Please help, I really don't know what is wrong with me....<BR>here I am married, with teenage kids, a husband that loves me crazy (or so he says) sex is great... but I can't think of nothing else, than having an affair with this guy I know. I am pretty sure that the fact that the only man that I have ever been with is my husband has a lot to do with it, also I might be going thru a mid-age crisis???<BR>How do I get this crazy fantasies off my mind. I do realize I have so much to loose but still, I can't stop dreaming about how it would be. Please help...

Hi Dante,<P>Sorry for the predicament you find yourself in, but if you've read anything on this forum, you will soon find that having an affair will blow your life apart, not to mention the lives of your children and your husband. <P>To me, it's the cruelist thing another person can do to another.<P>One thing you can do is read Dr. Harley's book "Surviving An Affair." Maybe it will give you some insight into what happens when an affair invades your life.<P>Also, here is a website that might help:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.midlife.com" TARGET=_blank>www.midlife.com</A> <P>Order the book "Women in Mid-Life Crisis." Read the Q&A section. <P>Having a mid-life crisis isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's how you handle it that can determine your future happiness. PLEASE don't do anything about this guy until you read more. An affair is going to do nothing but harm.<P>You're not gonna want to wait. You're not gonna want to read anything that goes against your desires. You're not gonna want to hear what most people here will tell you.<P>But you NEED to. You are gonna need to muster all the strength and will-power you can to STOP thinking about this guy, STOP flirting with him, STOP putting yourself in his path, STOP, STOP, STOP.<P>That's the only advice I can give you. Since you came here first and asked this questions, I can assume that you really DON'T want to have an affair, as tempting as it may be. Please don't. Like I said, it will cause you and your husband the worst pain you will ever feel from another human being.<P>Go back to the marriagebuilders.com main site and read what to do to renew your marriage. It sounds like it's not too late. Try to put at least the same amount of energy and thought into making your marriage better, than you do in thinking of having an affair.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Dear Dante,<P>DON'T DO IT!!!<P>I went through the same thing last year. My husband and I were seperated, but I still loved and still do love him very much. <P>While we were seperated I had an affair with this guy I was fantasizing about. He was perfect (yeah right). He was good looking, young, compassionate, smart, and on my side. <P>The point is as long as you still love your husband, don't allow a road block like adultery cause you to stumble and potentially cause your "h" pain that he may never be able to get over. <P>After I thought my husband had forgiven me and we were on the road to reconciling he started dating someone. He felt justified because I did it first. That would kill you just as it did me. <P>I have always loved my husband, we have always had a great sex life, but I let some other unresolved issues (which there were many)allow me to justify my behavior. I wish to God I had never done it. The only thing it accomplished was it gave us a hugh obsticle, along with all the other obsticles, to overcome. My "h" is still not over it, even though he did it too, and we are in the process of getting a divorce. <P>How do you get over your desire for the other guy? Pray... Even if you don't really mean it at first. It works. God knows your heart anyway. And, "obedience is better than sacrifice". God will change your heart to mean what you are praying if you do the obedience part..<P>God bless you.. <P>Remember pray and work on being true, you won't regret it.<BR>

Get away from the other man! FAST!<BR>Tell him whatever you have to.....just make him go away permanently.<P>Then plan some special things to do with your husband. Go away to a B&B, get away from the kids, do something fun together.....romantic, fun, playful, deep.<P>Talk with your husband.......see if you can figure out why you are feeling this way.<P>[If it's a need for variety.....(and this may be getting too personal here) have you done things with toys, positions, places, etc.? Sexual exploration.]<P>~Amy

Did you ever hear the old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" ? Well, listen to Erma Bombeck's re-write of that one:<BR>"The Grass Is Always Greener....over the Septic Tank!"<P>Believe it, Dante! Satan uses many tricks to tempt us (and let's not forget that he is the father of lies!), and one of his all time fav's is the greener grass thing. Erma is quite right: although it may look better, it is surely not as great as it seems and usually will land us in a pile of s***!<P>So, be a good wife and mother--and most of all, a good human being--and do not give in to this temptation. What everyone else has written so far is excellent and you should heed their words. Giving in to this kind of sin can only cause untold pain of those you profess to love. It is selfish and immature and no matter how people wish to disguise it by giving it cute little names: "mid life crisis", "a moment in the sun" "afternoon delight" and all that crap, sin is still sin. <P>It is better sometimes to have what you think you don't want than it is to want what you think you don't have. This is one of those times! Goodl luck to you and very best wishes...<P>Winny

Hi Dante,<P>I'm no expert by any means, but I think you should tell your husband that you were considering having an affair. My wife told me that a couple of years ago and, believe me, it got my attention that something was dreadfully wrong with our marriage. Unfortunately, I didn't seek or find help in time to save my marriage. She never had the affair, but we just couldn't figure out how to save 'us'.<P>Let him know about it, and show him how much your relationship means to you and what you're willing to do to relight the fire. This process should also curb your desire for the affair - knowing that your husband is aware of it.

