CNDY,<BR> I would like to extend my sympathies to your community. <BR>Communication is the first step to resolve any problem. Honesty as you probably know is the basis of all good relationships, it seems to me that you do not like honesty. Have you ever just asked your husband what the problem is and/or if he still wants to continue in this relationship? My take on this whole issue is that your husband is giving you some unmistakable hints that he does not want to be in this relationship. Truth will bring you to reality and reality can sometimes be a hard pill to swallow.<BR>What relevance is the woman's race to the whole issue? It took an ugly person to make a comment as the one you made. Maybe your husband seeks the beauty that is not skin deep. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY<BR><P>------------------<BR>JDC

JDC - <BR>The revelence to the womans race was not hateful or mean - it was to clear up an issue (just as you would say he was dating a GAY person or something) - it has nothing to do with race or what your trying to read into it - but just stating the facts. It did not say WHAT race (as that didn't matter) but its another race. I'm only trying to give a full story here. AS a matter of fact, Saturday night I looked into his eyes and asked him if he loved me and if he wanted to be married. I asked him if he wanted to work on the marriage to help us both have a better life. I asked him all of those questions. Know what his answer was? It was "I guess". How the heck do you think I am not facing honesty when I get answers like that? Thats not an answer and thats all I ever get from him. "whatever" and "I guess". I guess I love you? I guess I want it to work? Actions, my friend, speak much louder than words. You say I do not like honesty? Wrong. I cannot GET honesty out of him only give him honest questions. I wish he would be honest and tell me the truths whether they hurt me or not. Your opinion of me is totally wrong. I've been honest and can't get a word out of him other than "I guess".<BR>If in fact he is seeking beauty that is not skin deep, he would have had to search no further, as that is what he has now. The beauty within me is what has kept me at home living with someone who doesn't give a CRAP about me or my kids. I suffer at home from his verbal comments, his NON comments, and lack of communication - but I am with him as a woman and a married one at that who has NOT strayed or taken on an affair due to the fact that marriage to me is a vow we promised to keep and work on. So I work alone and you think I am cruel? Thats one heck of a note. <p>[This message has been edited by Cndy (edited May 04, 1999).]

cndy, i appreciate the relevance of your statement on 04-26-99, at 7:05am. you stated your h makes certain statements in front of or to someone of the opposite race that is really fat. i understand you were making the point of how profoundly puzzelling his actions were. i believe, in our society, we still maintain some degree of race awareness. mixed race relationships, while ok, still turns heads. we're getting over it but we have a ways to go. so, for your h to carry on with another woman, as you described, with any other woman, would be shocking. it is even more shocking for him to do so with someone of another race, and still more shocking that he would do so with someone who, at least in the eyes of most people, isn't attractive. his carrying on with someone like you described when he has you, whom i suspect is attractive, is odd.<BR>people are so sensitive about race, just writting the word will get you labeled as a racist. i doubt many men, if any, carry on with a woman outside the marriage because they appreciate the beauty that lies beneith the skin. as you wrote, you too have the beauty that beyound skin deep. jdc's comment: "i would like to extend my sympathies to your community.". of all the things written on this topic she finds only this to comment on. i guess your community must feel better know jdc extends her sympathies. i hope she has enough sympathy to extend to all the other comminities because all of them are to some degree like yours, except her's of course. it seems to her you do not like honesty. so she came to that conclusion from reading this one post. such insight!! i would never have guess. cndy, keep posting. good luck!!

Frankie - <BR>Thank you "so much" for your support and understanding - - - its the people like you who keep me posting here! You read exactly into the message just what I meant!

