Okay, here is the new thread. Today is not one of my better days, I'm very tired of it all right now. I lost Internet service for non-payment...house to follow shortly...yuck! I am frustrated with the fact that it is all circling the drain now, and I've lost the stopper.<P>I am still going to post the pics, Nicole. I will {simply} move the entire computer, and use my other camera. I'm just not too motivated today, and things are not helping.<P>I was supposed to have the kids on the 4th (I did), but they are still here, and she gave me a bunch of BS about the weekends, and how to manage that, but I can't help but think that they were in the way of her seeing OM. So, they go back tomorrow morining. (I had them Thursday-Sunday, then Wednesday-Friday....WHAT?)<P>Anyway, today is a complete write-off. My thoughts are acerbic, and gloomy, and money is non-existent...I just love this stuff to death.

Howdi Hi...<P>Well, it sounds like your having one of those *too many* sucky days... what a drag. Okay, it sounds like you're getting taken advantage of here in terms of time with the kids. You've been really good with establishing boundaries in terms of the way you allow her to talk to you while in your home. I think it's time to start devising a plan for ways for her to treat you in terms of agreements with the children. Mike, I know it's hard but maybe you have to start getting your own social life going without being so available to her... that's one way. The other way is to deal with it face on... even though you're home, you both made an agreement. You can't enforce her to keep her side but you can make sure that you keep yours... what I mean is if she can't do it, then she's responsible for getting a babysitter. Okay, hold on... that's not fair for the kids. Yeah, you're right this sucks!<P>Okay, what can you do? Think,... think,... think,...<P>What do you WANT to accomplish in the next 30 days... let's start planning goals/visioning for your life (heck, I'm an HR trainer here... and do these kinds of things). What would it look like between now and the 31st of August - end of summer - if you were there (8/31) now and looked back and said, "Yes, this summer ended up pretty darn well considering from 23 May my life as I knew it came to an end!" <P>What I'm suggesting is making a pro-active plan for you - to become independent so that WHEN the opportunity comes to be interdependent - you can willingly be ABLE to do this.... but if you don't move from dependence --> independence --> interdepence, you won't be ready. So baby steps.<P>It sounds like your circumstances are dictating your life a bit now... (financial pressures, etc.) and that's realistic and has to be dealt with... but starting now and into the future, let's think (both of us) more proactively.<P>I have an idea... I'm going to start a post called "Appreciative Inquiry" which will give people the chance to reflect on some questions to appreciate aspects of their past, acknowledge their present and to project towards a new future... I was going to post them for you on here but want others to not feel inhibited to reply. For some reason, people are sensitive to thread hijacking... when I thought the reason for a public forum is to discuss issues that people relate to from their experience. I'm baffled by the net-iquette here.<P>Anyway, gotta run. If you want me to post the questions here, please let me know... I need to go look them up on my computer. I'm now in visiting my parents for a few days before moving to Wheaton.<P>Cheers!<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Yup, sucky days suck big time. My two cents? I look at it this way, when you've hit the absolute rock bottom there's nowhere else to go but up. Drowning in my sorrow's tonight but I'll toast one to you, good luck. <BR>

Hang in there you two! Back later...<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Okay....I'm moving the 'puter now to show you that wall!<P>Jax...campai, cheers, bottoms up, etc.<P>Well, if I could even get the sense that I had hit the bottom, that would be progress, but still no job, no money, and I will be living in a refrigerator box this time next month if I don't hit the lottery. (Which I never play!) Looks like a storm's brewing, don't need my 'puter fried....'til later.<BR>