Hi Dante,<BR> Take it from me,and the rest of us "posters", DON'T DO IT!!!!! My H and I were separated for a year the first time we split up and I had an affair with another man during the separation. Although my H and I were not together, it was a tremendous hill to climb afterwards. I didn't tell my H at first and then two months into our reconciliation, it came out. Boy was that a blow to his ego and his trust for me. He told me that I brought him back into the marriage under false pretences, and that if he had known the truth he probably would not have gotten back together. <BR> I don't know if this helps you at all, but I wanted to tell you of my experience. Also, once you have an affair the first time, it is going to be tempting to go back for more.....so to speak. God Bless You and your family and I hope everything works out for you. Keep us posted.<BR>Brandi

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Winnytoo:<BR><B>Did you ever hear the old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" ? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, the grass is greener....where you water it. <P>I agree big time that you should discuss this with your H. And maybe you guys need to get into counseling right away, as a safe place to discuss this stuff.<P>I know...for a fact...that if my H had put the same effort into our marriage as he did into his affair, I would be here today and we would have "a marriage made in heaven." <P>Please keep coming here and posting....what are you thinking?<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>

Thank you all for your replies, is good to know that I am not alone. And deep deep inside of me I know you are all correct and I should NOT do it. What I failed to mention in my original posting is that even though I know he loves me, he drives me off the wall. He is the possesive overly jealous type and he wants to know everytime I breathe, everytime I blink... and specially at this stage in my life I am crying out to him for same space but he won't do it. Also as I have being somewhat distant and distracted he claims it a fact that I am having an affair. and the way I see it (very immature I agree) is that if I am already being blamed for the sin, I should just go ahead and be a sinner. Everytime I am giving my relationship with H my best he comes up with something really stupid and makes me loose all hope for things getting better between us. H does not want me to spend time with my sisters, with my girlfriends at work or even if I want to spend time one on one with my daughter he finds it suspicious. Also he has been telling the kids about me being involved with other men so they need to check up on me.... I really don't need this in my life. I don't feel counseling or even telling him that I have been considering having an affair would help. I think this would bring everything to an end. Reading about all of yous that have lived this really helps me to realize that I am not a weirdo. But I sure feel very down and most of the time all I want to do is sleep forever. Love this site and thank you for listening. Dante

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dante:<BR><B>Thank you all for your replies, is good to know that I am not alone. And deep deep inside of me I know you are all correct and I should NOT do it. What I failed to mention in my original posting is that even though I know he loves me, he drives me off the wall. He is the possesive overly jealous type and he wants to know everytime I breathe, everytime I blink... and specially at this stage in my life I am crying out to him for same space but he won't do it. Also as I have being somewhat distant and distracted he claims it a fact that I am having an affair. and the way I see it (very immature I agree) is that if I am already being blamed for the sin, I should just go ahead and be a sinner. Everytime I am giving my relationship with H my best he comes up with something really stupid and makes me loose all hope for things getting better between us. H does not want me to spend time with my sisters, with my girlfriends at work or even if I want to spend time one on one with my daughter he finds it suspicious. Also he has been telling the kids about me being involved with other men so they need to check up on me.... I really don't need this in my life. I don't feel counseling or even telling him that I have been considering having an affair would help. I think this would bring everything to an end. Reading about all of yous that have lived this really helps me to realize that I am not a weirdo. But I sure feel very down and most of the time all I want to do is sleep forever. Love this site and thank you for listening. Dante</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dante,<BR>OK, so now we know a little more about your situation, and I think that's a good start here on the MB board. When I read your post, chills went up and down my spine. I've been there, too, with my first husband and please note the operative word here is "first." Dante, people who are as insecure as your H and my first H have really tough emotional issues and in most cases, no amount of talking it out with them will change things. Being this way is a part of their make up, their personality and the only way they can change is by professional help. Even that is no guarantee, but at least it might be worth a try.<P>My first H was literally strangling me to death with his jealousy and possessiveness. Just as in your case, I was blamed all the time for things I did not do (cheating, or trying to attract other men, being 'flirtatious', and all the rest) One day, I had had enough and decided to allow myself to look elsewhere. Before long, I found myself in an EA (emotional affiar) and the bond the OM and I formed was very strong and addicting. Because of my own inner make up and beliefs, I did not take things to the PA stage. I cannot tell you how bad the inner turmoil was that I felt! <P>Eventually, my first H and I did split up. I'll never forget my first morning without him--it was like heaven! I could come and go, breathe, stretch, do whatever I wanted without someone looking over my shoulder ready to pounce on me for any little thing. That's when I realized how badly he had nearly choked the life out of me and I started to rebuild my own self esteem. Ironically, I still never made that connection with the OM of my former emotional affiar. What was needed was a fresh start with no attachements to my past and so, that's what I did. <P>I forgot to mention that my first H and I were in counseling for almost a year, or at least I was. He went for the first couple of months, then stopped going. He said that it was a silly waste of time, that there was 'nothing wrong' with our marriage (??!!), that he was just about as good a husband as any man could ever be and that I was just an unhappy, whiny and UNgrateful woman! In his eyes, he could do no wrong and I could do no right. My counselor encouraged me to keep on coming to the sessions, and I did. He told me that nothing in our marriage would change unless or untill my H changed his personality (which is next to impossible), and that his issues ran too deep (presumably, from a bad childhood), and that unless I made some kind of change or move, things would always be the way they were. It took me a long time to make up my mind, until the day he pulled a gun on me, and then that was THAT. I decided I wanted to live badly enough to chance it on my own and that was a decision I have never regretted. My counselor told me that possessiveness and jealousy were signs of a controlling person and that it is a form of emotional abuse. It's funny, but I didn't believe that until that fateful day when I was staring down the barrel of a .32 special. <P>My advice, Dante, is to seek some professional counseling and do it NOW. If you are truly as unhappy as you sound for the reason you just sited, then you owe it to yourself to seek help. Control is too big an issue to fight by yourself, and although you may want to save your marriage, it may not be the best thing for you. <P>Good luck to you and please keep on posting here!<BR>Hugs....<BR>Winny