Tonight my stepson's girlfriend called to tell me that my stepson had just been arrested for drugs that belong to my H that were found in this house after I got a restraining order and got my H and the OW kicked out. My stepson has had problems with the law since he was a teenager and when the police found the drugs, they assumed they were his. <P>My H called, despite the restraining order, to ask if I was getting his son out of jail. I told him it was taken care of. He told me he was going to turn himself in for the drugs. I told him that was good since they were his. He replied, sarcastically, "yeah, right." I said, "they are," and hung up. <P>He called again a little while later. His speech was garbled like he was drunk. He said something I couldn't understand and ended with, "I love you a lot," and hung up. <P>I called my SIL, my lawyer, and my Al-Anon sponsor. Now I'm writing it here. I am still so vulnerable to his manipulations. It's so hard not to hope that he'll get sober and we'll be able to reconcile, even after all that's happened. Of course, he's still living with the OW, we're still getting divorced, and I'm still running our business alone.

Hi...<P>Big hugs first of all.<P>Huge so sorry this is happening and is really the way life is going down right now.<P>But, there is a future... one step at a time.<P>I hate the pain you're feeling... you still have hope and it's so hard! Hope just floats - and WILL NOT STAY DOWN! Sometimes I don't know if it should or not... <P>I don't have any advice for you ... just wanted you to know that I read your post and that I'm feeling for you.<P>God bless friend.<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

I got woken up twice last night. At 12:30 a.m. I got a call from my stepson, telling me it was too late to come over (duh?). One of my H's oldest friends is staying with me for the weekend with his fiance and her kids (I live near a national park that they are visiting) and my stepson wanted to see him. Then at 2:30 a.m., my H called again (I've got caller ID) but I didn't answer the phone.<P>Needless to say, I didn't sleep well...

Now, that's odd, and frightening. Not sure what kind of circumstances lead to that...but it is of no real import (the details, I mean.)<P>So, then this is your home they've been ousted from? If so, are you there/going there?<P>What do you think you should do for your stepson? Where do his feelings put him in this?<P>This is quite the buffet, isn't it? We are all walking around with very full plates these days. I feel like Atlas sometimes, but I know I'm not!<P>Can you imagine what great people we will be when the potter is done molding us? I only hope I can stand to be around myself then!<P>I got an invitation to my 20th class reunion in the mail...its 900 miles away, and really....oh, let's see...I went into the Air Force to start a life, got married, had four kids, and she left me 4 months ago for my best friend...what's up with you, snotty prom queen? (Not very realistic, the snotty prom queen probably didn't even know me!) No, I'm pretty sure I'll pass on that one. I'd rather go to a reunion of the school I went to before that.<P>Here is an intersting story that has nothing to do with any of this...<P>Palmer Chiropractic College is 15 miles from here. Twice a year they have boards for licensing. I 'work' as a patient sometimes, XW, also. Last spring (2000), I was 'faking' a slipped disk, and about 75 students had been examining me for 10 hours, and suddenly, the door opens, and one of my first girlfriends walks in...it totally floored me...she didn't recognize me! Later, I caught up with her, and it was really neat to see her. She invited (us...was supposedly 'happily married' then) to her graduation in October. Teri did not go, despite my pleading, since these people were from a part of my life she didn't know (we all went to a very small private school in Northern Virginia). I went, and had a good time. It was very spooky meeting up with her...she has returned home, and is starting up her practice. I knew then that something was definitely wrong with us, and two days later, I got fired. Thus began the tail spin I'm still in now. Its a little spooky, because I was very happy at that school, with those people, and she didn't want any part of it...DUH!<P>Oh well, just something else to read for you, LT.<P>I hope this works out better than it started for you. One thing that is good...it is an opportunity to show your integrity, and you will feel good doing the right things, just don't feel too good about how good you are, you know?<P>GOD BLESS...Sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

OvrCs, Thanks for the support. Yeah, sometimes hope sucks.<P>waiting, I'll check daily to make sure my head's not swelling... Your prom queen story reminds me of how my H and I used to joke about sending one of those Christmas letters that only the people with really perfect lives seem to send... Here's one for my upcoming 50th birthday (no, I'm not shy about telling my age, I'm proud I've survived this long) T and I are getting divorced so he can drink and do drugs and have kinky sex with his 22 year old girlfriend while I support him. B went to jail again for his father's drug stash. The in-laws now refer to me as "that b**** from Connecticut." But, I finally managed to lose the weight I put on during chemotherapy, and more...