Cndy: I have read your posts. I am a victime of my H having an affair with a 19 year old caretaker of our child. He told me that same "things" your H did. If I WAS going to have an affair with someone, WHICH I'M NOT, it sure wouldn't be her, she's fat, young (we have nothing in common), she smokes, and why would I talk to her and all of us have dinner, etc. with you? I would keep that a total secret! I wouldn't be that stupid and on and on and on. I'm simply reading between the lines. My H also acted semi-miserable. I too - make a good living - am very attactive - (he also had and still has no credit and he definitely used me for that). I kept asking him what was wrong - he was acting distant- always wanting to work - not including me in things, etc. etc. He kept telling me I was "crazy" to think something could possible be going on with a 19 year old, etc. etc. He was making me hate him and I figured - what can I do - I'm begging - asking he keeps pushing me away. How can I fix something that I don't know is broke. Basically - it wasn't until she ended up pregnant that he finally admitted that he was having an affair. And all his "words" came back to haunt me. I actually tried believing him - befriending the OW and listening to her woes, etc. I felt like such a double, triple fool. When you said he was doing "social things" with people from daycare; honey it doesn't matter if they are of a different race, age - or species for that matter. If a man is looking for "something" (and who knows what that is). He will do it. The way he is keeping to himselves and all he has is hateful things to say to you - rings true of an affair (for me anyway). I tried giving him every excuse in the book - thinking he couldn't do this to me after all we've been through (we have been through a hell of a lot in the past 12 1/2 years!) But he did it anyway and he would still be denying it (in my opinion) if she had not gotten pregnant. She ended up having the baby (abortion was totally out of the question - the morals) however, she apparently lost her morals in the adultrey category. (can you tell I'm still bitter). Tomorrow will be 1 year that he told me "the news". He has lied to me over and over and over this whole year (maybe not within the past 2-3 months or so) I have no way of knowing - but PLEASE don't do as I did. Take action. Let him know if he doesn't make any efforts toward your marriage by X- say by Halloween (or some such date); then he can look for further residence. You and your family do not need to suffer unnecessarily over him. He's the one that is acting this way - not you. If he values what he has it will shock him into reality. If he doesn't then he won't do anything until October 31 and that will be to move out. (sometimes with someone as stubborn as him - (like my H) it would take something that drastic). Sounds like he has a lot of pride - My H does too. We are still "together" but I wish I could have seen then what I know now - I would have handled things differently. That is the only reason I'm posting to you - perhaps you can benefit from my mistakes. I'm still miserable some days - okay at best somee days. Let me know how it goes.<P>------------------<BR>

Thank-you for helping me make my point exactly. Never once did I say Cndy was racist. Excuse me, I forgot that infidelity was more acceptable if the ow was of your own race. My insight did come from the posting in which she clearly states that she wishes her ex-husband wouldn't have told her his true feeling, because of the hurt it caused. My point was that maybe she shared this with her present day husband and he is trying to avoid hurting her in the same fashion, even though she is experiencing pain regardless of the truth. Frankie, I'm not responsible for what goes on in every community. How dare you attack me for being human? I did not know that I had to address every issue, I adressed what I chose to. If the whole world operated on one perspective what a sorry place this would be. I just wrote my perspective, I did not mean for anyone to accept or not accept. You cannot blame others for not agreeing with you, you just have to respect others points of views and voice yours. What insight you must have with all of the conclusions you drew from my short reply.<P>------------------<BR>JDC

DaycareDisaster - <BR>As much as I hate to admit it - I feel deep down that my life is going to be with him as miserable as I may be. If I gave him a demand to change or leave - he would leave. He is stubborn. He is hardheaded. And he's not fighting for our marriage. I am. For that only, I feel I will stay, deal with it to keep my life and the kids as normal as possible and forget about the feelings I have -- this is about the choice from friends, advisors, and counselors. If I don't want a divorce, I have got to learn to deal with him the way he is. Its sad. Because now he's lying to by denying visiting internet sites I have found out about with naked women on them. He's just living his own life.

Cndy,<BR> Don't cheat yourself and your children from the happiness you deserve. Don't let any man take advantage of your desire to have a complete and happy family. Find someone who is truly worthy of you. I know you probably feel that you are doing what is right for your children. They have a father and they have a good relationship with him, there is no substitute for that. Your misery is felt and will impact your children no matter how hard you try to shield them. Show them that happiness comes from themselves and that they do not have to sacrifice that happiness. Help your children love themselves and others will love them in return, not because of the nonsense they tolerate from them but because they have enough self worth and self love not to tolerate any nonsense in the name of LOVE.<BR>I know this first hand because I seen my own mother do the same exact thing. I'm not being judgemental when I say these things, I'm just another woman wanting what is best for another woman. Don't live in misery because society has painted this picture of how your life should be. Paint yourself a picture of happiness. You hold your destiny.<BR>WISHING YOU LOVE AND HAPPINESS! <P>------------------<BR>JDC

Cndy: Well - if you're determined to stay with him - then try letting your "wonderful behavior" rub off on him. I need to try this to (instead of nagging). My H is a stubborn mule as well. But don't stay just for your kids, Cndy. Think about what CJM said- your children may not be happy with this "family unit" for the sake of having a "family". I know my mom begged her mom to leave her dad - he was an alcoholic, beat them - wouldn't let them have friends over, etc. Mom said she would rather live in a tent than to live like that. My grandmother opted to "keep the family together". Now my mom has so many "issues" that have scarred her badly because of living in an environment like that. Think about it - if you're just wanting to keep up appearances - that's not good for anyone. I care about what happens to you (female to female). I know how cruel men can be. Why not talk to your kids openly and honestly and see what they say about it?<P>------------------<BR>