I don't even know where to start. My husband is in his late thirties- me- mid twenties. Up until yesterday I thought that everything was wonderful. We had been trying to conceive for 3 months. I recently found out that I was pregnant. He told me several times that he could not wait for us t o have a baby. We already have a son who is 3. We went to my first appointment yeserday with the obstetrician and had an ultra sound. He seemed overjoyed. Then last night we argued.He had told me that he is not ready and wants me to have an abortion. He is scared. He moved out last night and has already hired a divorce attorney. I found out from my therapist today that my husband had a session with him. My husband has told my counselor that he will consider possibly showing up for a marital counseling session later this week, however he wanted my counselor to call me and inform me that he is serious and wants out of the marriage. I am in shock. I have not even cried yet. I don't understand how he could change his whole attitude overnight. He emailed me once - it was very short and simply said that I am not to contact him at work or anywhere by phone, email or mail. What can I do? I am so miserable and hurt. I feel dead inside and cannot believe what has happened...

Monica,<BR>Hang in, its a Holiday and responses may be a little slow.<BR>Try not to act on your emotions because it is so soon. JUst take care of yourself and the baby and sibling.<P>Maybe it is just cold feet on his part right now. Give him some room and hopefully he will call and you can find out what is going on.<P>Read about Plan A here and work on that for now. <P>Hang in and God Bless.

