Maybe I am the one who is wrong in this. I<BR>don't know anymore. I hope someone can help.<BR>I have been married for 9 years. My wife <BR>has had several affairs, which she says is<BR>because our marriage is terrible. So I did<BR>some research into marriage building and that<BR>is where I found Dr Harley's book on affairs.<BR>I read it and was amazed. My wife and I <BR>decided to reconcile, and yet she still wants<BR>to maintain her relationships with these "formers". I asked her not to and she says<BR>that I can't trust her and she can't remain<BR>with anyone who can't trust her. She says<BR>get better or it's over! She talks openly<BR>about sex I mean overtly and she says I am<BR>uncomfortable with that because I am insecure. I am lost and time is ticking...

You are not wrong in asking your wife to stop associating with her ex-lovers. She is not being respectful of you in not caring whether you feel hurt by her associating with these "friends". I would recommend that you address this issue as well as her liberal attitude toward sex and morality with a marriage counsellor. Keep in mind that even though you may love her you might find after marriage counselling that she may not be the type of person that you may want to be married to. Meanwhile keep communicating with her and hope that she will realize that her marriage to you is important. Best wishes.

She has had several affairs, yet she is telling you to get better or it's over? She says you don't trust her? I am trying to figure out what behaviour she has demonstrated to earn your trust. Multiple affairs does not build trust. My guess is you should take your wallet and leave. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable in a marraige, and then for her to blame it on you is completely unacceptable in any human relationship.

double post removed<p>[This message has been edited by Alice (edited June 11, 1999).]

I hear your advice. I cannot put all blame <BR>on her. This I understand. Our troubles <BR>started years ago. I continue to find out<BR>lies about her up to as recently as 2 months<BR>ago. It was at that time, SHE asked me to<BR>come back, and SHE bought rings. Things were<BR>great. We are faced with other outstanding<BR>issues as well that I think are wreaking havok on her well-being. I have taken a <BR>transfer across country and she is expecting<BR>one soon. It should have happened months ago<BR>but well, we were deceived. This put financial strain on our situation as well as<BR>her single friends telling her how great it<BR>is to be single and go out and have a great <BR>time. We also have two young children, so<BR>she tells me we need to put our relationship<BR>on hold and put 100% devotion into our children. On top of that she says she is <BR>considering not moving out here at all. I am<BR>so confused. I think she is too but open <BR>communication between us has elapsed due to<BR>time, distance and cost of phone conversations. I am hoping that she is missing me as much as I miss her and she is <BR>dealing with it differently. Or maybe she<BR>is right and I am not listening to her or <BR>taking her seriously. But how does someone<BR>go from professing love, devotion, missing <BR>another to talk of divorce in a matter of <BR>one Week? I know that my pressures and pains<BR>are shared by others and I wish them all the<BR>best of luck and happiness. I never give up<BR>hope, no matter how bleak or difficult. I <BR>thank you for your replies and look forward <BR>to any more you may offer!

You are truly are a GEM of a man, I hope your wife realizes that before it is too LATE! If she never does, you must realize yourself what a wonderful person you are and you deserve so much more. Stop selling yourself short. LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU WILL ATTRACT SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU BACK, YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN THAT! GOD BLESS<P>------------------<BR>JDC<p>[This message has been edited by JDC (edited May 04, 1999).]

Thank you JDC. You don't know how long it<BR>has been since someone has said that to me.<BR>I will see what happens. I shall give it<BR>a little more time and I will have to make<BR>a decision for the sake of myself and my<BR>2 children. Maybe she will realize.

