On Tuesday I went to court to get a permanent restraining order against my H. He didn't contest it. He is now living with OW at the beach, 3 hours away from here, in a trailer owned by his parents. They are both unemployed. She's on unemployment from our business (I fired her when I found out about affair) and he's getting spousal support from me. <P>His son told me that H's parents have given H a LARGE sum of money assuming they will get it back from our jointly owned business after our divorce is settled. I believe (and hope) that our debts significantly decrease our net worth.<P>I was very upset by H's appearance in court. He was puffy and bloated, clearly drinking enough to be damaging his liver. His son told me that the day he visited, H finished a 1/5 of whiskey before 9 a.m. and told his son that he's planning to fulfill his dream to go to Las Vegas and drink himself to death like Nicolas Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas."<P>Today, my SIL, H's only sibling, called me, sobbing, to say that her father (my FIL) had come to her house and verbally attacked her for not supporting her brother and siding with "the ***** from Connecticut(me)". At the end of the conversation he told her, "I guess I'm losing my best friend (her)."<P>She herself has been clean and sober for the last 4 years. She wants nothing more than for her brother to get clean and sober (the same as I do), yet her parents are enabling him with money and a place to live and think that I am taking everything away from him out of vengeance and she is jealous of him and always has been.<P>To complicate the situation further, my H and I have had legal guardianship of her 2 kids for the last 4 years because of her and her H's past substance abuse. Her H finally got clean and sober a year ago. Despite all this, we've become very close. Her F was trying to make her feel guilty about how much her B, my H, had done for her by raising her kids (not mentioning that he terrorized her kids for the past year).<P>My in-laws have been like parents for the past 19 years but they have now turned against me to the point that they are cutting ties with their own daughter because she supports me. She supports my H too, in the sense that she wants what's best for him, but not like her parents think she should by thinking he's "right" no matter what he does and I'm "wrong" because I'm not "blood."<P>I can't believe I can still be so devastated by my H when I have virtually no contact with him. Shows the power of the alcoholic/addict over all the people in his life.

I don't know your story - but my prayers are with you. It is so sad how some people will allow addictions to rule their lives. Your SIL is just doing what she feels is right. I've heard all my life that blood is thicker than water - and it may be true but stupidity is still stupidity.<P>Hang in there - and don't let it all get you down - do something fun with your SIL and concentrate on doing something good for yourself. <P>Blessings

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LetSTry}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>I can not imagine how this must be killing you inside. I do not even know how to beginning to comfort you! How about if I just sit by you and hand you kleenex while you cry? How about if I pray for God to send an actual ministering angel to you? How about if I send as many cyber hugs as I can fit on a screen.<P>This is so hard for you, and you have been so brave and patient and WOW, what a woman. I am SO impressed by you that I can not begin to say. I want to tell you again and again how sure I am that what you are doing is the right thing. Don't give up. Don't give in. Stay on track and do what you know is right. <P>You know, LetSTry, you spoke a mouthful when you said that the power of alcohol and substance abuser over all the people in his/her life is amazing. It is literally stunning how many people are hurt, crippled and devastated when one person is an addict--parents, siblings, spouses, children, in-laws, people at work, neighbors , friends--it's incredible!!! I doubt that he has any idea of the chaos he is causing nor of the havoc he is reeking; furthermore, even if he knew, I doubt if he would care. But I hope you find some comfort and rest and assurance in knowing that you are doing what is right for you and your business. <P>"Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life".<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

((((((((((LetSTry)))))))))<P>I'm sorry that I don't really have any words of advice or any real experience dealing with an alcoholic, but my thoughts and prayers are with you.<P>I'm glad that you are coming out here for support and that you are willing to share your life with all of us. You appear to be a very strong woman and a true inspiration to many.<P>Take care of yourself and keep doing that which feels right in your heart.

Hi LetSTry ~<P>Goodness, ya think maybe your H's parents might have a TINY bit of responsiblity with their children's substance abuse?<P>You don't mention if your H's parents have a history of alcoholism themselves, but you know, it amazes me everytime I say to someone that alcoholism is a multigenerational family disease and that person rolls their eyes.<P>Its so common to see enablers, whether they are parents or siblings or friends or spouses, blame everyone EXCEPT the alcohol and the alcoholic.<P>My H's family is terribly dysfunctional too. Fortunately for me, they did take my side and offered me tremendous support.<P>(((((((((LetSTry))))))))))))<P>I'm glad you and your SIL have each other, thank goodness!!<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Seeking Joy, thanks for the support. My SIL and her H and my nephew are coming for dinner tonight. An old friend of my H's is coming for the weekend with his girlfriend and her kids. He is upset about my H, but he remembers the drunk years before and doesn't want to have anything to do with him now. Funny how everyone can see this but his parents.<P>CJ, Thanks so much for the hugs and the angel sounds great! I haven't even cried. I think I've been feeling like I had to be strong for my SIL (she has a pretty severe history of depression and suicide attempts), but I've had a constant headache since court so I'm probably ready for the Kleenex, too!<P>Jayhawk, I appreciate your kind words. That does a lot actually, more than you know, for someone like me who's been, and is still being, blamed for everything. Being mad at my H was not so hard, but feeling sorry for him and his whole family is killing me.<P>BrambleRose, my H's grandfather (mother's father) was an alcoholic though his M denies it. His M smokes 2 - 4 packs of cigarettes a day! His father has a food addiction, weighs 400 lbs and has numerous related health problems. He was furious when a doctor recently recommended a gastric bypass. My SIL and her H (as I said, both recovering addict/alcoholics) have noticed recently that my FIL is drinking heavily now as well. They've noticed a vodka bottle hidden in the laundry room (he does whatever housework gets done because my MIL has Alzheimer's) and they've watched the level drop rather quickly and then seen a new bottle appear. He's drinking quite a lot of beer as well and hiding the cans behind the garage. Almost worst of all, he's adopted my H's gangster slang (that my H picked up from hanging around with 20 year old gangster wanna-bes, including guess who... yes the OW!). <P>My stepson is already an alcoholic at 20 and admitted to me on Tuesday that he's dealing drugs because he doesn't know how else to make money. He's already on 5 years probation and has a warrant out for his arrest for the drugs and paraphenalia that were found in our home (they belonged to my H) after I got H and OW thrown out with TRO (SS and his GF had been living here too). I raised this boy since he was 1 yr. old. My niece and nephew are both at risk, if not for substance abuse themselves, for severe codependence problems.<P>Yes, this is a multigenerational family disease. Thank God I have Al-Anon and MB and friends. I guess I'm having a hard time accepting that I've spent the last 19 years in the middle of all this. Time to start really looking at my own issues I think.