My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We were very much in love with each other when we got married. We promised each other that this was a one time thing and no matter what happens we will work through things and we will never become a staistic ( 1 out 2 marriages ending in divorce). <BR>Over the years our love has faded away. I have been busy with my work that I did neglect her and whenever we fought we did not really come to a resolution but kind of brushed it under the rug.<P>For the last year and a half I've been thinking of how to fix our marriage and bring passion into our relationship. Every time I would try, if even I got a slight friction between us I would get mad and quit trying. I just wished I had discovered Marriage Builders back then. I was too busy trying to fix it my way and it never worked.<P>Four months ago my wife told me that she was no longer in love with me and could not see it ever working out and even if there was a chance she would not want it to work out. Recently she told me that she had an affair with a co-worker who is about 13years older than her, he is single. He moved to Denver and she does miss him sometimes. I asked her if she loves him and wants to be with him. To which she replied that after that night they both admitted it was a mistake.<P>I have been trying to save this marriage. I have learned a lot from this website and I know where we messed up in our marriage and also know that love can be restored but she argues that how can you make <BR>someone fall in love and it should come natural and she does not see that happening. I have told her that our marriage needs therapy. She agrees with the therapy part but still is not sure whether she wants it to work out or not. <P>Now she is going to Denver for white water rafting with 2 of her female co-workers and she said that he will be there. She also assured me that nothing is going to happen between them, if even there was a chance, it could not happen because her co-workers will be there. Somehow I don't believe this. <P>This woman is the love of my life and I was the love of her life. I just can't belive that she has become so stubborn and not wanting to work it out. She keeps saying that she loves me and cares very much about me and does not want to hurt me, but she is not in love with me.<BR>I don't know where to go from here.<BR>

Loves, but not 'in love'...that is dookey, mate, no two ways about it...I keep hearing it, just not buying it. Does it even make sense? Hell no! Tell you why.<P>There are many kinds of love, people get confused, think that romantic love is the only one, that it is the one, etc. Garbage! She still has fraternal love for you, which is good....it is the foundation. Excellent for you both. What she does not have is the sort of romantic love that young people confuse for 'real love'...there is nothing real about that. How do you get it? (Esp. since she has told you point blank that she will refuse to produce it when you attempt to do so.) There are a lot of books titles something like 'Make the One yYou Love Love You", etc....I don't have any of those. You could reas this site in its entirety, and come to the conclusion...just do it...and be EXTREMELY patient.<BR>BTW, 4 years is not that much...you say 'over the years'...you don't have an over the years yet...this is GOOD. I suspect that you are both young, and she sounds like she is living her life, and the consequences be damned. YOU can't do ANYTHING about that, but you can do volumes on yourself. She will either run back to that, or not. It is up to you to fix you, and that is all.

seanboy,<P>The more time you spend out here, the more you will see this one familiar phrase, "love but not in-love", and I agree with WFH that this is a bunch of dookey!<P>My story sounds much like yours, although the part about an affair is still a mystery to me. Based on the facts, one was likely, but this was never confirmed, so I can only go on the assumption that there was not one.<P>My best advice would be to learn as much from this site as possible and get wife into counseling with you ASAP. My wife refused couseling and my marriage ended in divorce. I don't know that counseling or the knowledge from this site would have saved my marriage, but I sure wouldn't feel as cheated if my ex would have given our marriage a chance.<P>WFH makes an excellent point when discussing the concept of "romantic" love. As a relationship evolves, that romantic love is replace with a more "mature" love and it is this love in which a marriage should be based upon. IMO, that feeling of romantic love is temporary. Not to say that marriage cannot still have romance, but the butterfly's of a new relationship will generally fade away.<P>You may also want to consider some resources in the areas of "Surviving an Affair" and infidelity to help you along with the understanding and coping with the reasons/feelings associated with an affair.<P>I'm deeply sadden each time someone new joins our little "family" because I hate to learn of others in pain. With that said, I am sorry that you are here, but welcome aboard!<P><BR>

Seanboy,<P>Welcome to MB. I am sorry to hear that you have joined us. I was told that my now ex "loves" me but was no longer "in love". Sure he was no longer in love with me, because he was "in love" with the OW. <P>I think both WFR and Jay said it right. The romantic part fades. I wish it didn't. I miss it at times too, even in my current relationship. <P>You will learn a lot here, and find some peace and strength . I would read as much of the site as you can, especially Plan A and start on that until you can figure out exactly what comes next.<P>Is there a possibility of you going on this trip with your wife? If there are 2 women from work, yet this OM will be there, I take it, that its' not a "girl" trip.<P>Dana<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by DanaB:<BR><B>Seanboy,<P>Welcome to MB. I am sorry to hear that you have joined us. I was told that my now ex "loves" me but was no longer "in love". Sure he was no longer in love with me, because he was "in love" with the OW. <P>I think both WFR and Jay said it right. The romantic part fades. I wish it didn't. I miss it at times too, even in my current relationship. <P>You will learn a lot here, and find some peace and strength . I would read as much of the site as you can, especially Plan A and start on that until you can figure out exactly what comes next.<P>Is there a possibility of you going on this trip with your wife? If there are 2 women from work, yet this OM will be there, I take it, that its' not a "girl" trip.<P>Dana</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dana<BR>Things are kinda looking good, My wife is still convinced that she does not want this marriage to work, She does not know why but she still doesn't want it to work. She has agreed to go to counselling with me this tuesday, <BR>I want to find out how we can get it to work and she wants to find out why she doesn't want it to work. WEIRD !!!!!<BR>But I think it's worth the try. Please pray for our marriage.<BR>As far as this trip is concerned she has asured me that nothing is going to happen. She claims that she was wrong the first time and she hurt me by doing what she did and she is not going to do it again. Do I believe her? I told her that it is very possible it could happen again. All I can do is leave it in the hands of GOD and hope it doesn't.<BR>Hopefully this counselling will help both of us.