Dorian, I am sorry to hear about the pain that you have suffered as a result of the infidelity in your marriage. I must say that you are not responsible for yur wife's infidelity. I'm sorry but, from a woman's point of view, your wife has no respect for you and absolutely no respect for herself. I know that htere may be some things that have taken place in your marriage that have made you feel as though you are responsible for her cheating. From my perspective, your wife has a problem with self acceptance, love, and admiration. She is seeking these things out where she cannot and will not find them. Please consider your wife's own problems. These are problems only she can deal with. She is the only one who can put a stop to her need to stray. Once she has as least taken responsiblity for herself and has come to terms with what she wants, then I would proceed with building the marriage. But it seems as though she is in denial and has a need to bounce her guilt to you. How unfortunate that she should try and make you responsible for this. I am very sorry. I truly feel for you. As if it isn't enough that you have suffered devastation. My prayers are with you.<P>Superwoman<P>------------------<BR>Superwoman

I now am at the end of my rope. I am still<BR>try to win back my wife and it seems hopeless. But what makes it worse is that I <BR>am beginning to wonder why I want her in my <BR>life. I know who she is deep down inside but<BR>she is afraid of the truth so she becomes a<BR>"fun" but empty shell. She chats on the internet alot, and I became suspicious when <BR>she hid the fact that she did. So, I went on<BR>posing as a stranger and the things she said<BR>about me filled me nausea. There were many bald-faced lies and about things that mean alot to me. To make it short I am a dead-beat dad, I would rather party, I wasn't <BR>there for the birth of our children because I <BR>had better things to do. The only one that <BR>ever went out partying was her, I live on bare mininum to survive so I can have as much <BR>of my paycheck going to them. I don't want to paint myself as a saint or a martyr but for her to LIE about something that important <BR>to me. WHY? There are so many other things,<BR>but she told me in confidence which I will not share, although she sees nothing wrong in <BR>talking about my problems or issues or past with others. Yes, I guess I am a little angry and hurt. I wish I could just blurt out everything, get it off my shoulders, and <BR>rest awhile. But I am the type to hang in there and never let go of hope. I believe in<BR>Dr. Harley's concepts and would love to share <BR>them with my wife, but so far it is like asking a fish to go walking with you in the park. Am I insane? I know I feel like I am<BR>DEFINITELY on my way. I can't afford a counselor, I can get one through my job for a <BR>few sessions but I can't afford the transportation to the office because I can't<BR>afford a car. Am I giving her too much of me<BR>and what I have? Am I only making excuses for myself? Something has to give soon, and <BR>I am afraid it will be me. Thanks for the <BR>ear.

Hey Dorian,<BR>I have just read through this, and the reply you gave to me "Broken Hearted..." Gosh, I am so sorry for how she has done you. You truly do seem to be such a wonderful person.You, or anyone else, deserves to be treated this way. It is NOT your fault she has been unfaithful. She has no respect for you or herself to do such a thing. Dont ever think that you pushed her to do this. It takes a lot to push someone to do something like that. I have thought about cheating on my husband, only to find someone to give me the love and respect i deserve and in dire need of. But even now, I find it hard to even imagine, only because i think about our wedding vows, and i promised to love him, and be faithful. I know how you feel with the internet, I caught my husband having cyber sex, then he did it right in front of me. He might as well bring a girl home and sleep with her while i watch. It broke my heart. Just stay strong, no matter what you choose to do. Remember, you are a wonderful person. Your kids are the most important thing. Just make sure they are taken care of. And of course, make sure you are too. who knows, maybe since you are in a new place, you will find someone worthy of your love, and they will treat you the way you should be treated.<BR>Take Care, and thank you for your advice.<BR>RavenRD

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Well, today was a little difficuly for me.<BR>My W asked me to have my paycheck go into<BR>my own account. She has asked in the past and I begged not to because I saw it as a first step into losing her, but maybe this way I will have control over my own life instead of asking if there is enough in the account for me to eat especially since I found out she went to Vegas 2 weeks ago.<BR>I am scared, but I think that I am more afraid of being self-reliant, and self-loving who knows. Nothing has stopped me before, nothing will now. Of course everything I say I feel like I am lying through my teeth, but it feels good to at least be able to SAY it.<BR>I don't know what the future holds, I don't know, I don't know, all I know is that this forum is a help and all the responses help give me strength. God, I need it right now.