<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: cantletgo ]</p>

i don't remember, do you have kids?<P>

You need to do something about that! Do not let him talk to you in that manner anymore. If I were in that situation again, I would tell him calmly that you will not allow him to speak to you that way anymore and that when he is ready to carry on a civil conversation you will be willing to listen. I would then leave the house until he has has had time to cool off. I am so sorry you have been dealing with this. It sounds like you H has some serious anger issues. Has he always been like this? I would like to suggest some things for you. I have heard about another website called verbalabuse.com I would suggest you check it out. I also have a book recommendation, "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud/Townsend. Hope that helps, please let us know how you are doing.<BR>June

<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: cantletgo ]</p>

Bottom line is that he only speaks to you that way because you allow it. You need to take a stand for yourself and not put up with it anymore. Think of the alternative, would you rather things stay the way they are just for the sake of you trying to save your marriage? I would hope not. Get a backbone, stand up to him, let him know what kind of husband HE needs to be in order to stay in a relationship with you. YOU need to take control and tell him you will not live like this ANY longer! He will be shocked but I think you will gain repect out of it.<BR>June

{{{{{{{cantletgo}}}}}}}}}}<P>Loved your description of the power outage. I can think of many scenarios where my H is equally irrational and belligerent. Jeepers alive, what's more important than AC?? Definitely a bummer about the fence and the lawn getting trashed, but AC is AC. What DO they think about when they determine priorities? <P>I've been married 14 years too. Your H seems a lot more vocal than mine. Passive aggression I believe is my H's condition. CLG, your H sounds very disrespectful in his treatment of you. It will continue as long as you allow it. I'm in the same boat. I don't consider 14 years disposable either. I'm shifting my focus from the last 14 years to the next 14 years, and I fear that I may need to exit my marriage in order to remove my H's behavior from my life. That puts pretty high stakes on the notion of what we allow into our lives. <P>I want to thank junebug for mentioning <A HREF="http://www.verbalabuse.com." TARGET=_blank>www.verbalabuse.com.</A> I first read about verbal abuse at <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com." TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com.</A> I saw a lot of familiar things there, but at the time I was deeply entrenched in denial. There's a message board using the same software as MB at verbalabuse.com. It looks like they're having troll problems over there, but it's definitely an appropriate forum for me. I hate to say it, cantletgo, but it might be a helpful place for you too. more hugs... and if you haven't read any books by Townsend and Cloud, RUN to the library and get one.

Cantletgo,<BR>I agree that you should not let your H verbally abuse you. However, you mentioned that even though he is treating you badly and says he wants out, that some of his actions contradict this. If he is still working on the house and does not actively pursue divorce, maybe he has mixed feelings about your relationship. I wonder if his unacceptable behavior is a way to affirm leaving. If you act angry or in a way that he thinks is uncaring, he can say "See, she doesn't really care". The other lady friend also complicates matters. I think you are at a critical time. How you act now is really important. When I first realized that my H was entertaining thoughts of another woman, I did not handle it well. I alternated between anger with lots of yelling and tears with "how could you do this to us/me". It DID NOT HELP the situation. I'm still not sure how I should have acted, but I do know what I did wasen't useful and pushed him further away. That is not to say that you should EVER tolerate verbal abuse. But if you think that there is something there to fight for, staying firm but loving and being really consistent in this might be a good stategy. I may be way off base because I couldn't fix my marriage, but I just think that your marriage still has a chance as long as your H is undecided and you want it to work and show him this.<BR>I also recommend you look up Plan A & B if you haven't already. I wish I had read this when my H first left.<BR>Hang in there!<BR>Lisa

<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: cantletgo ]</p>

clg,<P>You said that you had started seeing a therapist. Have you gotten on any anti-depressant or anxiety meds.?<P>You are SO obsessed with this woman. If your H was druggy-sick and told you that nothing was going on.....for all you know, he could be right. But in the state that you are in, are you sure that you are thinking clearly enough to discern the truth?<P>I also get the impression that you are doing things which are 'triggers' for him. Responding to his argument about the electrical workers; setting things in his bathroom; hunting him out to ask him questions.<P>Just leave him alone. If he wants to rant, let him. It doesn't mean that you have to get dragged down into the mud with him. Instead of just setting stuff in the bathroom or a place where he'll see it, actually put it up (if possible), or don't buy it unless he requests it. [Put a shopping list up on the fridge. If he needs something, he can write it down and he won't ever have to talk to you about it.] And why do you have to ask him things? <P>Stand on your own. Take care of him, but why go out of your way to do 'extras'? <P>Let it go. Give him the impression that you are doing just fine and you're not going to let HIS problems get to you.<P>Go back and read over your Plan A materials. Get the co-dependency info. Tell your therapist that you may need more frequent visits.<P>Also, please consider, he sounds like he's getting more and more forceful (I don't know if that's the word I'm looking for). Do you feel yourself to be in any physical danger? Has he made any threats of physical harm?<P>If there's a chance, then you may want to put together a list of phone numbers and places where you can go if this should take a turn for the worse. Learn what the legal procedures are if he should threaten to or actually hurt you.<P>[This has been going on for so long and it seems to be slowly building. I hope you don't have to use any of the info., but it's better to be prepared.]<P>Take care,<BR>~Amy