My wife and I have been married 6 years. She had a one nighter 3 months after our second child was born in '98. She has now been in a 1+year affair. I forgive it all. I just want to re-build our marriage. Of course, everything is my fault. She did everything she has done because of me and oh by the way, she said she has never loved me! She won't let go of the "other" but says it has nothing to do with him. Even though it will spell financial ruin, she wants to packup a 5 & 3 year old and move into an apt while I figure out how to deal with the house and all the financial responsibility we currently have. She said if I try to keep the kids she will make my life hell. I want to get better and move forward and she wants to tear everything apart. What do I do now - do I let her go and just mop up the mess?

I can only imagine how badly you hurt. And I wish I had some great words of comfort. But, sadly, I don't.<P>I would recommend that you read all you can. Many people like the book, "Surviving the Affair." I would recommend, also, that you read on this site. Plan A and Plan B are helpful in many cases. <P>You need to remember at this time to take care of yourself. I truly recommend a counselor to help you navigate your way throught this crisis.<P>

Squinnty,<P>Similiar position here - H wants nothing to do with me, has his mind made up, won't consider counselling --- nothing. He picked up and moved out and hasn't looked back since. Efforts have made no difference at all. It's been nearly a year since he left and the divorce is approaching.<P>I know it's dismal to hear, and I certainly didn't like hearing it when it was told to me, but as long as the affair is going on and as long as your W is intent on NOT staying with you, there's not much you can do.<P>You can Plan A and hope for the best. <P>You can turn to prayer, reading your Bible, getting involved with music in some manner, and physically exerting yourself to take your mind off what is going on and help you to sort out what needs to be done.<P>And you definitely should consider getting to a Dr. and getting on some anti-depressants. You may not think you need them now, but if you do intend to fight this, then you have to recognize that the battle is only just beginning. If you think you feel bad now, it can get worse (if only because of the duration of the struggle).<P>Get yourself a good attorney. If you really feel that you can give your children a better life, then you may want to consider fighting for them. Also consider the ramifications of them being uprooted and moved out of the house. And that they may need to see Drs. at some point in all of this.<P>Your W can go ahead and make your life hell..... but she shouldn't selfishly uproot the kids and turn their lives into hell. <P>But for the kids sake, try to be amicable.<P>----- boy, I'm jumping back and forth today. Squinnty, this thing isn't going to be easy. But the children will need consistency in their lives. Their needs have to come first. If your W (like my H) is in the fog and can't put their need first, then you need to decide if you have the ability and committment to do what they need, and do it on your own.<P>~Amy

Hi Squinnty,<P>I like what Amy had to say. Please take care of yourself, get yourself a therapist and/or medications to help you through this very stressful time. You need to be clear and level headed!!<P>You should consult with an attorney regarding your children and custody. Many of our spouses (mine especially) made all kinds of threats - and most of those threats at least in my case, sounded very scarey and real until after I consulted with several different attorneys and started reading up on the law. After that, I let the legal threats go in one ear and out the other. Educate yourself, knowledge is power.<P>Please read everything you can on this site about Plan A - and consider calling Steve Harley for a consultation to set up a plan to give your marriage the best possible chance.<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Definitely do not take any heed of the threat of the 'hell', like it isn't hell now? Anyway, don't get railroaded about the kids, the common misconception that custody goes to the W is not supported in the real world. You have every right to at least 50/50 custody. How do you get on with the little ones? Their opinion (although only one is even close enough to the right age to be asked) is important. Bottom line is that she is the adulteress, not you. The leniency of the court works in her favor, too. So-called 'minor' character flaws are overlooked...apparently outright defiance of God is included in that...go figure.<P>My personal feelings say do not stand in her way...let her go. Do not let her take things too far, however...the kids, man, protect your interests there, you know it is the most important issue here, although it may not seem to be now.<P>I agree...move close to your Lord. Let him guide you, comfort you, hold you, and restore you. I bought a new Bible almost straight away. Yes, I already had one, but I wanted a new one for my new life. Next, I'm getting a family Bible for those that remain.<P>Oh, wow....I just figured it all out....I've got to get offline, and call Miss Cleo....is she Jamaican, or Irish, or a home-girl from Bed-Stuy?<P>God bless you, friend...I am so sorry for your loss, and pain. -Mike<P>P.S. BTW, your W cannot 'change' that which she has obviously lost.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 11, 2001).]