Folks, I just don't get it, or maybe I do..<P>The VSTBX just bought a new car. Used her own credit rating, used her name, I signed the papers (title xfer, and the like) w/ no problem what so ever. I asked her that when she called the insurance people to split the policy so she would get her side of the bill and it would go to her residence. <P>You got it. She didn't. Frickin procrastination(sp?) to the max.. I got the bill.. for the full load. <P>I've been in Nashville for the last couple of weeks and when I get home here it is.. So no problem I'll talk to her about it.. When she brought my daughter over after a party saterday night I calmly and with out any meannes or stresfull overtones at all asked to talk to her about it.. She da@#ed near exploded. She asked "What the F$%^ do you want me to do about it?" I asked "That we talk calmly about it" She said "F%^& that". Just tell me how much I owe" and stormed out the door. <P>Unbelievable.. <P>After thinking about it I think I may have the answer but had to post to get feedback. To all that know of my story the wife has an extreme problem with her not being to blame for ANYTHING.. Well guess what, she dropped the ball on the insurance deal. I have proof as I have the bill in my hands.<P>She said she wanted to be best friends and my opinion is that if one of us wants to talk about something Important then as friends you should talk about the issue. <P>What a crook.. She isn't trying to hold on to anything, she wanted out and she's getting it. She's a procrastinator, always was and always will be.. That's probably what killed our marriage.. <P>I cannot wait for the this period in my life to be over..<BR>DA$%it, Da@#t, Dam@#.. Shot, shot, shot.. And HECK!!!..<P>HeHeHe.. Dagone that felt good. <P>Oh well, What comes around, goes around.<P>Thanks for letting me vent.<BR>Tex.<P>P.S. Cenderilla, How did the trip go? I was thinking about you the whole time.. Hope it was good.<P>

I don't really have any useful advice to give, but to say we understand.<BR>My STBXH is also a procrastinator. He wanted the divorce but after he kept putting it off for 1 1/2 yrs,<BR>I finally had to do the dirty deed myself. He knew how bad that would make me feel. Oh Well.<BR>My H also wants to be "friends". My question is- Is this how they treat their friends - I DON'T THINK SO!!! <BR>That is the problem that I have with the concept of staying friends. Often these spouses don't treat us as friends - but we are supposed to extend our hand anyway. I know that if any of my friends treated me the way my STBXH has treated me, I would NOT consider them friends. It's a tricky line we walk isn't it? And the weird thing is even after he has treated me this way, I still long for some kind of contact and/or friendship with him. Guess this is where I could sure use God's help and guidance.<P>How was Nashville? - I'm a Tennesse girl so I hope they treated you well. <P>

Hey Tex,<P>Didn't anyone tell you that Duracell and Everready batteries don't work in the fog? Her internal calculator is broken - no batteries. Something about too much moisture or something like that? Yep, didn't think about the insurance and sounds like she doesn't care. <P>You sure are a nice guy. Her loss. <P>Good thing you are venting here. Sounds like a lot was pent up. <P>Take Care, just wanted you to know it was not your fault that she can't add new car + new registration = new insurance. <P>L.<BR>

AGMIT,<BR> 'For it is better, if the wiil of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.' I Peter 3:17<P> 'Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.' Romans 12:21<P> Now, you know full well I could go on...the point is (as I see it from God)...'be angry, do not sin.' That's just peachy, ain't it? Yes, it just gets better every day. This is the testing of your faith...Try to rejoice in it...God is testing your worthiness of His blessings.<P> I would pay it if I could possibly afford it...yes, I would pay it. Once you are D'ed, you can drop her from the policy, and likely get some of the money back, but the point I would try to make by paying in the first place is not standing in her way. She is looking for that type of reaction from you, I suspect. This goes well beyond procrastination...honestly the buying of the car in her name took more work than getting a quote would have.<P> At first, I thought your response depended on whether you wanted her back in the future, then I realized that it does not. There is a fine line between being righteous, and being a doormat. In fact, I'm not sure that there is even a line there. Not saying to continue to be walked over, but I guard my reactions carefully, and change the value when necessary to keep integrity at the forefront.<P> I guess what I am saying is DAMN...that stinks, and I think you were killing those LBs big time! You are certainly 'justified', but the high road is hard too see sometimes...what to do? You have already shown great character throughout your ordeal, and I respect you for that, AGMIT, you are an honorable man. Do what you feel is best after careful introspection, and meditation in the Word.<P>Take care, and God bless.

Got a solution for you - if the car isn't in your name - you can have it removed by your insurance agent from your billling - I found that out recently when I was taking care of my insurance.<P>It works!!! As for the x procrastinating - mine hasn't even come over to see the kids - which I feel is a blessing... Let it go -it's really NOT worth the hurt feelings.<P>Later.

