I'm continuing my mindless babbling over here since my issues are getting off the topic of "Infidelity" - continued from:<P>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/003069.html<P>Now I'm second guessing myself and maybe my idea isn't so great afterall? My ideas always require participation/buy in from him, so I am still trying to control... I read tornapart's thread, "when he doesn't want to try"... that's kind of where I am, except he doesn't seem to think he should "have" to try. I'm confused, I'm back to thinking I should just find a way to "live my own life" and find a way to not want or expect anything from him? I just go nuts trying to live that way, maybe I just haven't stuck with it long enough. But now I've started reading yet another book... "The 7 worst things Parents do"... one of those things is putting your marriage last... which is exactly what we're doing, and it's a concern I've tried to express to my H before. But I can't get the marriage/relationship working on my own, and my kid is going to suffer from it too. It's all such a mess. <P>Just feeling down today, thanks for listening... I learn alot from reading and writing on this website. Hope you all don't ming the babbling from time to time.

Yy - don't know your story and I will try to go back and find it - read my post just above yours regarding "you wouldn't believe what he says ..." in this same OTHERS TOPICS. I am like you - I live in a fake world because he WILL NOT try - and it does take two. My husband doesn't try and doesn't think he should have to either. I DO live my own life (me and my kids) and he lives his. If it happens that we do soemthing together, fine. If not, fine too. You can only put your marriage first when both people try. I agree you can put it first on your own for only SOOOO long and when you continue to get slapped in the face enough times; you realize you CANNOT do it alone. I mean, it only takes so many times to learn your lesson right? I have learned that he's not going to put the effort into making the marriage and family WORK - so why the heck am I beating my head up against the wall constantly trying? I gave up. Me and my kids are going to be happy WITH or WITHOUT him. Your right that the kids do suffer (read that post I mentioned) as mine did - but they are such good, loving kids and turned out just perfect! Its the way we raise them, love them, and deal with our lives (good or bad) and how it reflects on them. I used to be in such a bad mood around the kids when me and my husband were ticked or when he was in his mood swing time - now, I let that blow off my shoulder and me and the kids just go on as happy campers around him. Its like walking on eggshells, but you can't let HIS attitude affect the kids.

Thanks Cndy, we've "talked" before, I follow your posts generally... you've had a tough go of things. If you don't mind my saying, I think your H is a big jerk for talking the ways he does and treating you that disrespectfully... my H isn't even THAT bad. He is just quietly not there for me, just living life in his own world, saying that is "normal" and that I should be just "living my own life" too. I should just "be happy". I tried for a long time, I was happy, optimistic, understanding, supportive, and alone alot of the time, but a few years ago, I snapped and I'm still snapping. Mid-life crisis maybe, I just can't resign myself to believing that this is all there is and all there ever will be between us. I admire your strength, Cndy, but you know, as wonderful as you describe your kids to be, don't you think they know YOU are suffering too, don't you think they might hate seeing you being treated that way by your husband? If YOU were the kid, would you want that for your Mom? I ask myself this question alot too, in trying to figure out what is best for my daughter... it's hard. But admittedly, my H is more passivley absent, yours seems to be in-your-face rude and disrespectful... I don't know what I'd do in that situation, but as Student said to me in the other post, you and your kids deserve better than that. Not trying to tell you what to do, just offering another perspective to consider. <P>Best wishes, and God Bless.<P>

YY -- <BR>Thanks for your response - you are right, he is rude and disrespectful (moreso was than is) becuase of the mere fact that I've just quit talking to him. If I don't talk, I don't get nasty replies. Works everytime!!! LOL. I know the kids know it - I think that they are so busy with school, baseball, and time with dad that they (like me) just ignore him. He is in fact, just a lamppost in our house. Thank the lord he works till 8 or 9 at nite and we don't have to see him! The nites are so pleasant without him! <BR>My BIGGEST problem is that my kids have been thru the divorce scene (at ages 2 and 6) and I have seen how that affected their lives - and I dont want to see them go thru any more hurt, pain, etc. I think I was better off with my ex (drinking) than with a rude arrogant sob. (which is what I ended up with) Its amazing how the tables turn. My ex is now my friend and my husband is my enemy. The kids are very comfortable with life and I hate to disrupt that. For them.

Well, I think I know what you are saying, and<BR>my heart goes out to you. My Wife tells me<BR>that we argue and never listen to each other,<BR>the only time we are happy is when I listen <BR>to her. After time passes without her listening to me I get frustrated and we argue <BR>again. She wants us to put our marriage on <BR>hold to concentrate on the children, but I <BR>can't help but feel that that is her way out<BR>of caring and nurturing our relationship. I<BR>know what you mean about talking and thinking<BR>to yourself! I am there alot. I wish you the best. Take care!