My wife is planning to move out; divorce is very likely but not certain. She's been doing the "I love you, you're wonderful, but I'm not 'in love' with you dance, which has confused me to no end. <P>More than a few people have asked if she's cheating on me, and until last week, I always said I didn't think so. Now, I have suspicions of an emotional affair that's driving this (I don't think it's physical yet, but maybe I just don't want to believe that). The clues are strong- she headed out the door, dressed up and made up to die for, to go to an outdoor concert, where I found out she was planning to see a guy she knew. He called our house and said he couldn't meet her (either he doesn't know he's the object of her affections, or he's incredibly nervy). Some other behaviors over the last year or so start to fall into place, as well.<P>So, I'm not sure, but I think I'm right. Any advice for me on when or if I should talk with her about this?

I think you're right too. My advice would be to run, don't walk, to your phone and call MB to set up an appointment for counseling with either Steve or Jennifer. Do exactly what they tell you to do to the very best of your ability.<P>I'd also recommend that you wait until getting their advice before talking with your wife about an affair. If you're right and this is still at an emotional level, she'll lie and deny and tell you he's "just a friend". From what you've said so far, she's involved in an emotional affair and she's giving you the classic signals that most of us here have already seen. Keep your eyes open, but don't confront or accuse.<P>Good luck. Most of us here have been through this mess. My marriage ended in a trainwreck, but that doesn't mean yours has to. If I had known about MB when I was beginning this journey I'm confident that I'd have been able to keep it together.<P>Good luck.<P><BR>--<BR>o2bsane@hotmail.com<BR><p>[This message has been edited by o2bsane (edited July 09, 2001).]

DBT.....Sorry....yes, this is a rerun, didn't like it the first time I saw it, and it doesn't get any better in subsequent viewings.<P>Do not mention the affair to anyone...except C, and here. It will lead you into the abyss, trust me. It either is, or isn't...period. No one is going to throw you a party for being so 'clever'...especially her. She will see it as the only time you 'saw' anything, so watch out!<P>Get the appointment NOW. Plan A...read and heed...be prepared for an instant transition to Plan B. If you are religious, buy a new Bible...for you. Try to find these if you can:<BR> 'His Needs, Her Needs' by Willard Harley (most of it is elsewhere on this site)<BR> 'How To Save Your Marriage Alone' and<BR> 'Love Life For Every Married Couple' by Ed Wheat<P>Don't be obvious, but let her 'catch' you reading them, or 'accidentally' leave them out, bookmarked to a spot that concentrates on HER, not the affair, or you. I am not advocating dishonesty here, but you need to plant some seeds now in order to reap something in the future.<P>Be strong friend...yes, its like a train wreck, to be sure. We are here, come and talk when you need to...leave your desperation and resentment HERE, and be loving there...get it? God bless you...I am sorry for your pain.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<BR><B>Do not mention the affair to anyone...except C, and here. It will lead you into the abyss, trust me. It either is, or isn't...period. No one is going to throw you a party for being so 'clever'...especially her. She will see it as the only time you 'saw' anything, so watch out!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for the suggestions and support, especially the above slap in the face (I mean that in the "thanks, I needed that" vein). One dark little thought in my head was to let her know she wasn't putting anything over on me- but I know that wouldn't do anything useful.<P>I've read about Plan A/Plan B, but I don't know how to put it into action here. I've been doing something like Plan A for four months, while she talked about moving out- I told her I loved her and wanted her to stay, but that there was no legit way for me to tie her down. We did a retreat, we did counseling, but she never wavered from what she said the first night- she needs to separate, to make her own home, she has no passion for me, etc. etc. etc. I feel like I've done all the work these past months, and she's not meeting me anywhere near halfway.<P>I'll call about counseling, I guess- we have a marriage counselor, who will soon be our divorce counselor, I guess. I can see I'm going to spend a lot of time in analyst's offices after this.<P>

Yes, the therapy dollars really start to flow at times like these...just what you needed, another hand in your wallet!<P>Looks like its Plan B time. This transition will be HARD...VERY HARD. You will not trust things, and you will want to revert to a sort of over the top Plan A...this a the definition of a 'backslide', which is really DivorceBusting, and not the Harley's term...I tend to take a little here, and a little there...like a sort of psychological smorgasbord. Plan B is Plan B. It supposed to look/feel much different, and uncomfortable. At first, she will really test you, and then, if you keep it up properly, she will begin to regret things (that she should, not the marriage, which I am sure she has already told you.) Yes, there is revisionist history going on here. Do not be moved ny it. You know the score. Reality and time may seem to be your enemies, but they are your allies here. Lose either your perspective, or your patience, and you will be working her plan, not yours.<P>Stay tuff (but loving), detacted (but loving) and loving (oh). You can do this! -Mike

questions regarding A/B:<P>- two kids (6 and 3) involved. Obviously, I don't want any harm done to them. How do I avoid that? How do I cut off from her, but not from them (especially in joint custody)? <P>- I feel I need a certain amount of cooperation from her; I mean divorce would not only scar us both pyschically, but would mess me up financially (I have assets- she has debts). Is there a way to get that cooperation in the middle of plan B?

Plan B is a very LAST RESORT plan, only to be implemented for 2 reasons: To protect any remaining love in your love bank for your spouse, and also to prepare you for an possible impending divorce. <P>Plan B means completely elminating contact with your spouse except through a third party. It is extremely tough to implement, and needs to be carefully planned and thought out. You also need to be ready emotionally - it is VERY hard to do.<P>I don't think you have had the time to work on Plan A, which means elminating Love Busters (your spouse determines which behaviors of yours are love busters) and trying to fill emotional needs.<P>I should also mention that Plan B is NOT to be implemented before doing a great Plan A, so that your spouse's memories of you are good ones.<P>If you can't get ahold of Steve Harley (highly recommended!) then do try to get the books on Love busting and emotional needs. You need to get this into place ASAP!<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>