I don't know. With all the CS I'm paying, she now has takes home significantly more than I do. (not a gripe). And Taxes free. HeHeHe. Man O'Man. <P>Anyway. I think its just that she figures I would blame her for something. Jesssss' get over it. Pretty soon she will be on her own and I won't be there to make the call anymore. <P>Man'O'Man In the words of Homer Simpson. "Excelanttaaaa" <P>Tex.<P>

Sounds like she is a little passive aggressive to me. Take a deep breath. It is almost over. My ex was similar to this, never got anything done, and that was a BIG reason for our self destruction. PA people can't be handled like regular people. They avoid responsibility, pass blame to others, procrastinate, lie, and have what seem to be plans, but never carry them out. Then the cycle of blame starts up again. It is hard to deal with, I know, because it doesn;t make sense. PA people: <P>[have] the uncanny ability to create maddening situations. You want more from [them]--real emotional connection or a show of cooperation, less edginess and antagonism, less self-consciousness between the two of you....When you talk it over, if [they] agree to anything, it will be: how you are to blame,...how you're always wanting more...how you never appreciate him/her...for the passive aggressive [person] it is always about them, not you...if you are to blame, then [they] are not."<P>--Living with the Passive AGgressive Man (Scott Wetzler, PhD.)<P>PA's get you to doubt yourself, accept responsibility that is not yours, and lose control. Signs:<P>Fear of dependency (victory is won by denying the need for support)<P>Fear of intimacy (picks fights to create distance)<P>Obstructionism (makes promises, blocks real progress, deliberately frustrating you, keeping you from getting your way)<P>FOstering chaos (prefers incompleteness, undone jobs, sets up untolerable situations if your life is linked to his)<P>Excuses/lying (withholds info--source of power over you, ignores reality, makes reality look better)<P>Feels victimized<P>Procrastination (time squandered--again avoiding responsibility)<P>Chronic lateness and forgetfulness (keeps you waiting, sense of control, he sets ground rules)<P>Ambiguity (mixed messages, non specifics, did he/she say yes or no???)<P><BR>Many of our spouses, after they leave for whatever reason, take a passive aggressive stance regarding the divorce. Again, it is about blame and responsibility. But some people are like this all the darn time.<P>It is about control, Tex, and basically, there isn't much you can do about it. Those are her issues. About control, submission, and anger. Like an addict of sorts, there is little you can do other than to examine what you do to help foster or tolerate that behavior from her (not being a victim, managing her life, or being a rescuer of her) and then step back. <P>Hang in there, and keep cursing. You do it well. And it helps!! <P>Cheryl<p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited July 08, 2001).]

Thanks big time Cheryl (GSD).<P>If there was a nail you hit it dead bang center.. <P>Passive aggressive very interesting. BINGO!!!.<P>Tex<P>

My trip was awesome, Tex!<P>You can check out some info on THE BIG DAY thread!<P>Seriously fine vacation!

Tex,<BR>Call your agent, have him split out her stuff and forward to her. Pay whats yours and what she does with hers is her problem.<P>Bob

What is it with this past weekend? Is it just that it was the first weekend after the full moon?<P>Anyway, Tex, I hadn't heard from you in a while and I was wondering how you've been doing. I agree with Bob, you'll have to make the call yourself. <P>Cheryl, I've got the Passive Aggressive book that you quoted, but I haven't read it yet. But I can tell you that my stbxH fits the definitions to the nth degree. It's infuriating, and he was in rare form this past weekend.<P>I'll be writing another post on a more general forum about the mess that went on.......<P>~Amy

Oh, yeah! I forgot. A comment on your venting.<P>Personally, I wouldn't rake her over the coals. Just remind her to take care of her insurance.<P>Do I gather you have a court date? If you do and you wanted to give her a lot of notice, call the agent and have her removed as of that date. But give her some notice.

Tex,<P>Okay, one side of me (the little devil side) says if you're going to pay the insurance bill, key the car. Oh boy!! I'm naughty!! But the other side of me (the angel side) says to just behave like an adult and show the divorce papers to the insurance guy and get her off the policy. That is the mature and adult way to behave.<P>Wouldn't it be more fun if we could have a hissy-fit, though? Come ON! One little temper tantrum, just once! <P>Just have fun imagining it <P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

CJ, I knew you would reply. Thanks..<P>Na, I'm not going to do anything mean. Its not in me. Plus the car looks nice.. I just figure I'll split the bill down the middle and when its final split the policy.<P>Its just that she could be a bit more adult about the issue(s) As I figure we are going to have more inthe next 10 years or so. But that has always been one of her problems. Ovoidence. Blame Framing. etc. GSD said it sounds like a Passive Agressive, which had most of the traits I recognise.<P>I don't like having to close my right eye when she gets all angery and stuff, she has the ability to sound like a bunch of fingure nails being raked across a black board... <P>But that's her problem. I just don't want me daughter to get into the same habits. <P>Tex.