I think I have read every post on the board about divorce and infidelity. I am the screw up in our relationship - at least in the outward sense. I had the affair. It was over seven months ago but I am paying for it every day. In front of my kids - he tells me how horrible I am. He says that if I'm "really sorry - I won't watch Sex in the City and read Cosmo magazine" and several other requests that I consider "out there". We have been to counsellors, we have read a million books we have been through a million fights. He says I want a life that isn't consistant with his beliefs. The funny thing is that I never heard any of these concerns from him until AFTER my affair. I'm willing to help out. I Came home from my apartment to watch our kids on Sunday BEFORE Sex and the City came on to make a obvious effort that I'm trying (didn't watch it). I didn't make mention of it - and he didn't even notice (I don't think). I just wonder what all of the hurt people out there think "remose" is? Please tell me...how can I fix things if no one tells me how to fix it? We have been to several marriage counsellors that have tried to help us through this - I'm just wondering if he just can't forgive and I need to accept this and let him leave. He served me seven months ago with divorce and holds this over my head constantly. I am desperate for a life - if not with him, alone. I want to have goals and dreams. I don't want to feel like he is my "Dad" telling me what magazines to read. My kids need to see us communicating or completeley separate. <P>Please help me...I'm trying. I have done everything my husband has wanted. No communication with the affair guy. I have ended relationships with all of my questionable friends. I am completely open and honest about everything in my day. I don't know what else I can do to help him know that I'm sorry. I have told him that I am trying to understand his pain, and I wish with everything in me that I could do it again, but I can't. I just want to keep my family together, and he says that it's not enough. <P>What else can I do? <P>By the way...I posted before and got some good responses about a book that I have ordered. I hope that helps, but I would love some good practical advice from people that have been hurt - what exactly can I do to help my relationship, or how long until I know I should give up.<P>Thanks. <P>

I don't think seven months is really enough time for this kind of wound to heal. It is <I>extremely</I> inappropriate for your husband to put you down in front of your kids, and it really doesn't sound as if he is handling this situation well right now, but perhaps with time and continued effort on your part he may settle down.<P>I think it's too early to tell whether your husband can forgive, but unfortunately the divorce process proceeds at its own rate and you may have to "let him leave". Just remember that divorce is not necessarily the end of a relationship, especially with kids involved. If you don't want the divorce, I'd suggest that you be obstructive but non-combative. That can be a pretty difficult line to walk.<P>I'm not quite sure what to think about the magazines and the TV show. It's possible that your husband is using your affair as an excuse to control you, but I doubt that's really what's going on. His position is not as "out there" as you may think. Both Cosmo and Sex in the City glamorize a promiscuous lifestyle. Your husband may have seen your exposure to these as basically harmless until he learned of your infidelity. He wouldn't have expressed concern because he wouldn't have <I>had</I> concern. He had confidence in your discernment. Now, though, he is sees these things as bad influences, and he may even think that your interest in them is evidence that you share their (lack of) values. He is afraid that you want a promiscuous lifestyle yourself.<P>It sounds like you really <I>are</I> trying, and there may not be much else you can do except be patient and understanding. Your contrition is crucial, but it's not going to make your husband's pain vanish. It's going to take him time to realize that divorce isn't going to make his pain vanish either.<P>

LIL,<BR>It hard to understand what the betrayed partner is going through. I still don't watch TV unless its kids stuff or sports because I can't stand to see infidelity winked at on TV. While I agree that him demeaning you is wrong, you have to understand, if he is like me, his very core, all his beliefs have been rocked. <P>Everybody reacts differently. He probably has friends telling him to lose you and find someone else, but yet he probably still loves you but is afraid of being hurt again so he is confused.<P>After I discovered my w's affair with a co-worker, I insisted she leave the job because that's weher she met him plus I felt she was missing out on family things by working steady second shift. I had a couple other things too, but she insisted that she couldn;t leave that job, it was the best she ever had, she liked everyone she worked with, etc. Within 5 months of our divorce, she got another job because "they were out to get her."<P>All I can recommend is to hang in there. Check with the recovery board because there are people there dealing with what you are, probably from both sides.<P>God Bless.<P>Unfortunetly this takes time.

