I think time gets you used to the idea and you start to like the idea of having your OWN life, home, things, friends and interests. I don't have a job yet and am moving back to my home state - but really I'm not worried because God is my best friend and I have a huge family to help me and that's worth a lot. It is scary to think about when you're not there. I know one thing, going it alone sure shows you what you're made of!<P>My hope is that he makes changes, but I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited July 04, 2001).]

Thanks to all of you for your replies.<P>I know my H loves me as strange as that may sound but he can't give me what I need, he's a "think of myself first" kinda guy. <P>As Carolbo said, You are wasting your life away with your faithful attitude", when I hit 40 and started looking at my life this is exactly what I said to myself. I look at my two sisters who have both been divorced, one of them 3 times, but both are very successful in their careers and are in very loving relationships now but I saw what they went through while going through their divorces and it really scares me.<P>My daughter and I pretty much do our own thing. She's very active in sports and I stay gone every day or two attending games or practices. She is to the point she doesn't even want her dad involved in her life, at least this is what she says. She has a lot of attitude and takes it out on me, I think this is to get her dad's attention. Other than that I don't really go out with friends, I don't have any.....for years I worked and concentrated on my kids and family and didn't really have time to make friends. <P>Unless there's a counsellor at the river that he could talk to while he's fishing there's not a prayer he would ever go. When it comes down to it, why would he, he honestly thinks there is nothing wrong with our relationship. <P>I just simply don't want to leave my home. I worked for 20 years and paid every dime I made to pay this house off, of course he was paying other bills but was also buying all the toys he wanted (Harley Davidson, Camper - for hunting, we never went camping the 3 years we owned the thing, guns -he thinks he has to have every one on the market), if he want it, he gets it.<P>I just feel like a robot, I do the same things every day but I know it's time to do something, right or wrong.<P>I'm going to check at my local college and try finishing my degree in Accounting and just try to make a life of my own.<P>You guys are the greatest for listening, you just don't know how much better it is to know other people have experienced what you have, even though I am so sorry anyone has to go through these things, but just knowing someone seems to care and understand makes a world of difference.<P>

My wife told me the exact same scenario after 10 years of marriage. We both new something was missing. We have two small children ages 4 and 5.<P>My wife kicked me out and stuck to her guns (about that she did not love me anymore and did not want to see me at all) with what seemed like forever. We were seperated for about 6 months. I look at it as a blessing now that saved my life and my kids hearts and future.<P>Time apart did us both good. I think we both found out what was important in life to us and what we wanted. I was probably worse that your husband as to how I treated my wife, and I never cheated on her.<P>Time apart is the only true test of each of your committments to each other. I had a desire deep down inside that told me to go after my wife with every ounce of energy I had. Even though my marriage was far from happy and I was looking for other ways to pass the time, I just knew that working hard at my marriage was the right thing to do.<P>We have only been back together for a few months, but it is better than it has ever been. We both were takers before and held grudges and did our own seperate things. Both kinda scared to face reality that is was over.<P>Now I think we are both givers and forgivers, and realize (finally grew up) that we were to each other but a gift from God. We are blessed to have each other and the smiles and the laughter and the time together is priceless.<P>You have the right to do whatever you want to do. You can only control your decisions. I wish you the best. Reading and playing outside with my kids helped soften my heart. Find something that you like doing to keep your mind off things, figure out what you need to do, and do it. You are special and you deserve to be happy. Happy equals work sometimes to!<P>Take care!