Monicav,<P>WOW! What a shock, huh? You must be whirling a million miles an hour. Here is some practical advice. <P>Tomorrow morning, go to the grocery store and buy yourself some lotion kleenex and some herbal tea. Since you have a baby on board, you'll want to find something soothing. No--I'm not kidding--go to the grocery store. Make some plans for you to do something for the fourth of July that you have always wanted to do or that you have always enjoyed, and then follow through on your plans, because you need to get out among people who care about you--not sit at home alone and isolated. <P>Now, emotions are a lot harder to deal with. Hon, everyone is different, but I will tell you that for a week after my H left me, I didn't cry. I got a new hairdo, got a new job and got the day-to-day tasks ironed out. Then I broke down and cried for three days and nights straight. Just collapsed. Maybe it took that long for the shock to wear off--I don't know. What I do know is that the reaction is different for everyone, and that no matter how nuts or wierd or off track you may feel, you are not alone. We have all felt nuts--this is nuts, my life is nuts, I'M nuts! We have all gone up and down; happy one minute that we got our first job--then sad the next minute because we're laying in bed alone. We have all gone on the Divorce Diet--where you lose weight because food just isn't interesting. We have all stayed up all night--because who can sleep when your heart aches and your arms are empty?<P>Monicav, I guarantee you that as long as you will keep writing and talking out loud, you will not be alone. Hey--even in the middle of the night I'm here writing to you, aren't I? heehee<P>Last but not least, I want you to consider one possibility. This could just be a very, very poor reaction on your H's part to the news of the new baby. It can be very shocking news, you know! Now, I'm not making excuses or anything, but maybe it just suddenly HIT HIM full in the face that now he would be responsible for diapers and midnight feedings and all that again, and he's not getting any younger, and he's gonna have TWO little folks depending on him.... Like I said, maybe it just overwhelmed him and he could not think of a decent way to express these fears to you. After all, you probably have your own set of fears, and men are supposed to be strong and dependable, and since you had been trying how could he ever tell you that now he didn't really want to, and what kind of man doesn't want his own baby... See what I mean? Maybe it just drowned him in fear and he felt like he had nowhere to turn, so he ran away. <P>Plan A, in summary, is looking at yourself and saying, "What did I do to contribute to this situation?" Be honest! Then ask yourself, "What kind of woman/wife do I have the potential to be? Am I being that kind of woman/wife? If not, what do I need to do to meet my potential?" Finally, Plan A is finding out about what your H needs in a woman/wife and doing it...not denying yourself, giving in to his selfish demands, or becoming a doormat. NO!! Rather, becoming the woman and wife that meets his needs and make deposits to his "bank of love". Become the person that you know you can be, monicav! Maybe this time, the twentysomething will be the teacher for the thirtysomething!<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you!<P><BR>CJ <P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I am pretty certain that this time he really will divorce me. Several months ago, I was served with divorce papers. I cried and begged. He agreed to go to counseling with me. He apologized many times for having left. By the way- it is how he left then that messed me up so much. I had no clue. He woke me up one morning on his way to work and told me that he made me coffee. We were affectionate and I felt wonderful. Little did I know that he did not go to work. He went directly to his attorney's office and 4 days later I was served with the papers. So all this time we have been in counseling. And it has been incredible. We have had a few minor arguments but we have been much closer. Just last week he brought me flowers and with tears in his eyes he told me how happy he was about this pregnancy and said Thank you for our wonderful family. Well, this Monday is when all that changed. Obstetrician's appointment went well. He was fine- I thought. THen Monday night. He told me that he hates himself because he has been a coward. I asked him what he was talking about and he said that he should have never agreed to the counseling. He said that he should have stayed gone the first time. He said that he did not love me over and over again. He said that he did not want this baby with me. He said that he would rather put a bullet in his head. I was shocked by all that he said- more b/c if you knew my husband- he just doesn't talk crazy like that. He said he cannot handle things and as I said before he asked me to have an abortion. I have spoken again to my therapist who has been in contact with my husband. Yesterday my therapist said that he had hope for us. Today he said that it really looks lilke a divorce. My husband is obviously depressed and until he can shake some of that I don't think there is any hope. If he called right now- I would see if needed anything from the house (I have already packed him a bag) and then politely get off the phone. I am not going to beg him for crumbs. Besides, I think there is to great a chance of me yelling at him. I want him back - but I don't think he is being rational right now. My therapist wants me to show up tomorrow for counseling as he has invited my husband. Husband's response was- I will consider it and let you know Thursday morning. My husband did tell my therapist that if he shows up it will be for the sole purpose of offering me closure. Not reconciliation. Should I even go? If I don't go then my husband told counselor he would definitely show up for himself. Do I go- the focus is closure and ending the relationship? Do I stay home- my husband goes and the focus is his part in all of this- my therapist is excellent at redirecting one's focus and getting one to take responsibility. What should I do? I truly appreciate any suggestions.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by monicav:<BR><B>My therapist wants me to show up tomorrow for counseling as he has invited my husband. Husband's response was- I will consider it and let you know Thursday morning. My husband did tell my therapist that if he shows up it will be for the sole purpose of offering me closure. Not reconciliation. Should I even go? If I don't go then my husband told counselor he would definitely show up for himself. Do I go- the focus is closure and ending the relationship? Do I stay home- my husband goes and the focus is his part in all of this- my therapist is excellent at redirecting one's focus and getting one to take responsibility. What should I do? I truly appreciate any suggestions.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think in your position I would call the therapist, and tell him that you will come a little late to give him a chance to start with your husband. <I>If</I> your therapist deems it helpful, he can then call you in. If he feels it would be more helpful to work with your husband alone, he can do that instead.<P>The idea is to provide the most flexibility for getting your husband the help he needs. Your husband's belief that he can provide you closure by anything he says in the therapist's office is as irrational as the rest of his thinking.<P>I believe you are quite right in thinking that salvaging your marriage will be impossible until your husband is able to deal with his own depression/anxiety/whatever. Unfortunately, the court system couldn't care less about the mental health of those who are filing for divorce, and they are quite content to break up families instead of trying to get people the help they need. Fortunately, though, divorce doesn't really have anything to do with the nature of your relationship, since it is defines only your legal and financial responsibilities.<BR>

Update. My husband has sent me an email saying that he hopes that I am ok and that he is sorry for everything. He also stated that he does not care to meet or have a conversation with me at this time. He said that he needs to come home for clothes and stuff and would prefer it if I were not here. I emailed him back explaining that I have been have intrauterine contractions and am on bed rest (all true). I told him that I will not leave the house but to rest assured b/c I washed and packed clean work clothes for him and the suit case is in the garage. I told him that if I missed anything feel free to email me and I will be sure to get him whatever items he still needs. I did not mention the relationship. I also included that all his mail is in the suit case. I also reassured him that if I heard him enter the garage to collect his things that I would not go out there and "confront" him. That I would remain in the house as I have every intention of respecting his space. Is there any hope?