GnomeDePlume and RWD took the words right out of my mouth. One thing struck me as I was reading your post, though. You detailed your husband's boundaries very well. I was wondering what yours were? I mean OK, you were the one who cheated, and the responsibility is on you to show your willingness to help your mate recover from your thoughtless indiscretion. Your motivation appears above average in cooperation, and you have met his conditions, demands, and requests as they arose. He dangles the threat of divorce over your head, and disparages you in front of the children. Where are your limits, LivingInLimbo? Yes, you'll have to tolerate outburts and tantrums from your husband while he heals, but you are a person, too. You have some needs, I'm sure. You would not be out of bounds demanding that the children be spared from all hateful, insulting comments. It is also reasonable (at least to me) that you tell your husband to lay off the divorce intimidation. You know he's filed; he knows he's filed. Put up or shut up. He has a right to be angry, even to rage on occasion. He does not have a right to demean you, or place idle threats over your head like <I>The Pit and the Pendulum.</I> If you're willing to go the extra lap around the equator to make your spouse happy and whole again, then you may need to set him straight about how you feel. If he wants to divorce you, you're emotionally ready. If he wants to recover together, you're emotionally ready. You have to recover, too.<P>Blessings,<BR>Belle

LivinginLimbo,<P>I am going to write to you from the entirely opposite side of the coin. I am the one whose spouse had an affair, so I am in your H's shoes--in fact, I have been reconciled with my spouse about the same length of time that you have been. I thought it might be helpful to you to hear what is going on in my head so you might find a clue as to what's going on in his head.<P>When you are the spouse who is left (as I was), everything that you THOUGHT was a solid foundation is not just ruined--it is taken away. I thought my spouse was a bit of a jerk, but he was affectionately "my jerk." I thought he enjoyed looking at and flirting with OW, but in the end, he left them and picked me. I thought that I could absolutely, solidly depend upon the fact the one other human on this planet really knew me, still picked me inspite of myself, and would always work things out. I thought our marriage was unique, better than most, special, and great in it's own little way. I also thought I was an okay woman (fairly attractive and smart, and a great lover), a very good wife (faithful and dutiful), and an excellent mother. Once he walked out that door, all of that went away--ALL OF IT. <P>Suddenly on Feb. 3rd, 2000 I had it blown up into my face, and I wasn't ready for it. I could not believe that someone I depended on and trusted with every part of me, could now turn around and use that to hurt me. I could not accept the fact that he DIDN'T leave the OW and pick me! I could not grasp the fact that our marriage was not special or better than most or unique. And I REALLY could not get a grip on the idea that the one person in all the world that I thought of as being on my side and looking out for me and thinking of my best interests--wasn't on my side at all! The very person I thought was going to be with me through everything was now only looking out for himself and was actually kind of my enemy. See? I still have trouble with that concept! As to the "okay woman (fairly attractive and smart, and a great lover), a very good wife (faithful and dutiful), and an excellent mother" part--well, I was apparently not the kind of woman he found attractive, didn't like the kind of woman I was, my sexual skills were apparently lacking, I sucked as a wife because faithfulness and duty weren't important, and who could tell what the heck kind of mother I was!! If all the rest of it was an illusion, maybe being a good mom was too! <P>Anyway, in addition to all that explosion of confusion and pain, there's the day-to-day stuff, like how do I make a living now? How do I pay the bills? Will my job pay the mortgage? What do I say to the kids? What do I say to friends? Should I tell my family or his/her family? How can I work when I feel like this? How do I get the kids to their activities when I can't leave work? How will the house chores get done? You get the drift. It's enough to make the strongest person collapse.<P>Well, finally, after a little while, I got myself together. I started to get my own routines and get my own self "back on track". I myself knew I was back on track when I realized I was starting to feel joy again. But even as I was rebuilding myself and starting to get life going again in some tolerable way, in the back of my mind was this HUGE GAPING HOLE!! Trust me, it will never, EVER be the same! Everything about me has changed! Somewhere in the midst of all this, it also occured to me that my whole entire perception of my marriage has been a lie. I thought I was special, and I was not. I thought my spouse was faithful and respectful of me, and he was not. I thought I was secure, and I was NOT! So, here comes another incomprehensible thing: my perception of my marriage was all an illusion!! I had to let it go in order to move forward, but admitting to myself that it was all an illusion was VERY HARD--still is!