So WFH... <P>What is going on then with your house? Will you be evicted? How much time do you have? Anything on the prospect in terms of job connections?<P>Prayers friend... it's looking like a rough landing... like on a narrow island's grass landing strip... with just enough space to get it to stop before hitting the other end of the island! So, with this scenario in front of you... WHAT are your current resources at hand?<P>One step at a time... try not to panic... face the reality and plan given realistic resources (i.e. the lottery is out). First things first... I mean your living room upgrades are a great idea but if it's not going to be your living room in a month then... <P>Hang in there friend...!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Yes, I mean that's the problem. My camera software flaked out, and I'm back in the bedroom, no pics!<P>I was asked recently about the future. Geez, Nicole. I don't have that kind of vision right now...future? Don't know. I'm just so beaten down, and I don't know about the kids anymore, its really all too much today. I had to give most of the money I had left to Teri for child support. She had called asking about it. I wasn't home. She said to call her, and that she would be at the bar. The same one she wanted me to sign the D papers at. No...I gave the check to my son, and he dropped it off to her at work.<P>Nicole, here is the bullet:<BR> I am 5'8"...135. I have a decidedly receeding hairline, and I'm weird. I live my life trying to help my fellow (wo)man, and I make sure to do an ecology check on any endeavor I undertake. I try to be responsible, and dependable. All I ever wanted was a nice home where I mattered, and I was listened to. All I ever get is dissention. I have a 17 year old that comes and goes as he pleases, has his friends over whenever he wants, etc. My neighbors are starting to complain. I have a 15 year old that won't talk anymore, a 13 year old that has pretty much moved in with a friend, a 6 year old that requires constant attention, and an XW that is just killing me. None of them know the meaning of the word no, and I have no self esteem left to get a job. The house is at the mortgage company's legal department. The only thing between me and the box is red tape.<P>That's pretty much it right now. Whatever I have done, is not enough; what I have not, too much. I'm honestly out of gas right now. I gave my last bit of faith away, but I do not feel 'filled up', more like 'used up'. I've cried, I've tried, and I can't make it. I always thought that if I did the right thing, it would work out, but I can't see that, either. I don't know what to say, or do anymore. Everything hurts my brain, I'm just wanting to lie down, and not get up. I'm very tired all of the time.

Waiting for her -<BR>I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now and I doubt I could say anything that could really help, except hang in there. One thing I do know is that you have already been an encourgement to me. I'm sure you are the same to many many others in this place too. Don't sell yourself short, just your willingness to listen and take the time to respond to my desparate outpourings is something to be commended for. It may sound silly but I really need the people in this forum right now and you are part of that. I hope at some point, something I might say will bring you encouragement too. Thoughts and prayers - L

PeoplePleaser...thank you ever so much for stopping by...I guess that I didn't leave all my self-pity over at CJ's like I should've! I like to look at the night sky a lot, and when I do at times like this, it is helpful to know that somewhere someone understands. Thanks again.<P>Okay, I am in an experimenting mood today, and am down to one son who looks to be going out tonight, so I will be able to work on some more practical stuff. First up was getting ANY camera working....I thought I would have to write the code myself (have some working already, but it is a pretty time consuming task...with no clear reward at the end, so....)! Anyway, I did get a capture app working, and a format converter, too, so try this link: I also made a coaster from a worthless CD (I have this compulsion to make things from them. I have literally hundreds of them! Clocks, and coasters, and telescope bearings...so far.) I need to glue the cork to it, then I will put it on the site, and link it up. I am planning to do a virtual tour of my home this week, and publish it at the site...Companies are looking for that now, and I want it up there to help generate some business.<P>Okay, so that works...good. I am somewhat dismayed that HTML is turned off here, I like to use it to personalize my posts. The DB site has it on, and I'm sure that I have annoyed several with it so far. Next, I think I will put audio in there...that ought to personalize it! Anyway, I am off for a few hours to work some, clean some, cry some, and eat some...you know, SNAFU.<P>Nicole, I actually tried to post on the positive affirmation thread, but the server was grinding away for what seemed like hours to me, and I forgot what I wanted to affirm! So, I went over to CJ's and pouted! I actually feel much better today, not sure why just yet. Teri picked up Spencer, and Sam this morning, we didn't talk at all. OM's (non-overmedicated) sister called today, but I was totally unconscious, and Aaron didn't wake me. Check this out...she wanted to tell me that a jasmine plant I gave her last year is still alive....what is up with that? She is feeling very guilty, and sorry for me, but...it will be an interesting conversation next time I see her.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 07, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 29, 2001).]

