How long does it take to get over the pain of an affair? H has had an affair with ow for a year and moved in with her 7 months ago. He has been mean to me and won't even look at trying tosave our marriage. He says our marriage has been over for awhile and D-day was a few years down the road he just moved it sooner. He has changed so much. Our children are upset and don't want the ow in their lives.... What to do?

so sorry to hear this... I'm sorry, but I can't tell you what to do; I'm in the middle of this myself, though it's my wife that's unfaithful. I'm in so much pain I can hardly hear anyone else's, but one blessing of being in this awful place, I DO feel other's pain even though not as much as I will once this is over... What I can offer you is only prayers, words of encouragement: keep trusting God and even though He doesn't seem to me to be doing anything, I'm sure He is. Even if He's not, (which I don't believe), He's still God and I will still worship and love Him. I can also offer, for what it's worth, a cyber hug; though to be honest, with my wife not wanting me to touch her for so long I feel quite awkward and scared offering a hug to anyone, but since I know from personal experience that even something as insubstantial as a cyber hug makes me feel a little better, I'll offer one to you:<P>((((((((gabby2)))))))<P>Hope it does something positive for you.<P>------------------<BR>Waiting for God...

Well, gabby2, I have good news for you and bad news. First the good news--you will eventually recover and grow as a person and be happy again. It will take some time, but one day you will laugh again and be able to listen to music again. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen. Now the bad news. The amount of time that it takes to get yourself back is different for every single person. Some people were very fused with their spouse and had no idea this was coming, and for those people it takes a while. Some people were already fairly independent and they just mutually agreed to divorce--it's a little easier on those folks because although it's still sad, they're a little prepared. HOWEVER, whether it takes you a season or a year or two years, no matter who you are, you will never be the same again.<P>Let me say that again. Whether it takes you a season or a year or two years to get yourself back, no matter who you are, you will never be the same again.<P>I know exactly what you are talking about when you say your H is so mean. I called that the "hate face". It never failed to kill me, because here was someone whom I thought loved me and whom I loved, and I could literally see the hate radiating from his eyes. The thing is, no matter what he acts like...no matter whether he acts with dignity and courtesy or with dishonor and hatred, you know what I want you to do? Work on yourself. Be the woman that you were intended to be, gabby2. Be the mother that you have the potential to be. Be the wife that you can be. Then, even when the storm rages all around you (and it will!) you will be able to hold your head up and say, "At least I behaved in a honorable way." <P>I've been here for a while now, and it took me a long time to find joy again, and do you know where I found it? In tiny, little things...like cream soda. That was a treat for me when I was a little kid, and now I drink it as a reminder of the playfulness of life. I found it in grape juice too. I could never drink grape juice for fear of staining my "expensive" clothes, but I LOVE grape juice. Now I take the risk and drink it anyway! I found joy in swinging. Now, at first it was tough getting my 39yo body onto a swing (haha), but once I got swinging high--it felt like freedom. So, gabby2, start to look for joy in very small things. Okay? Start to look and see if you can find a little bit, and write back if you find some,okay?<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.