<P>So by the grace of God and some hard work, after about a year we decided to reconcile. The pain of the affair and the after-affects of that were nothing compared to the pain of reconciling. At first, we discussed out "minimum requirements" for getting back together, and we stuck to them for about a month. I have to admit, I also assumed that his attitude would be one of trying to "win me back" or pursue me to let me know that I'm worth pursuing. I wanted SO BADLY, that there are not words to describe it, for him to somehow reassure me that he DID still know me and love me--that that hadn't all been an illusion--that I was worth some effort and discomfort on his part. No such luck. No, like you said in your letter, his attitude was more like, "just get over it" and "let it go" and "forget about the past--look to the future". But for me, the more we ignor the past, the more it rears up it's ugly head to bite me in the heart. <P>Now, six months later, I have written down what I consider to be "minimum requirements" to continue working on our marriage together, and like you, he is resisting. For example, one of my "minimum requirements" is to spend 15 hours each week with me, undistracted, adult time--just the two of us--and to be honest, he doesn't want to commit to that. Kind of like you, I think, he doesn't want to be controlled and so he's resisting. But to ME, it feels like, "I doubt if the OW had to BEG you to spend time with her! You WANTED to--you couldn't WAIT to! But I have to beg." If only he would realize that, yes, it may be inconvenient to try to schedule 15 WHOLE hours now, but that inconvenience says to me, "You are worth it to me."<P>Livingin Limbo, I will bet you money that your H, in his manly way, wants you to tell him it's okay to fuss and fume and cry and be hurt. I bet you he wishes you would tell him, "I am here with you, and I know I hurt you. You do what you need to do to help yourself through this" AND LET HIM DO IT!! Don't give him grief or guilt--let him express it (appropriately of course). I bet he wishes you would say, "Sex in the City is just a TV show, and you are the love of my life!! It is NOTHING to me, compared to you" and then you willingly never watch it or bring it up again. Really now, is this TV show important enough to hurt your loved one over it? Turn it off! Same thing for Cosmo: "Cosmo is a fun and silly women's magazine, hon, that I read for enjoyment, but you are so much more valuable to me. I would never hurt you over a magazine!"<BR>See, right now, by resisting and trying to bargain your way into Sex in the City and Cosmo, what your actions are saying to him is "This TV show and this magazine are more important to me than he is". Is that the message you are trying to communicate? Because I'll bet you that IS the message he is hearing. <P>If you like Sex in the City because it has adult overtones, ask him what shows he would enjoy watching WITH YOU. Start a new trend and/or recreational activity. If you read Cosmo for the fashions and stuff, ask him if you two could read GQ together--or if there's another magazine that the two of you coul enjoy together and that you could get him as a gift! What about going to Barnes & Nobel together?<P>Anyway, that's about $20.00 worth--way more than two cents!!<P><BR>CJ<P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<B>but I am paying for it every day. In front of my kids - he tells me how horrible I am. He says that if I'm "really sorry - I won't watch Sex in the City and read Cosmo magazine" and several other requests that I consider "out there".</B><BR>This kind of attitude really bothers the he!! out of me! (I am the BS. Haven’t seen my wife in over two years)<P>It is NOT right for the betrayed spouse (your h) to hold you to the flame AND to do it repeatedly!<P>He needs to understand it is time to work through the pain but not at your expense.<P><B>We have been to several marriage counsellors that have tried to help us through this </B><BR>Did they give you any “assignments” or homework to do or was it just about feelings and such?<P>Get “Divorce Busting“ by Michele Weiner-Davis. It deals with marital problems such as this and how you can get your partner to change.<P>I highly recommend you consider a few counseling sessions with Steve or Jennifer Harley here at MB (1-888-639-1639) They deal specifically with how to get the other person to understand what you need from them and how to give them what they need.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

CJ said:<P><<. But to ME, it feels like, "I doubt if the OW had to BEG you to spend time with her! You WANTED to--you couldn't WAIT to! But I have to beg.">><P>You hit the nail on the head. If my husband had treated me as well as he treated his mistresses and other friends, I wouldn't be here.<P>Nell

