Hello to all!<P>I am new here and in need of help. First a little background. I married my 2nd husb. twice, and we split up several times. The last time I left since he refused to get any counseling. He did not want me to leave but refused to get help and said things would have just worked themselves out. Before our divorce went through he had some little nasty living in my house and then I brought myself down to his level and started going out with his brother. He had to rub the fact that the other woman was only 26 and her only child was born through c-section. He made me believe that he loved her and said it was to pay me back for leaving him. He let her quit her job and be a stay at home mom, ect. Whatever my dream was, she got to live it. So even though I did not mean to use his brother to pay him back, I guess still in the back of my head I knew it would kill him. I regret everything I did, but he feels he was innocent. We had so many problems that there is probably not enough space on the web to tell you all about it.<P>The main problem is mental (verbal) abuse. He did seek me out and talked me back into moving back in with him after I had bought a new mobile home. Just like before he was being a wonderful husb. just as I always wished him to be, making all those promises that he would never hurt me again. You see, he is a clean freak and I am not. It's not like I like a dirty house, but my main problem is that I have Narcolepsy and it's hard to work a normal work week, and overtime then come home and have the energy it takes to get everything else done. I just cant do it. This is why I wish I could be a stay at home mom, this way I could also keep the house clean too. Well, all his promises were broken. He started thinking about me and his brother, (like I did not think of that girl and my husb. in my bed!), so he started to stay up on his computer and ignore me just like before I left the first time. He did not want to share with me his feelings. So therfore I thought I had done something wrong again. He also has a control issue. He should be the (man) of the house and soooooo on.<P>Also this week we are on vacation. Guess what, he is going to PA with his parents. This is my only full week off and he is leaving me. Says he needs to get away from me. I am so hurt and confused. There has been so many hurtfull and hatefull words spewed out of his lips, and I have drove myself crazy trying to figure out how a person can tell another you love them so much, then do everything in your power to utterly rip there hearts from the chest. I really wanted to believe he was sincere this time around and he says I am the cause of his behavior. He has alot of issues, like anger, hostillity and feeling that I do not love him and that I try to steal his manhood away. I do love him, but I deserve to be happy for once in my lifetime.<P>We have had alot of stress together, a total loss of a home, car ect. due to a flood, then I have lost 5 babies on top of that. I hate divorce and wish I could make our problems disappear. I have done alot of praying, but it's not helped. My prayers were for God to show me how to be the best wife I can to make my husb. happy, and also a good mom for my 2 children from prev. marriage. Also I prayed for God to give me patience and to be able to hold my tongue when I got angry, and I wanted God to allow husb and kids to go to heaven if they die without accepting him as their savior. Every since I had gotten back into church, things have gotten worse. My mother in law (which I do love her even though she helped screw up my vacation), says that the devil will try to destroy my family and marriage because I am trying to please the Lord. That damn devil is winning.<P>I threatend to leave before my husb. comes back from vacation. I still own my mobile home. I dont want to. He told me to go ahead and make an appt. with a counselor, but then says no one will tell him what to do, and that they will just end up saying we should not be together anyway. Then he says, I had better straighten up before he comes home and start doing what he wants me to do. Guess that means only live to make him happy and follow his orders when he wants me too.<P>I have to struggle if I move again. Always had to work 2 jobs when divorced and that is extremely hard with narcolepsy. I can barely hold onto the one job I have. I am constantly struggling to stay awake even with medication.<P>Help me, what do I do. I know I gave quite a bit of info and maybe not enough for any of you to help me decide, but I feel I am losing it here. I did at one point after my last divorce with him, end up checking myself into a mental hospital. I do not want to go back. This sucks, because I would rather die than to feel this pain, or to just go through life just feeling as though I exist but never be happy. Before I did continue to go out, bowl and other things after I left the hospital. But I still hated life. I am sooo scared I am heading there again. If it werent for my children I would just check out of life to help stop the pain, also the thought of going to Hell stops me from doing that.<P>Help!! Any suggestions appreciated.<P>Starrr (fizzling out and dying)<BR>