It took me awhile to get a copy of this book. The library didn't have it and I had to have it ordered from the bookstore. But, it is excellent:<P>"Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher<P>I'm only half way through the book, but here are a few highlights that I found to be very enlightening and/or helpful:<P>- There are three entities in a love relationship- two individuals & the relationship between them. It is analogous to a bridge: the two people are the foundations and the relationship is the span that connects the two foundations. When change occurs in one or both of the foundations, it strains the bridge and some changes are too great for the bridge to handle. For the bridge to be strong both foundations must be structurally sound; without major cracks. <P>- Patterns of development & interaction start long before love relationships end. The crack in your relationship may have begun even before you were married. For example, many people have not freed themselves from their parent's influence when they marry. They haven't formed identities of their own. Such a person may later decide to dump a love partner. But, when you examine what's really going on, you see that he or she is actually dumping the parent's control and influence. To rebel against the spouse may in reality be to rebel against the parents. <P>- When you are ready to face life alone and have found happiness as a single person, then you are ready to face life together with another person. Two whole people who have climbed the mountain of personal growth and self awareness will have a much more dynamic relationship than two half people joining together in an attempt to become whole. (Probably why most relationships begun as affairs are doomed to fail.)<P>- The better your feelings of self worth, the easier it is for you to accept the ending of your love relationship. Therefore, one of the keys to divorce recovery is to work on your self esteem.<P>- Even if you plan on getting back together with your former love partner, you may need time apart to change the old patterns of interaction. You may need to close off the bridge to traffic while you shore up the foundations. Experience individual personal growth before you start working on the bridge.<P>- The book discusses the over/under-responsible relationship adaptation in great detail. That's because it was the most common unhealthy adaptation strategy with the 2,000 people Bruce taught personally in his class. This pattern seems to be a major cause of divorce. (Similar to Harley's giver/taker philosophy.)<P>The book is arranged around 19 building blocks- specific feelings and attitudes in the form of a pyramid to symbolize the mountain that must be climbed. Things such as denial, fear, adaptation, lonliness, friendship, guilt/rejection, grief, anger and so on. It really makes you stop and do some soul searching on how you interact in every relationship in your life; not just your love relationship. <P>Anyway, I highly recommend the book. Has anyone else read it and found it to be helpful??

Thank you for the info about the Fisher book. I have not read it but it sounds like I could use it. I have browsed the library and bookstores quite a bit and have not really found a book that I thought address my particular needs. I think this one just might. I'm especially interested in the bridge aspect becaused I married very young and also the self-esteem aspect. I have aways thought my self-esteem was pretty good (And I think others would also agree),but that is what I stuggle with now. This is a surprise to me. Being rejected is just the pits! Thanks again. <BR>Lisa

You know, at my one counseling session (after the D, couldn't get in before!), the C recommended that book. My XW works at the library, and the only copy is across the river in Iowa...I passed anyway. That was a mistake. I am going to get it...THANKS FOR THE INFO!<BR>

Hi Lisa,<P>You're very welcome. In the book, it says that it's perfectly normal for your self esteem to take a dip when going through a divorce. It would be abnormal, if it didn't. Because your self esteem was good to begin with, you'll bounce back a lot faster. <P>The section on divorce anger is very helpful. It suggests several appropriate ways to vent the anger. This part is extremely important because when you can ditch the anger, you'll be able to move on much faster. One of the suggestions I found to be amusing was the use of fantasy. It suggested physical exercise in the form of golf or tennis and when you swing at the ball, pretend it's your Ex's head!!! Of course, it warned that if you are having trouble with self control, then fantasy probably isn't a very good idea!<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sidney:<BR><B>It took me awhile to get a copy of this book. The library didn't have it and I had to have it ordered from the bookstore. But, it is excellent:<P>"Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't know it, but it definitely sounds like it's worth checking out.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>- Patterns of development & interaction start long before love relationships end. The crack in your relationship may have begun even before you were married. For example, many people have not freed themselves from their parent's influence when they marry. They haven't formed identities of their own. Such a person may later decide to dump a love partner. But, when you examine what's really going on, you see that he or she is actually dumping the parent's control and influence. To rebel against the spouse may in reality be to rebel against the parents.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is <I>exactly</I> what my wife did. (See, CJ, I <I>can</I> be assertive in my analyses.)<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>- Even if you plan on getting back together with your former love partner, you may need time apart to change the old patterns of interaction. You may need to close off the bridge to traffic while you shore up the foundations. Experience individual personal growth before you start working on the bridge.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm always looking for suitable "gifts" to send my wife. Given my wife's dedication to our impending divorce, none of the many books about <I>saving</I> a relationship seem suitable. I like the idea of a book that picks up <I>after</I> a divorce and helps to explain what happened, but which also doesn't close the door to reconciliation. <P>Thanks for the recommendation!<BR>

Hi Waiting,<P>This book is used in divorce recovery support groups. Kind of like a textbook. I can see where it would be very therapeudic to discuss the various climbing blocks in a group setting. Maybe, if we can get a couple of people reading it, we can compare notes. Like an online group.<BR>I think this book could help anyone, not just those suffering through a divorce.