I know the type...used to get a couple of them a year...then...who knows? Semi-automaic weapon, perhaps? I don't know...I hear that perfection is tough to take!<P>Yes, please put me on that list...I'll put you on mine...it should be an interesting story...the last year I've been to court six times...I missed the D...had to work, and it was a 'surprise'...sort of. None of the court appearances were mine, however...very interesting, indeed.<P>"Look at how Kip and Kerry have grown. Snuggles, the cat, and Rex, the dog send greetings to you, too. [and your miserable lower middle class struggle of an existence.] We just bought a time share in Fiji for Christmas, and we donated $5,000 in your name to save the purple spotted gekko. Happy holidays"

((((LetSTry))))<P>Sounds like you need to get Caller ID! Something else that I did, when I knew my H was going to call and I knew that I would be tempted to pick up the phone was to turn all the ringers off. I have my voicemail thru the phone company, so I'd let the voicemail pick up everything. <P>If I heard the ringing, I knew I wouldn't be able to resist picking up the phone, and I couldn't relax.<P>There were days that I left the phone off only to find 5 or 6 phone calls from my H. It made him NUTS not to be able to reach me - (heehee this is one of those HEALTHY mind games we are allowed to play!). But my day was peaceful, not being disturbed by the phone and his attempted intrusions.<P>It's so hard not to be in love with the alcoholic's potential isn't it? I know that if I could just get the drunk in my life to stop drinking that he would be a wonderful man and fulfill his potential. And so I keep clinging, and hoping - and my expectations keep getting dashed, and I become more and more resentful, angry and upset.<P>Any time I am saying "what if", I am simply trying to control the situation, looking for loopholes in reality.<P>(((((hugs))))<P>

Waiting, doesn't sound like you've got anything to worry about at this point, but I'll keep an eye on you... One "perfect" family who always sent us a Christmas letter finally stopped when the couple got divorced. The H had multiple A's (which never made it into their all-good-news-no-bad-news Xmas letter).<P>BR, I have caller ID but didn't recognize the 1st number because he called from his new cell phone (now I have the number written down). When he called in the middle of the night, I didn't answer because I recognized the number as his parent's trailer at the beach, where he and OW are living. This morning there was a message, no words, just H sighing.<P>The restraining order works extremely well to prevent those calls. I reported these to my lawyer but didn't call the police because he was calling about his son, not to harass me. I don't need to inflame an already volatile situation.<P>Today my SS is coming over to visit. I think he wants me to let him stay here so this will be a challenge to my new and improved boundary setting skills. Despite the fact that the arrest was for my H's drugs, he admitted to me that he's dealing drugs - probably sold H the drugs that were found - and he's an unemployed alcoholic. I'm not going to let them stay here and I'm anticipating that my H, his parents, and my SS will get a lot of mileage out of that since their current favorite accusation is that I'm a greedy, selfish b****.

How are we doing today? Is your SS staying with you? I had a discussion with my 17 year old with respect to his friends bringing alcohol and pot over here...It seems as though the teenage community sees my house as a convenient 'party place'...when I got wind of it, we had an argument. He said he was entitled, its his house, too! I replied...then make the payments that I'm behind on...no answer. I asked him how entitled he would feel when Bubba was sodomizing his father who just got arrested on 7 counts of contributing, and possession of marijuana. I know it was hardline, but really! He left, and hasn't been back since. Tough love is, well tough on us...I know how you must feel...at least somewhat.<P>Take care, and stay true to yourself. I'm praying still. -Mike<BR><p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 13, 2001).]