Dear Waiting_for_her,<BR>I just wanted to second peoplepleasers reply that you have <BR>helped and ecouraged me for the short time I have been visiting here. You do mean alot to us. Lately I've been feeling like maybe nice guys do finish last, but I guess we need to knock some sense into each other - that's what friends are for, right?<BR>I've been sruggling in my job too and the last time my boss worked with me (Which is a job apprasal every single time-uck!), I thought of you and your struggles. If you can get up every day and try then so can I. And my day went better- Thankyou- you made a difference to me.<BR>You are in my thought and prayers. There just has to be justice and that people who do try to do the right thing end up OK. I count on it everyday. I wish I had some good financial advice but I don't. Hang in there - its got to get better.<BR>Lisa

WFH,<BR>I forgot to ask about your boys. I also have teenagers and I know they can be difficult in the best of times. My 17 yr old also usually expresses most feelings (worry, saddness etc) as anger. Are they hanging in there with you during this? Mine often try to avoid unpleasantness by escaping either physically or mentally. From reading your past posts I know you have been a good Dad, so if they are bugging out right now, try not to let it get you too down. Anyone that can handle soccer moms (speaking from experience!) can get through anything in my opinion!! They just want us to make all this bad stuff go away. And even if they are old enough to logically know we can't, emotionally they still think we can somehow. Big load to carry - isn't it. I worry alot if I can even begin to do this.<BR>My boss gave me a nice saying to think about the other day- I used to tell God about my big problems - now I tell my problems about my big God. Interesting thought isn't it. I just know your boys have to realize that you are trying your best for them- even if they aren't showing it right now. I hope that I am way off base here and they are doing fine. But I know my son and daughter. I love them dearly, but sometimes I know they want to be 5 yrs old again and that I would just make everything better like I could back then. I believe no matter where you live or what you drive, your boys know you are a good father and that you love them.<BR> Lisa

Hi Mike... Gosh, how are you? You sound pretty beaten up. I'm so sorry. Gee, what can I say? Don't give up on your faith... my son likes to say, "Mom, I'd like to crawl inside you and hug you from the inside." I told him that's how Jesus does it... he hugs our soul. You can't give up.<P>Ah Teri... geeszh, glad she's picked up the two boys and hope she'll intentionally spend time with your oldest one of these days.<P>You have been such a great help to so many people that my words seem to be falling flat today. I am here to listen to you... to share your pain. I just wish I could tangibly take it from you... Know that I'm praying for you right now.<P>{{{{{{{{{Mike}}}}}}}}}<P>By the way, nice border! What HTML's aren't working? Mine always say their switched off... what difference do they make?

Hey Mike,<P>Cool. New thread, eh? <P>Today is not a good day for anyone, is it? Is it a full moon or something? You may not believe in that new-agey stuff, but ya know, there's something to be said for the rising and falling of the tides and stuff... on moods and all... ya know?<P>Just checking in, can't write a longie, must be a quickie...<P>Just hi's and hugs,<P>Sheryl

Thank you all for your kind words. They are a great comfort to me.<P>I decided to just start on the north wall of the living room, and work at it until I had it done. So far, I have a shelf, and picture frame in the center. It's a little slow, since I have to mill the wood first...its still very 'green', and rough cut, but the wood I am working with now is walnut...very pretty.<P>It's 3 AM, and Aaron is not home yet, which is not unusual, but I am worried all the same. He can be so inconsiderate sometimes. He also lifted $5 from me before he left, which is also not unusual, but it really irritates me when he does that kind of thing. He just takes whatever he wants, and doesn't even ask, it really tries my patience. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets very defensive, and passive-agressive. He has a history of behavioral problems, and we have had physical altercations, as well. He and Teri really don't get along sometimes. I have always felt that his problems were a lot of 'our problems', but I feel really bad when I think that way. Trouble is, its true. I won't go into it today, its long, and sorted, but it bugs me.<P>I guess that I am just getting tired of trying to make anything work out, it really can be exhausting!<P>Just wanted to check in...time for a nap, and then back to work. Thanks again, my friends. God bless.