I just got this book myself after seeing it somewhere. I've been focusing on reading Al-Anon literature but after your recommendation, I'm going to start reading it tonight.

Hi Gnome,<P>You know, even though I've just started reading this book this week, I can already see that I'm light years ahead of my STBX in recovery and work on personal growth. I had already done many of the suggestions in the book to facilitate recovery. It was just intuition, for me. Whereas, my H is totally lost. Instead of dealing with his bag of lifelong problems he's been hauling around, he's trying to run from them via affair fantasyland. He just doesn't get it. And, I seriously doubt that he ever will.<P>What this book is poignantly pointing out to me is that we are on two totally different planes. I have used the crisis to grow. He hasn't. Even if he ended the affair tomorrow, I couldn't let him back into my life. He has done nothing to fix his cracks!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>[QUOTE]It suggested physical exercise in the form of golf or tennis and when you swing at the ball, pretend it's your Ex's head!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Sidney, It just so happened that I've signed up for a golf lesson through work next week. Now I'll have a whole new view when I'm taking that swing!!!<BR>Thank Bunches,<BR>Lisa<P>

Hi LetsTry,<P>Once you've read some of it, let us know what you think.

Lisa, you'll no doubt have the best aim of your golfing career!! This could turn you into a scratch golfer!

Yo Sid!<P>How are you girl? I have this book too and have read it cover to cover at least twice and now just dip in when I'm having "issues"...<P>And I too took the physical exercise as a means to vent anger bit to heart, though in some ways this has always come naturally to me. I was joking with a friend the other day that when my college boyfriend and I broke up, I started running 10Ks - it will take at least a marathon (if not more) to pound H out of my system. (on week 4 of my training program already!- each time my foot slams the pavement I can visualize...well, probably don't need to take that fantasy any further with you all...)<P>It is good to hear you sounding so positive sid. I am getting there too. I think the Fisher book is an excellent resource - I'd love to start a discussion group if we can get some folks interested. The part that really stayed with me was the rebel/shell stage stuff. Understanding that the affair was likely less about me than about H's own need to toss off some pre-existing family of origin stuff has helped me on that road to rebuilding self-esteem - which I agree is key to recovery.<P>Take care and let me know how you are. I am doing well. Learning to be without the kids this summer and about 6 weeks or so away from finalizing the D.<P>Starpony

Hey *Pony!<P>Nice to hear from you. All things considered, I am doing quite well. I filed for D three weeks ago after H told me he was AGAIN moving down to where OW lives. He had moved back home almost exactly a year ago, telling me it was over with OW. He lied, it wasn't. This past year has been the hardest of my life. Not only was H lying to me (at times right to my face, which I found rather chilling) and deceiving me, he was gradually becoming abusive. Like all of this is my fault!!<P>He moved out half of our household belongings two weeks ago last Friday. At that time, he told me he was planning on getting a place of his own on July 1, and that he would contact me, and give me his permanent address. Meanwhile he was staying with OW. I have not seen or heard from him since. I had given him a form that he needed to sign and have notorized saying that he had been given a copy of the divorce petition (which I gave him). He has not returned it. I suspect, true to form, he is simply trying to run away from the situation. When he left he had no job lined up but told me he was looking into some type of retraining program. I wonder how long OW is going to allow him to mooch off of her? So, I thought I would give him this week and if I still haven't heard from him, I'll contact my attorney and see what he advises. <P>The last time I spoke with H he told me he doesn't know what he wants or where he's going. As I was getting ready to leave for work that morning, he gave me a huge hug, then followed me out to my car and gave me a big kiss on the mouth. He also told me that he was planning on having a will made out and making ME the beneficiary! I told him that he doesn't owe me anything and he replied, "that's bull**** and you know it!" Also, he indicated that he was planning on coming up periodically to take care of the lawn. I told him that it wasn't necessary. He was quite insistent. Finally, I said, "You're not getting it. I'm opting out; I'm not playing this game anymore".<P>Meanwhile, I have begun to rebuild my life. I can actually feel that spark for living beginning to return! Like I'm getting back into life after a very long time. Today, I learned how to operate the riding lawn tractor and I mowed the front acre! ME!! By myself! I've recently had a few challenges thrown my way (like a 5" steel spike in one of my rear tires) and I've succeeded in overcoming every one. I know I will be okay and that I will survive and go on to live a very fulfilling life. I'm not so sure about H. And, that makes me very sad. My sister and I are planning on taking a cruise together this fall. I'm very excited about that!!<P>I'm so glad to hear that you're doing well. Please keep in touch and let us know how your getting on.

<BR>Wow, I think I need to track down this book.<P>I'm WAY too eager to start building bridges that are destined to crumble.<BR>

Hi TLC,<P>Yes, I think you'll really like and benefit from the book. As for me, I have really had no positive blueprint for a successful relationship. My parent's relationship was and is terrible. This book has really helped me to see the under-responsible/over-responsible pattern that I so easily fell into. It's a co-dependant pattern. I found it quite interesting to hear that this is the biggest reason for failed relationships. The first step to change is awareness.

I bought the book at Barnes & Noble about a week after D-day.<P>It is a great book. Helps to to process your grief in stages. Kinda like the stages of grief after a death. It seems to address the WS, BS, and those who mutually agree to split.