hello everyone:<P>i am heading rapidly toward D-day - my wife and i have agreed on a settlement - i keep the townhouse and she gets cash (already has bought a new place) - the only thing left for us to do is sign the divorce setllement and process the paperwork at the bank for the mortgage<P>we agreed that my wife is taking most of our furniture while I keep the four walls<P>in short, i am having anxiety attacks over moving day - she's already started packing some of the smaller nick-nacks<P>i dont know how i am emotionally going to handle the day a big moving truck backs up and she loads it up with our life memories over the past ten years and rides off into the sunset<P>should i be present? should I have friends come over for emotional support that day? should i have a family member sit in and act as my agent to make sure she doesn't touch anything we agreed belongs to me? <P>i am having great difficulty with this issue and am wondering how others have handled both the logistical and emotional aspects of this unfortunate situation<P>any responses would be greatly appreciated - thanks<P>Ace

Ace,<P>I'll tell you what I did, and maybe it will help you. There were times when it felt too overwhelming to me be there when he was there, so at those times, I just arranged to stay away. That wasn't usually the case though. I usually arranged for the time way ahead of time so I could try to "prepare" my heart and get ready for anything. I wanted him to know that I would take him back if he EVER had an inkling of a desire that way, but I didn't want to throw myself at him, so I made a semi-soft plastic wall around my heart and got ready for when he was coming around.<P>I never had friends around for moral support, because I personally feel like if he's around and I cry, I can always go off by myself (maybe to the back porch) and I won't be embarrassed; whereas, if he was around and I cried in front of a friend, I would feel sorta stupid. That's just personally me, though. I don't mind crying at movies and stuff, but when I cry because I'm really hurt, I feel too vulnerable in front of other people.<P>Last, but not least, this is going to be a toughy, but I would suggest that you pack her stuff for her. Get the boxes, pack what you agreed is hers, and have it waiting for her when she gets there. It can be very symbolic and cathartic for you to do this kind of "final" act, and it will minimize the time that she is in the house picking over the stuff. Trust me, the longer she is there picking through the stuff, the worse it will feel. <P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I arranged not to be there and thought about it the whole time I knew she was there. I pretty much trusted her and let her get what she wanted, they are only things and not worth the worry. Part of my plan was to let her spend time packing and looking around the house giving her a chance to say goodbye. Well to my surprise, she did not take nearly the things she was suppose to get, she left alot behind, i think she just wanted to get out of the house. Do what ever you can to make this easier on yourself. I know your pain but it gets better, after she moved, i redecorated some to give it my look and take away reminders of her. I felt better just because I was able to get it done.<P>

Same here, Jabber. I was out that day, and she left A LOT of stuff, and has since used it for control purposes, and to keep an interaction open, which I hate, BTW. Once, she came in here and just took some stuff...she hasn't returned the thing she said she 'borrowed', either. She is just acting weird now, so are her friends. It just never seems to end, and sometimes its just sad, but most times, it just hurts. This is where it is at, however. Her doing, and not mine. I feel comfortable with that assessment.

Ace,<BR>This is a question that I am currently struggling with too.<BR>When my STBXH initailly left I packed up his clothing and he just came to pick it up. It was like he was going to camp or on a long business trip. I have wondered if I should do the same thing with the remainder to his things. Right now I am leaning to having him pack his own things up. One reason for this is kind of bitter but the other is more symbolic.<P>1. It was his choice to do all this, so I think he should experience the memories of the wonderful times we have had in this place. Packing up for him makes it just that much easier for him to not think about what his actions have brought. BrambleRose had a post called "detatching with love". She mentioned that this acticle said we should not make the unacceptable comfortable. This is the bitter reason.<P>2. Letting them pack or doing it together is a symbolic ending to the current relationship. Going through this ending may help clean the slate. Then a new relationship between the 2 of you may be able to develop if that is what you both desire.<P>I agree with Waiting_for_her that if you still have each others things (by design or not) it can be used as leverage for manipulation.<BR>I also agree that you should do what will hurt the least in regards to whether you are there if she packs her own things. I'm leaning to being here even though I know it will hurt terribly. It is probably not very wise because I will probably cry alot. But I think I have to go through this to be able to get on with things.<BR>Well, That is my 2$ worth. Good luck with your decision.<BR>Lisa

thanks to all who replied<P>right now i am planning on being present - from a philosophical standpoint, this is my home now - my wife made the decision to leave - i feel i should stand my ground and escort her through the door<P>things are very acrimonious right now - i have nothing but contempt for her and NO respect (for our full story please see the thread under Emotional Needs board entitled "Finally throwing in the towel") - she and her kind are nothing but liars and quiters - as Micaeal Douglas told his wife in the movie War of the Roses people like my wife have sunk lower than "primordial filth"<P>I hope that moving day is the last time I ever have to lay eyes on her - it will take a long time for me to be whole again after the emotional devestation she has sowed but as I told her the day she signs final divorce papers and moves out the door she ceases to exist in my life FOREVER - she will be chalked up to a very bad memory<P>we have no kids and I don't buy into this "let's stay friends" BS - what the hell for? who needs friends like her?<P>im very old school like that - hope to see more responses to this thread - thanks again for taking the time to reply<P>Ace

Ace,<BR> Your acrimony is your undoing, bitterness breeds contempt, and I'd say that you had a boatload at this point. Do not speak ill of your wife anymore. It is not going to gain you anything, much less give you peace of mind. You are being wronged, but you are also called to respond with love.<P>Honestly, when you were married, were you not friends then? Aside from what she has done (left you, that's all) is she not still your wife? Do you have no love for her at all? (Did she ever tell you about not having a switch for this purpose? Do you think that you DO?) You are hurt by her rejection, that is natural, and good. Your assault on her is natural, too...but not good.<P>Let's say you want to move on (easy enough, you do...), then move on, and leave the acerbic commentary to those who are that way...bitter and twisted in all their ways.<P>You needn't go 'there'. Weep for your marriage, for her hard heart, and leave it at that. Move from this place when you are ready, but move all the same. You are in a dark place, and it will not serve you well to remain there long. Your soul requires something more than that.<P>Take care, Ace...hang in there.<P>P.S. Yes, but didn't Michael Douglas the man have an affair, and divorce his wife? Words are easy to write, easier to say, but difficult to live/live with. Consider that next time you feel like launching into a lengthy diatribe against her.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 08, 2001).]