WFH,<P>Sounds like you have your hands full, who wouldn't be down! Ah yes, I do remember the all mighty selfish teenage attitude!<P>Tough times don't last, tough people do!<P>Ragamuffin

Hey, thanks for stopping by, Ragamuffin....down, yes...out, no way!

Since you stopped by on my thread, I decided to visit yours. Sounds like you already outdid my birthday letter... At least you have a sense of humor about it. I know that's one of those lame things to say when there's nothing else to say, but having people to talk to who understand from the inside out what you're going through really helps.

Yes, well, I'll take the lame stuff any day. Fact is, the lame stuff, I likes! Lame good, insincere BS, bad. You just happened to hit one of those exposed nerves, and since I have found that fantasizing about a better life is my XW's new favorite pasttime instead of making the one she had work, those holiday letters are more of an issue to me...not the letters themselves, I'd never begrudge a person happiness...just don't send it to me the day I have to sell pop bottles to get the gas to go to Toys For Tots to pick up my kids' Christmas, that's all! (No, that one wasn't sarcasm....just truth.)<BR>Here are some more pics I have been playing with: <p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 29, 2001).]

That was fun for a while, but reality has reared its ugly head again. Aaron came home today at 4:00PM, and he and I had an argument about it, and he is gone again. He is very argumentative, and tries to shoot holes in my value system as being not worth the trouble. Being in my situation, I can't really offer any 'defense', so I don't...I have no tools to battle this with...this constant lack of respect, I don't know how to fix this. Even when I was working, and providing, it wasn't there. I just don't understand what I do wrong...so consistently, so completely...it is a total mystery to me. There are people who respect me, and I them, so I don't understand why my family cannot see their way clear to provide me that. It is my yoke, and I cannot seem to put it down, cast it off, or anything except have it pull me down...what is the point? What am I missing here? I just don't understand...what more do they want from me? I give time, money, myself....this is a total mystery, and I want to make it better, I just can't seem to get it right. Its very frustrating, and I don't feel like a man anymore at all.<P>When I get through this, I will probably be the strongest man I know (5'8'/135...keep THAT in mind!), this is a trial of great proportion, there must be a wonderful prize at the end of it....there is an end, right?<P>I have quit expecting great things soon, but I really thought that I had things turned around a month ago...I was dreadfully wrong on that. I thought I was a good person, but God is showing me different these days...I must be far worse than I could've ever imagined, this is getting WAY out of hand, and I am wanting it to stop so much. This life is not working at all, and a new one seems very enticing to me now. I really feel like leaving it all behind, the XW, the kids, the friends (yes, like the one who's sleeping with my XW, and pretending to be my kids dad two days after the D!), all of it. My career is over, my house in ruin and foreclosure. What would be expected of me in this life? What is there to restore anymore? The vote of no confidence is unanimous now, I can no longer deny it. They just don't see me as respectable, and neither do I. This is not a pity party anymore...I am a failure in the most noble endeavor God has given us, and that realization means that I am a farce, and I did not even know it.

NO, THIS IS NOT TRUE. Okay, hang on... please tell me where you are at today with all of this. My battery is about to die so I'm going to come back in a few minutes... What you are saying about yourself isn't true. You just hang on here okay?! Just hang on! I'll be right back!<P>OTHERS, please help encourage our friend here...! Puh-lease!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17