So then, you would really suggest writing down boundaries that I have also? My H has told me that I have no right to ask for anything, and that I should be "begging" him to stay. I'm sure that people are telling him to get rid of me. We rarely see each other because of the separation and our main communication mode is e-mail. I've asked him to stop the name calling and accusations in front of the kids, but I've never really thought of anything that I would want from him. I was crying last night after a phone call from him, and my four year old asked me if daddy forgot to use his "kind words". I guess I have so much of my own guilt that maybe I welcome his hurtful attitude maybe as punishment. I don't know how to go forward from separation. I have told my H that I will move back into the house once my apartment lease is up in 3 months. He just tells me that I "won't". I told him that we can't make things work until we have more time together. Also...thanks for the book suggestions. I think between the two of us we have read almost every Christian book on divorce and relationships, and several other secular books. Has anyone read Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil? We haven't been to counselling since the time that our counsellor told us that she probably couldn't help us because my H was so intent on a separation. His view of separation was to date and spend lots of adult time together. Our counsellor told us that the main point of separation is to cool down and reflect back on our goals, our mistakes, and cool down on the fighting. He wouldn't accept this and we haven't been back to a counsellor since. He tells me that I shouldn't go anyway because I'm not going with a "willing" heart. I actually found the counsellors, and have done all the assignments that they have given us and he hasn't. So...I'm not sure why he thinks I don't have a willing heart. <P>I think what I'm hearing though from you wise people (is that a butter-up or what!?) is to do what I'm supposed to do and let him feel his pain and try to help him through it. I've decided to not talk to my attorney unless she calls me and I'll just hope that my husband decides to drop the divorce motion. He continually tells me that he would be a "fool" if he cancels things, yet he says that he wants to reconcile. <P>I'm so confused, I don't know if I'm coming or going, or if I'm on the way back to a restored marriage, or on my way to being a divorced single mom.<P>Peggy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LivingInLimbo:<BR><B>So then, you would really suggest writing down boundaries that I have also? My H has told me that I have no right to ask for anything, and that I should be "begging" him to stay.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You have to be extra patient and understanding with your husband in these circumstances, but <I>everybody</I> needs boundaries. You <I>do</I> have a right to ask for what is important to you. Asking for something isn't the same thing as making a demand. I don't think you should be doing any "begging" for anything - that kind of behavior will only prolong his disrespect and encourage abuse, which is not good for anyone. Of course, I don't think you should be <I>expecting</I> anything either, although you should be firm about his behavior in front of the kids. That's not for <I>your</I> sake, it's for <I>theirs</I>.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>We haven't been to counselling since the time that our counsellor told us that she probably couldn't help us because my H was so intent on a separation. His view of separation was to date and spend lots of adult time together. Our counsellor told us that the main point of separation is to cool down and reflect back on our goals, our mistakes, and cool down on the fighting. He wouldn't accept this and we haven't been back to a counsellor since.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think separation always has to look the same or have the same goals. As stated, your husband's view and your counselor's view are not incompatible. Perhaps it's time to try a new counselor.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>He tells me that I shouldn't go anyway because I'm not going with a "willing" heart. I actually found the counsellors, and have done all the assignments that they have given us and he hasn't. So...I'm not sure why he thinks I don't have a willing heart.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Uh...that would probably be projection. It's very common in people experiencing psychological distress.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I think what I'm hearing though from you wise people (is that a butter-up or what!?) is to do what I'm supposed to do and let him feel his pain and try to help him through it. I've decided to not talk to my attorney unless she calls me and I'll just hope that my husband decides to drop the divorce motion. He continually tells me that he would be a "fool" if he cancels things, yet he says that he wants to reconcile.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That sounds to me like a good plan. Your husband is ambivalent. He doesn't know what he wants, and so he isn't willing to shut any doors, but he isn't willing to go through any either. The more you behave with love, respect, dignity, and trustworthiness, the better your chances that he will eventually come down on the side of the fence that leads to reconciliation.<BR>