Hi LetSTry,<P><BR>Sorry you are going through so much. Does it really matter what his side of the family think? You should not let your Step Son live in the house expecially if drugs are involved. You could loose the house. The governement can take it from you and sell it to help fund the war on drugs. Do you really want to deal with that?<P>Tony's family hates me. At this point it is mutual. I am tired of their ranting and ravings on how awful I am. But I am not so bad when they need something from me. I have never met an entire family of stupid selfish individuals in my entire life. I support there son for over a year with no help from him and now that I said he either pays his way or moves out I am bi%^h that only cares about money. <P>I am sorry you are in this place but someone has to be an adult. Look a couple of Tony's siblings do drugs and underage drink. I refuse to let them in my house. I worked too hard to loose it because they do not care what their children do. At this point you have to protect yourself. Also you are doing no favors to them by letting them avoid reality. For every action there is a re-action.

Thanks, Mike, for checking on me. My stepson didn't call back for a few days, and when he did, I told him he couldn't stay with me. I felt guilty for a minute, but got over it. He and his girlfriend came by a few days ago to pick up some more of their stuff. Meanwhile, this week he (SS) was arrested for the drugs, belonging to my H, that were found in the house after I got a restraining order to kick my H and the OW out. My H told his son that he would turn himself in for the drugs, but seems like he's not doing it. Oh well, it would've been out of character if he had. <P>Right in the middle of writing this, I got a call from my H's best friend, and fellow sociopath, asking me for my H's phone #. He says my H has moved from his parents' trailer. Sorry, didn't know that and don't talk to him. It was a very aggravating phone call. Seems my H is still blaming everything on me and plans to drag out the divorce as long as he can so he and the OW can go live on some island while I support them. His friend asked if him why he didn't want to get divorced quickly and he said he might move back with me after a while because he knows I'd take him back (!). <P>Well, aside from that phone call, I've been doing much better. The business is running smoothly, I'm going to 3 Al-Anon meetings a week, going to the gym 3-5 times a week, going to church, and beginning to reach out and get a life.<P>How are you doing? I know you were having a rough time earlier in the week.<P>Pahakissa1, I'm over my in-laws, and in fact, it's better not being involved with my H's family, less ties to break. I try to be loving toward my stepson when he calls, but I don't call him. He's drinking, selling drugs, and basically not to be trusted.

Hi LetSTry,<P>Lisa here. I wanted to respond to your post over on Nell's thread. I hope you are doing alright. I don't envey the amount of stuff on your plate.<P>You mentioned that you are a breast cancer survivor, and that you hoped that your romantic vacations aren't over either. Listen girl, you've got alot going for you from what I have read. You are smart, capable, I bet beautiful (us short girls have to stick together! ), and have a big heart. And after all you have been through, I still detect that you are an optimistic person. I can't help but think that that is very attractive to the opposite sex. In my opinion after about the age of 35, nobody's body is perfect!<P>I remember reading that to feel passion, your partner has to have invested something in your emotional bank account. And I'm sorry, but your H sounds like a jerk! I bet he feels inadequate compared to you. No wonder you aren't interested! 40 lbs and a butch haircut...I love it!!! <P>I'm sorry that you are having to go through so much with not only a WS but also drugs. I was nearly floored that your H offered drugs to the kids. Sounds like he is trying to sabotage everything around you. Is there anything you can do legally to protect yourself financially? I don't know much about divorce law, but I do know that after my STBXH took $3000 out of our account to buy a boat in cash so he could hide it from me, that the lawyer made sure that he could not do anything major to our assets without my approval.<P>Keep on keepin on!!<P>Lisa <P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

Lisa, Thanks for your kind response. It really made my day. My H is a jerk, but he's a sick jerk. I talked to him today (see my other post) and something is really wrong with him. I've already got the money protected after H bought himself an old Porsche, paid for motel rooms, and furnished a house for himself and OW.