{{{{{Peggy}}}}}<P>You're not his emotional garbage dump. <P>Yes, you should be helping him with HIS feelings and HIS trust and HIS self-esteem and HIS respect, but not at the sacrifice of your emotional well-being. He doesn't sound just angry to me; he sounds verbally abusive. You do not have to take that from anybody. Period. And you tell him to stop hurting you with his words or you will hang up/leave/block his email. Then you DO IT if he crosses that boundary. <P>Yes, you did a bad, bad thing committing adultery, but you don't have to wear a scarlet letter. He WILL treat you with respect, or he will have no business with you at all. If he persists, learn these words: Call my lawyer. Visitation is scheduled and strictly adhered to. Kids are dropped off and picked up at a public place (I use the mall). There will be silence, or there will be words spoken in courtesy. End of story. Call me when you grow up.<P>My husband and I are headed for mediation, and we cannot sit in the same room together. The sparks ignite and the hair flies when we're together. We have no contact whatsoever right now, and I'm the happiest I've been since last July when he left. My husband said/wrote horrible, demeaning, insulting remarks to me. (I saved each and every transcript. My lawyer has them, now.) His hostility spoke volumes of his repeating infidelity (like I'm stoopid). <P>Peggy, he won't change unless he wants to, and right now he's getting something out of behaving the way he does. Don't take that crap. You can take his hurt, his disappointment, even screaming how crushed he feels from your indiscretion. But he doesn't trash you in the process. That is against the law in my book.<P>Listen to your inner voice. Only then can you follow your heart. Here's 'nother hug: {{{{{Peggy}}}}}<P>I'm still standing,<BR>Nell <P>P.S. Make sure you are treating him as you would like to be treated. <P>------------------<BR>One faces the future with one's past.<BR>--Pearl S. Buck

<B>I think between the two of us we have read almost every Christian book on divorce and relationships, and several other secular books</B>NOTHING you do will work unless BOTH of you want to learn & apply the principles.<P>You’re resentment is only going to grow towards him if he keeps up the, “<B>I have no right to ask for anything, and that I should be "begging" him to stay.</B>”<P>Is that really what he wants in a wife? Someone who begs & pleads everyday for their relationship?<P>I suggest you sit down and ask him what he wants from your relationship. Does he want a loving (remorseful) wife or a pitiful, begging person?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

wow, this thread put a lot of what I've been through into perspective. LIL, what faithful wife said about her life just dropping out from under her is what it feels like when this happens. I had silently stood back and waited, miserable (after a year of him being gone, I DO realize how bad it really was) and in a very emotionally abusive situation. I have apologized to my kids for stepping back and letting him run roughshod on all of us, which included beating on the older daughter. We've come a long way in the past year, and when we thought it was over it has begun again as he fights for all the monetary issues. <P>Make your boundaries, too; let him know you love him, but don't let him control you... that isn't a good way to live, either. <P>Lori

Wait just one cotton pick'n second here. This thread is taking a sudden turn. I'm sorry but I'm going to go back the other way. 1.) You screwed up. 2.) Your husband is hurt BIGTIME. 3.) You need to re-read Faithfuls post. <P>Right now your husband sees S.I.T.C. as a mental threat. He is just like a raw nerve and you are jabbing your finger in there everytime the show comes on. <P>How do I know this? I'm a betrayed spouse.. He has been wounded very deeply. This does not allow for him to scorn you in front of your children, just realize he's trying to make you hurt to the same level. That being said, Pay close attention to what Faithfull posted. If my VSTBX said some of those things it may have changed things. <P>Good Luck<BR>Tex. <P>

Confused about "s.i.t.c."<P>I never watched the show with him....never watched it around him. Just like Sarah Jessica Parker. I never ever watched it around my children. That's why this was so confusing. These were never issues before, for him or me. All of a sudden he was throwing the Cosmo magazine in my face and talking about the show. In fact, I think that the night it is on is one of the nights that I am in my apartment anyway. I'm definately not jabbing it in his face. Haven't even mentioned it, or insisted on watching it or turning it on since he brought it up. I have also cancelled my Cosmo subscription for his peace of mind - and NO...I DIDN'T RUB THAT IN HIS FACE.....I didn't even tell him that I had done it. I didn't want wrong motives to creep in. <P>You're taking me wrong....these aren't the only things going on in my relationship - and I'm trying to deal with them, even thought this whole situationis confusing the heck out of me.I'm doing my best to give him the benefit of the doubt and do what one of the people here suggested, that I tell him that he is more important to me than a show or a magazine.<P>Peggy

AgoodManInTexas wrote:<P><B>Wait just one cotton pick'n second here. This thread is taking a sudden turn. I'm sorry but I'm going to go back the other way. 1.) You screwed up. 2.) Your husband is hurt BIGTIME. 3.) You need to re-read Faithfuls post.</B><P>Didn't the good doctor say something like, "[Infidelity]...is one of the most thoughtless, dishonest, and cruel acts of self-indulgence imaginable." I like this quote; it says it all, doesn't it? And we who are betrayed do need frequent validation in the aftermath of discovery. And the things we perceive to be contributing factors to the affair (i.e., the WS's behavior) need to be answered by the WS in a sensitive, cooperative manner.<P>So, allow me to back up here a minute. LivingInLimbo made some points:<P><B>Please help me...I'm trying. I have done everything my husband has wanted. No communication with the affair guy. I have ended relationships with all of my questionable friends. I am completely open and honest about everything in my day. I don't know what else I can do to help him know that I'm sorry. I have told him that I am trying to understand his pain, and I wish with everything in me that I could do it again, but I can't. I just want to keep my family together, and he says that it's not enough.</B><P>Now, I don't know this gal, but I have to think she is brave coming to a message board whose betrayed denizens by far outnumber those who strayed. I don't detect a note of arrogance, smite, or bitterness in her post. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is sincere, despite the fact I will no longer look at/listen to/or touch the lying, sordid, negligent, repugnent carcas of my own copiously WS who gypped me out of my marriage and used deceit as the base of our recovery. I think I can be objective despite my personal feelings.<P>I reread Faithful's thoughtful post, and I had the impression she was sharing her experiences to remind LIL of the betrayed's spectrum of infidelity. She made some kind observations about a controversial show and magazine LIL liked and offered some helpful suggestions. Was that her intent?<P>Now, aren't we supposed to love the sinner but hate the sin? Maybe I haven't quite evolved to this point in my own recovery, but I'm trying to be rational about getting there. Where does it say it's OK for the BS to take shots at the WS? Oh, I know I did on a few isolated occasions, and I was immediately sorry I had projected my pain in an evil way to my husband. It's counterproductive to spew insults and derogatory remarks to another person, no matter how hurt or justified we feel in doing that. It is verbal abuse, and it is way up there on the same emotional pain scale as adultery. As bad as I felt over his numerous indiscretions, and as much as I totally blamed him for ruining my life, I tried to be honestly assertive to my H when I wanted to express my feelings or my needs.<P>It is OK to yell and scream and pitch a fit and make demands (I'm talking about "I" statements here) when we have suffered what feels like the worst pain imaginable. It is not OK to cast hateful blame, noxious insults, manipulative threats, or demeaning requirements like Little Lord Fontleroy or Regan (evil girl in <I>The Bad Seed</I>). <P>I know LIL's husband's emotional pain is immense, and it appears he needs to find more constructive avenues of venting his overabundant fury so that he and his wife can reasonably journey through this catastrophic situation <I>they both share</I>. LIL may be a bit reluctant to give up the pastimes she enjoys (who among us wouldn't?), and I bet she would be safer doing that in a less hostile environment. She should be really sorry for her past behavior, but she should not have to walk on eggshells. She should do everything she can to atone for her grave error, but she should not be chastised in front of her children. She should be able to approach her computer, telephone, and husband without fear of blistering castigations, berating comments, or belaboring accusations. She is an adult, not a child. He is an adult, not her parent. I can be sensitive to this man's tremendous feelings of loss, disappointment, and anger, but I cannot disregard abuse of any kind or magnitude, be it verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual.<P>I begrudge no one their pain and humiliation of infidelity. I have a lot of respect for the members of this board, no matter on which side of the fence they stand. I understand my feelings may not be shared by some, and that's OK. Just don't take pot shots at me. <P>Respectfully yours,<BR>Nell <P>------------------<BR>One faces the future with one's past.<BR>--Pearl S. Buck